Would you let your teen son's girlfriend move in?

[Busymum45]

Basically ds19 met this girl a while back (sort of knew from school) and she came to stop over one night mid October and hasnt left. She gradually moved in and is just here, on my son's small bedroom with him. She isnt working much, ds has a pt time as on a year out, when he goes to work she just sits in his room all day in the dark. Started piling her washing on the washing basket now. I'm cooking for all of us each night and her food vegetarian, (5 of us in the home).

I asked about some money but apparently she has none, doesn't come out of son's room as she is depressed.

Son and my dh have had a few clashes and heated run ins lately too and not sure if her being here so much is causing more problems, i,e dh jokes about and ds doesn't like it around the gf, ds also texted my dh and said dont touch my gf....

Dh unable to do much atm as had major surgery and more to come so I am doing everything. My younger child 16 wants her to go back home.

I am now feeling at the end of my tether and thinking about saying enough is enough time to go home now but can stay over a few nights a week if she wants.

AIBU??

This isn't working for you and yes, she needs to move out because you're resentful and when this situation happens in the end there's a huge blow up that there's no coming back from. It needs to be ended before that point is reached.

Your husband also needs to stop touching her. Your son had to tell him to stop, which suggests to me that this young woman has told your son that she feels uncomfortable with your husband touching her. He needs to respect that.

She hasn't said anything to my dh, my son says he doesn't like it

What a weird OP! Why does it matter what Sue in London might do? Or me sat here in the South East?

I wouldn't have allowed even one night at this stage of their relationship - and I have a 22 year old still at home. Where is the respect for you and where is your backbone?

There's clearly a long history here of passivity and not actually parenting him firmly so I think you'll have a battle on your hands

But the whole thing just sounds bonkers to me and o can't relate to how you run your household one bit

You are extremely soft , I would of been waving her off home the next morning after first night sleepover.
No way In hell would I tolerate this.
Also doesn't sound healthy for her depression is stuck all day in room.
Send her back to her parents and she can meet up with your DS in a normal way.
Make it clear you can't just randomly move people in and expect your mother to wash clothes and cook for them.
You are not helping anyone by letting her stay like this.

@Busymum45

She hasn't said anything to my dh, my son says he doesn't like it

If your son says he doesn't like her staying at your house, why is she staying?

Tell her she really does have to go home but if she is having real problems at home, she must be upfront with you about them.

women often find it very hard to assert boundaries.

You only need to read the plethora of threads on here where women have been touched and feel uncomfortable or had something said to them that makes them uncomfortable - and they're looking for advice because they feel they can't say anything.

The fact that your son is the one who said stop doesn't mean his girlfriend is happy being touched.

My son doesn't like any touching or joking around, he's uncomfortable not her.

Op, I think that you have to ask this young lady to leave.
However, I agree with the poster who suggested that you knew that this young lady would be spending quite a bit of time in your home because you went to the parents home. I think that the situation is now untenable and you want her out. Sorry to sound harsh, because I know how physically and mentally debilitating depression can be, but it’s not your problem. This young lady needs professional help.
If your ds decides to leave with her, then so be it. Just make him aware that he can always come back home

So you never invited her to stay long term and yet you’re now her servant? This is so cheeky! How long have they been a couple? Actually, that doesn’t matter. You need to be firm and let them know this can’t continue.

@flaviaritt

Your DH is in danger of being accused of touching this girl. She should leave. This isn’t a great situation for your family to be in.

This

How do you know she's not uncomfortable with it?

Your husband is not harmed in any way by keeping his hands to himself.

Anyway, she needs to move out because this situation is not working and it's best she goes now rather than when one of you finally blows.

Get shot of her now. I fear she could fall pregnant and you will be caring for the baby. Therenwas a thread like this a while back and this is exactly what happened.

This has recipe for disaster written all over it. Your son is being very unreasonable and selfish.

@Busymum45

The point about my ds may want her to go deep down but feels responsible for her MH is a good one, I had not thought of that. I remember on night 3 she went home and we said bye, then she came back as was upset so ds felt bad and asked her to stay again, on night 4 i asked him & he said he has no idea whats going on, then suddenly here we are 6 weeks later

OP we had a similar situation a few years ago. Her home life was difficult and we gave her a stable and loving environment. She lived with us for a few days a week over several months before they went off to uni together.

However, she stifled our ds. She was controlling, didn't like any of his friends, etc. She was insecure and clung to him and whilst he truly loved her and would do anything to make her feel happy, it was not a healthy relationship.

We let her stay over for a maximum of 3 nights and then she would have to go home for at least 2 nights. I had to remind ds that she didn't live with us. It gave him a forced break.

He eventually ended it with her at uni as she was trying to limit who he could see and wanted to be with him all the time. It was a very difficult time for him as she was his first love but thankfully he has come through it and is happy.

Your ds's mental health and wellbeing are just as important as his gf so I do think you should ask her to leave.

Don't try and find solutions to try and make this situation work. Your poor 16 yo is the only one who is literally powerless to do anything to change their living circumstances and it's not fair on them to have their home, their safe space, invaded by a stranger. The girlfriend needs to leave.

Your DS needs to learn boundaries and respect for you and dh. He can't just move someone into your house without permission. And why are you doing their washing and cooking? It is your house. If he wants to live with his gf they can move in somewhere together, or gain your permission (and pay appropriate rent, do a fair set of housework etc). Good luck, and don't let them push you around.

Please listen to those saying your ds might be relieved to get rid. Is he seeing any of his friends? Is he spending time with you or just keeping her company in the bedroom? This is very unhealthy. She needs to go, regardless of her mh. She’s not your responsibility. I’m appalled that you’re running round after her, cooking different food etc. Bonkers.

I think you should have acted sooner and the DSs girlfriend left already, but now is not too late to act and the girlfriend should leave.

YANBU this would slowly suffocate me what a horrible intrusion. Tell her to go home. Good luck OP and remember it is YOUR house.

Friend has a 3 night rule with her son. Gf can stay 3 nights then had to go home

I need to note that down for when the time comes.

I can see a few sides to this story.

The girl doesn’t like a man touching her. Either he is the problem, or he is the problem AND she’s been abused/sexually abused in the past.
Either way speak to DH and tell him not to lay a finger on her as nowadays his behaviour is not acceptable and he is leaving himself open to police intervening.

She had mental health issues before and still has mental health issues after moving in. Has she done anything to resolve these issues? Clearly being with you all hasn’t solved the issues.

Perhaps she doesn’t love your son but wanted to escape abuse from her stepfather or someone else in her former home.

The whole cooking and washing issues probably are your sons fault as he’ll have told her it’s all fine just put your washing in the laundry basket like me. And she’s young and may believe him through inexperience. You need to tell kids what you want or they won’t know.

I think you need to speak with him alone and see how he feels about her. Does he still want to date her? Or does he just not want her to live in misery at her stepfathers home but would love another way out of this situation.

If is she’s an abuse survivor perhaps women’s aid or somewhere could help her re accommodation and next steps.

If she’s being abused by the step father you couldn’t live with yourself if you sent her back to that fate. She may even kill herself rather than return. I couldn’t have that in my conscience.

Speak to her if you can. Alone. Once you have info from your son. See what the problem is at home if you can. There may be alternatives not yet thought of. Her real dad. Homeless accommodation to get own pad. Living with her gran or auntie. Etc.

Her real dad is at home and is in touch , he lives with her stepmum x

I feel sorry for your 16-year old.

I don't think there's any abuse as she talks quite fondly of her dad,just don't think she gets on with step mum. Again, is it my problem to solve ?

Give her back all her washing. Unwashed. Your not a fucking maid

Stop doing all the cooking and buying stuff for her. No wonder she doesn’t want to go home.

If your son leaves with her, that’s his choice. He’s going to go one day.