Foraging flatmate

[Pers]

I need some advice, I moved in with a flatmate a few months ago. We share a kitchen and bathroom but are on separate housing contracts. Things were going well at first and we got on well, she's a bit over curious about my life, needing to know my plans etc.

I noticed things have been moved in my room, door open when I left it shut and things like that. I bought a new phone and used the old one occasionally, left it switched on and went to work all day. Came back, noticed it had moved and it had been picked up five times.

Suspicions raised, I have set up a video camera using my old phone and every day that I've been out, my flatmate has been in my room looking around my room, at the letters on my desk, and yesterday I put my letters away in the cupboard and on the video she was going in my cupboards to have a look.

We get on well generally, but I really feel my privacy has been violated, and like an abuse of trust. I don't want to start locking my door as I feel it will change the atmosphere in the house.

She doesn't work but starts a new job on Monday and hopefully it will stop, but somehow I think she'll carry on snooping about in my room.

I've been thinking about getting a glitter bomb to see if she'll open it, which will then open the conversation. I feel like a creep for filming but I wanted to prove my suspicions correct.

How would you recommend to deal with something like this, where the person is perhaps suffering with anxiety, and I don't want to humiliate her but I'm also really annoyed! Would it be unreasonable to deal with this with an explosion of glitter

[quote Pers]@SweetCruciferous

We don't have a landlord per se, it's a housing association type setup. I'm not in the U.K. actually, but am from there, she's also half british so should know better, maybe it's cultural? :s

Yes, it's to avoid the stress and what I believe will be a sea change in the way she interacts with me. I'd rather keep things friendly and civil, than have total ignorance as I'm expecting. She also slams her door when annoyed and I feel like this will go on for some time after this. It sets my nerves on edge.

[/quote]
You're acting like a pushover.

It's up to you if that's how you want to be in life. But don't moan in a forum about it. Either accept that you put a housemates happiness above your own or do something about it.

We all get your situation. It just seems pointless to moan about it when you have zero intention of changing it.

You say you are trying to avoid stress. You sound very stressed to me right now.

I'd not share a home with anybody who couldn't be trusted to keep their hands off my private property.
I'd tell her explicitly that you are locking your door to keep your property safe.

I'm not really sure why she keeps going in my room? Has anyone experience or knowledge of this? Is it a mental health thing?

It's not a mental health thing to snoop through someone's room. It's an annoying wanker thing.

Are you fucking mad?

We don't have a landlord per se, it's a housing association type setup. I'm not in the U.K. actually, but am from there, she's also half british so should know better, maybe it's cultural? :s

She should know better because she’s half British?! You can’t say things like that OP, that’s seriously offensive.

Hi OP,

I can understand your concerns, although I’ve never had to share a home with anyone apart from family or my DH. I can only imagine how tough it must be to live on eggshells like this and the worry that the atmosphere will only get worse.

I hope the door locking doesn’t cause endless drama. The insurance idea is an excellent one and hopefully she won’t be able to argue with it.

Is there any chance she might have a key to the lock? I would continue to have your camera phone on record when you are out just in case.

I wish you luck, I hope you manage to find somewhere else to live in the not too distant future.

I 100% understand what you are saying and all your logic. Ideally you'd stand up to her, but otherwise I'd go for the glitterbomb for all the reasons you've stated. If you come out with having filmed her, she'll turn it back on you as to why you were doing it.

Good luck for today OP. I really sympathise with you, its hard trying to keep the peace in a house share, noone wants to live in a horrible atmosphere. You're doing the right thing though.

It is possible she had a spare key. I will keep the camera on for a while just in case, and change the lock then if necessary.

I'm not out at work til this evening, so no news on this til later.

If you don't have a great relationship with her anyway, how is locking your door going to change it? She isn't a friend she is just another tenant, and shouldn't have this emotional hold on you.

Totally out of order for her to snoop through your things as a flat mate.

Years ago I shared with one flatmate and we had mice - partly due to her leaving bread etc out - and when the pest control people came round I did direct them to her bedroom only because she was filthy - eating food in her room and I wanted poison there so the mice would eat it but that's the only time I went in her room!

Could you say your reason for locking doors is that your convinced the landlord has been rummaging in your room? You could even play dumb and ask her if she's noticed anything been touched in her room....?

I think emotionally though, the lesson is for you to hold your own feelings and not be so reactive to her behaviours. how far does she have to go before you confront her or make changes? stealing? sleeping in your bed? Judging your lifestyle?

How did you get on last night @Pers? Hopefully you are on your way to reclaiming your privacy.

Hope things are ok OP and she hasn't locked you in your room!

Dont fret, im anticipating a banger of an update.

@Pers how did it go? 🙂

Any update OP?

I’m imagining the OP tied up and locked in her bedroom covered in glitter

There are a few threads with loads of updates and then they go quiet on the last update. Is it the same troll do you reckon or just loads of update trolls!? It’s so annoying!!

Ps: yes I know I know no one is owed an update!!

Your worried about causing tension... if you lock your door after finding out she’s been rummaging around your room?

The tension is caused by her but you feel responsible for keeping the peace after your privacy has been violated?

This is bizarre, assert your boundaries and lock the door.

I work in housing where we have people sharing houses similar to your set up, we always insist people lock their doors, if people enter without invite they are issued a warning on their tenancy.

In theory, if she weren't going in your room, she would not know that the door was locked, so..........

Do everything you have to do to protect your privacy. I lived in shared accom for many years, and never came across this.

Do it

The glitter bomb is an amazing idea please do it

What was the outcome of this,did your flatmate challenge you about locking your door?