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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Would you let your teen son's girlfriend move in?

327 replies

Busymum45 · 22/11/2020 11:17

Basically ds19 met this girl a while back (sort of knew from school) and she came to stop over one night mid October and hasnt left. She gradually moved in and is just here, on my son's small bedroom with him. She isnt working much, ds has a pt time as on a year out, when he goes to work she just sits in his room all day in the dark. Started piling her washing on the washing basket now. I'm cooking for all of us each night and her food vegetarian, (5 of us in the home).

I asked about some money but apparently she has none, doesn't come out of son's room as she is depressed.

Son and my dh have had a few clashes and heated run ins lately too and not sure if her being here so much is causing more problems, i,e dh jokes about and ds doesn't like it around the gf, ds also texted my dh and said dont touch my gf....

Dh unable to do much atm as had major surgery and more to come so I am doing everything. My younger child 16 wants her to go back home.

I am now feeling at the end of my tether and thinking about saying enough is enough time to go home now but can stay over a few nights a week if she wants.

AIBU??

OP posts:
Confusedlady246 · 22/11/2020 15:36

Other issues aside as there is a clear theme in the replies, your husband's behaviour is concerning. When I was in my teens, one of my friends father's was very touchy and liked to 'joke' around. We all thought he was incredibly creepy and didn't like being alone with him. Your husband cannot go around touching people without their consent, that isn't normal behaviour by the way.

youvegottenminuteslynn · 22/11/2020 15:39

@Confusedlady246

Other issues aside as there is a clear theme in the replies, your husband's behaviour is concerning. When I was in my teens, one of my friends father's was very touchy and liked to 'joke' around. We all thought he was incredibly creepy and didn't like being alone with him. Your husband cannot go around touching people without their consent, that isn't normal behaviour by the way.
This. It made my skin crawl a bit as I remember two of my friends dads being like this. They may well have thought it was innocent and had no ulterior motives but it felt icky and creepy all the same. Especially when the 'it's just how he is' line came out whenever it was addressed 😬
jay55 · 22/11/2020 15:49

If they had asked you'd have been able to negotiate board and put rules and boundaries in place.
By just squatting you're feeling trampled over. So it will never work out now.

jessstan1 · 22/11/2020 15:50

I doubt the op's husband will put his hands on her shoulders, or whatever he did, again after the reaction he got! If she seriously thought he was being 'creepy', she would not still be in the same house.

Op, you and your husband have got to be firm and take action. Tell them straight that you have had enough of the girl being a non-paying lodger and she has to go home - today or tomorrow but pronto. Pack her bags if you have to. Telephone her parents and ask them to collect her.

The longer you leave it the more difficult it will be. You're not unreasonable to want your home to yourself and she is a lazy bitch not even doing her own washing.

Sparklingbrook · 22/11/2020 15:52

Rs the DH the poor man's had major surgery with more to come which isn't nice so he could do without a stranger in the house full stop. Doesn't sound great for his recovery.

Confusedlady246 · 22/11/2020 15:53

I think it was more than putting his hands on her shoulders. OP stated her husband is the type of person to touch people's arms and stuff when talking to them. I'd bet my house this habit only surfaces when he's talking to females

Original poster
Busymum45 · 22/11/2020 15:57

Dh isn't like that at all , he did the messing about once and they had a hug as she was upset, she even thanked him, this is nothing dodgy like that believe me !

OP posts:
nevermorelenore · 22/11/2020 15:58

This happened to my aunt too. My cousin is her youngest DS and was the last one at home and his girlfriend just sort of moved in one day and never left. Didn't work or anything. Just sat in their shared room and waited for my cousin to bring her meals. Didn't even come down for dinner. Her instagram was literally all selfies of her in the room.

Eventually she had a big row with my aunt and about two days later she buggered off to live with some bloke she had met online. So, err you might get lucky and she might bugger off on her own accord. Or you're just going to have to be the bad guy and chuck her out.

diddl · 22/11/2020 16:00

I don't like the sound of Op's husband's touching & jokes & don't think the fact that it is his house makes it OK.

It's not sustainable though apart from anything else the 16yr old is unhappy.

JiltedJohnsJulie · 22/11/2020 16:00

Have you spoken to them yet OP?

Sparklingbrook · 22/11/2020 16:00

@Busymum45

Dh isn't like that at all , he did the messing about once and they had a hug as she was upset, she even thanked him, this is nothing dodgy like that believe me !
Too late. Your DH has already been seemed guilty of inappropriate behaviour to all females by the sound of it. Poor man, how is he after his surgery?
Newuser991 · 22/11/2020 16:01

Your son is 19. Tell him he us most welcome to live with his girlfriend in his own place that he pays for.

He can't do that and she can't support herself. Fine she needs to go home then.

He can have whoever he likes in his own home

copperoliver · 22/11/2020 16:05

No. Definitely not. X

LadyTiredWinterBottom2 · 22/11/2020 16:07

Gosh @Busymum45 what a situation to find yourself in. The dad asking if you mind sounds like this girl has possibly told them she is living with you now.

It's your house. Regardless of whether she can contribute, your DS cannot move people in without consulting you! If he goes with her l wouldn't worry too much, most people would not be as accommodating as to have been - he will soon be back.

WildNorthEast · 22/11/2020 16:10

Even if she does go home for four days of the week, when she's at yours, both her and your son need to be more help around the house. They should be doing their own washing at 19 (his future wife /partner will not thank you for allowing him to be lazy around the house). They should be cooking and cleaning too.

S00LA · 22/11/2020 16:13

@Confusedlady246

Other issues aside as there is a clear theme in the replies, your husband's behaviour is concerning. When I was in my teens, one of my friends father's was very touchy and liked to 'joke' around. We all thought he was incredibly creepy and didn't like being alone with him. Your husband cannot go around touching people without their consent, that isn't normal behaviour by the way.
In that case, the sooner the girl moves back home the better.

Or she and the OPs Ds can get a studio flat or a room in a flat share. I’m sure their flatmates will happily do their washing and cook them vegetarian meals for free.

heydoggee · 22/11/2020 16:13

Your DH shouldn't be putting his hands on her. It's really inappropriate.

kittykat35 · 22/11/2020 16:14

Not a hope and I wouldn't have let it go on that long either OP!!

Tistheseason17 · 22/11/2020 16:15

OP - now you have received all this feedback supporting you on getting her back living with her Dad - what is the plan? As it is affecting your entire family, it's time this usurper is asked to leave!

Newuser991 · 22/11/2020 16:15

@heydoggee

Your DH shouldn't be putting his hands on her. It's really inappropriate.
Its really inappropriate to be an unwanted guest too
MrsBrunch · 22/11/2020 16:16

Obviously the touching thing is inappropriate but it's also irrelevant to the thread really.

OP none of the family want her there, so what is actually stopped you from asking her to leave?

teenagetantrums · 22/11/2020 16:17

I let my son's girlfriend move in at 20. However she paid rent and they bought Thier own food. Also helped out with general housework. I wasn't totally sure it was a good idea. But worked well. They moved out after a year then back in to save money for deposit. they split up but l still talk to her and am very fond of her.
No way would l be cooking for someone who doesn't contribute to house. she needs to go home. Give her a deadline and send her on her way.

2bazookas · 22/11/2020 16:36

Just tell DS and GF together, she has overstayed and must leave by Friday . No need to offer any reason or explanation, and its not negotiable. So there will be no discussion.

Has she got a set of your keys? Make sure you get them back.

2bazookas · 22/11/2020 16:45

@Busymum45

Would most people here ,let her stay if he paid something, or best to move her out and they can see each other / stay over 2/3 nights a week?
No. Don't ask for money, then she becomes a lodger. You very reasonably want her to leave, exit,GO.

I'd drop in at her parents, say you've had her long enough and ask them to come and get her and all her stuff asap.

copperoliver · 22/11/2020 16:47

He is 19 don't encourage it for him to get saddled down at 19 with some one with issues too.
He's far to young to settle down. Tell them she has to leave, she is not your problem and she needs to sort her own self out. You do not want her bringing your son down. If he goes with her when she leaves he will soon be back with his tail between his legs. X

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