Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Would you let your teen son's girlfriend move in?

327 replies

Busymum45 · 22/11/2020 11:17

Basically ds19 met this girl a while back (sort of knew from school) and she came to stop over one night mid October and hasnt left. She gradually moved in and is just here, on my son's small bedroom with him. She isnt working much, ds has a pt time as on a year out, when he goes to work she just sits in his room all day in the dark. Started piling her washing on the washing basket now. I'm cooking for all of us each night and her food vegetarian, (5 of us in the home).

I asked about some money but apparently she has none, doesn't come out of son's room as she is depressed.

Son and my dh have had a few clashes and heated run ins lately too and not sure if her being here so much is causing more problems, i,e dh jokes about and ds doesn't like it around the gf, ds also texted my dh and said dont touch my gf....

Dh unable to do much atm as had major surgery and more to come so I am doing everything. My younger child 16 wants her to go back home.

I am now feeling at the end of my tether and thinking about saying enough is enough time to go home now but can stay over a few nights a week if she wants.

AIBU??

OP posts:
inlectorecumbit · 22/11/2020 12:07

If Ur DS choses to go too l dont think it will be long before he comes back.
They have a very easy life with you but enough is enough, YANBU to get your own home and family space back

Echobelly · 22/11/2020 12:08

YANBU - you need to tell him that with his dad's surgery you cannot cope with another person effectively living in the house, especially when they are not in a position to pitch in. He needs to find her some other living arrangement and while she can stay over, she can't treat this as her home.

WhatKatyDidNxt · 22/11/2020 12:10

@Hope4theBestPlan4theWorst l don’t see why OP has to get that involved in how / when she moves out. I would just tell her to go. She’s 19 years old?! Hardly a small child

Ginfordinner · 22/11/2020 12:10

Show her how to use the washing machine

Original poster
Busymum45 · 22/11/2020 12:10

The point about my ds may want her to go deep down but feels responsible for her MH is a good one, I had not thought of that. I remember on night 3 she went home and we said bye, then she came back as was upset so ds felt bad and asked her to stay again, on night 4 i asked him & he said he has no idea whats going on, then suddenly here we are 6 weeks later

OP posts:
1950s1 · 22/11/2020 12:10

A number of commenters have implied that you're not being unreasonable and that you should make her leave. I may be in the minority here, but I'm not sure that you'd be doing the right thing if you were to go through with that. Could it be that your sons girlfriend is better off at yours. If they want to live together, I don't see an issue because, having seen list of reasons why you want her to leave, there are ways around it that could make it work. She could make her own food, and do her own laundry. She wasn't made to be an entertainer for your family, I don't see an issue with her spending little/no time around anyone else. If she's depressed you could direct her to the relevant help. As for your sons comment about how your husband is not to touch your sons girlfriend, I think that is a perfectly reasonable request.

DontDribbleOnTheCarpet · 22/11/2020 12:11

Bag up the washing into black bags. It will be handy for when she leaves.

Bluntness100 · 22/11/2020 12:11

This is very odd, you went to her house, collected her suit case, and told her parents you didn’t mind. What did you think she was doing other than moving in? Why would you both possibly do that?

Is you son implying that his father is a sexual threat to her? Because it’s either that or a physical violence one. It sounds like the latter. Why is your husband being touchy feely with her?

Honestly I think you both take a lot of the blame here. I really can’t believe you both took her to her parents to collect her stuff and told them you didn’t mind without even thinking it through.

Whatever happens hour husband has to step touching her. It is unwelcome. That is clear.

WoooooGhoulsDoAFlit · 22/11/2020 12:11

Tell the lazy little madam to do her own bloody washing, and while she's at it, she can do your DS's too. How entitled!!
On second thoughts, just yeet her out - and tell her to take her grubby skiddies with her!

MiriamMargo · 22/11/2020 12:12

Sorry this is blunt but you and doormat come to mind. Get rid of her, your not an hotel are you !

Bouledeneige · 22/11/2020 12:15

I think its fine to say she can come a couple of nights a week but its not on for her to move in - it affects the dynamic of the house, impacts other relationships and is an imposition - on cooking, cost etc. And expecting her washing to be done is completely out of order.

I think you have been too kind and caring and now should draw a clear line underneath it. My DD's boyfriend came round quite a bit but I was always glad to just have time when he wasn't here - it does affect other people and your relationship with your children. Cooking specially for her and getting the washing is absolutely not okay. Your DS and her should have been offering to cook and doing their own washing. But I'm not saying concede that - stop the whole deal. Its a cheek.

lalafafa · 22/11/2020 12:16

good god, get rid.

GabsAlot · 22/11/2020 12:17

no youre not bu-and stop cooking seprate meals for her and doing her washing its not a hotel

arnietheaardvark · 22/11/2020 12:17

Not working? Moping around a dark bedroom all day?

She needs to go ASAP.

Sorry, you need to grow a backbone and tell her to go. You are not responsible for her.

jessstan1 · 22/11/2020 12:18

The washing is piled high, all her socks, pants, hoodies , jeans

You are mad to even consider doing that. Where is the girl's self respect?

GG999 · 22/11/2020 12:18

Call her parents and tell them to come get her ASAP.

Chalfontstgiles · 22/11/2020 12:19

I’m in the minority too on this. I’m a mum of a 19 YO clinically depressed DD...and I know supporting someone with depression is slot of mental hard work and resilience ...I think it’s a huge cheek of the girls parents to have a ‘quick word’ with your DH over a packed suitcase and basically wash their hands...I find that pretty shameful. Please don’t kick them out though OP, this is not the way...this girl could well be self harming and suicidal.

In your shoes, I’d try a gentle intervention on your own while your son is out...knock and go in with 2 cups of tea. Find out where she’s at, try and get her to talk to you..,tell her you’re not going to judge/freak out or kick her out. Does she have medication, has she signed up to therapy? Routine is critical for fighting depression. Help her establish routine, coming out, sorting her laundry, chopping veggies (for her dinner) making a cake..,anything. I’d try this first and see where you get. I’m sorry for you OP, i understand this anxiety but you have to try and pull down the brick wall that’s currently in place.

Tistheseason17 · 22/11/2020 12:20

Her behaviour is why her Dad and step mum were pleased you took her. She's an adult treating her house and now your house like a hotel.
Say bye bye and watch life improve. Her issues are not yours to resolve - she has her own parents.

GabsAlot · 22/11/2020 12:20

oh and of course your son knows whats going on hes moved her in ffs

he can cook for her if he wants

allthegoodusernameshavegone · 22/11/2020 12:20

Yanbu, tell them both to find somewhere else to live, they are both taking the piss. How much does your adult DS contribute?

kazzer2867 · 22/11/2020 12:21

Sorry, but you've got mug written all over you. She moves in without asking. Slowly starts putting her washing in the pile for you to wash. You cook her separate veggie meals. Come on OP you know this isn't right. She isn't your problem. If she can't go home, then she needs to find alternative accommodation. How is it fair to your 16 year old to have this virtual stranger in their space. You have enough on your plate. You also need to speak to your son about being an adult and you need to have better boundaries in place.

I also don't get how you have never spoken to her parent/s properly. You went to her house, didn't you think that was the perfect opportunity to talk to her father.

JiltedJohnsJulie · 22/11/2020 12:21

The point about my ds may want her to go deep down but feels responsible for her MH is a good one, I had not thought of that. I remember on night 3 she went home and we said bye, then she came back as was upset so ds felt bad and asked her to stay again, on night 4 i asked him & he said he has no idea whats going on, then suddenly here we are 6 weeks later.

Is there anyway that you can talk to DS first, without her being there?

recklessruby · 22/11/2020 12:22

Having been in a similar situation I sympathise. But you need to tell her to go.
Sitting in the dark alone all day wont be helping her depression at all (not your problem but it s affecting you) and I m sure it's not doing your son any good. If we weren't in lockdown would he want to come home to that every day? Never have plans to meet mates for drinks/sports etc? Never have a hard day at work and just want to come home and chill out on his own with Netflix /gaming?
Your younger dc will be suffering feeling awkward in their own home.
You ve got extra work and your dh cant be his normal self around this girl.
Trust me if your son moves out to live with her it will likely be short lived and a hard lesson for him. He will be back.
19 is very young to set up home together these days and he will soon see the downside of walking on eggshells around her.
Use the upcoming end of lockdown as a discussion, expecting she will be moving back home then.
It totally sucks because right now nobody s happy with the situation but you and dh need to be firm and tell her its not working.

Sparklingbrook · 22/11/2020 12:22

I don’t think that it’s the OP’s responsibility to try and talk to this girl, she has enough going on without taking that on.

Chalfontstgiles · 22/11/2020 12:22

What a lot of people are missing on this thread is how depression can generate utter inertia ....not getting washing done, not coming out the room, making own food isn’t necessarily wilful. These small things can seem like mountains to an individual that’s locked in serious untreated depression. What’s needed are baby steps.