Foraging flatmate

[Pers]

I need some advice, I moved in with a flatmate a few months ago. We share a kitchen and bathroom but are on separate housing contracts. Things were going well at first and we got on well, she's a bit over curious about my life, needing to know my plans etc.

I noticed things have been moved in my room, door open when I left it shut and things like that. I bought a new phone and used the old one occasionally, left it switched on and went to work all day. Came back, noticed it had moved and it had been picked up five times.

Suspicions raised, I have set up a video camera using my old phone and every day that I've been out, my flatmate has been in my room looking around my room, at the letters on my desk, and yesterday I put my letters away in the cupboard and on the video she was going in my cupboards to have a look.

We get on well generally, but I really feel my privacy has been violated, and like an abuse of trust. I don't want to start locking my door as I feel it will change the atmosphere in the house.

She doesn't work but starts a new job on Monday and hopefully it will stop, but somehow I think she'll carry on snooping about in my room.

I've been thinking about getting a glitter bomb to see if she'll open it, which will then open the conversation. I feel like a creep for filming but I wanted to prove my suspicions correct.

How would you recommend to deal with something like this, where the person is perhaps suffering with anxiety, and I don't want to humiliate her but I'm also really annoyed! Would it be unreasonable to deal with this with an explosion of glitter

I also want some retribution I suppose, which is where the glitter comes in. Then it opens the conversation as to what happened without me looking like a creep for filming...

So you want revenge? There is no need to mention the filming.

I don't want to live in a bad atmosphere, and I don't want to be deemed the cause of this by locking my door all of a sudden.

You're already living in a bad atmosphere, because you don't trust her not to go thru your stuff and you're waiting for her to kick off.

Don't dick about with glitter bombs, just lock your damn door!

"why have you locked your door"
"because I know you go in my room when I'm not here and it makes me uncomfortable"

This conversation will be exactly the same whether or not you glitter bomb her.

Give her a reason if it makes you feel better 'I took out contents insurance and it's a requirement that I lock my door when I'm out', 'maybe I'm paranoid but I think the landlord might be sneaking around while we are out, things in my room looked out of place', 'it's an extra precaution in case we get burgled'.

But lock your door.

@Pers

She'll take offence and I'll have to live with her if I just lock my door

Please read some of the advice on here instead of bleating on about your foraging flatmate.

SupremeDreamz

Why not ask her if she thinks someone else has access to the flat when you are both out, by saying that things are moved around in your room? Then say that you're going to lock your door from now on and you're going to ask the landlord who has an extra key.

If you didn't know it was her that would be perfectly rational

^^ LOCK THE DOOR!

I kind of want her to get caught red handed

You've already caught her? :S

Honestly, it sounds like you both deserve each other, so you just carry on with your sex noise cards and glitter bombs, have fun.

She'll take offence and I'll have to live with her if I just lock my door

You are taking the piss now. As PP's have pointed out, she will only know the door is locked if she tries to get in your room, where she knows damn well she shouldn't be. If she mentions it she will grass herself up.

Put the hoover in a shared space.

You sound scared of her. Just lock the door and if she asks, tell her someone has been mooching in your room and your not happy about it.
Not to be awful but you can't go through life being a walk over, who would leave a door unlocked when someone is mooching around?

She'll take offence and I'll have to live with her if I just lock my door

Fine. Glitterbomb her but don't pretend it's to avoid an atmosphere and just admit to want to embarrass her. Do you REALLY not think her being glitterbombed will cause more of a problem than you just locking your door?

@Pers

She'll take offence and I'll have to live with her if I just lock my door

Right... But you setting her up with a glitter bomb is not gonna cause a problem?

Is there any way you can advertise for a replacement tenant and then look for something else for the same price ?
She has absolutely no right to do that, it's a violation of your privacy and her potential anxiety is irrelevant.
I would tell her very firmly that you know exactly what she's been doing, you have filmed it and if it continues you will report her.
How dare she, I would be so angry.

Call bullshit for this - no one would be that stupid - u OP

Just lock your door. She can’t mention it without giving away that she’s been trying to get into your room. If you look at your contents insurance small print, it often states bedrooms should be locked in a house share anyway, if you want a tactful reason.

I think using glitter will make her look silly and prove she's been doing something she hasn't.

She won't know it's intended for her

But you are offended by her rummaging - why should her feelings trump yours ? You both have the right to live in the flat and for your belongings to be respected.

You are wildly over-thinking and almost catastrophising the outcome of locking your door. Which clearly the landlord expects you to do as they have one fitted. No one living in a house of multiple occupation would expect their flatmates to keep their door unlocked when they're out. Your flatmate could turn this around and say because you left your door open I thought you wouldn't mind if I went in and had a look at your stuff. And PP have it right - your insurance wont be valid if you leave your room unlocked - so with all gentleness and respect - Lock the door.

This happened to me about 20 years ago. I spoke to the person who was going through my stuff, she denied it completely (even though i had proof) and started shouting at me and attacking me. I didn't have a lock on my room and basically lived in fear of her until she moved out 3 months later. In that period she did all sorts of crazy things like breaking my stuff, dumping a bucket of water on my clothes etc. The worst thing was that we worked together and she made up a whole load of lies about me at work. Thankfully no-one seemed to believe her and would come straight to me and tell me the stuff she had said. But she could have done a lot of damage professionally.
Looking back I should have moved out immediately but I was stubborn as I knew I was in the right and didn't see why I should move out of my home. Scary as I think she was really unwell mentally and unpredictable.

You know what, don’t do anything. Just come on MN, ask for advice, get loads of good advice, and then tell us why you can’t do anything. 🙄

I honestly wouldn’t give a crap about the mental health of someone snooping through my things.

I think using glitter will make her look silly and prove she's been doing something she hasn't.

It's NOT about causing an atmosphere. You want to shame her.

By locking the door you'd leave her with some dignity but you don't want that.

You've rejected every sensible suggestion so I'm going to hide this thread.

@Pers

I think using glitter will make her look silly and prove she's been doing something she hasn't.

She won't know it's intended for her

Alternatively, you could just grow up and start acting like someone who is claiming to be in their 30's not their pre-teens, and talk to them.

Such a sad thing to write a fake post about 🤷‍♀️ Enjoy the day with your fake housemate 😉

Just tell her you've renewed your home insurance and they've said if you don't lock your room when you go out they won't pay out if you have a break in. Probably true and inoffensive. Then lock the door!

For anyone new to the thread, here is a brief precis:

OP: I have a problem with a flatmate
poster 1: simple solution
OP: but, but
poster 2: simple solution
OP: but but
All other posters: simple solution
OP: but but

ad nauseum

Please OP, grow a spine use the insurance excuse and just LOCK THE DOOR

There's nothing at all creepy or wrong with you filming in your private room which should be empty throughout your absence. Dont feel guilty about that.

Even moving the hoover will make her ask questions and she won't like it because she's particular about where things are kept, and there's not really anywhere else it can go

I just want to live in a peaceful environment

Ok, so let's say I move the vacuum, lock the door and I tell her I'm doing that because I know she's been going in my room. How do we then continue from there? Is it possible for us to have a harmonious relationship? How would it make her feel, and what would that do for her anxiety?

You already have proof.
Lock the door.
Stop acting like you are 12 year old attention seeking freak.