To not be able to forgive myself for the way I treated my babies?

[Notmyusual80]

They're 11 and 7 now but when I think back to how I was when they were babies, I absolutely despise myself. Having young babies turned me into someone I didn't recognise- so angry, a control freak, completely and utterly obsessed with sleep.

To be clear, I never did and never would hurt them. But my god I used to shout a lot. And lose my temper. When they were tiny. My first was an absolute angel of a baby, so easy. But I didn't know that at the time as I had nothing to compare her to. I had a really hard few months getting her into a sleep routine and I'd lose my rag if she wouldn't go to sleep/ had unexpected night wakings. I was so obsessed with the knock on effect it would have if sleep didn't go just right. The poor little thing was and still is such a good girl.

I thought I'd be better with my 2nd but he was more hard work than my DD and I think that made things worse because I thought I'd know it all the 2nd time around and it would be easy. I frequently lost my temper with him. What an awful thing to admit. And I'd snap at my sweet DD who was a toddler as I was wound up. One time, the baby had been unwell with tonsillitis but was almost fully over it. He kept waking one night but rather than thinking he might still be feeling poorly and therefore being sympathetic, I got cross with him and was swearing and huffing. It was almost like I felt he was doing it on purpose?!!! My mum reminded me of it the other day and said she wanted to shake me at the time. Another time, I'd had a few really bad nights and the baby woke in the night and when i went to settle him, i realised he'd pooed and I said something like "great, you've pooed,course you have you dirty little xxxxxxx". My DH had a real go at me and rightly so - I apologised straight away. I feel so awful and ashamed admitting to all this.

I clearly remember when my second was a baby feeling really angry a lot of the time, where my whole body would be clenched and I'd be almost shaking. What the hell was wrong with me? I must say, I wasn't like this all the time - just when sleep was going badly and I was feeling anxious about it. I completely love and adore my children and I did and do show them a lot of love.

The thing is, there was so much about the baby years I absolutely loved - playing with them, taking them to baby groups, watching them interact with other babies and toys, just feeling like I had these little sidekicks with me. I'd give anything to go back and be the mum I should have been. It completely haunts me and I pray they don't remember any of it.

I spoke to a friend the other day who has just had her second (3 weeks ago) and she just sounded so thrilled and kept saying she can't believe how happy she feels. She was expecting it to be awful because her 1st was really hard work but this baby is really easy and she just feels so happy. I voucher cried remembering what a snappy, stressed, nasty cow I was at that stage with my two.

I'm scared to post this as I expect a lot of people will think I sound like an absolute monster. But i just need to know if anyone has had a similar experience at all and if so, how they've learned to live with it?

Please don't feel bad. We're all human. I'm a single mum to my LO.. My little girl didn't sleep properly for 8 months. Her father, my now ex pretty much forced me to breastfeed and berated me constantly when I struggled.. After 8 months I was ready to jump out of a window and told ex p to eff off and I was giving her formula. She sleeps like a dream and has done ever since.. I also used to shout at her because I was in a very abusive relationship with her father and was so isolated and still today I feel awful that I took my anger out on her.. But the way I see it is.. She loves me and I love her.. We had some bumps in the road and we're all human. I will be forever remorseful I shouted at her but I will be a better mum every single day of my life to her. We're all human.. Not superhuman. Please don't beat yourself up.. And most importantly of all.. You've acknowledged it and you know it wasn't right.. That speaks volumes about the person you are. X

Op I was a dreadful parent for the first couple of years. Emotionally quite unavailable, impatient, definitely depressed and suffering the after effects of an awful birth. I resented him for my physical and emotional injuries. I had full on PTSD.

I had counselling and it changed me for ever
Luckily he was only just two when I got a grip of myself and won’t remember anything about how crap I was before then.

I have always spoiled my son emotionally in an effort to make up for his start and I can tell you that at the age of 11 he is secure confident, happy, feels loved and shows no ill effects of having an emotionally vacant mother initially.

So all you can do really is forgive yourself and move on.

You’re not a monster. There’s a reason sleep deprivation is used as a torture technique. It messes with your head so much. Sounds like you might have had pnd as well. Your kids are happy and healthy and it sounds like you’re a lovely mum. Don’t beat yourself up for shit that happened years ago. Move on, try and forgive yourself and focus on being the mum you want to be now.

I think it’s great that you have the insight to recognise what was a tough time for you and you lacked the emotional resources some of the time to be gentle. That’s a huge start and your children are still young, no parent is perfect and it wouldn’t be healthy to be. It would mean a lot to your children in an age appropriate way as they grown to acknowledge any hurt they may bring up from that time and apologise to them, to help them makes sure they feel loved and seen. Some parents are great when thier kids are going and can’t cope with pre teens, so acknowledge the past and be realistic about it but don’t live in it.

For me the earlier years were far easier then when my DD started school - I became obsessed about getting to school nice n early so I wouldn’t be too late for work - I became a screaming banshee and I’m so ashamed looking back I can’t believe I shouted at my DD when I worked flexible time anyway (tho there was snide remarks from colleagues about my late starts which I took to heart) my DD is an adult now and I hope she forgets (forgives) how I behaved.

*are young

I didn’t know what to vote for technically but you sound like a wonderful mum, and certainly not a monster. It sounds like PND to me, and I speak from experience on that one. Anger was a huge feeling for me, frustration etc. Sending lots of love.

Awww I think YABU not to forgive yourself. Sounds like you may have had PND to be honest and I can fully relate to that feeling of being snappy all the time.
This is actually the reason I have t had another one as I can’t go through feeling like that again and it’s not worth the risk to me it was that bad.
Do you feel that you are more calm with them now they are older? I hope you do.
Have you spoken that them about it, they are old enough to understand that we all make mistakes and maybe seeing how they feel will be a good step for you to be able to fix it.

This is the first time I have posted on MN but I was moved to respond to your post. I have such similar feelings and I have never admitted them to anyone. My DD was a dream, slotted into a feed/sleep routine within weeks. I expected DS to be the same but far from it. I expected him to fall into the same routine and found it very difficult when he didn't. DD ate 5 'meals' a day almost from day 1 and slept through the night very quickly with 1 long midday sleep. Looking back on it DS would have been happier napping and 'snacking' many times a day whereas I bought him a swaddle blanket as I couldn't understand why he wouldn't settle. They're now 15 and 13 and they eat in exactly the same way!! You'll be pleased to know I've got used to it by now!
I love them to death, and like you, hope he doesn't remember that bloomin' blanket.

I haven’t read the replies but wow.. we are twinning mums!

I’ve been there, done that and tortured myself before gaining the T Shirt.

All I can say is: the fact you can reflect on your parenting and write this, speaks volumes. It says you are an amazing mum. You care. But you now have a choice - accept that and move on and continue to be the best you can (self forgiveness is key) or stay in a cycle of torture and parent from a place of guilt and self ridicule which will continue the cycle.

I have chosen both paths. I am much happier now that I’ve forgiven myself and now parent from a place of calm.

We ALL make mistakes. We don’t give birth to a baby and a manual.

Be kind to yourself. The rest will fall into place.

YABU to not forgive yourself. Do it. It’s relentless, parenthood, especially those early days. Forgive yourself. You’re not a monster in anyway.

Being a mum is hard. We're only human. Sometimes I lose my rag. Sometimes my Mother did too. Be kind to yourself. We all mess up from time to time

@Notmyusual80 There are plenty of people in life who will be hard on others, please don’t be hard on yourself. At least you have the self awareness to ask yourself if YABU and post about it, some people never realise what a nightmare they are. I recently had similar thoughts about myself and my own experiences as a mother to a young child. What I’d wanted for so long turned me into an angry, cantankerous, moody bitch, probably because of injury, pain, birth trauma and lack of sleep. Christ how do we even survive all this schizzle, let alone stay sane. I did my best to ensure he didn’t experience any emotional abuse, it was me who suffered instead. And you know what, he’s fine. He’s an amazing young person, in lots of ways nicer, kinder, more thoughtful than friends who’s mums didn’t struggle during their children’s early years. And I still enjoy him even though he’s nearly grown. Early motherhood is over romanticised. I’d imagined fairy cakes, swinging him around in a sun dappled garden ..... what a gobshite! It’s hard, but still the best thing I’ve ever done. You’re fine, your kids are fine, they will be fine. Well done. You’ve survived.

Please do forgive yourself. You certainly aren't alone in your feelings. And, you say, your DD is a lovely child. I felt so sad reading your heartfelt post and remembered feeling very much the same way when my boys were babies.
They are now in their late thirties and seem to have survived pretty well. Be good to yourself!

I've not RTFT - but just wanted to say two things: (1) as a mum myself, this happens to me too, you lose your temper, shout, and then feel so bad about it; you're not alone; when it happens to me I always make sure to apologise, try to explain why (no excuses, just explanation) and reassure them how much I love them and how bad I feel and give lots of hugs and affection; (2) having been a child with a very angry, shouty parent, what hurts most is that there was never any reflection from the parent, never an apology and explanation and hug; THAT's what hurts, not the shouting itself, because without those things the parent is just scary and you don't feel loved.

The concept or forgiveness or seeking to see if forgiveness can be given must be there in a high functioning civilized society.

I think this is one where you need to 'pay it forward' . You can't go back in time to change what has happened but you can help your children) when it's their turn (or someone else) both practically and just to let them know it is hard xx

Please don’t beat yourself up OP. Sleep deprivation is a horrible thing and majority of us have been there. You also could have had PND which wasn’t diagnosed. I had 3 under 5 at one point and I was like a drill sergeant keeping all 3 in some kind of routine and order! Honestly they went to bed at 6pm! It’s not done them any harm and i feel like I was pretty strict with them! I still am to a point and all 3 are teenagers now and know where to tow the line. I also had crippling anxiety and wouldn’t let anyone else touch or pick up my babies out of fear something awful would happen to them. Again they are well rounded individuals now so this didn’t have a lasting effect on them. I’m sure there is always something we would change if we could go back but essentially as long as you are doing what you can now, then that’s all your children (or anyone else) can ask of you!

I sympathise. I have just completely lost it with my 9 year old DS! You may have had postnatal depression? Be kind to yourself and forgive yourself . Move on in a positive way.

When we have our children we’re not given a handbook and it’s a learning curve . Don’t be so hard on yourself just enjoy the time with them moving forward. I think your very brave to put this post x

Reading this message has made me think of my own actions and how upset I got with my baby when he wouldn’t sleep. I would never swear at him or really shout but I’d get so wound up and fed up and I’d resent my husband for not helping either (we’re now newly divorced). Don’t beat yourself up, put it right now, I totally can relate x

Apologies if I am repeating something said a dozen times, I only have a 10minute break so have read entire thread.

Sleep deprivation is literally used as a form of torture. It causes mass amounts of stress.
You could have had pnd or you could have just been overwhelmingly tired and stressed.

Don't focus on the few memories where you lost your temper. If your children are happy and well adjusted then you have obviously made them feel loved and secure!
My monkeys are 21 months apart and generallly on the good end of the sleep spectrum, but still had some nights where my stress levels were through the roof!
Don't let mummy guilt ruin your good memories from that age.

Hey! Don’t be so hard on yourself!! We all do things we are not proud of and we regret.. I am like this too. Just give them so much love now and attention and forgive yourself - it’s a hard gig. Being a mum...

@pennypinch it clearly effected you