Would you let your teen son's girlfriend move in?

[Busymum45]

Basically ds19 met this girl a while back (sort of knew from school) and she came to stop over one night mid October and hasnt left. She gradually moved in and is just here, on my son's small bedroom with him. She isnt working much, ds has a pt time as on a year out, when he goes to work she just sits in his room all day in the dark. Started piling her washing on the washing basket now. I'm cooking for all of us each night and her food vegetarian, (5 of us in the home).

I asked about some money but apparently she has none, doesn't come out of son's room as she is depressed.

Son and my dh have had a few clashes and heated run ins lately too and not sure if her being here so much is causing more problems, i,e dh jokes about and ds doesn't like it around the gf, ds also texted my dh and said dont touch my gf....

Dh unable to do much atm as had major surgery and more to come so I am doing everything. My younger child 16 wants her to go back home.

I am now feeling at the end of my tether and thinking about saying enough is enough time to go home now but can stay over a few nights a week if she wants.

AIBU??

I feel for you, it's very difficult navigating our teen / adults other half's, and I've always tried to get on with them really well in an effort to avoid being an unreasonable MiL. The problem I have had, and you are now having is the power imbalance in that I always fear a (potential) DiL holds it, which to a large extent they do. I had a similar situation here involving bending over backwards, financing, the sitting in the room etc etc, and the first time I spoke up there were tears from the (potential) DiL and off they went - somehow I'm the bitch here, even though my DD & other DS in the room at the time thought I was being entirely reasonable. I'd try my level best to avoid any confrontation, and 'showdown' - you really don't want to create a ' they don't understand us ' situation.

I would add though that the comments re your DH sound alarm bells for me, and really you need to take (calm and considered) action to avoid any escalation of potential allegations. Is there any chance of involving her Parents or a trusted 3rd party like an Aunt in the 'eviction' discussion? this way you would hopefully all be on better behaviour and it might be enough to moderate things. Involve both DS & girlfriend though to avoid any Chinese whispers and misinterpretation. Best of luck and wouldn't it be lovely just to have them as babies again! x

OP you’ve effectively opened your door and are watching them use your bank card - FFS that’s not right - get her out and if your DS can’t see the problem, he can follow - freeloaders both of them, they have no idea - you need to teach them a life Lesson

@ Pantsomime - just what I was going to write

Of course you can send her HOME during lockdown. She isn't homeless and you will do them more good telling them no more than allowing it to carry on they are taking the mick

You are the adult along with dh... She is causing problems for the family so get rid...

the girlfriend's mental issues are not your burden. Your home is not a live in clinic. If she needs help, she should seek professional help, even as a free hospital outpatient. When you return her to her home, do have a chat with her father so he knows she is meant to stay there.

And just double check with the lock down rules so you don't get in trouble for driving too far. Where I am, my city is ok, but another had people staying within 5km of their homes.

Why on earth have you let her move in OP?? Why do mums do this? I wouldn't let my oldest have his girlfriend stay over (at least, not in his bedroom). I'm not stupid, I know what goes on but I expect respect under my roof. I can't believe you have encouraged this tbh. He's only 19, you should be encouraging him to have a life, not acting like an old married man in his bedroom...

And now she's getting sensitive about your husband being silly and making her jump, so now he has to modify his behaviour cause little miss depressive gets upset! Wtf?

Get a backbone OP, tell her she has to go home x

@momtoboys

I'm with Haha. I would have never put up with it in the first place but certainly that ship has sailed. I must be completely out of it but I have a bunch of sons and I would NEVER let the girlfriend spend the night in MY house. Not one night as a 19 year old. If they have moved in together and had to come to our house to visit, certainly then but I am still the crazy mom that hopes they will get married before they move in together. I know it is unrealistic but that is still my hope.

I agree completely.

You have a 16 year old in the house too. I find it really terrible of you not to have taken the 16 year old's feelings into account. Moving a stranger in when the 16 year isn't happy? That is very poor of you OP.

Absolutely not. Living together comes after you secure your own housing or at least are paying a fair rent while living in your parents home with a good reason for still being there.

You are favouring both the son and his GF over your DH and DD. what they as a couple want ranks first now in the household.

If you don’t get her out soon she will take root in your house and even if your DS wants to break up with her she won’t shift and he may leave and she stays.

Accepting the money gives her possible rights as a tenant.

Stop cooking and cleaning for either of them - they are adults and neither are working full time. It will be good for them to pull their weight more and you have enough to do with your DH having ongoing medical treatments.

I would worry about your DD and DH more and less about the kidults.

At 19 she needs more from life than to be hiding in your sons bedroom. it’s very bad for her in all ways, esp for her mental health.

I’d suggest you Meet her parents now and get everything out on the table re how many times a week she can stay over in yours and clarify in front of them the comment about your DH. Any flip flopping there and I’d be very concerned that she could accuse him of something - nail that down in front of her parents so that’s no doubt in anyone’s mind what she meant by that and the context.

Strongly suggest you don’t take any money from her if you cave in and continue to let her stay all the time. You could agree that she buys her own food which she then cooks and cleans up after and contributes and amount towards the bills and she does set amount of hours per week on chores - hoover clean bathroom laundry gardening - - - whatever works best for you.

It’s shocking that your son has created this situation and that you both as parents have allowed it.

It is a shame perhaps for this girl as maybe there are issues at home you are completely unaware of..
Why don't you sit her down & just ask her straight as to why she can't live at her own house?
Your son probably knows alot more but may be sworn to secrecy.
It's a good idea to dig deeper for the real reason shes at your house,rather than her own?

I feel that this has probably moved on but I'm going to offer a different perspective.
I moved in with my dh when he was 17 and I was 18. We never discussed it, it just happened. My parents had been though a very difficult divorce. My alcoholic father moved abroad and my mother moved into a 1 bed flat with no real room for me. Looking back my dh's parents were so good and made me very welcome (25 years later we are still together and I love them dearly). I was a troubled teen with a rampant eating disorder (although they didn't know that). I did work pretty much full-time though. It was so nice to feel part of a family. To understand how normal families got along. If they hadn't have let me stay I really don't think I would be the person I am now.
Essentially this girl is still just a child. She doesn't have the emotional maturity to negotiate this. I think if you tried to engage her and include her then she might start to come out of her shell and be more willing to contribute. You have not stated where her mother is but the fact that she doesn't live with her says there is something amiss with that relationship.
Glad you have managed to sort things out so far. I hope you can come to a more sustainable solution long term.

I hope you can get extra hours at work OP, you will have grandkids needing financial support and living with you by the end of next year. Good luck you have been done up like a kipper.

@Gotheeunicorns sorry to hear about your situation but what a lovely ending that is. Your in laws and DH sound like very nice people x

Difficult one as you need to think about the best for all concerned, if your son says he is the happiest he has ever been fair enough. Does the gf feel the same? Her staying in his room all the time is not the kind of behaviour of a happy individual. We all have shite periods of our life that we can learn from or allow it to make us a victim. Problem with people who go down the victim route is that it then difines them and the damsel in distress routine becomes tiresome for the enablers. Your son may see himself as the knight in shining armour at this point but unless this girl is prepared to find who she is and build herself a better future for herself and the people she chooses in life she could possibly destroy everyone around her. Key is to get her to fall in love with herself! Good luck

So glad that it work out for you Gotthe

Thats great things worked out so well for you 🙂
This is the thing,this young girl may be very vunerable and had quite a bad experience at home in some way or another.
I don't think she's taking advantage of the situation,maybe she just feels safer with her boyfriends family.
You never know what goes on behind closed doors...ever 😕

You have mug tattooed across your head.

And why is a girl's boyfriend's dad hugging her when she was upset? Totally inappropriate! I wouldn't bank on it only being your son who is bothered by your 'playful' DH. He needs to learn some boundaries as do you.

And why is a girl's boyfriend's dad hugging her when she was upset? Totally inappropriate! I wouldn't bank on it only being your son who is bothered by your 'playful' DH. He needs to learn some boundaries as do you.

Yes it's affected her so badly... she refuses to move out of the free board and lodgings..

I think that accepting money from her is a mistake. That changes her position in the household, from uninvited guest to lodger

This.

Congrats OP

You made the Daily Fail

Bloody hell!

Ooh Noo 😱

Of course it has! The Daily Mail love this sort of thing, it will get loads of comments.