Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Would you let your teen son's girlfriend move in?

327 replies

Busymum45 · 22/11/2020 11:17

Basically ds19 met this girl a while back (sort of knew from school) and she came to stop over one night mid October and hasnt left. She gradually moved in and is just here, on my son's small bedroom with him. She isnt working much, ds has a pt time as on a year out, when he goes to work she just sits in his room all day in the dark. Started piling her washing on the washing basket now. I'm cooking for all of us each night and her food vegetarian, (5 of us in the home).

I asked about some money but apparently she has none, doesn't come out of son's room as she is depressed.

Son and my dh have had a few clashes and heated run ins lately too and not sure if her being here so much is causing more problems, i,e dh jokes about and ds doesn't like it around the gf, ds also texted my dh and said dont touch my gf....

Dh unable to do much atm as had major surgery and more to come so I am doing everything. My younger child 16 wants her to go back home.

I am now feeling at the end of my tether and thinking about saying enough is enough time to go home now but can stay over a few nights a week if she wants.

AIBU??

OP posts:
jessstan1 · 22/11/2020 11:50

@nimbuscloud

I would tell both of them that the situation is untenable and that she needs to move out. Do you know her parents?
That.

She is a young woman. Why is she expecting you to do her laundry? Yeuch.

CatsArePeopleToo · 22/11/2020 11:51

Time for your DS to move out too. He is an adult and if he wants to play house, he has to do it independently.

GlitterDragon · 22/11/2020 11:51

I have never seen an AIBU vote at 100% before. I think the jury has spoken.

JiltedJohnsJulie · 22/11/2020 11:51

Thanks, just hope my son doesnt pack his bags and go too. Then I'd let him know he's always welcome bank and enjoy spending some time with your younger DC Smile

wakemeupbeforeyougoghgogh · 22/11/2020 11:53

I have the same thought as a previous poster- why did your DS tell your DH not to touch his girlfriend? What's that about?

FelicityPike · 22/11/2020 11:53

WTF? No! Get her out. I don’t care what mental health “issues” she has, that’s enough sponging now!

Mumisnotmyonlyname · 22/11/2020 11:53

You can move house in lockdown. I wouldn't let her live with you for both your sons sake and hers.

Original poster
Busymum45 · 22/11/2020 11:54

Because my dh when he chats to people is the sort of person to touch their arm, he gave the gf a hug as she was crying as depressed, we had ds's friends over (group of 6 pre lockdown|) and dh jokingly put his hands on her shoulders to make her jump, ds doesnt like any of that , said makes him feel uncomfortable, that was all the text was, despite worrying my dh to death he had done something awful.

OP posts:
ItCouldBeBunnies · 22/11/2020 11:55

That's ridiculous. Tell them today that she needs to go home. How unfair on all of you, especially your other child. If your DS wants to go too then he goes. He knows where you are.

Frazzled2207 · 22/11/2020 11:57

I think you have been unreasonable to let it go in this long, sorry! If she had a good job you could ask for money but that seems like a non-starter so I would send her home and she can stay over say 2 or 3 nights a week max.

Nothing wrong with both of them saving up and getting their own place if they want to.

Absolutely don’t do any of her laundry. And are you cooking her separate vegetarian meals?

hvnamechange2000 · 22/11/2020 11:57

You're being and have been far too soft. She needs to go.

TellySavalashairbrush · 22/11/2020 11:59

Deep down your son may want her to go back to her own place too, but feels responsible for her as a result of her MH and the issues she has with her parents. If the decision is made by you, it takes it off him. I talk from bitter experience.

Washimal · 22/11/2020 11:59

Could there be something your DS and his gf aren't telling you, OP? You mentioned that she doesn't get on with her parents. Has she or your ds said anything to suggest she may not be safe at home?

jessstan1 · 22/11/2020 12:00

@Busymum45

Thanks honest views is what I needed and good to know I am not being a monster by saying time to go (can we send her back in the lockdown)??
Yes, she can go back to her parents during lockdown. For goodness sakes, if all she does is stay in her bedroom, she can do that at home as well as at yours.

I think it is a horrible situation and the sooner you end it, the better.

Ginfordinner · 22/11/2020 12:00

Does this girl have a mother?

I agree that her staying is untenable, but I think you need to be gentle but firm, and tell her that she can stay some nights, but actually living with you isn't working.

How bad is her home life?

CornishTiger · 22/11/2020 12:01

If she doesn’t get on with mum and dad and continues to stay at yours she won’t be motivated to change her housing situation. She needs to register in local housing register.

If your DS chooses to take himself off to hers good luck but let him know you aren’t staying he can’t live at home. Just that you won’t be allowing a new girlfriend to move in.

Plus all this time together. Not healthy.

BiBabbles · 22/11/2020 12:01

I think this needs to be discussed with the whole household rather than this cheeky fuckery.

I lived with my now-spouse with his parents when he was 19 for a summer. This involved them having multiple conversations and us discussing my paying rent (this was later changed to my buying things for the house) before he and I made any plans for me to do so. There was a clash a few weeks in (mainly brought on by my and his step-father's mental health issues colliding) which caused a lot of drama, but we eventually (by that I mean a few hours, but I imagine it felt like ages for my then-boyfriend who was caught between us) all sat down and talked it out.

I don't automatically think it's unhealthy for two people that age to be living together, obviously, but just hiding out in his room isn't going to help anything and giving you extra work to do is just not on. I did a good amount of the housework and helped with the caring needs (his mother had multiple disabilities) while I lived there. If she's going to be part of the household, then she needs to be part of the household, not taking advantage of your kindness. YANBU to want an end to this.

jessstan1 · 22/11/2020 12:01

@Washimal

Could there be something your DS and his gf aren't telling you, OP? You mentioned that she doesn't get on with her parents. Has she or your ds said anything to suggest she may not be safe at home?
That is a point I hadn't thought of.

Op, ask your son. There needs to be total honesty in this situation.

For goodness sakes, while she is staying at yours, don't do her washing. That is gross.

SleepingStandingUp · 22/11/2020 12:03

So she doesn't get on with her parents and when she left with a suitcase they basically thanked you for having her? I'd be concerned that if she leaves it won't be to go back home bit only the streets / etc.

And I think DS is right to tell Dad to be less handsy with a young woman he barely knows, even though o get it was innocently and kindly meant by your DH.

I think you need a proper chat with DS and her about what's going on at her home

jessstan1 · 22/11/2020 12:03

@Busymum45

Because my dh when he chats to people is the sort of person to touch their arm, he gave the gf a hug as she was crying as depressed, we had ds's friends over (group of 6 pre lockdown|) and dh jokingly put his hands on her shoulders to make her jump, ds doesnt like any of that , said makes him feel uncomfortable, that was all the text was, despite worrying my dh to death he had done something awful.
I suppose the girl cannot help how she feels but that is seriously weird. I feel sorry for your husband in that situation when he was only being 'normal'. There's more going on than meets the eye here but, honestly, is it your problem?
WhatKatyDidNxt · 22/11/2020 12:05

She needs to go. Your house = your rules. In all honesty, lm confused it’s gone on this long. Her and your son are proper CF’s

BenoneBeauty · 22/11/2020 12:05

You're not her mum - do not do her washing or cooking. Speak honestly with your DS & tell him that it's not working for you and that she needs to move home. If he wants overnight guests then it's by Pre-agreement with yourselves and if he doesn't like that, then he needs to get his own place.

Hope4theBestPlan4theWorst · 22/11/2020 12:05

Is you know where she lives I'd drive round, have a word with the parents and tell them enough is enough and that they need to come and collect her and her stuff!!

WhatKatyDidNxt · 22/11/2020 12:06

@Letseatgrandma exactly, l moved out and paid my own way when my parents got on my nerves

Original poster
Busymum45 · 22/11/2020 12:07

Yes i am cooking seperate veggie meals and buying vegetarian bits with my weekly shop.

I have tried to do it all and be strong running the home but i am struggling a bit and not nice when ds and dh clash again.

The washing is piled high, all her socks, pants, hoodies , jeans

OP posts: