Would you let your teen son's girlfriend move in?

[Busymum45]

Basically ds19 met this girl a while back (sort of knew from school) and she came to stop over one night mid October and hasnt left. She gradually moved in and is just here, on my son's small bedroom with him. She isnt working much, ds has a pt time as on a year out, when he goes to work she just sits in his room all day in the dark. Started piling her washing on the washing basket now. I'm cooking for all of us each night and her food vegetarian, (5 of us in the home).

I asked about some money but apparently she has none, doesn't come out of son's room as she is depressed.

Son and my dh have had a few clashes and heated run ins lately too and not sure if her being here so much is causing more problems, i,e dh jokes about and ds doesn't like it around the gf, ds also texted my dh and said dont touch my gf....

Dh unable to do much atm as had major surgery and more to come so I am doing everything. My younger child 16 wants her to go back home.

I am now feeling at the end of my tether and thinking about saying enough is enough time to go home now but can stay over a few nights a week if she wants.

AIBU??

For me I'd lay down some rules so they are both clear. She is welcome to stay up to three/four nights a week, you need to know in advance due to dietary requirements. She must do her washing at her house.

I don't like the sound of Op's husband's touching & jokes & don't think the fact that it is his house makes it OK.

Your DH shouldn't be putting his hands on her. It's really inappropriate.

OP has already explained over and over ...

but well done for trying to distract from this 'non invited' lodger from staying over ... not a penny for her 'vegetarian' meals nothing....

DH needs to boot her lazy arse out the front door ASAP 🌺

Any update op ?

Why are you letting the tail wag the dog?

"but well done for trying to distract from this 'non invited' lodger from staying over ... not a penny for her 'vegetarian' meals nothing...."

Well whose fault is that??

My younger brother had a friend who was always staying over (in the spare room). I hated it -- I didn't like the friend in the first place and I just felt that my home wasn't my own. If she's causing disruption or upset, send her home.

You need to find out the back story. It's not always simple, has she been thrown out by her parents for instance, it happens

@Busymum45

Thanks honest views is what I needed and good to know I am not being a monster by saying time to go (can we send her back in the lockdown)??

I can't believe how you've let this go on (even taking her to get more stuff) without a conversation with your son/him asking permission!

Would never have occurred to my kids to behave like this. Have they never had to ask at all to have friends over?

Hope the chat went ok op.

I don't like the sound of Op's husband's touching & jokes & don't think the fact that it is his house makes it OK.

Well whose fault is that??

Yip... Yours 🤔

dons hard hat I did this exact thing. Unhappy home, got a boyfriend at 19 who lived by the college we both attended, I lived an hour away and got buses in everyday. I slept at his one night, and just didn't leave. I was largely the same, rarely left his room even when he was in work. It was a big conflict and we clashed with his mum over it several times, I'd go home and then a few weeks later would do the same again and be back living there. I didn't chip in for food or bills and didn't do my own laundry. I hid in his room out of social anxiety rather than deliberately wanting to be rude - but with a far less selfish, caught up in the moment outlook reflecting on it now it was a grim thing to do. Very disrespectful to his mum and I almost want to apologise to her for it after reading this thread (It would be rather weird as we broke many years ago!) At the time I didn't see what her problem was, I was just quietly in his room not causing any trouble but as an adult I can see that was far from the case. They genuinely may not realise how selfish they are being, not that it makes it ok.

Anyway, on a separate note, it wasn't a good thing. I became very introverted and although not depressed spending my life in his tiny box room did make me quite down. So it definitely won't be helping her. We argued a lot, we were literally always on top of each other, the relationship was over long before it was over, but I didn't know how to go home. He was far more invested in me than I was him, I just didn't want to face reality and leave. It wasn't fair on him or his family, and I'm embarrassed to of acted like it!

Now a fully functional adult with husband and kids and a different outlook, as mean as you may feel you're doing the right thing long term, for them both. She does need to go, and be careful with the rules for sleepovers after, she may not plan on leaving.. speaking from experience.

@BlueThistles

I don't like the sound of Op's husband's touching & jokes & don't think the fact that it is his house makes it OK.

Well whose fault is that??

Yip... Yours 🤔

WTF are you on??

Omg tell her to go home. You are too kind OP. I wouldn't have that.

Did you speak up OP 🌺

I never let my teens have anyone stay even overnight.
No reason for them to ever leave!.

My teens can have whoever they like to stay overnight, none of their friends want to move in with us though.

OP there was a thread similar to this a year or so ago. The GF in that one wasn't depressed I don't think, but rather took over the house while the DS worked. Didn't get on with her own family and had moved in by stealth.

Anyway one poster said "watch out, next thing she'll be pregnant". A few posts later the OP confirmed she had just found out that she was indeed pregnant. Not saying that will happen here, but just remembered it ...

she would be given notice, to move home by 3pm monday (tomorrow)!

why the f have you let that go on so long OP?

your son owns you! would not stand for that crap

Had the chat, firstly my ds adores her and said he's the happiest he's ever been with her. Asked if they could stay at her parents but she isn't allowed. Ds and gf planning to work.more to get a place of their own. Agreed for now she can stay till lockdown ends then review. She's now paying me and will help out. I'm.not cooking for them every day now.

If I kick her out my son will be heartbroken and possibly they are both homeless.

We'll see how it goes till 2nd.
X

Are you saying that she has been kicked out of her home?

OP.... you've been loved bombed by your Son 😱

Op I think you’re silly for letting g her stay but I get it, you don’t want to hurt your son. I’d probably do the same silly thing. BUT don’t do her washing anymore. Get them their own washing basket and just don’t touch it. She needs to contribute to the household, laying in bed all day is not an option.

Is she nice apart from this?

They don't need to live together.

You know that right?

Your poor younger child 😔

it sounds like you are being played and in allowing her to continue to live there you are prioritising the needs of an adult women (who has exploited your hospitality) over your daughter who is still a child and deserves to feel safe and welcome at home. Your desire to have your son still living at home has clouded your judgment.

At 19 when I was living with parents I had to ask if I could have DP to stay over. It was 2 nights a week.
I'd never just allow him to stay! That's so disrespectful.
They're playing you a good'un. They're taking the piss actually. They won't be homeless. He has his home and she has hers which she chooses not to go back to because she wants to be in your DS's pocket.

The fact he hasn't seen his own friends since being with her, they spend every waking moment with each other and she follows him around is alarming tbh. And from what I gather the whole MH thing is also alarming because she could be using that to keep him near.

Paying or not, she'd be out for the sake of my younger child who's home it actually is and they don't feel comfortable with her there.

Also wouldn't allow her to lounge about in the room all day.