Foraging flatmate

[Pers]

I need some advice, I moved in with a flatmate a few months ago. We share a kitchen and bathroom but are on separate housing contracts. Things were going well at first and we got on well, she's a bit over curious about my life, needing to know my plans etc.

I noticed things have been moved in my room, door open when I left it shut and things like that. I bought a new phone and used the old one occasionally, left it switched on and went to work all day. Came back, noticed it had moved and it had been picked up five times.

Suspicions raised, I have set up a video camera using my old phone and every day that I've been out, my flatmate has been in my room looking around my room, at the letters on my desk, and yesterday I put my letters away in the cupboard and on the video she was going in my cupboards to have a look.

We get on well generally, but I really feel my privacy has been violated, and like an abuse of trust. I don't want to start locking my door as I feel it will change the atmosphere in the house.

She doesn't work but starts a new job on Monday and hopefully it will stop, but somehow I think she'll carry on snooping about in my room.

I've been thinking about getting a glitter bomb to see if she'll open it, which will then open the conversation. I feel like a creep for filming but I wanted to prove my suspicions correct.

How would you recommend to deal with something like this, where the person is perhaps suffering with anxiety, and I don't want to humiliate her but I'm also really annoyed! Would it be unreasonable to deal with this with an explosion of glitter

Ask her outright if she has been in your room, if she lies and says no just simply play the video for her a la Stacey/Max Eastenders affair reveal and watch her squirm

Lock the door. Simple.
If she asks, be honest why.
You are going to have to endure a bit of bad atmosphere to sort this out. It's not on

Oh for gods sake lock the door. She won't dare to ask why as she will know the reason

And you think those things won't harm the atmosphere in the house?

Grow up. Lock your door. And start looking for somewhere else to live.

Jesus this is very weird.

I'm also worried she'll go mental, and make my life miserable if I call her out on it with the video, or just suddenly start locking my door

If you are worried locking the door will 'create an atmosphere' and you can't move out, I am not sure what anyone can suggest here. No, it isn't normal and I do not think this represents no risk to you - yes, you could be at risk of identity theft and she could start stealing. You don't know she won't do that, you hardly know her.

Please, and I mean this as gently as I can, if you can't move LOCK THE DOOR. There can't 'be an atmosphere' as she knows she's not supposed to be doing it.

Just say that you were looking through your insurance and it says that you need to lock the door otherwise it isn't valid. Then always lock the door.

Next time you see her just tell her you know she’s been snooping round in your room and please respect your privacy and personal space.
No need to tell her how you know.

However if she objects or denies it you can just say that you noticed things had been moved and your phone had been picked up and so after a few times you were concerned so set up your phone to record it .
If she objects to the filming - well you only recorded your own room and if she hadn’t gone in there it wouldn’t have recorded her would it?
To be honest if it was just the one time and it was for something like she had run out of tampons or some other emergency I would let it go but this is regularly going on and it’s not just rummaging she’s reading your letters. She’s also prying into your life by asking personal questions as well.
That’s totally unacceptable and to be honest I’m not sure I could carry on living there with her as I couldn’t trust her any longer.
At the very least I would be asking landlord to put a lock on the door or doing it myself and I wouldn’t care about her feelings about it.

Just lock the door. If she gets arsey then you have the perfect opportunity to tell her why.

why would there be an atmosphere if you lock the door. She has no need to go into your room, and therefore no need to be trying the door.

Yes, I mean I know she IS going in there, but why an atmosphere? Whats she going to say ' why cant I get in your room??'

Just lock it

I think if she's annoyed that you mention it to her (in an appropriate way), it's not you that's caused any incident though?

I honestly think the first thing you need to do is tell her not to go in your room, explain that you know she has been in there. Tell her you will be locking the door from now on and if she continues (when the door is unlocked) to do it you will be discussing it with the landlord.

Confront her. Show her the video footage and ask her why she feels it’s ok to root through your room and your stuff.
I guarantee she will feel uncomfortable before you do! I’d also be telling her to find new accommodation. She’s a creep.

If you won't put a lock on your door and won't talk to her then I'm not sure what to suggest. A glitter bomb is a really childish idea.

Also, why would you think that her being a nosy bugger means she has a mental health problem?

Why are you worried she will be angry - she is the one in the wrong and if anyone should be angry it’s you, not her. However if you are really that worried about her reaction to being called out on something perfectly reasonable then you should move out ASAP.

why isnt she worried about you going mental if she gets caught in your room?

She isnt. she doesnt care. and she has no business going in there and no business going mental if you stop her. And if she does, then report her to the landlord

‘Go mental’?

"Locking the door will create an atmosphere, maybe I know she'll start being shitty with me because she wants to have a rummage through my stuff."

And so you think you should say nothing and continue to feel invaded while she suffers no consequences for her behaviour? I mean, 'create an atmosphere' - you're already in an 'atmosphere', the uncomfortable one created by her! SHE HAS NO RIGHT TO RUMMAGE THROUGH YOUR STUFF. Woman up, FFS!

Start locking your door. If she asks why, ask her why you shouldn't. If she mutters anything about not being trusted, show her the fucking videos.

I am struggling that you think of a glitter bomb before you think of using the lock on your door.

She's had a few off moments with me over minor things, and is in fragile mental health

Glitter bomb would be intended for someone else (a friend who is a fan of practical jokes) but her nosiness would backfire on her

I don't blame you for being concerned OP. It seems like very strange behaviour, almost a compulsion, if she is doing it so often.

It could be a mental health issue like she's scared of who you might be and checking up on you, or it could be she's stolen your identity from your documents. It isn't really your responsibility to let her off just because she has anxiety. (I do too, so I know how awful it can be but it's not an excuse to invade your space). You have a right to privacy.

You were completely within your rights to film inside your room.
I think you need to move past feeling awkward about it now and take affirmative action by locking your door and checking your credit score. Poor you, what a horrible introduction to your new home.

I LOVE the glitter bomb idea - definitely do that!🤣

I’m trying to work out what’s wrong with the both of you here. Locking your room would cause an atmosphere but a sex noise playing glitter bomb is funny? You really think that’ll make the problem go away. Are you first year of uni or something because really how immature are you. Lock your room or call her out. Those are the only mature choices here. Or do you just want us all to drop to your level and egg you on to do something stupid?

The only way she'll know you've locked your door, assuming you don't tell her, is by trying to go into your room - which she shouldn't be doing! She'll out herself if she mentions it, but at least your belongings should be safe.

Just. Lock. The. Door.