to think no sex is NOT always the kiss of death?

[moonlessmayhem]

Sorry NCed because (obviously) this is a bit of a personal issue.

I've read a few threads and had a few conversations with friends where the general consensus seems to be that sexless marriages are doomed or on their last legs. I don't really agree with this - I've had long periods of not having sex for personal reasons, and my relationship hasn't really suffered from it.

AIBU?

(also to preface NOT a troll, just a bit of a personal worry for me even if irrational)

If you’re not fussed but your partner has a high sex drive then you really are kidding yourself that he’s going to be okay with some affectionate cuddling and kissing.

There’s only so long he’ll put up with that, and only so long he should have to, because everyone deserves to feel wanted in that way and someone with a high sex drive will need that.

A relationship without sex is just a friendship.
If you’re not fussed but your partner has a high sex drive then you really are kidding yourself that he’s going to be okay with some affectionate cuddling and kissing.

Huh, seems I am alone in my thinking!
I don't agree that relationships without sex are friendships. I have a much stronger emotional connection and trust with my partners than I could with a friend, probably due to the affection and intimacy. Also, you don't snog your friends (unless I'm really missing something!)

He does naturally have quite a high sex drive, but he's expressed that he would rather have a sexless relationship with me than one full of sex with someone else. We still have hope that my sex drive will get higher, but even if it didn't, I think we would be OK.

I'm sorry to anyone who DID have their lack of sex be the kiss of death in the relationship.

"A relationship without sex is just a friendship"

Friend aren't committed to sharing every aspect of their lives together. Financially, emotionally or physically.

I was in a sexless marriage because of my DH's illness. I made the compromise because I still loved him (why wouldn't I?), it was good in every other way and the compromise was worth it.

If there wasn't an illness happening then I don't think I'd continue unless he'd accept me having flings because when I was younger I couldn't have lived without sex.

DH had unilaterally ended our sex life. We haven't had sex for almost 2 years. We get along, are friends, he is caring and generous and we co-parent well so I won't leave but it is rather soul destroying, I have to say.

Mumsnet will have you believe you need to be shagging three times a day or your man will have a completely justified affair, this place is full of hyperbole with people doing mental gymnastics to make themselves feel superior.

It actually just boils down to the pair of you and if you're happy.

Some people get their happiness from sex, others get it in different ways. As long as you do it often enough to satisfy each of your needs then it makes absolutely no difference what anyone on this forum thinks. As long as you communicate well with your partner it is entirely possible to have a long dry spell without any problems, it's just a matter of talking about the reasons why, and making sure the other person feels loved in other ways.

People who say it's a deal breaker are often not seeing the faults in their relationships. Lack of sex is actually the straw that broke the camel's back and gets blamed for an awful lot more going on underneath the surface.

Lack of sex is actually the straw that broke the camel's back and gets blamed for an awful lot more going on underneath the surface. Couldn't agree more with this @MrsMigginsMate.

I think "no sex" usually springs up lack of attraction or no emotional intimacy in other people's minds, but it's not necessarily always that. I'm a bit curious how much sex you have to be having to be in a healthy relationship / "not a friendship"

Sorry to hear it though, @NovemberNameChangeYeahBaby

Lack of sex tends to magnify other problems in a relationship.

"I disagree with you about x AND I'm not happy with our sex life"

"I disagree with you about X BUT you give me a good time sexually so I won't push it."

It's hard to be angry with your DP when you're cuddling up in the afterglow, its the moment of maximum closeness in a relationship.

@Anothernick I guess I don't see sex as maximum closeness - I could have a ONS with John the butcher and feel pretty apathetic to the sex and him. Maybe you're trying to say it amplifies the emotional intensity when you're in a relationship, but I don't think I naturally get much emotional high from sex (I acknowledge that I'm the anomaly though!).

Definitely never thought "I won't discuss something with you because you're quite a nice shag", though, that seems mad to me

Sex is quite important to me so it would be bad for me in my relationship. But honestly I think it's up to the people in the relationship and if they're happy fair enough
I think the biggest thing is mutual agreement. As if one partner still wants sex and the other doesn't it can cause resentment. I think it's hard for both parties to be totally honest. As if my partner said he'd didn't want sex ever again I would be very tempted to agree as I love him dearly. So I suspect lots of people just agree to no sex just to keep their partner.

We've been together for over 30 years and we rarely have sex, but we are very affectionate and would both unhesitatingly say we love each other romantically. Neither of us happens to have a very high sex drive (if anything his is probably lower than mine) and there are lots of other reasons why we want to be together.

A relationship without sex is just a friendship.

What a load of nonsense.

@moonlessmayhem. I'm a bit curious how much sex you have to be having to be in a healthy relationship / "not a friendship"

There is no magic number. You could never have sex with your partner but still enjoy a traditionally romantic and valid relationship. The change that makes it a friendship rather than a relationship is entirely emotional in my view. If you switch it around we have all read people's relationship troubles on here where they feel as though they are just friends with their husbands and just have sex to go through the motions. Sex does not make a relationship. Its certainly an important part for some people but it's not a good way to define one.

All this thread serves to show is that people are different. I think notable that lot of people have a strange relationship with sex: people on this thread have demonstrated that to some extent. The idea that sex should be both unimportant enough that if you aren’t having it then it shouldn’t be an issue for your relationship; but is also so fundamentally important that most people who don’t want sex would also be devastated if their partner had it with somebody else.

@BubblyBarbara

A relationship without sex is just a friendship.

What a load of nonsense.

Utter and complete bollocks. Relationships aren’t set in stone, they change and mutate. Most relationships go through dry patches. There’s a lot more to loving and being loved than sex.

I think a lot of happy sexless marriages will be being propped up by prostitutes tbh.

There may well be some relationships where both partners have an equally low enough sex drive for it not to be a problem, but the sex industry is as booming as it always was, and you’d be very naive to believe that a large proportion of its customers aren’t going home to happy, unaware wives.

Depends if you are both happy with no sex - problems occur when one has no desire for sex and the other does and feels unloved/unwanted/frustrated etc... one controlling what the other has. I personally couldn't stay with someone that didn't have any sexual desire

A relationship without sex is just a friendship

We had a very sex-starved period lasting several years when the DC were tiny and I was on anti-depressants (thanks PND!). Its passed now, but we were very definitely more than friends. It wasn't ideal, but it strengthened our relationship in a way in that DH was very supportive and understanding throughout.

I think once it's gotten beyond the year mark, then it's..... worrying for the future.

Unless of course you both have the sex drive of a sloth, which does happen of course. And those marriages tend to be fine, as its fundamentally two fairly asexual people and they find it easy to separate sexual love from romantic love.

But most of us are not in fact asexual. And really like that romantic love leads to sexual love. And find sexual love definitely enhances the romantic love. Stops it ebbing away.

So if one of you has become asexual and effectively ended the sexual love, then I think for a person who needs the mix, it's a situation they will struggle in.

And I have read a lot of threads on here where women are shocked (SHOCKED!) when their husband blurts "out of the blue" that he doesn't know if he's in love anymore. And about 3 pages in there is a brief mention that they have had sex about 3 times in the past 18 months or even less, but everyone glosses over that to support OP, who is absolutely floored that the lack of sexual love in her marriage has eroded the romantic love.

Look at the current thread about the guy who is having too much secret texting with the celebrity. All along it was: "It's just hard because other than this, I have no issues in my marriage. We don't really fight, our routine with the kids is like clockwork" Total bafflement that they may be slowly grooming each other for an affair. Why? When everything at home is fine??!

Today the little drip feed that OP and her DH haven't had sex in over a year.

People get very very defensive about this subject, but there is no doubt being in a sexless marriage can absolutely corrode a marriage for some.

It depends on the individual as people have vast differences in their sex drives. There are also certainly plenty of circumstances where sex can take a back seat for a while (raising small children being one of the most obvious ones).

But there's a difference between going through a dry spell for circumstantial reasons and being in a marriage where sexlessness is the default position. I wouldn't be able to tolerate the latter indefinitely.

For me the optimal state really is to be single unless I find someone I really love and have great sex with. I don't particularly like cohabiting and am far happier living alone (with my DC). I can't imagine what the upside would be of living with another adult if I wasn't having sex with them. Not saying sex is the only point of a relationship but there are a lot of downsides to living with someone and without sex I'd start to wonder what the point was after a while.

Mumsnet will have you believe you need to be shagging three times a day or your man will have a completely justified affair

Came on to say this. These threads are always full of people who say they have sex at least 3-4 times per week. This is only something I discuss with the closest of my friends but none of us (40s, all with youngish kids) have sex anything like that frequently.

I think as PP said it depends on if both sides are happy with the frequency and if there is honest communication about it. Relationships, especially very long-term ones, are not just based on sex. As PP said there is also commitment to being a family, financial commitment, emotional commitment, companionship, humour, shared interests and values.

If one person in the relationship was sure they would never want to have sex again, then that might make a difference, but infrequent sex if both parties are ok with that is not the end of a relationship.

How would you feel if your DP had meaningless sex with someone else OP?

I think this stuff about sexles marriage been doomed is driven by one thing: the idea that men are entitled to sex and possible cant cope wo it.
(And lets be honest, when its the other way around, in most cases, women just put up with it. You usually hear abot it when its a women who has 'gone off sex').

The massive issue I have is the consequence of that. You end up with women who think they have no choice but to have sex woth their partenr, make an effort etc... in fear to see them cheating or separating. Hence all the talk of 'well I wasn't really feeling in the mood but often, when we get down to it, I find it still enjoy it'.
Or women talking about making an effort for their partner re sex, having sex more often that they would chose to etc....

The bottom line is that no sex can indeed be a symptome of relationhsip that is on its knees. It can also (very often?) be the consequence of many other issues such as lack of sleep, no hlep at home from said partner, low libido from tiredness/the pill/perimenopause etc etc etc. Imo it is totally possible to retain that clseness and intimicay wo having sex. Its probably more work for man though.....

As always, depends on the relationship.

I've had problems in the past that went on for a long time with me being blissfully unaware of the issue until it got serious enough for my partner to raise it with me. By that time he was seriously worrying about the future of the relationship unless things changed.

I would say to OP and others in sexless relationships where they themselves are happy: make sure you are not assuming that your partner's silence is an indication that they are happy. Men are often shit about discussing this, especially if you are dismissive or get angry when they try.

A relationship without sex is just a friendship
If you’re not fussed but your partner has a high sex drive then you really are kidding yourself that he’s going to be okay with some affectionate cuddling and kissing.

Well that's assuming that said partner has a high sex drive. Do all men do have a high sex drive? Or are we told that to be a man you have to have a high sex drive and think about sex all the time??

I mean lets be honest there. Are you expecting all single people, men and women, to go see prostitutes or have ONS on a weekly basis ? Because I don't and I don't think this reflect the reality at all.
So why is that when the same people are in a relationship, suddenly ts a deal breaker. Nothing is saying they are going to have sex more often once they are single!! (Even though the possibility is there)

A relationship without sex is just a friendship

Not true at all

DH has a spinal disability after a car accident so we can't have penetrative sex at all.

But
He still touches me with his hands and mouth and we are very loving and affectionate.
We've been married 30 years
We still kiss and cuddle. He tells me he loves me every day and I love him.
It's sad that we can't have 'proper ' sex but we still have a loving marriage