Would you let your teen son's girlfriend move in?

[Busymum45]

Basically ds19 met this girl a while back (sort of knew from school) and she came to stop over one night mid October and hasnt left. She gradually moved in and is just here, on my son's small bedroom with him. She isnt working much, ds has a pt time as on a year out, when he goes to work she just sits in his room all day in the dark. Started piling her washing on the washing basket now. I'm cooking for all of us each night and her food vegetarian, (5 of us in the home).

I asked about some money but apparently she has none, doesn't come out of son's room as she is depressed.

Son and my dh have had a few clashes and heated run ins lately too and not sure if her being here so much is causing more problems, i,e dh jokes about and ds doesn't like it around the gf, ds also texted my dh and said dont touch my gf....

Dh unable to do much atm as had major surgery and more to come so I am doing everything. My younger child 16 wants her to go back home.

I am now feeling at the end of my tether and thinking about saying enough is enough time to go home now but can stay over a few nights a week if she wants.

AIBU??

Your 16 year old NEEDS to be the priority here. This just isn’t good enough from you. It’s their home and they don’t have anywhere else they can go. The girl does, she can go home

What do you mean she’s not allowed to go back to her dad’s?
Or is it your ds who is not welcome there.

Obviously If she is otherwise homeless that changes things. But you need to stop doing her laundry and special cooking for her and get some kind of financial contribution from her immediately. Admittedly it is not ideal to move between now and the 2nd.

She clings to him? do you mean she follows him about even making a cuppa? and not seeing his other friends is not healthy. If this was reserved he’d be called controlling, I’d be very concerned if any of my DC were in a situation like this.

You’re being played, OP.

As long as everyone in your household is happy with the plan that's fine OP. If your dh and younger child are not happy then it's not fine. None of us know about that from the little you've posted here. All the best.

My son and daughter have chatted and worked things out so dd is happier too. Think we have made a plan for now and everyone seems happy , will be reviewing anyway after lockdown. Thanks for the replies xx

Your daughter is being manipulated by her brother to shut up, she probably doesn't want fall out with him.

They are not allowed to go to her father's, as he, unlike you, doesn't believe it's essential his daughter has her boyfriend living with her.

You have sacrificed your daughter's wish not to have an uninvited stranger living in her home, for your son's girlfriend.

Having treated you like an absolute skivvy for six weeks, she's suddenly going to do what any half decent person would have been doing all along.🙄

They are right pair, that certainly have the measure of you OP.

Your poor daughter.🙄

Lovely message you are sending her as to EXACTLY where she comes in the family.

@billy1966

Your daughter is being manipulated by her brother to shut up, she probably doesn't want fall out with him.

They are not allowed to go to her father's, as he, unlike you, doesn't believe it's essential his daughter has her boyfriend living with her.

You have sacrificed your daughter's wish not to have an uninvited stranger living in her home, for your son's girlfriend.

Having treated you like an absolute skivvy for six weeks, she's suddenly going to do what any half decent person would have been doing all along.🙄

They are right pair, that certainly have the measure of you OP.

Your poor daughter.🙄

Lovely message you are sending her as to EXACTLY where she comes in the family.

This.

Grow a back bone and put your dd first.

Your hurting him far more by allowing him to be isolated from his friends at 19.

Wanting to live together and affording it are two separate things.

If he has you he has a home. He’s wormed his way round you to get what he wants.

Good luck, you’ll need it.

Yanbu. It’s your house. I wouldn’t have let her stay over in the first place. They’re 19 Bit weird and harsh there.

But YANBU. This is too much without her paying.

You’ve been manipulated good and proper there and your DD is the one suffering.

Just wanted to add...
My DB moved his girlfriend in when I was 17 (he was 19), they mainly stayed in his bedroom, even ate in his bedroom, I had to listen to them argue, listen to them have sex and when I was out she stole my clothes/shoes. I never said a word to anyone about not wanting her living with us because I didn’t want to upset my brother. My brother ended up packing in his job so he could spend even more time in his room with her, eventually he had a total breakdown because other than his gf he had nothing, he owed money, had no friends and had no life outside that room. I spent as much of my time as possible out of the house because it no longer felt like my home, at 18 I moved out.

Please do something to help both your ds and your dd, this girls issues are not your issues, your dc are your priority.

That's awful Lovemusic. Unfortunately, I think the OP is prioritising her wish to keep her son at home over the wishes of her younger child and DH.

We are only seeing how it goes till lockdown ends. My dd gets on with her and ds has not shut her up, they chatted for ages, dh always had no issue anyway. I.am not prioritising Ds, I am making sure everyone is happy , I've had a discussion with Dd and she is ok even wants to hang out with the gf later as Thet are dying hair , will see how it pans out

OP,

Your daughter wants her to go home but has been given a clear message that this girlfriend is of more importance.

You are rewriting the narrative to keep everyone happy.
This includes the girlfriends happiness equating to your daughter's.

This is very wrong.

His girlfriends happiness should not equate to your daughter's.

It is so sad that as her mother you don't get that.

You are rewriting history and not trying to keep everyone happy.
You are keeping your son and his girlfriend happy.
Read @Lovemusic33 story, not difficult to believe.
You are choosing to spoil important years for your daughter by showing her that her brother's girlfriend of 5 minutes is more important to her own mother.

If she judges you very harshly for this it will be no more than you deserve.

Keeping "everyone happy" when it sacrifices the clearly stated preference of your daughter is most certainly not keeping everyone happy.

IMO you are putting your EGO and your need to be liked by your son and this 5 minute girlfriend, ahead of your daughter...coming into a lockdown🙄.

Again your poor daughter.

The girlfriends father must be thanking his good fortune🙄

FFS, stop being a complete wet lettuce and ask her to move out. She has two homes that she can go to her fathers and step monthers or her mothers and step fathers. Your son won't move out because he has no where else to ho where he could live rent free, get his washing done and have his meals prepared and paid for!
Give your son some freedom from this girl, as harsh as it sounds, do you really want to encourage a long term relationship where his partner is depressed and unable to function fully as an adult.
On another note, stop 'letting things happen' to you . Why on earth did either your husband or yourself not stop when you saw the suitcase and ask a few questions? You obviously knew she was moving in but think that ignoring it means you aren't responsible for that decision. A trait you seem to have successfully passed on to your son. A trait that will bite him on the ass a lot as an adult. So well done there.

Just read the update that it's all sorted then?

DS& GF-1
OP-0

I think people are being a bit harsh here! If you've spoken openly to all the family and they are all happy with the situation and DS+GF are going to contribute to costs/chores then it sounds reasonable to see how it goes to end of lockdown which is only 2 weeks.

I guess I would be slightly worried about my DC living with a partner at 19 though, if that had happened by accident rather than them actively sorting it themselves. I'd rather they had a chance to do their own thing, see mates etc and not be too wrapped up in their relationship to the exclusion of all else.

Good luck though!

Wonder what was said to your daughter to change her mind?

After lockdown she is only staying a few nights a week so we have sorted things, feels better.

You OP stated that your DD wants her to go home. Your husband has had texts from your son about touching his girlfriend. Lockdown could easily be extended at any time.

Your DS and his gf are ruling the roost. And your DD has just been shown she’s less important.

I bet your husband would bother if it was a guy she’d brought home that was taking over your house.

Out of curiosity, do you honestly believe that 2 young adults who didn't have the manners to ask whether the girlfriend could move in, get fed for free, get her laundry done for free and also didn't have the manners to pull her weight with chores are going to miraculously change because you have said something?

We are all happy now as have come to an arrangement 🙂

I hope the arrangement works, but sounds like she'll still be there half the week after lockdown. I would hate this. I would never have allowed her to stay, especially as you say the below:

My son has not seen any friends on his own since he got with her, she clings to him all the time, making a cup of tea, watching tv etc

@TDMN

This happened to someone i know. The girlfriend is still there, 5 years later. Neither of them pay rent. No keep is being paid and parents want them out but every time the topic comes up either the son or the gf suddenly have a bout of depression come on so the conversation goes away.
I know that will come across as hugely cold and unsympathetic but unfortunately thats whats happening and the parents are so scared of 'upsetting them when they are already fragile' they are letting themselves be manipulated - the son and gf spend all their money on fancy gadgets etc so there's 'no money' to move out. Its driven a huge rift between the parents and the other siblings who have offered to support the son and gf in moving out/getting MH support but nothing ever changes. This isnt the only family i know with this issue either.

A warning for OP!