to think no sex is NOT always the kiss of death?

[moonlessmayhem]

Sorry NCed because (obviously) this is a bit of a personal issue.

I've read a few threads and had a few conversations with friends where the general consensus seems to be that sexless marriages are doomed or on their last legs. I don't really agree with this - I've had long periods of not having sex for personal reasons, and my relationship hasn't really suffered from it.

AIBU?

(also to preface NOT a troll, just a bit of a personal worry for me even if irrational)

unmarkedbythat

Your comment is spot on for me: it wouldn't so much be the lack of sex in itself which would be the dealbreaker for me: it would be the withdrawal of something which was previously a marker of love.

I could probably live without sex for life with the right person, but because sex is pretty important to me in the formative period of a relationship I would feel it as a massive withdrawal of affection if it went away. It would be symbolic as much as anything.

Some of the previous posters on here appear not to be very keen on it in the first place and I suppose if the relationship was established on this basis it makes more sense. If sex is subsidiary in a relationship you would feel the lack of it less.

If my bf withdrew sex, however affectionate he was and however much he loved me, it would eventually corrode our relationship because of the comparison with what was there before.

This is my favourite thread. I see so so many threads the other way and they make me feel awful. I felt totally abnormal till I talked to a professional about it and they said well of course you wouldn’t feel comfortable about sex with what’s happened.
I’ve had a lot of sexual trauma in the past which I’m now working on but don’t currently have sex. There’s so much emphasis on it for relationships that I think for a while we focused on what we should be doing rather then what was right for us.
I forced myself to do it then in secret would be very very upset afterwards which wasn’t good and probably would’ve been the kiss of death for our relationship.
I said he was welcome to look elsewhere as he didn’t sign up for that but we’re in love and there’s so much more to a relationship then that. So we’re working through it together and there’s many other ways to be intimate.
Thank you for making this thread

I know views on this thread maybe don't correlate with my own views and the original post, but I just wanted to say I'm so happy for you, @Toomuchagreement!
Truly, I think in order to understand what it's like to be in a loving relationship without sex you need to have experienced one firsthand, and it's so nice to finally hear the experiences of someone else in a similar setting! I relate to a lot of what you've said and I think normalising abstinence or breaks from sex is healthy - it's not the only expression of love or intimacy, after all.

Anyway I just wanted to say well done you for acknowledging what you need and looking after yourself - it's tricky but it's well worth it. Best of luck with the relationship and I hope some of your struggles with the past stuff eases soon