To pull my lodger up about commenting on my food?

[Housewoes23]

I've recently moved into a house and I took on a lodger about 3 weeks later.
I knew him before we made this arrangement, acquaintance rather than friend but we get along okay.

Over the last 10 or so days, he has said(amongst others probably, I haven't documented but as far as I remember)

'Ugh making that disgusting smelly stuff again'

'I emptied the bin and it was fully of your smelly food!'

(When I was making hummus) 'Ugh!I hope the top doesn't come off that blender can you imagine that disgusting stuff going all over the kitchen!'

When I hadn't yet washed up (I'd only just finished making my dinner) and he came in the kitchen 'Eewww!! Disgusting saucy stuff all in the washing up bowl!' (I wasn't going to leave it, I just literally hadn't finished clearing up yet, it was seconds after I'd cooked).

Also, he has his own fridge but shares a freezer with me. He won't go in it because 'my disgusting food' is in there.

I got him his own fridge because he wouldnt share one with me-there was plenty of room for two people's foodstuffs in there, but he 'didn't want to touch my disgusting sauces and horrible food' (I'm paraphrasing but something like that).

For context,we're both single people aged 38 and 52.

I LOVE cooking. I love greek food and often make dips and crudites and use garlic and herbs and sauces.

He is a very plain eater (chicken and chips, ready made pies you'd shove in an oven, bread and cheese).

I haven't ever commented on his choice of eating habits, wouldn't even cross my mind.

Anyway tonight I told him it was making me feel self concious and I would make sure I didn't eat near him, but there is one small kitchen so I can't avoid cooking in it. I'll make sure all is cleaned up when I've used it and won't ever leave anything to be washed up, but I didn't see the need to constantly jibe at what I eat.

AIBU?
And also, would this irritate you?

Another context point is, I have a bit of an ED. 95% corrected now, but I've never particularly liked eating in front of people, although I was/am almost over it-this isn't helping so I wonder if I am being over-sensitive.

TIA :)

Honestly, it doesn't sound like you're on your uppers financially. Give him one last chance by politely saying 'I am eating perfectly normal food - could you please stop commenting on it immediately, or it is better that you find somewhere else to live'.

And mean it!

Yeah he sounds like a racist to me. You are too soft OP. Life is too short to be made to feel uncomfortable in your own home.

It is your home, you have provided this man with lodgings at lower than the going rate and now your creeping round your own home trying not to upset him about your food.

Time for big girl pants, you say you are meek so take some time to think about what you want to say. Go over it and speak to him. Some basic things, this is your home, he is a lodger, him going on about your food is making you uncomfortable in your own home, if it does not stop you will be asking him to make alternative living arrangements.

''if it comes to it'' - it has come to it.

He's shown that he has no respect for you and sees himself as an older man versus a younger woman, so he feels able to be rude to you, be entitled, expect you to bow to him.

That's a red card - it shouldn't be a case of 'Oh well I can improve it/crack down/pull him in line' - no - why should you - this isn't a friend - look at it another way, you could have a lodger that ENHANCES your life - someone who is relaxing to be around, actively friendly, with a normal sense of what's socially acceptable - someone who would be a positive addition.

This is just not a nice man, and I wouldn't want him in my space, bcause it will continue to be a negative and exhausting experience.

I would simply say it's not working out for you and you'd rather have your own space.

@CheetasOnFajitas

Yeah he sounds like a racist to me. You are too soft OP. Life is too short to be made to feel uncomfortable in your own home.

No, he’s just a dick.

Off he goes!

I don't think his aversion to ketchup, brown sauce and coleslaw suggest it is rooted in racism / xenophobia. HP sauce is surely at the heart of English, and possibly British, identity!

OP: it isn't your fault, you don't need to feel bad about checking what is typical or get advice on how to respond or deal with it.

The problem is that even if he adjusts his behaviour now you will know what is in his mind, which may not be that comfortable. If he has a phobia that he can't help, at least you know it isn't personal, but he definitely has a responsibility to learn and observe polite, considerate and sensitive behaviour.

If he does have spectrummy traits he might not actually realise that commenting on food is received as personal unless he is told.

Whatever it is, it isn't your responsibility to accommodate beyond what you are willing to.

Whereas I understand that people have deep rooted food issues, and feel for them, it is still very difficult to live around anxiety or phobia depending on what it is. And food is a several times a day thing, so...

Having read your updates, I think he is learning that actually, shared living does not suit him.

I hope you are learning that you are not as assertive as you need to be and that the next lodger needs to be younger, a woman, pay market rates, sign a clear contract / agreement and be someone you know you can talk to, if anything isn't going well.

Of course that's no guarantee of the 'perfect lodger' but it boosts your chances.

he is aware of my eating issues.

He needs to go. It is your home and you can eat what you like without being made to feel shit about. You should not bend over backwards to make him feel comfortable at the expense of your well-being.

Good grief. You're more patient than me.
There would be no "opening a dialogue" with me.
He'd be out and that would be the end of it.
Not compatible as your lodger. Bye.
Give him notice to leave.

Get the rude twat to fuck ASAP, I can't believe the audacity of the man, who the hell does he think he is. It's your home, I'd start cooking the smelliest food possible see how that grabs him. Give him his marching orders and good luck to you and good riddance to him.

@LeaveMyDamnJam

I’ve not read all your replies OP, but I don’t think this is about food.

This is a man who doesn’t like you and the fact you have your own home (he doesn’t) and are much younger than him. He will get worse as the bile builds up in him. I would ask him to leave before that happens.

I think that's a huge inference to draw - he might just be a fanny.

It doesn't mean OP has to accommodate his rudeness, but he isn't necessarily resentful and deliberately bitter.

After reading all your posts Op, it is clear that your lodger has issues around quite a lot of different food, like sauces etc. Obviously he should have learned by now that it is rude to keep commenting on other people's food, especially in a derogatory way.

When I read your first post my immediate response was to think you should ask him to leave as his behaviour was unacceptable and you had bent over backwards to accommodate him. However, it seems from your posts that apart from his issues around food you two seem to get along, he is obviously considerate in some areas, like asking if you wanted anything from the supermarket. If this is the only problem with him then I would sit down and talk to him about the food situation and tell him you cannot carry on like this and that he is the one with the problem around food and he needs to control his feelings and comments when you are cooking and eating. If he agrees to this and follows through then I don't see why you two shouldn't carry on with the arrangement.

Obviously, you might feel you want to get someone younger, female and paying the full market rate instead, but then that will be an unknown quantity and may come with another set of problems. Only you know that if your lodger stopped the comments on your food, would that then mean a harmonious home life in every other respect?

For the future, you need to learn to listen to your gut.

My experience of dealing with houseshare / tenant situations is that when I had a gut feeling that something was off, I might not know exactly what it was - but, if I gave that person the room, I would always find out!

On age, it's not just the age difference, it's also his age per se. People get very stuck in their ways as they age. My cut off, for all men and for any woman I didn't already know I would get on well with, would be forty. I don't care how whether that offends anyone (and am over 40 myself now). When younger and dealing with this stuff, I found that people were depressingly reliable at conforming to stereotypes, however much I wished they wouldn't. Therefore: women aged 26-39, who are clearly well-mannered and good communicators, only.

I wouldn't put up with this shit in my own home. I think you need to show this rude disrespectful arsehole the door.

Then you can find a proper grown up to lodge with you.

He clearly does have issues with food but he is in his 50's and more than old enough to know that his behaviour is disgustingly rude so him having issues with food is no excuse whatsoever for his complete lack of manners. It clearly isn't working and so he needs to move out, clearly if he has such bad issues with food then sharing a house (and therefore a kitchen) with somebody is clearly not going to go well for him. OP you should tell this vile man to leave and find a new lodger who will be respectful towards you and not make you feel uncomfortable in your own home.

Evict him!

This is abusive behaviour.

You took him on as a lodger, therefore it is your house, and he should have more respect for you and your eating habits. It sounds like he could learn a lot from you - I'm not the best cook, and also cook a lot of 'plain foods' as you put it, and I'd actually love to live with someone like you to teach me how to make proper adult meals instead of meals like I used to get when I had school dinners in primary school.

Let him know that you find it uncomfortable when he mentions things about your food. You could even suggest set times to use the kitchen, like you can cook between 5-6 and him between 6-7 (or whatever suits you).

But also let him know that this isn't going to carry on into the long term the way it is, so he needs to be more accepting if he's going to stay with you.

He definitely has a problem with food. He's acting like a child, and eating like one.
You need to have a frank discussion with him and tell him if he can't live with your food choices he has to find somewhere else to live.
I'm vegetarian, but wouldn't refuse to put my food in a fridge that had meat in it!
Your further posts show that he had issues, or at least needs to grow up! Has he ever lived with a partner/someone else before? He's probably never had to learn to share and rub along with someone else. But, refusing his burger because there's coleslaw - in a separate pot - on the side is ridiculous!

If he's not prepared to seek help for his massive food issues, then he needs to live alone. I can't imagine anyone could live with him comfortably as he is.

Can't believe he's still living with you. Give him notice and get rid.

Get rid, he sounds like a bully

My OH has very similar issues around food. He cannot tolerate the smell or presence of any sauces such as mayonnaise, balsamic vinegar or salad dressing, ketchup, brown sauce, coleslaw, hummus, salt and vinegar/cheese and onion/prawn cocktail crisps or any form of pickles or dips generally such as guacamole. He also doesn't eat any fish or seafood and only eats cheese cooked in things such as pizza.

It is a problem as conversely, I love nearly ALL of those things. There are plenty of things we do agree on so often eat those things but I do insist on being able to eat the food I like and so do make myself food with dressings, dips and condiments. He acknowledges these are his own issues but can't help commenting if I'm eating something, which drives me insane and I do pull him up on it. I try and strike a balance, things he can eat and times when I eat what I want but it is really irritating at times.

I wonder if it's the same for your lodger? It would drive me mad and I'm glad you have pulled him up on it. It's your home, he is not your partner and you shouldn't be made to feel uncomfortable in your own home. Eat what you want, when you want.

Tell him to shut the f up or go through the front door.
What an ignorant pig.

It’s your home and you shouldn’t have to tiptoe around his food issues. He is unbelievably rude, he is definitely at a point in life where he should know better.