To not be able to forgive myself for the way I treated my babies?

[Notmyusual80]

They're 11 and 7 now but when I think back to how I was when they were babies, I absolutely despise myself. Having young babies turned me into someone I didn't recognise- so angry, a control freak, completely and utterly obsessed with sleep.

To be clear, I never did and never would hurt them. But my god I used to shout a lot. And lose my temper. When they were tiny. My first was an absolute angel of a baby, so easy. But I didn't know that at the time as I had nothing to compare her to. I had a really hard few months getting her into a sleep routine and I'd lose my rag if she wouldn't go to sleep/ had unexpected night wakings. I was so obsessed with the knock on effect it would have if sleep didn't go just right. The poor little thing was and still is such a good girl.

I thought I'd be better with my 2nd but he was more hard work than my DD and I think that made things worse because I thought I'd know it all the 2nd time around and it would be easy. I frequently lost my temper with him. What an awful thing to admit. And I'd snap at my sweet DD who was a toddler as I was wound up. One time, the baby had been unwell with tonsillitis but was almost fully over it. He kept waking one night but rather than thinking he might still be feeling poorly and therefore being sympathetic, I got cross with him and was swearing and huffing. It was almost like I felt he was doing it on purpose?!!! My mum reminded me of it the other day and said she wanted to shake me at the time. Another time, I'd had a few really bad nights and the baby woke in the night and when i went to settle him, i realised he'd pooed and I said something like "great, you've pooed,course you have you dirty little xxxxxxx". My DH had a real go at me and rightly so - I apologised straight away. I feel so awful and ashamed admitting to all this.

I clearly remember when my second was a baby feeling really angry a lot of the time, where my whole body would be clenched and I'd be almost shaking. What the hell was wrong with me? I must say, I wasn't like this all the time - just when sleep was going badly and I was feeling anxious about it. I completely love and adore my children and I did and do show them a lot of love.

The thing is, there was so much about the baby years I absolutely loved - playing with them, taking them to baby groups, watching them interact with other babies and toys, just feeling like I had these little sidekicks with me. I'd give anything to go back and be the mum I should have been. It completely haunts me and I pray they don't remember any of it.

I spoke to a friend the other day who has just had her second (3 weeks ago) and she just sounded so thrilled and kept saying she can't believe how happy she feels. She was expecting it to be awful because her 1st was really hard work but this baby is really easy and she just feels so happy. I voucher cried remembering what a snappy, stressed, nasty cow I was at that stage with my two.

I'm scared to post this as I expect a lot of people will think I sound like an absolute monster. But i just need to know if anyone has had a similar experience at all and if so, how they've learned to live with it?

I know we have talked over PM but seriously, don’t read the nasty comments on here. I honestly don’t know any mother who has t cursed at their baby/toddler in the night when they’ve woken up for the 305th time and all you so desperately want is to sleep and have some time off. I was a much better mother to my 2nd, 3rd and 4th child as babies than I was to my 1st, but my situation was totally different and I was happier. But what I do know is that I did my absolute best with the resources I had each time.

Babies are bloody hard work. I think having a baby is actually rather traumatic. Please make peace with yourself. You’re children won’t have remembered any of it x

Reading all your comments makes me think more education needs to be done with expectant mums. I was told all about PND and what to look out for - feeling sad, low, tearful, depressed. But I'd never heard about feelings like the ones I had - although according to this thread, it's very common - so I thought I was just an awful person.

Thank you again @Redbrickwall xx

@SuperAlly and @goldielockdown2

Sorry I pressed send too son - I also meant to say that ‘imperfect’ doesn’t mean ‘crap’. It is possible - and in fact pretty common - to be both an imperfect parent and an excellent parent. Or a parent who was imperfect at one point in their parenting journey but is now a great parent.

Many women don’t breastfeed and are therefore imperfect. But they are nonetheless brilliant mothers. In the same way, OP struggled with PND at one point in time. It made her an imperfect mother at that time. She sounds like she’s an excellent mother now.

Omg how fucking rude to the poster who compared shouting and screaming at a baby being as bad as not breastfeeding? How utterly offensive. I didn't breastfeed and yet can guarantee my baby was always loved, cared for and I never ever swore or shouted at them. Do fuck off.

@Kittykat93

It hurts, doesn’t it, when someone else criticises your parenting?

Now how do you think the OP, who was clearly suffering from PND, feels about the posts telling her she should never have become a mother?

@Notmyusual80 honestly, it faded away as soon as I got better. I didn’t even raise it as a main symptom I just thought my anger was a failing on my part. I had a CPN, my PND was pretty terrible, I was suicidal at times and yet I couldn’t talk about the sheer anger I felt all the time. Then I got better and did some research and realised it’s a hugely common experience for those that have PND and no one talks about it. I am not angry now, really at all, unless tired or hungry, you know the usual triggers 😂 but this was like nothing else. I wish more people knew it was a symptom.

YABU not to forgive yourself - small babies, and small babies along with toddlers is tough. But kids are resilient - it doesn't sound like you were neglecting them or that you never did kind, loving nurturing things with them, and that latter stuff will mean so much more to them.

I've lost my rag at times, OP, mine are 8 and 4. I just got cross about Christmas decorations (situation did involve broken glass 😬).

I do think that sleep advice for babies is shockingly bad. I co-slept with both of mine and it facilitated breastfeeding and meant we all got sleep. My four year old is still in with me every night. I wish this was the norm, we'd all have much happier babies and more chilled out parents.

I remember banging one of mine down in the cot (I didnt hurt her) and going and standing outside the house while she screamed and screamed and screamed.

Sleep was and is my biggest trigger and it sounds to me like you were the same. Please don't beat yourself up you sound lovely.

Think of it this way - if you were truly a monster you wouldn't feel bad would you.

I've done this, this is me some days. My little one is 13 months old. I love him more than anything but there is something about getting up every few hours for months on end that makes you a little crazy. You don't sound like a horrible mum you sound like a normal one. Your kids will know they are loved xx

Many women don’t breastfeed and are therefore imperfect

There are many reasons I consider myself an imperfect parent.

My choice to formula feed is certainly not one of them.

Don't be so hard on yourself. No harm done.
Just focus on being a good parent now.

Sleep deprivation is brutal. It affects some more than others and some babies will cause more of it than others.

I know it's been said already, but it is a recognised form of torture in all other situations. There are many studies of the effect short-, medium- and long-term sleep deprivation had on the human body and mind and they are astonishing. Irritability, short-temper and inability to reason properly are among the most common symptoms and are the absolute least of it. For example, it can also lead to severe depression and acute psychosis.

For some reason, this is all hand-waved away when it applies to new mothers on the basis that "it's always been this way", "you just have to get on with it" or the idea that it somehow shouldn't affect mother's in the same way it does every other human being. If it does it's pathologised or treated as some moral failing in her part rather than an absolutely normal human response.

If you don't have the 'village' support to allow you to get some hours of sleep during the day or part of the evening or similar, that sleep deprivation and its effects are going to build and build.

Which is a long way of saying that OF COURSE lots of new, sleep-deprived parents get irrationally cross when their sleep is disturbed for the umpteenth time in a row and OF COURSE they feel bad about it once they're better treated and in their right mind again. It's good and right to try to build in plans and coping strategies in advance so that your children don't get the brunt of that and I'd encourage everyone to try to do that, but the occasional strop in the middle of the night is not something to self-flaggelate about years down the line.

Anyone who thinks frustration borne of sleeplessness makes you a monster is spectacularly misinformed about sleep from a scientific perspective and/or is lucky enough to have had either a decent amount of support while their own children were young or a genetic predisposition to be more tolerant of less sleep in the short- to medium-term.

@Notmyusual80

You are right, there is definitely more education needed about PND.

I had rage as a symptom of PND after my first baby, for about 8 months. I was short tempered, angry and destructive. But because I loved him so ferociously, bonded with him immediately and didn’t feel classically depressed, I thought I couldn’t possibly have PND, I must just be an absolutely terrible human being. I didn’t know that rage was associated with PND and in particular to extreme sleep deprivation. So I didn’t tell my HV/GP and my partner and family didn’t know what to do so did nothing.

I can relate to your feelings of guilt. Posts on rupture and repair are spot on. It’s not ok to loose your temper like that but it happens and we have to move on and repair it because we can’t go back and change it.

If therapy is available to you it might be worth a go. I found it helpful.

It sounds quite a common thing to me OP. Nobody is perfect, no matter how much they say they are. I used to get unbelievably pissed off with my DD when she was small, but I was sleep deprived and irritable. I would never do anything to hurt her, but I was far from a perfect mother who was happy all of the time. Don't be so hard on yourself.

@camelscrossingthedesert

I don’t think you’re nasty at all. But I am concerned at how many people are wanting to say child abuse is normal.

We aren't telling her it's normal or justifying her behaviour. She isn't justifying her behaviour. We are reminding her she isn't alone as not to kick her when she's down.

Wonderful post from PartyAPartyB

I think there is a lot of stigma attached to being a perfect mum. We get conditioned to think that we should immediately love our babies and thoroughly enjoy every second of motherhood, but reality is very different for some people. I loved my DD when she was born, but not in that heart-shattering way with every ounce of my being. It was a gradual thing, but that doesn't make me a terrible mum. Its so very hard at times, and there's nothing to be ashamed of for finding it difficult.

You are not a monster OP. Sleep deprivation and PND is a brutal combination- you need to forgive yourself and recognise that you did the best you could at that moment in time.

I think quite a few posters have said it is normal and justified it.

Just one example:
You don't sound like a horrible mum you sound like a normal one.

I don't think shouting at an ill baby is normal or right. But I also do think the OP was under supported and that sleep deprivation is awful. I think both things can be true.

@HazelWong

I think quite a few posters have said it is normal and justified it.

Just one example:
You don't sound like a horrible mum you sound like a normal one.

I don't think shouting at an ill baby is normal or right. But I also do think the OP was under supported and that sleep deprivation is awful. I think both things can be true.

There is a difference between justifying it and supporting by saying they have been there too.

“Women who don’t exclusively breastfeed are crap parents. No offence.”

Dickhead comment of the thread goes to you 😂

I agree with you, @HazelWong. It's important to normalise the negative emotions that can come up surrounding motherhood and normalise seeking support, but let's not normalise this behaviour. It's not OK, and we shouldn't try and justify it - but we can offer OP and any other mums reading support for their feelings so it doesn't get bad like this again.

I was never an angry person but since having babies I've discovered it does exist in me and is ugly. It's calming down now they are 6 and 3.. which is good as this is when they'll remember. Babies and toddlers are hard work and sleep deprivation is a killer. Don't be hard on yourself.