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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Would you let your teen son's girlfriend move in?

327 replies

Busymum45 · 22/11/2020 11:17

Basically ds19 met this girl a while back (sort of knew from school) and she came to stop over one night mid October and hasnt left. She gradually moved in and is just here, on my son's small bedroom with him. She isnt working much, ds has a pt time as on a year out, when he goes to work she just sits in his room all day in the dark. Started piling her washing on the washing basket now. I'm cooking for all of us each night and her food vegetarian, (5 of us in the home).

I asked about some money but apparently she has none, doesn't come out of son's room as she is depressed.

Son and my dh have had a few clashes and heated run ins lately too and not sure if her being here so much is causing more problems, i,e dh jokes about and ds doesn't like it around the gf, ds also texted my dh and said dont touch my gf....

Dh unable to do much atm as had major surgery and more to come so I am doing everything. My younger child 16 wants her to go back home.

I am now feeling at the end of my tether and thinking about saying enough is enough time to go home now but can stay over a few nights a week if she wants.

AIBU??

OP posts:
1forAll74 · 22/11/2020 12:22

No,I wouldn't allow this situation at all.Your son at this age,should realise that it's causing problems within your family. The girl should at least be helping out with a few things if she has been allowed to bed down at your house.

HildegardeCrowe · 22/11/2020 12:23

Good lord, if my DD had a boy over for more than a weekend I’d be making loud noises about him going home. Sorry if this sounds harsh OP but how did you allow this to happen? She’s taking advantage and you need to tell her to go hone without further ado.

BluebellsGreenbells · 22/11/2020 12:23

This is wrong on a few levels

You son is 19 and should be with his friends and enjoying his freedoms, not stuck in a full on responsible relationship.

I think if he was paying for his own space he might think differently to living with her as opposed to being at home with a Mum who does everything.

Those joint mornings cleaning or moaning about x y a are part of a relationship and living together to see if you’re comparable.

I know a similar situation with DDs friend where the girl has moved herself in, and she’s very controlling of where he goes who he sees when he’s allowed out etc ... it’s not healthy

MessAllOver · 22/11/2020 12:25

Goodness, why have you let another adult you're not related to move into your house? And you're doing her laundry, buying her food and cooking for her Confused.

Tell your DS it's time for her to go and stop cooking/doing laundry for the pair of them in the meantime. It's your house and you're not everyone's skivvy. Yes, she may have MH issues but that's not your problem to solve.

Mamanyt · 22/11/2020 12:25

Allowing her to camp in your DS's bedroom is not "helping" her, it is enabling her. Tell her she has to go. Preferably home, but go. Give her 24 hours, no more than that, and tell her if she is not gone at the end of 24 hours, you will have her removed. Honestly? You may have problems with DS over this, but the whole of the family will be far better off.

Joeblack066 · 22/11/2020 12:25

If she behaved like an adult then yes. Ie paid her way, helped out etc.
This is a spoilt child who needs to go back to her parents’ house to be sorted out.

JiltedJohnsJulie · 22/11/2020 12:28

What a lot of people are missing on this thread is how depression can generate utter inertia ....not getting washing done, not coming out the room, making own food isn’t necessarily wilful. These small things can seem like mountains to an individual that’s locked in serious untreated depression. What’s needed are baby steps.

I completely agree that these things can be overwhelming but the OP is not responsible for her or her my and has done lord than enough fir her already. The OP also hasn't mentioned any steps that the GF is taking to help herself.

Bluntness100 · 22/11/2020 12:28

Op, you knew full well she was moving in. When you collected her suit case and spoke to her parents and said you didn’t mind, you knew exactly what was happening, there is no other conclusion you and your husband could have come to,

You also knew her issues, as she’d been there a month already. The time to speak was when her parents asked you. Now you need to speak to them both, likely your son first and tell him it is not working and you both should not have agreed, and give her a time line to move out.

IlovecatsyesIdo · 22/11/2020 12:34

It sounds like her MH is spiralling and although your son is well intentioned I can’t see how she can get any better living like this. Can you have a talk with your son and see if he can support and encourage her to speak to her GP? She needs help ASAP. Only then I think you can talk about her moving back to her family. It doesn’t seem fair that she has moved in with you long term but at the moment she may not react well to going home.

ivykaty44 · 22/11/2020 12:35

sit down with her and tell her she needs to be making an active contribution to the household as you don't do free rides

suggest she goes out for a walk once a day for 30 minutes

applies for UC so she has money

searches for a job, any job

gets an appointment with the doctor concerning her mental health

if she doesn't want you interfering then she best move out

her choices

CityCommuter · 22/11/2020 12:37

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ivykaty44 · 22/11/2020 12:37

what I mean by contribute to household = household chores, cleaning, laundry and cooking

firm but fair, kind but meaningful

DillonPanthersTexas · 22/11/2020 12:38

I'm astonished by this. I would have been asking her to go home after two nights. You are not dumping her on the street, life is too short for this drama and nonsense.

Lovemusic33 · 22/11/2020 12:39

She needs to go back home. I think you need to be a bit tough with DS and tell him that she can’t stay. I think you have been far too soft and you have allowed her to move in, when she came out of her home with a suit case why didn’t you say something? He mental health issues are not your issues, your not a rehab or a therapist and neither is your son.

flaviaritt · 22/11/2020 12:41

Your DH is in danger of being accused of touching this girl. She should leave. This isn’t a great situation for your family to be in.

Hailtomyteeth · 22/11/2020 12:44

Oh, goodness.
She must go home. Send her today, and tell your son he can only have a friend overnight once a week. If he moves out because of that, well, he's 19, it's not unreasonable.
What is unreasonable is that you are being made a skivvy by a teenage girl you didn't even birth.

TidyDancer · 22/11/2020 12:46

She definitely needs to go home. You've been more than accommodating. If you want (you shouldn't have to) you could give her a few days to sort things out then leave. But for the sake of the rest of your family, she does need to leave.

betterwithage · 22/11/2020 12:47

I'm an Aussie so pretty easy going but NO. Home is your your relaxing space and retreat. What shocks me as there seems to have been no discussion between you, your husband and son concerning her staying/ moving in. No slowly getting to know her and forming a healthy relationship. No respect shown to you, your husband or daughter. Are you a housemaid? cooking separate meals and doing her washing. I feel no respect has been shown by both of them to the three of you. Your son is not respecting the other members of his family.

billy1966 · 22/11/2020 12:49

Unfortunately OP you are modeling huge disrespect for your home.

It really is incomprehensible someone just moving into a house, uninvited.

What were you thinking as you drove over for more of her stuff?

You then model a skivvy and short order cook with her individual meals.

You are obviously a kind woman but this really is ridiculous.

You other child has rights too surely?.

Now you are her laundry fairy.🙄

Please take control of this situation.

Your husband also needs to back away from her as she sounds vulnerable.

What if she was to make some accusation towards him?

Your son is completely out of order but so are YOU.

You aren't modeling respect for your family and home, and neither is your son.

This girl needs to return to her family.

Your son needs to buck up and look at moving out to a flat with her if they wish to live together.

Simple as.

You need to stop behaving like a skivvy OP.

Flowers
Sequoiadendrongiganteum · 22/11/2020 12:50

This girl's mental health is not your responsibility. It is not your son's. She needs to move home. I am amazed you have tolerated this for so long. It is completely unreasonable for a non-paying lodger to move into your home, expect meals to be prepared and laundry to be done without any discussion with you.

Just tell them you are not running a free boarding house and take her home.

LEELULUMPKIN · 22/11/2020 12:51

They are both taking the piss.

lyralalala · 22/11/2020 12:51

It's time for the child to go home.

If she was an adult she, and your DS, would have sat down and spoken to you about her moving in.

Moving in by stealth is rude and disrespectful. Especially as she's not pitching in and has been cheeky enough to pile her washing in the basket (presumably she hasnt' been chipping in on the housework).

You need to bring this situation to an end for all your sakes.

Bluetrews25 · 22/11/2020 12:51

DS might be quite glad if you help him to get her out. Supporting her is a noble thing to try and do, but he is not actually helping her make any changes.
OP has far too much on her plate with her own family, she should not be pressured into becoming this girl's counsellor / fixer.
Thankfully, in a way, she has not been paying anything towards her upkeep, therefore she has no rights whatsoever, and you could just order her out today.
Whilst we can all sympathise with the GF, she is not OP's problem to solve and she needs to engage with the correct agencies, starting with her own GP. Sometimes things need to fall apart before they can be rebuilt.

TerribleCustomerCervix · 22/11/2020 12:52

Do people really live their lives like this? Walking round in a state of total ambivalence and then one day find that someone they barely know has just moved into their house, and starts cooking and washing for them? How can you be so apathetic?

I’m sympathetic to her MH issues having experienced similar myself, but I agree with a PP who said that you’re not helping, you’re enabling her.

Your DS also needs to be told that you can’t just invite people to stay indefinitely in the family home, rent free and expect the rest of the house not just to accept it, but also provide a live in maid service.

wendywoopywoo222 · 22/11/2020 12:54

You definatly need to sit down and make rules. My step daughter is allowed to spend the same amount of nights a week at his as he is allowed to spend at ours to a maximum of two at each.

At the moment because of lockdown that is none but both sets of parents on the same page.
Neither of them are happy about this but it suits us all until they can afford to move out. Good luck.