To not be able to forgive myself for the way I treated my babies?

[Notmyusual80]

They're 11 and 7 now but when I think back to how I was when they were babies, I absolutely despise myself. Having young babies turned me into someone I didn't recognise- so angry, a control freak, completely and utterly obsessed with sleep.

To be clear, I never did and never would hurt them. But my god I used to shout a lot. And lose my temper. When they were tiny. My first was an absolute angel of a baby, so easy. But I didn't know that at the time as I had nothing to compare her to. I had a really hard few months getting her into a sleep routine and I'd lose my rag if she wouldn't go to sleep/ had unexpected night wakings. I was so obsessed with the knock on effect it would have if sleep didn't go just right. The poor little thing was and still is such a good girl.

I thought I'd be better with my 2nd but he was more hard work than my DD and I think that made things worse because I thought I'd know it all the 2nd time around and it would be easy. I frequently lost my temper with him. What an awful thing to admit. And I'd snap at my sweet DD who was a toddler as I was wound up. One time, the baby had been unwell with tonsillitis but was almost fully over it. He kept waking one night but rather than thinking he might still be feeling poorly and therefore being sympathetic, I got cross with him and was swearing and huffing. It was almost like I felt he was doing it on purpose?!!! My mum reminded me of it the other day and said she wanted to shake me at the time. Another time, I'd had a few really bad nights and the baby woke in the night and when i went to settle him, i realised he'd pooed and I said something like "great, you've pooed,course you have you dirty little xxxxxxx". My DH had a real go at me and rightly so - I apologised straight away. I feel so awful and ashamed admitting to all this.

I clearly remember when my second was a baby feeling really angry a lot of the time, where my whole body would be clenched and I'd be almost shaking. What the hell was wrong with me? I must say, I wasn't like this all the time - just when sleep was going badly and I was feeling anxious about it. I completely love and adore my children and I did and do show them a lot of love.

The thing is, there was so much about the baby years I absolutely loved - playing with them, taking them to baby groups, watching them interact with other babies and toys, just feeling like I had these little sidekicks with me. I'd give anything to go back and be the mum I should have been. It completely haunts me and I pray they don't remember any of it.

I spoke to a friend the other day who has just had her second (3 weeks ago) and she just sounded so thrilled and kept saying she can't believe how happy she feels. She was expecting it to be awful because her 1st was really hard work but this baby is really easy and she just feels so happy. I voucher cried remembering what a snappy, stressed, nasty cow I was at that stage with my two.

I'm scared to post this as I expect a lot of people will think I sound like an absolute monster. But i just need to know if anyone has had a similar experience at all and if so, how they've learned to live with it?

I think the other important thing to remember is that babies communicate by putting feelings into you (projection) - this is because they can't yet name a feeling nor can they communicate it to you in words!

Anyone who has been around a small baby knows the strong anxiety produced when the little baby screams - it can make a whole bus full of adults feel desperate.

Likewise when a little baby coos and giggles and does a funny thing - it's powerful enough to make a whole room of adults filled with joy and warmth.

Spending time with babies is an emotional rollercoaster!

Particularly if you didn't get a lot of help to learn to understand and contain your own emotions when you were small, it can be very hard to manage at times and you can feel completely persecuted by your baby.

Ohh op I think sometimes they catch you

God I remember snapping at my toddler and swearing at him. I feel ashamed even writing it. I did it in front of DH. I’ve never done it before or since, I don’t know what it was, I think it had been a “mum, mum, mum” day maybe combined with awful PMT. And I swore (I can’t even write what I said I feel that awful about it).

Too many posts to reply to individually but thank you all.

The PP who said she thought she couldn't possibly have PND because she bonded so well and loved them so much - yes, to this! I adored my babies, despite what I've described here and there were lots of moments of absolute joy with them. So it would never in a million years have occurred to me that I could have been suffering with any kind of PND, as I understood it.

I do want to reiterate that I had plenty of support from my DH and family. They were amazing. But I think they too didn't recognise that the way I was behaving could've been a 'thing' or a condition or anything like that - the same as I didn't.

Also, I've not quite followed the breastfeeding comments on here but I BF'd both exclusively for the first few months and I think that says nothing about how 'good' a mother I was (or not). What I would say is that because I couldn't express (it would take hours to express one feed) and didn't really think to mix feed, it did mean that I was with my babies 24/7 for those first months. Which in hindsight, probably didn't help. Although it doesn't explain why I was still so snappy when they were a few months older and on bottles and I was able to leave them with someone else. Although things definitely gradually got better the older they got.

@Buddytheelf85 Many women don’t breastfeed and are therefore imperfect. But they are nonetheless brilliant mothers. In the same way, OP struggled with PND at one point in time. It made her an imperfect mother at that time. She sounds like she’s an excellent mother now.

No one is perfect, no one thing is perfect. Not breastfeeding does not make a woman imperfect. Are you trying to be inflammatory. Anyone mother aiming for perfection is going to be perpetually disappointed in herself.

I hope you make peace with this OP, PND is horrendous

Women who don’t exclusively breastfeed are crap parents. No offence.”

@Buddytheelf85
I am assuming your being sarcastic and channeling your inner fast show character because you cannot truly be serious or judgemental AND offensive.

Me too 🥰
It was so hard and relentless. We looked back at baby pictures and videos the other day and I was able to see it, finally, with rose tinted glasses. I love my children but I could never put myself or my family through having another baby.

My daughters is almost two, and I've never shouted at her in anger. I'm nowhere near a perfect mum, though. Neither are you and neither is anyone else on this thread. It doesn't exist. I still lie awake at night thinking I've wronged my daughter.

The point is, PND, and other mental health issues (i have many and I'm currently on a shit tonne of medication) will give you reasons to hate yourself, no matter what you do or how you parent your child.

There's no manual on this, and no one has the exact same experience as the next.

You recognise that your behaviour should have been improved, so you improved it. Now that is the sign of a good parent.

Learn to let it go. You can't change the past

@SuperAlly

I wonder how many of the perfect parents making the nasty comments you’ve received on here are also among the 1% of women who exclusively breastfed for six months. Seems statistically unlikely. I wonder whether they’d take kindly to the suggestion that their parenting clearly wasn’t so perfect, then

I’m not criticising women who don’t breastfeed, by the way

Lol what the fuck?!

“Women who don’t exclusively breastfeed are crap parents. No offence.”

Don't stir it up. Buddy didn't sau that. You've cropped the post.

Nobody should be making nasty comments, it’s so pointless and unhelpful. What purpose does it serve to shame someone who already feels wretched, push them over the edge? What’s best for her and her DC is the mum she is now who got through that time and whom her DC love.

The poster who brought up breastfeeding stirred it up. Have you ever seen a BF thread go well? It was beyond stupid to even think to bring it into a thread like this. 'Oh, you didn't shout at your babies? Ah, but did you breastfeed them?' Completely disregarding that BF isn't considered best by many mums, because circumstances.

We’ve all been there❤️

My daughter resists sleep and it makes me so cross! Not at her, just at the fact I know she’s tired and will soon verge into overtired territory and it’s so frustrating! The other day I noticed how clenched my jaw was when I was trying to settle her and struggling! Don’t beat yourself up about it

Gobbycop I suggest you read the remainder of that post plus my others on this thread for context.

I was paraphrasing a poster who said just that. I certainly do not think that (proud formula feeder here)

I formula fed my first after 6 weeks due to severe PND and she hasn’t turned out to be any different from my others that I was able to exclusively BF. A non suicidal mother was what I thought was best and I’d do the same again but probably sooner now I’m not laden with shame with regards to that decision

Oh you imperfect mother you

@SuperAlly

Oh you imperfect mother you

We’re everywhere

I don't think we acknowledge how difficult being a mum can be at times. It's so damn hard. Then throw all the other stuff going on, the mental load, wife work, bringing money in...women should run the world, we run everything else.

All you can do now is look back and think yes it was tough, but you still have two beautiful children now who are happy and healthy. There isn't one parent on this planet who doesn't think they could have handled something differently. Move forward.

There isn't one parent on this planet who doesn't think they could have handled something differently - exactly so. Well said.

Except in the case of out-and-out cruelty or neglect, the fact is that children have to learn to deal with imperfection - their own and that of everyone around them. It is a fact of life. As parents we do our best - we can do no more.

OP the point is you were there for them. In the example where you swore at baby for doing a poo, you were also physically looking after him, you changed him and settled him. A 'monster' wouldn't have cared enough to go near him and he could have been left in his dirt all night. What do you think registers more with a baby - cross voice or hands that safely carry him, clean him, restore him to comfort? Even at your 'worst' you still gave him all that care and comfort.
My parents said all kinds of things in anger to us, as well as smacking etc, the armchair psychologists would faint in horror. But we knew they loved us more than anything else, we had wonderful childhoods and remain close to them as adults. You talk about how much you loved doing stuff with them and having littlw side kicks, of course they would have absorbed that feeling of care and love from you.

@FalldereedilIdo what you said about "hands that safely carried him" - that's made me well up a bit.... thank you. X

@FalldereedilIdo, what a lovely post. So very true.

Everyone's good at different things OP. I never shouted or lost my temper much and was always patient with the kids at night or over things like pooing or weeing in the bed, but I was never very interested in playing with them as babies and feel I was very distracted a lot of the time when both of them were very small. I still feel I could give them both more attention. No parent is going to get 100% things right. You did the best you could at the time. Learn from the mistakes you feel you made back then, and use them to focus on being the best parent you can be now. You can't change the past but you can use it to influence the future.

A lot of parents must live with feelings like this, I know I do too. However, I don't think you are the beholder of forgiveness in this situation. It is not up to you even to judge whether there is something to forgive. Don't let this eat you away, try to own it and absorb it. That shouting person was you, but so is the person questioning and regretting it. And so is the person being there for her children and caring and nurturing. What happens if you forgive yourself for the past and these things happen again? Will you then plead again with yourself for another forgiveness and get consumed by the guilt? Better to own up to the triggers that made you behave in ways you aren't happy about and make them a familiar part of you that you can live with and learn to handle. You are on a great path, accept and embrace the challenges it has on the way.

I wasn't sure what to vote as YABU for beating yourself up - we all lose patience sometimes, none of us are saints. It sounds like you had PND.

YANBU for losing patience or for self reflecting afterwards, just don't beat yourself up endlessly, no good will come of it. Just use that awareness to be the best parent you can be now.