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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to think no sex is NOT always the kiss of death?

153 replies

moonlessmayhem · 22/11/2020 02:33

Sorry NCed because (obviously) this is a bit of a personal issue.

I've read a few threads and had a few conversations with friends where the general consensus seems to be that sexless marriages are doomed or on their last legs. I don't really agree with this - I've had long periods of not having sex for personal reasons, and my relationship hasn't really suffered from it.

AIBU?

(also to preface NOT a troll, just a bit of a personal worry for me even if irrational)

OP posts:
BathshebaWasOnTheRoof · 22/11/2020 19:38

@moonlessmayhem my celibacy situation was a gradual one. DH’s disinterest didn’t seem so bad during the years when DC were small. It crept up so there were lots of what seemed at first to be reasons but were actually excuses.

Also when I look back I can see there were red flags there in the early days. What is painful is his refusal to discuss it or do anything about it. For me, I’ve been a slowly simmered frog.

Is it divorce worthy? Not yet.

GlummyMcGlummerson · 22/11/2020 19:40

Maybe I've never had good enough sex, but I'm honestly not that bothered about it. I could happily live without it.

Original poster
moonlessmayhem · 22/11/2020 19:43

@BathshebaWasOnTheRoof I'm sorry, what an awful situation to be in. I pray I don't ever make my DH feel how you feel Sad. Do you think it will ever be resolved?

@GlummyMcGlummerson Me too, it's feels a bit like another thing to tick off the list for me sometimes.

OP posts:
toconclude · 22/11/2020 19:51

@bloodyhairy

Totally doomed.
Totally not.
yetanothernamitynamechange · 22/11/2020 20:04

I could be in a relationship without sex. I could not be in one without physical intimacy/affection and general affection or where it was plain my partner no longer thought I was attractive/desirable. I think often the no sex is accompanied by one or more of those other problems though.

Zuzu5 · 22/11/2020 20:06

I would say it depends on the individuals and comes down to wanting the same or different things in life rather than age etc. You wouldn't choose a partner who wants the complete opposite of you in life. Sometimes people break up because one wants kids and marriage and the other doesnt. I cant see why it wont be the same with sex. If both parties have low sex drive and dont value sex so much but prefer affection, spending time together, long conversations etc, then it won't be a problem. If one wants sex a lot and the other doesn't, however, then thats your problem. Time to move on to someone else. Whatever works for you and your partner, just make sure you are on the same page

ClickandForget · 22/11/2020 20:15

Maybe I've never had good enough sex, but I'm honestly not that bothered about it. I could happily live without it

Me too

SenselessUbiquity · 22/11/2020 20:53

OP, no one can tell you if it's ok for your relationship to not have sex. only you two can work that out.

Personally I think sex is one of the best things about being an adult and being in a relationship without having it is like being stuck indoors with the curtains closed all the time. It's horrifically claustrophobic, and sunshine is god given pleasure, given to us for free! I wouldn't put up with it - although I have - that is, sexless relationships, and relationships with people who wouldn't open the curtains. I wouldn't do it again though.

Original poster
moonlessmayhem · 22/11/2020 20:58

Not necessarily asking for advice on my own experiences, @SenselessUbiquity. More like trying to have a bit of a wider conversation and mentioning my own experiences when they seem relevant. I'm happy in my relationship (and I'm pretty sure my DH is too), I'm just keen to hear everyone's views on this topic as does usually swing in the direction of "sexless marriages are dead marriages".

OP posts:
Nutrigrainygoodness · 22/11/2020 21:09

Me and DP got together when I was 16, we had sex roughly once a week then a phase of every five mins 😂 then back down to once a week, then it dwindled even further then it stopped (for a good reason, and won't ever start again, I will never have penatrive sex with dp again) and that's absolutely fine, we have a better relationship now than we have for years. But I am only 29 and I don't know if I would be happy never having sex again? And when that becomes an issue it will mean that my marriage breaks up. So eventually no sex will kill my marriage.

Sadwife321 · 22/11/2020 22:55

@BathshebaWasOnTheRoof

I’m in a sexless relationship. DH is not interested at all. He won’t talk about it, go to the GP or anything. He’s effectively made the decision that I’m going to be celibate forever more. As long as I remain married I’m unlikely to have sex again.

It’s a major problem for me. I think he’s convinced himself that actually it’s not really a problem despite me telling him it is.

What’s actually happened now is that I resent him so much that I no longer fancy him anyway. If I told him I was leaving because of the absence of sex I’m quite sure he’d act all surprised and disbelieving.

It’s death by a thousand cuts and I feel DH has unilaterally broken our marriage vows.

Snap Sad

I’m 4 years into this situation and desperate to leave, but the feeling of rejection (even though he assures me it’s not a rejection, he still loves me, still finds me attractive, still wants things to get back to ‘normal’, but doesn’t know why he doesn’t want sex...) has eroded my self-esteem to the point where I’m totally depressed and can’t summon the energy.

So yes to PPs who’ve made the point that it’s fine if it’s mutually agreed, but very much not fine if the decision is made unilaterally.

Osirus · 23/11/2020 00:58

I wouldn’t be happy in a relationship without sex.

DH does have a lower sex drive than me and once said that he wouldn’t care if one of us ended up in a situation where we could never have sex (basically meaning he would be happy to continue in a sexless relationship with me).

I on the other hand would not be happy. I think it’s really important even though we only do it once a month. I’d like it more but I wouldn’t want to have sex with someone who was only doing it to make me happy. I’d sooner leave or have an open relationship. I don’t ever want to be a position of unilateral celibacy.

Anothernick · 23/11/2020 07:39

When two people enter into a relationship part of the deal is that sexual satisfaction will be provided in mutually agreed ways. These may change over the years but one partner imposing permanent celibacy on the other is a deal breaker. For most people sex is a physical and psychological necessity and withdrawing it without a good reason, like illness, will inevitably cause resentment and undermine respect and commitment.

cravingthelook · 23/11/2020 11:46

@Sadwife321 and @BathshebaWasOnTheRoof I let this go on for 7-8 years. We split 18 months ago, my only regret? I hadn't done it sooner.

thepeopleversuswork · 23/11/2020 11:54

Sadwife321

"So yes to PPs who’ve made the point that it’s fine if it’s mutually agreed, but very much not fine if the decision is made unilaterally."

This exactly.

I had a boyfriend for a while who had a very low sex drive basically wasn't really interested after the first 2-3 months. I tried more than once break it off and cited this as a reason for a long time I thought he might be gay.

He would insist that we were so "intellectually compatible" that we couldn't split up as we'd never find anyone else to whom we were as well matched and that a fulfilling sex life would eventually grow out of this and that I just had to be patient. But then gave absolutely no indication of having any libido whatsoever where I was concerned.

I just ran out of patience with it eventually.

praepondero · 23/11/2020 11:56

Unless your DH has a very low libido, there's most likely an OW involved, someone who's married as well so keeping things quiet is in both of their interest.
Sorry, I really hope I'm wrong here.

FabbyChix · 23/11/2020 12:12

Sex is a need not a right.

Mylittlepony374 · 23/11/2020 12:14

Unfortunately I agree with @praepondero and @NailsNeedDoing. I don't believe any man would stay long term in a sexless marriage without getting sex elsewhere, be that prostitutes or other women.

I say this knowing 2 outwardly really good men who regularly pay for sex. Their wives don't know. They joke about giving it to their hubby's on Xmas and birthdays. It's grim and I wish I didn't know. But I do.

I (woman) wouldn't stay in a sexless marriage FWIW. It would be a deal breaker for me.

thepeopleversuswork · 23/11/2020 12:38

Mylittlepony374

I think there are some men who genuinely don't have a high libido. I know of one (outwardly at least) very successful open marriage where the woman is sleeping with other people and the man (to her knowledge) isn't.

He apparently doesn't want sex any more but still loves her very much and wants to remain together. They don't have kids or any other obvious reason which would limit them splitting. Its possible that he's getting it elsewhere but knowing them both fairly well I don't think so.

FabbyChix sex is definitely not a right and no-one has the right to impose it on a partner in a marriage. Obviously most marriages go through dry spells etc. But in my view the internal logic for a marriage without sex sort of collapses after a while. Aside from having children together I cant see what the justification is for staying yoked to someone like that if you are not intimate with one another. Being legally and financially bound with someone else in theory for life, and with the expectation that you will usually live together, if you're not having sex or any kind of intimacy seems an unnecessary burden to me.

79andnotout · 23/11/2020 13:56

My DP will only have sex with me if I ask him, and schedule it. He's really not interested. We've been together for nearly a decade and it tailed off within the first year or two. We went to a sex therapist as it worried me and it helped clear things up but hasn't really made much difference to his sex drive.

Honestly, once I realised it wasn't about me or our relationship, I wasn't that bothered. My interest in sex tends to dwindle in long term relationships anyway, once the newness and excitement has gone, so I feel quite lucky I'm not going to be pestered every night and can just read a book or watch tv instead. There's no way I'd be happy with this this in my twenties or thirties, but in my forties I'm tired enough and content enough with all other aspects of our relationship to count myself lucky.

Sometimes I meet a hot man and take that fantasy to the bedroom for some self pleasure. I'm sure that's what most married people in relationships do if their partner's aren't up for it? Not rush out and see a prostitute.

Original poster
moonlessmayhem · 23/11/2020 14:09

Unless your DH has a very low libido, there's most likely an OW involved, someone who's married as well so keeping things quiet is in both of their interest. @praepondero This is so far from the case, and your assumption is actually quite entertaining. I WFH so unless he's having sex with the criminals he meets at work, I'm not sure where he'd find the time and disposable income to be soliciting prostitutes or dating.

Sex is a need not a right. This could be the slogan for marital rape, @FabbyChix. If sex was a need, all the religious figures and otherwise abstinent people would be long dead.

OP posts:
Yeahnahmum · 23/11/2020 14:24

Chemistry without sex is friendship
A marriage with no sex where one of the partners has a high sex drive and the other has no (or little sexdrive) is doomed. Or it can stay alive but only if the higher sex drive person finds relief else where.

And no. A relationship is not just about sex. But going without sex for months can driveyou up the wall.

A sexless marriage is fine between two Asexual peoples. But otherwise. No imo it can not exist. I would die inside if my marriage would be just kisses and cuddles. And i guess sexually active people could stay in a sexless marriage

But it wouldnt be a monogamous marriage

Yeahnahmum · 23/11/2020 14:27

And op.
A quickie or a BJ with anyone (ow....sex worker...etc) only takes 5 minutes....

Original poster
moonlessmayhem · 23/11/2020 14:30

@Yeahnahmum

Well then I guess we are asexual, by your definition! You can express your opinions without mentioning if you think my husband has sex with prostitutes (which, for the record he doesn't). Thanks.

OP posts:
thepeopleversuswork · 23/11/2020 14:35

Yeahnahmum

Agree. If two married people genuinely happen decide at exactly the same point that they both have the exact same level of low libido and make a mutual agreement that they want to remain together without sex then that could work, theoretically.

But how often do people decide at the exact same time that they both love one another but no longer want sex with each other? Hardly ever, I would guess.

In reality its almost always an unbalanced situation where one person goes off the other sexually either for psychological reasons or for existential reasons such as illness or childbirth.

Part of the reason why sex is important is that its a mutual expression of mutual love. Not the only one but an important one. If one person decides that is no longer a valid way of expressing love then its bound to undermine the other person's trust and self-esteem.

If that's temporary most people can suck it up for a bit. But if sex was a big way of demonstrating love in a marriage and one person unilaterally withdraws it, the other person's trust and self-esteem is going to take a battering. I wouldn't be able to justify remaining in the marriage, personally.