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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Would you let your teen son's girlfriend move in?

327 replies

Busymum45 · 22/11/2020 11:17

Basically ds19 met this girl a while back (sort of knew from school) and she came to stop over one night mid October and hasnt left. She gradually moved in and is just here, on my son's small bedroom with him. She isnt working much, ds has a pt time as on a year out, when he goes to work she just sits in his room all day in the dark. Started piling her washing on the washing basket now. I'm cooking for all of us each night and her food vegetarian, (5 of us in the home).

I asked about some money but apparently she has none, doesn't come out of son's room as she is depressed.

Son and my dh have had a few clashes and heated run ins lately too and not sure if her being here so much is causing more problems, i,e dh jokes about and ds doesn't like it around the gf, ds also texted my dh and said dont touch my gf....

Dh unable to do much atm as had major surgery and more to come so I am doing everything. My younger child 16 wants her to go back home.

I am now feeling at the end of my tether and thinking about saying enough is enough time to go home now but can stay over a few nights a week if she wants.

AIBU??

OP posts:
Sarahandduck18 · 23/11/2020 12:17

Where is the mother????

There’s obviously some loss in this girls life!

I’d send in DD to spy and get to the truth of what’s going on.

Plus I do find the descriptions of the DH’s behaviours stomach churning and the dismissal of concerns disturbing.

BlueThistles · 23/11/2020 12:30

Plus I do find the descriptions of the DH’s behaviours stomach churning and the dismissal of concerns disturbing.

FFS not this AGAIN ....

FabbyChix · 23/11/2020 12:39

Are you feeding her? Seriously thats a no

MyChemicalMummy · 23/11/2020 12:49

I've only got through page one but have to comment. When she came out with the suitcase and the Dad said you were being good about it, why didn't you say something then? I would have.

FlyingByTheSeatof · 23/11/2020 13:35

I would hate this so much and would never allow it.
You're being very good about it OP and I'm glad you've managed to navigate it.

Cajanz · 23/11/2020 17:34

I’ve got a similar thing going on and I sympathise. I’m a single parent with other major problems to deal with so it’s not so easy to just tell them to leave. The bf’s parent already threw them out and they came to me just before the latest lockdown

momtoboys · 23/11/2020 17:35

I'm with Haha. I would have never put up with it in the first place but certainly that ship has sailed. I must be completely out of it but I have a bunch of sons and I would NEVER let the girlfriend spend the night in MY house. Not one night as a 19 year old. If they have moved in together and had to come to our house to visit, certainly then but I am still the crazy mom that hopes they will get married before they move in together. I know it is unrealistic but that is still my hope.

MuffinDoing · 23/11/2020 17:59

Great Post, 98% do not think you are unreasonable, given some advice (some good, some less helpful, as is ever the case), OP has a nice chat with son about problem, all is well for now, have come to happy arrangement. This is how life should be

Superleo837 · 23/11/2020 18:00

If she’s not contributing financially why isn’t she contributing some other way!? Helping with laundry or younger DS with homework. This is just freeloading. It’s made me quite cross. What do her parents think she is doing? I would be mortified.

Owl55 · 23/11/2020 18:05

Maybe the girlfriends parents and your son think it is less risky to your health by having her in your “bubble”, personally I think he’s taking advantage and it would be reasonable to ask her to move out now as the covid situation is improving slightly. I think if she has depression /mental health issues you need to handle it with sensitivity, perhaps discuss it and then suggest you can drop her off on a certain day .

Sally872 · 23/11/2020 18:09

Glad it is all working out OP. Well done. Can understand how a lot of the ill feeling/resentment can be resolved just by having a chat and a plan, but it isn't always easy to initiate.

DontDribbleOnTheCarpet · 23/11/2020 18:11

I think that accepting money from her is a mistake. That changes her position in the household, from uninvited guest to lodger. I'm sure she is saying all the right things at the moment, but I think you are being manipulated, OP, and I suspect you will regret being such a pushover.

Yespresh · 23/11/2020 18:12

As a Mum of older grown up children. Give this time. Don’t push. Try and help her, don’t push her out. You family may be what she needs to recover.

Celestine70 · 23/11/2020 18:15

I would say YANBU. However, if there are problems at her house will this leave her homeless? At least say she has to do chores and get a job.

Aglet · 23/11/2020 18:18

Tell son to move out too if he doesn't like it.

MrsMarrio · 23/11/2020 18:18

Literally my neighbours had this exact scenario over the summer. Mum literally had to pack the gf stuff up and take her back home. Then mum said she could stop over once a week but every time she stayed over it was near enough impossible to get her back out the house, she also didn't work or nothing. I'd have stern words and say she's welcome for dinner on certain days but not stay over.

FelicisNox · 23/11/2020 18:29

YANBU.

You didn't invite her, she's invited herself and your DS has a bloody nerve speaking to his dad like that!

Sit them both down and tell them the free ride is over and she needs to go home. Their love life is not your concern and it's having too much of a negative effect on your household.

I would also tell your son that if he speaks to his dad like that again he will be following her out of the door.

They've had a free ride up until now and they're abusing it so it's time to face the real world, he may be your son but he's not a child. Time to grow up.

If you're feing generous she could stay until new year but after that she needs to go home.

Tiredwiththeshits · 23/11/2020 19:05

I think you should invite her down for a chat and get to speak to her face to face. Say you have no problem with her visiting but you don’t feel it’s healthy for her to stay locked away all day in DS room and that you are concerned for her mental well-being.

Maybe she should look to get work and improve her self worth and also dependence and you will support her fully in that, she sounds to me like she needs guidance.
Most posts on here disregard her entirely. I’m not saying your I the wrong for asking for her to leave as such but I think your approach should be different. Good luck.

Blueink · 23/11/2020 19:31

Would suggest an agreement on which days she stays eg Weds Fri/Sat.
DH behaviour is not appropriate (with exception of the hug if she hugged him when upset). Those kind of ‘jokes’ condoned in the 1970s have no place now.

bespokepaininthearse · 23/11/2020 19:43

Tell your husband to stop touching people.

DreamTheMoors · 23/11/2020 20:01

@Busymum45

After lockdown she is only staying a few nights a week so we have sorted things, feels better.
No, @Busymum45 — your son and his GF have “sorted things.”

Your daughter must live with them.

Ahh - the mug life. Amirite??? Hmm

LoveBeingAMum555 · 23/11/2020 20:06

I agree it's your house, your rules and if you don't want her there then she has to go.

DS1 is 22 and his GF of 3.5 years stays over alot. They both work and are saving hard for a house deposit. She will wash up, make everyone cups of tea or empty the dishwasher, and her and DS will cook for us occasionally. We also have no other siblings at home as DS2 is at Uni.

However, much as I love her, I would have to seriously think about her living here full time.
We have a small 3 bed house with one bathroom. If DS2 comes home to visit with his GF it's a very full house. I would also want an agreement about money and sharing chores. Unfortunately you never had a choice and that's wrong.

LindaEllen · 23/11/2020 20:08

YANBU at all. Tell them she is able to visit two nights per week (or whatever you're happy with), and that when he is out of the house, she must go home.

If this doesn't fit with lockdown rules then unfortunately they will have to communicate on the phone like other teenage couples who don't live together.

It's not fair on your family to have her there all of the time.

weesocks · 23/11/2020 20:27

go see her mother and have a talk, also you don't mention what you think of her.
In any case its a hard call, just remember she could be your friend in the long run and depending on your son it could be she is your future D.I.L.
what happens now, you will all carry with you in the future.

comingintomyown · 23/11/2020 20:28

Just make sure you do follow up when this lockdown end date comes and she leaves or you will be stuck again. It’s nice your DS feels so smitten but they should either get a place together or accept they have to wait to live together like many do. It’s in no way your responsibility to be providing them with a home to live in as a couple and the fact he’s waited for you to come to him to talk about it instead of taking the initiative would disappoint me

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