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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Would you let your teen son's girlfriend move in?

327 replies

Busymum45 · 22/11/2020 11:17

Basically ds19 met this girl a while back (sort of knew from school) and she came to stop over one night mid October and hasnt left. She gradually moved in and is just here, on my son's small bedroom with him. She isnt working much, ds has a pt time as on a year out, when he goes to work she just sits in his room all day in the dark. Started piling her washing on the washing basket now. I'm cooking for all of us each night and her food vegetarian, (5 of us in the home).

I asked about some money but apparently she has none, doesn't come out of son's room as she is depressed.

Son and my dh have had a few clashes and heated run ins lately too and not sure if her being here so much is causing more problems, i,e dh jokes about and ds doesn't like it around the gf, ds also texted my dh and said dont touch my gf....

Dh unable to do much atm as had major surgery and more to come so I am doing everything. My younger child 16 wants her to go back home.

I am now feeling at the end of my tether and thinking about saying enough is enough time to go home now but can stay over a few nights a week if she wants.

AIBU??

OP posts:
Rosesandchocolates · 22/11/2020 11:34

I would understand if she was part of the family, and you all spent time together. But if she just stays in his room all the time that’s just odd.

My sister moved in with her boyfriends family but it was an agreement (she didn’t just not decide to leave one day) and she is very much part of the family and they adore her.

I don’t think this situation is healthy for any of you, especially her actually.

I would have a conversation with your son ASAP. Even if you are comfortable with her staying (which doesn’t seem the case) she needs to get a job, and at least be involved with family life more.

JiltedJohnsJulie · 22/11/2020 11:35

I think I would talk to DS and say that you are all finding it a bit difficult and you think that say 3 nights would be a maximum. I'd even go as far as suggesting which nights are acceptable.

I'd also put in some rules about food and cleaning. If they are living together then they should at least be doing their own washing.

A couple of friends have the partners of teens living with them due to untenable situations in their own homes. One is happy to cook for them but has money given to them towards food and bills, the other makes them buy their own food and cook for themselves, she still expects money towards bills though obviously.

I'd also be printing off lists of what needs doing around the house each day and making it very clear what jobs they should be doing. The Organised Mum Method has some useful printouts. You could laminate them and put them up somewhere in the kitchen Smile

I'd also be trying to persuade DS that she needs more help with her depression. Going back to her GP would be one but also exercising together, if it's only going for a walk, yoga, guided meditation or talking to Young Minds about how she feels.

HopeAndDriftWood · 22/11/2020 11:35

At 17 I moved in with my boyfriend and his parents. Not by stealth, and I did pay rent; and it felt far less scary being at his then going down the route of finding accommodation by myself... but in hindsight it was an awful decision. It made me dependent on him, and it elongated our relationship far past the natural end. I was dealing with a lot of anxiety and stress, and it became impossible for me to see a way forward.

It’s in everyone’s best interests that she moves on now.

Original poster
Busymum45 · 22/11/2020 11:35

She is working some shifts at a place locally but even if she pays me some money each week still not sure its healthy for her to be bascially living here with ds?

OP posts:
Rosesandchocolates · 22/11/2020 11:37

@Busymum45

She is working some shifts at a place locally but even if she pays me some money each week still not sure its healthy for her to be bascially living here with ds?
Well at 19 I don’t think it’s uncommon actually. But it completely depends on their relationship. Do they have social lives other than spending time with eachother?
JiltedJohnsJulie · 22/11/2020 11:38

Just seen that you are going to say something today.

Have a chat with DH first so you can work through what you are going to say and stick to it.

As others have said, you've been more than accommodating so far Smile

Original poster
Busymum45 · 22/11/2020 11:38

No they are together all the time

OP posts:
Original poster
Busymum45 · 22/11/2020 11:39

Would most people here ,let her stay if he paid something, or best to move her out and they can see each other / stay over 2/3 nights a week?

OP posts:
Thewiseoneincognito · 22/11/2020 11:40

OP tell her times up!

Joswis · 22/11/2020 11:41

Of course you can send her back during lockdown. She has a family home to go back to. It isn't like she has to find a place of her own.

You can say something along the lines of, you're sorry lockdown has prevented them from finding a place of their own, but that her living with you long term isn't possible. Offer them one or two nights a week to show there are no hard feelings and offer to drive her back to her family home, giving a couple of days notice ('I'll drive you back on Monday.')

Joswis · 22/11/2020 11:42

If they REALLY want to live together, suggest they can possibly move in HER family's home. I'm sure her parents will be having none of that.

Original poster
Busymum45 · 22/11/2020 11:43

No as she doesnt get on with her dad and stepmum

OP posts:
SugarCoatIt · 22/11/2020 11:45

I think she need to move out, it's having a negative effect on all of you.

I wouldn't mention about money, because even if she was contributing financially, she has still upset your family dynamic, and it still sounds like a far from ideal situation.

I think you're being very reasonable saying she can stay 2/3 nights a week, I'd maybe mention to them she can stay 1 or 2, knowing that the odd time you'd be happy for her to stay an extra night. Or maybe just say she can stay oocasionally. I think initially, you just need her gone and you all need some space and to regain your home and territory.

Waveysnail · 22/11/2020 11:46

Friend has a 3 night rule with her son. Gf can stay 3 nights then had to go home

DontDribbleOnTheCarpet · 22/11/2020 11:46

@Busymum45

Would most people here ,let her stay if he paid something, or best to move her out and they can see each other / stay over 2/3 nights a week?
I wouldn't even mention money. She needs to go. I'd be very careful about allowing her to stay over at all, to be honest. It didn't work out so well last time, did it?
Clarich007 · 22/11/2020 11:47

Sorry OP no I wouldn't let her stay if she paid you some money.Sounds like it's stressful for your daughter as well.This would be my worst nightmare

Original poster
Busymum45 · 22/11/2020 11:47

Thanks, just hope my son doesnt pack his bags and go too :(

OP posts:
GlitterDragon · 22/11/2020 11:48

They sound massively entitled. The issue here is that this is disturbing the balance of your entire family, with no end in sight. It may be a difficult conversation, but that’s what needs to happen. Mental health issues or not, this is cheeky fuckery at its best. Have a word and stick to your guns.

PinkiOcelot · 22/11/2020 11:48

Not a hope in hell. No chance.

Ragwort · 22/11/2020 11:48

No way would I allow that, and no, don't suggest she stays over 2-3 nights a week. If they want to live together they save up and make plans like adults.

You are far too kind to have allowed this to go on for so long.

NC4Now · 22/11/2020 11:48

Has she moved in because of lockdown? I’m just thinking practically we aren’t supposed to be mixing households at the moment.
YANBU even if she has, but be prepared for that argument.

AlwaysCheddar · 22/11/2020 11:49

She needs to go. Yabu for allowing this to happen and get to this point.

Ragwort · 22/11/2020 11:49

So what if he does go, surely that's the normal thing for young adults, to move away from home?

Original poster
Busymum45 · 22/11/2020 11:49

Thanks i wanted to know if i was being unreasonable for calling it a day after 6 weeks so thanks for the views.

OP posts:
CoronaIsWatching · 22/11/2020 11:50

Throw her out today, if your ds doesn't like it throw him out too