to think no sex is NOT always the kiss of death?

[moonlessmayhem]

Sorry NCed because (obviously) this is a bit of a personal issue.

I've read a few threads and had a few conversations with friends where the general consensus seems to be that sexless marriages are doomed or on their last legs. I don't really agree with this - I've had long periods of not having sex for personal reasons, and my relationship hasn't really suffered from it.

AIBU?

(also to preface NOT a troll, just a bit of a personal worry for me even if irrational)

I didn't want to have sex with my partner for about two years, no idea why, the urge just wasn't there, I stopped contraception incase it was hormonal but since going onto anti depressants this year thankfully my sex drive is back, I never thought I'd feel it again. It was tough on my partner and we did have an argument every couple of months about it but I trust that he never strayed and that he knew I hadnt either and that it was just an issue that we were trying to work through together and now we are so much stronger because we did.

So no I don't think it's always the kiss of death, everyone is different and when you love someone and think their worthy of spending the rest of your life with you make it work how ever you can.

@thepeopleversuswork

Wow. That is so well written 😊. I totally agree with what you said.

Yeahnahmum thank you!

NekoShiro

My sex drive also dropped massively after I had my DD: I basically had no interest for at least 18 months to two years afterwards. I was also at the tail end of an abusive relationship and we ended up splitting within three years but I've often wondered what would have happened if we hadn't.

I think if I'd been in a normal happy relationship with someone and the sex had just disappeared for two years I would have struggled with this. It's not the lack of sex per se, its what you read into the lack of sex and what it says about the underlying relationship.

It will depend on the health of the relationship to some extent but I think a lot of people would have found that hard so credit to you both for getting through it.

OP, my friend and her husband both work from home and have done so for years. My friend was also having an affair with a married man for the last 2 years.

Then I feel very badly for your friend's husband, @praepondero, but it's not applicable to all circumstances.

My ex is an alcoholic and we did not have sex for the last 4 years if our relationship. Before that we could go several months with no intimacy. He was always looking at porn and saying he was just looking. He was abusive also but the lack of sex and intimacy was a massive factor in us ending our marriage. It was soul destroying. I felt ugly and unlovable. My Fiance says I'm stunning and he loves me more than anything. I have always been slim, attractive and I keep myself looking good but he would rather get drunk and look at porn. I could not go without sex and intimacy again.

OP, so do I and despite being friends for a long time, I haven't been able to continue with the friendship. It's tainted, despite her affair having nothing to do with me. Strange. Was wrestling with myself for a long time whether to tell her husband but decided it's none of my business.
Made me totally review my beliefs and assumptions though.

Made me totally review my beliefs and assumptions though. To review them into what though @praepondero? I understand your friend cheated on her husband, and I genuinely feel for his loss and yours respectively, but it's not necessarily a sign that everyone who doesn't have sex or has periods without it is having an affair.

I don't think reducing men to people who NEED sex to the extent of cheating and paying for it is constructive. If I was cheated on, it wouldn't be my fault even if I hadn't had sex with him.

OP, please don't take my ramblings as suggestions that men can't live without sex, and that any man who doesn't get it daily will go and hump the postmistress or similar, pronto.
People are people and cheats will cheat even in happy relationships where both partners enjoy sex in abundance.
I think I have derailed the thread somewhat and I'd like to apologise for that.

I don’t think it’s a kiss of death. I’m 31, as is my DP. We’ve been together since we were 18. We’re got engaged last year, and we love each other dearly. We haven’t had sex in over 5 years. This is because I don’t enjoy sex at all and would far rather just have a hug. He would happily have sex...but he is equally happy to accept that I don’t like it. There is a hell of a lot more to a loving, committed relationship than sex alone.

@praepondero OP, please don't take my ramblings as suggestions that men can't live without sex, and that any man who doesn't get it daily will go and hump the postmistress or similar, pronto.

I guess I took it as such because you said upthread; Unless your DH has a very low libido, there's most likely an OW involved, someone who's married as well so keeping things quiet is in both of their interest. I can understand why you would want to mention the possibility that some marriages without sex result in extra-marital affairs, but to suggest that there is "most likely" an other woman in relation to my marriage seems unfair & presumptuous.

However, maybe you meant that statement on a more general note - no need to apologise, I just don't agree with the idea of people making major marriage-ending assumptions about my marriage solely on the basis of how much sex we have, is all!

I agree with you, @SweetPetrichor and I'm glad you're in a happy relationship! Congratulations on your engagement. x

OP, my comment earlier was a general one. I believe marriage to be much more than one of its components.

You did say "Sorry, I really hope I'm wrong here." which suggests it was personal, but I'll accept your explanation and we can chalk it up to a misunderstanding @praepondero.

For anyone else reading / contributing, feel absolutely free to contribute your own experiences or perceptions of sexless marriages but understand I'm using my marriage as a conversation starter and jumping off point - so please do not say things along the lines of, "He's cheating / using prostitutes" (or things that could be perceived that way). Thank you.

SweetPetrichor

"This is because I don’t enjoy sex at all and would far rather just have a hug. He would happily have sex...but he is equally happy to accept that I don’t like it. There is a hell of a lot more to a loving, committed relationship than sex alone."

This is quite eye-opening for me and I'm curious as to how this works.

Of course you have absolutely every right not to have sex if you don't want to and its to your OH's credit that he accepts this. But are you confident that if he wants sex (at least in theory) and you don't ever want it, that you will remain satisfied together? Does your relationship allow for the potential for him to have sex with someone other than with you if he wanted to? How would you feel about that?

Each to their own etc, but I know I couldn't marry someone who had effectively told me they would never have sex with me. How has he explained this to you?

I don't think it's the kiss of death. Maybe a sign that you need to spend a bit more time on making yourself feel good and back in touch with your sexuality.

I think the worst part of the no-sex relationship for me was how when the sex is gone, so too is the flirting, the sexual energy. Urgh, no, it's not for me.

firesong

"I think the worst part of the no-sex relationship for me was how when the sex is gone, so too is the flirting, the sexual energy. Urgh, no, it's not for me."

Me too. It's not only the physical act of sex its the whole aura of sexual chemistry which would disappear.

To be honest I can't see why you'd want to be married to someone without sexual intimacy.

Generally marriage is a huge legal/financial burden plus the invasion of privacy/headspace/individuality and to go through that and then not even to get any sex or romance out of it. Obviously some people do it for financial security or stability for their children etc, but aside from that....

You could have a very satisfactory close friendship with someone without the downsides of having to live with them. Why put yourself through it all?

Obviously everyone is different so no one answer will apply to everyone. But I know I couldn’t be in a relationship without sex and have previously dumped a DP for this reason.

If it was an otherwise happy marriage and my DH had specific reasons such as illness then of course we’d work through it. I would definitely not be able to cope if it meant no physical affection at all though, such as hugging, kissing, snuggling in bed. The relationship would be dead for me in that scenario. I also wouldn’t stay in a marriage where the sex had ended forever and/or where DH just made a unilateral decision. He’d have to communicate with me and there’d have to be the possibility of things getting better. After a year or 2 with no improvement I’d be off though. Life’s too short and it would kill my self-esteem.

I’m a woman btw, no need to make this into a “sex obsessed men” argument. I think many women would feel the same as me, judging from conversations with friends. Although many would stay for the children and then eventually leave when they were older.

I've always found everyone's obsession with sex bizarre. Sex and romance have always been two very different things to me.

But then I have come to the realisation over the last few years, discovering it and looking into it, I'm asexual (but romantically straight). I've been honest with my husband, who was thinking I had a problem with him specifically! It doesn't come naturally for me at all and never has, was actually really damaging mentally thinking something was very wrong with me my whole teen and young adult life, and so liberating to know I wasn't alone.

Thankfully my husband is very understanding and we joke about it. We're best friends and soulmates, still flirt, cuddle, kiss etc. and have sex every now and then (we're currently TTC actually).

Something to think about - lots of people find it easy to have sex with people they're not in love with, so why is it different to be in love with people and not have sex? Food for thought anyway.

Something to think about - lots of people find it easy to have sex with people they're not in love with, so why is it different to be in love with people and not have sex? Food for thought anyway.

I don’t think anyone has said it’s not possible - just that both people in the relationship have to feel the same way and one partner can’t make a unilateral decision and expect the other to suck it up. No different to if your husband decided he was aromantic in the same way you’re asexual, told you he couldn’t understand people’s obsession with romance, and expected you to accept that. It sounds as though in your relationship you’re both on the same page and your OH is also asexual or has a very low sex drive, hence your arrangement is more likely to work long term.

starkid that’s an interesting perspective and it’s lovely that you and your husband have been able to get to such a great position.

But, and with great respect, this is not the norm.

People do overvalue sex for sure and as a society we should probably de-emphasis it from the way we choose a partner. But it’s fairly rare to be able to completely decouple it from a romantic relationship and not something most people would want as the “steady state” in a marriage.

I think if you were to ask most people of their goal would be a sexless marriage the answer would be no.

I actually feel quite sorry for people who are unable to experience the intense physical and mental satisfaction that good sex creates. It's a truly wonderful life-enhancing activity and every time we do it I think how lucky I am to be able to get so much pleasure from it.

I think sex is important in a relationship and I would feel incredibly hurt if my dh didn't want to have sex with me. I would definately support him if it was a temporary reason such as illness etc but it would damage my confidence if it was a permenant thing.

There's different types of sex, romantic, rude or just a hilarious quickie. I don't find the intimacy from sex can be replicated elsewhere.

There have been times when I'm not in the mood but have gone along with it and soon enough into the action - I'm pleased it happened.

Is your dh supportive in other areas of your life? I had an ex was was a bit of a man child and it really put me off sexually. Dh is incredibly supportive with home life and children. This is a turn on for me.

I also love the playfulness of sex - I often tell dh "wait till I get you home" or "eat the pudding - you are going to need the energy for what I have in store for you". He says similar things in return.

Also, sometimes you just need to get back on the horse (no pun intended) after a period of no sex. Don't make it a big deal - there's no need to light candles and learn to do massage. I'm a big fan of quickies - there's no pressure and you have that connection in a few mins.

@moonlessmayhem thank you

@thepeopleversuswork We don’t have allowance in the relationship for him to seek sex elsewhere, and I am completely confident that it’s not something he’d do even if it was. It’s not that I say I will never ever have sex again. It’s not a hard no for the rest of our lives...it’s just that for now, I have no interest in it, and haven’t for years.

Having asked his opinion - out of curiosity since it’s not something that’s ever been a big deal to us - he basically gave me an odd look and said that to say sex is essential for a relationship implies there are no other intimacies and love to be had. Especially right now, since Covid is a test of every relationship, with people working from home and in constant close proximity. We’ve both been working from home since March. We get up together, work in the same room all day, eat together, relax together, and go to bed together. It’s constant company. We go to do the shopping together and the months where it was strictly one person per family only, we missed having the other there. Anything we do, we do together and that is no hardship. I wouldn’t have it any other way. Enforced working from home and being together all day every day just makes it clear how well we get on. Sex is a paltry thing in comparison. It’s not important in our relationship.
Maybe he’s an exceptional man for accepting me as I am? Who knows but it’s a non-issue for us. It’s never even warranted a discussion.