To pull my lodger up about commenting on my food?

[Housewoes23]

I've recently moved into a house and I took on a lodger about 3 weeks later.
I knew him before we made this arrangement, acquaintance rather than friend but we get along okay.

Over the last 10 or so days, he has said(amongst others probably, I haven't documented but as far as I remember)

'Ugh making that disgusting smelly stuff again'

'I emptied the bin and it was fully of your smelly food!'

(When I was making hummus) 'Ugh!I hope the top doesn't come off that blender can you imagine that disgusting stuff going all over the kitchen!'

When I hadn't yet washed up (I'd only just finished making my dinner) and he came in the kitchen 'Eewww!! Disgusting saucy stuff all in the washing up bowl!' (I wasn't going to leave it, I just literally hadn't finished clearing up yet, it was seconds after I'd cooked).

Also, he has his own fridge but shares a freezer with me. He won't go in it because 'my disgusting food' is in there.

I got him his own fridge because he wouldnt share one with me-there was plenty of room for two people's foodstuffs in there, but he 'didn't want to touch my disgusting sauces and horrible food' (I'm paraphrasing but something like that).

For context,we're both single people aged 38 and 52.

I LOVE cooking. I love greek food and often make dips and crudites and use garlic and herbs and sauces.

He is a very plain eater (chicken and chips, ready made pies you'd shove in an oven, bread and cheese).

I haven't ever commented on his choice of eating habits, wouldn't even cross my mind.

Anyway tonight I told him it was making me feel self concious and I would make sure I didn't eat near him, but there is one small kitchen so I can't avoid cooking in it. I'll make sure all is cleaned up when I've used it and won't ever leave anything to be washed up, but I didn't see the need to constantly jibe at what I eat.

AIBU?
And also, would this irritate you?

Another context point is, I have a bit of an ED. 95% corrected now, but I've never particularly liked eating in front of people, although I was/am almost over it-this isn't helping so I wonder if I am being over-sensitive.

TIA :)

He clearly has sensory issues. He finds the smells overwhelming, can't stand the textures. Prefers not to see food he isn't going to eat. Given that he didn't eat his own burger due to the coleslaw I'd say it's not intentional bullying or controlling.

Tell him that you can't live with him if this continues, as it will make you ill. Ask him if he'll be able to manage his food phobias around you.

He doesn't have the manners for a shared living space. I'd be telling him it's not going to work and looking for someone more socially compatible (with people).

I’d send him on his way. Food is a big part of my life - I enjoy cooking and eating a wide variety of cuisines and would never accept being “food shamed” (is that even a thing?) in my own home. He sounds really childish. That’s the kind of comments I’d expect from my 6 year old and she has autism so can be funny about different foods. Even she knows it’s rude to say the kind of things he’s said though.

Also agree that he probably thinks it's hilarious to slag off your food.

It's so annoying though.

Find a new lodger.

Oh and make sure when he leaves that he doesn't take "his" fridge with him!

He needs to go. ASAP.

Not only Is this NOT the way you want to live in your own house, there is a REAL risk that this bullying of you around food could cause you to slip back into ED territory in some way shape or form.

You’re not compatible as housemates and as it’s your house, he needs to move to somewhere that does beige cuisine

@PyongyangKipperbang

I agree that the age thing may be a factor. He is acting like the father figure/alpha male in YOUR house!

Why is he still in need of being a lodger at that age? I mean, I get that shit happens but it seems a bit odd.

I don’t think that’s relevant really tho? You are appearing to disrespect him because he can’t afford to (or doesn’t want to) live in an entire house as a single man. That’s actually a very responsible thing to do tbh. Why take up a family home when there’s a housing shortage? The issue here is that he’s an arsehole and rude, not whether house shares are indicative of some sort of personal failing.

Just get rid of him, this situation seems untenable long term.

The burger / coleslaw issue is very telling.

He either has a phobia about sauces / sauce consistency foods, or he has sensory issues around sauces and possibly foods not touching, a common trait of an autistic spectrum condition.

Neither of which mean you have to put up with living around it, especially if it is in danger of twanging at your own previous issues.

Can you talk to him directly about it? At a time when neither of you are eating or drinking, ask him exactly what he is averse to? Ask him if he thinks it is a phobia. However, I think you need to be clear that you cannot afford to feel anxious or self conscious about your perfectly healthy food because a, you have had your own issues with food and are not prepared to put your now happy healthy eating at risk, and b, you have the right to be free and eat without comment from him.

I suspect that the arrangement won’t really work for much longer.

Do not make any compromises you are not fully happy with, OP.

The next time he says anything say "well if you dont like it get out my house." And then kick him out if he ever says it again. He's trying to be the boss in your house. I'm guessing the reason he didn't like his last place is that the people got sick of him being a wanker.

Rude bastard. Give him notice to leave. One week max (unless you have a written contract / agreement that specifies longer).

I voted YABU

Becasue you really are being very unreasonable to yourself!

You have a man, and older man, who is complaining that YOUR perfectly normal use of teh kicthenin YOUR home doesn't suit him!

You are doing all of the compromising, buying him a fridge, eating in the kithcen leaving him the living room free. The fact he has use of the living room at all is additional to a normal lodger's remit. And you are charging him less than the going rate.

Why? All he is doing is taking advantage of you, deliberately making you feel uncomfortable about something he is fully aware you have issues with and occupying most of your home!

You don't need him, he's the one who needs youand he still can't act in a civilised manner?

Put him out. You don't even have to give him much notice. Just tell him to pack up his stuff and leave. He can get a hotel or B+B room still. That's his problem to sort, a problem of his own making.

You don't have to gently train him to be pleasant, discuss his actions with him, explain anything, put yourself out for him or put up with his patronising, controlling nastiness. You have absolutely zero repsonsibility for him... at 52 years odl he knows what he is doing. So get him out of your house and don't give him another thought!

@Diverseopinions
Yeah, he is being rude (especially the bin comment). But I agree it is “possible” he is just trying to be friendly/banter - but is obviously failing miserably. He doesn’t understand her and she doesn’t understand him? It’s usually easier to have business dealings with strangers at the end of the day rather than friends/family/acquaintances, as you don’t have to “play nice” when there’s an issue. I guess your choices are:

• Have a frank conversation and say “its really awkward now. I don’t think this is working” and see what he says.
• Ask him to move on.

I don't think he is bullying or controlling, I think it sounds as if he has issues around food akin to some kind of phobia.

However, this means you are incompatible as housemates so if he can't deal with his food issues then he really needs to move out.

I know a couple of women who bought houses with someone, then later split up and couldn't afford the mortgage alone so are now renting at a similar age to him. Given house prices are so ridiculous now i don't find it surprising that not everyone of that age is a home owner. I've got no axe to grind as I'm a home owner myself

OP,

Really poor idea to have a male older lodger in your home when your boundaries are so weak.

He's extremely rude repeatedly.

I would re think this arrangement.

re-reading your OP, he changed the bin liner. Wow.
I think it's worth seeing how things are now that you've spoken to him.
Bound to be a getting used to this period on both sides.

The fact that he can't cope with certain foods being next to each other in the fridge or on a plat strongly suggests that he has quite major sensory problems, but it is probably too late for him to do anything to remedy them. It sounds as if he needs to recognise that he is better off living on his own.

I'm going to go against the grain here. He sounds like my DS who really struggles with food. If asked to move a plate with ketchup, mayo etc on it he would beginning breathing rapidly and trembling, may even cry while he did it. He would do it because he is still young enough at 10 for me to push him gently out of his comfort zone. I can easily imagine him being 52 and freaking out in the same way your lodger does if he had been living like that for decades. He has an incredibly good sense of smell and taste and is very sensitive to textures of food. He hates being like this, it's awful to be so stressed by something you have to do to stay alive. He wishes he had a more varied diet and it makes him really sad when he wants to try stuff and be excited about food and new flavours like his siblings.

I would sit down and talk about it with him. Say "I can see you have a real problem with this. Have you tried anything to help it? We need to find a way to move forward if you are going to continue to live here as it is upsetting both of us" And go from there.

It's not weak to react to situations with sympathy and understanding. It's a really good starting place from which to sort things out.

He's a lodger, so I'd be telling him to leave. Plenty of pleasant people out there, who needs to live with a rude one when they don't have too?

I would sit down and talk about it with him. Say "I can see you have a real problem with this. Have you tried anything to help it? We need to find a way to move forward if you are going to continue to live here as it is upsetting both of us" And go from there. Why? OP has no need to do that. And he could affect her own ED management. Why should she do anything to jeopardise that?

It's not weak to react to situations with sympathy and understanding. It's a really good starting place from which to sort things out. But it is expected from women, never men. So even in her own home OP is starting from a disadvantage, older male, younger woman! OP needs to belive that she doesn't have to do anything for him - she has a choice that has nothing to do with him at all!

Never have anyone as a lodger that you can’t stand up to. Apologising to someone for their own food phobia and buying them a fridge is crackers.

I’d be saying: I enjoy cooking and flavoursome food. If your food issues mean this is a problem for you may be better off elsewhere.

He sounds like an odd ball. To comment on food that many times.

He has issues

Does he do anything else that is weird?

@TerrifiedandWorried

OP’s not his mum! He’s 52 not 5. This is his problem not hers.