Discussion on inheritance - is it sometimes ok to give children different amounts.

[Whattheactual20201]

Was talking to parents the other day and then DB
We are a family of 3 siblings, I am the youngest at 28 then the eldest is 36.
I have 2 children soon to be 3, my own house with a very small mortgage and not much left to pay. We survive and have luxuries. I do have savings
DB who is a few years older has 1 child but they are trying for number 2 and has a house with an affordable mortgage and a great income.
Eldest is DS who has one child and one on the way. She has always worked as hard as us but does earn a lot less and rents has no savings and lives a bit more day to day than we do.

My parents have always told us the grandkids will have their own “ pot “ which will be equal.

However us as their children will get different amounts due to circumstances.
They would want to leave the house to sister
With w smaller cash inheritance
Then a bigger cash inheritance to me and DB ( it wouldn’t be as much as what the house is worth by any stretch )

I am ok with this and see their point in a way however DB feels a bit hurt they would leave the house to only one of us ?

I am a homeowner with a decent job and a final salary pension. I have no need to own half a house hundreds of miles away.

My DB has only ever had minimum wage jobs, and lives with my dad because he can't afford to rent let alone buy a home of his own. He very much needs a whole house.

I wish my dad would leave the house to just my DB but I know he won't because would think it was unfair. People pointing out that circumstances can change make a good point. If my DB and I are still in the same situations when my dad dies, I would very much like to just give him my half of the house. I have no idea how easy this would be to do though, or what it would involve. I should probably investigate.

I have been on the receiving end of this and it is devastating.
Equal.
The irony being I would have tried to redress the balance in my own good time.

@RichardMarxisinnocent

I am a homeowner with a decent job and a final salary pension. I have no need to own half a house hundreds of miles away.

My DB has only ever had minimum wage jobs, and lives with my dad because he can't afford to rent let alone buy a home of his own. He very much needs a whole house.

I wish my dad would leave the house to just my DB but I know he won't because would think it was unfair. People pointing out that circumstances can change make a good point. If my DB and I are still in the same situations when my dad dies, I would very much like to just give him my half of the house. I have no idea how easy this would be to do though, or what it would involve. I should probably investigate.

You can do a deed of variation at the time if that’s what you want to do.

I had to do that when my so-called father died and left me a share of his house despite me being very clear I wanted nothing from the scumbag.

The simplest way to sort it was a DOV splitting my share between my siblings

Inheritances should be equal

That is not true and that is precisely why we have Wills. A Will enables the deceased to pass property on their death in accordance with their wishes as they will no longer be able to control it the moment they die.

A beneficiary can then do what they wish when assets have vested from the executors which is after all debts and taxes have been paid. That beneficiary may or may not make a gratuity on their part alone, eg if they think a sibling has had a poorer outcome. It is also possible, subject to conditions being met, for some gifts to be treated as if the Will has been rewritten.

It is up to the owner of assets to decide how they pass on their death and people are different. Some may prefer assets to be equalised based on outcomes and some to be shared out equally regardless of outcomes, but in practice there is a heck of a lot outcomes in between. There is no 'should' or 'right to assets' save in certain situations such as dependents which does not sound relevant in OP's family case.

It's a difficult one depending on the situation. My brother got a farm (which also includes our family home - a very big house but quite old so will need some work to modernise it), I got a piece of land to build a house on, and my sister inherited a small bungalow on the farm (my grandparents house). My brother is getting by far the best deal, but we are ok with that because we don't want to farm the land and he does. My parents also helped me a lot financially over the years when I got myself into debt while starting my business. We definitely didn't get "equal" amounts - but I think we all got what was best suited to our needs and there is no bitterness or resentment anywhere. It might have worked out different if two siblings had wanted the farm and family home, but luckily that didn't happen.

I’d like to say it should be equal.
However I think it’s entirely dependent on the family.

My brother is given a lot of money, monthly/regularly and they always bail him out (obviously their choice!) and I never ask or imply for anything.
If my parents had say £100k I could guarantee about £30k would be spent on my brother over the years. So maybe I’m pretty but I would expect him to get less!

Always split equally unless someone has disabilities

It's not as if the house is not the only asset and two of you are getting nothing.
I think it's reasonable for you parents to consider who needs the money most - it's perfectly understandable that they want to see you all settled and with secure homes, rather than one left in an unsecure rental and another who doesn't really need it have cash to stash away in savings.
Your brother is being grabby and entitled not to understand this - particularly when your parents have taken laudable steps to have what presumably was a difficult conversation with each of you.
From what you say, it doesn't sound as if your sisters circumstances are the result of being a gambling addict/throwing it all away on drink/drugs partying.

In theory, children should inherit equally.

However it is very nice to know that you are not questioning your parents' intentions and do please try to suggest that your brother adopts the same attitude. Your parents mean well, it isn't that they love your sister more than either of you, it is just that they perceive her need is greater.

Encourage a more generous spirit in your brother.

It's lovely that all the grandchildren will inherit something.

Anyway, we hope all this will happen a long time in the future by which time all your circumstances may have changed and your parents could change their wills.

The hoarding of money does seem linked to anxiety. The more you have, the more you need to keep...just in case. There’s no way, in our family’s case, that amount of money could be spent on health or nursing home care. At least not unless they move to the US. And there’s a mortgage free home to sell if needed on top.

Sadly Covid restricts the ability to enjoy life and spend the money anyway. And increases anxiety.

ImMoana

Your brother probably feels like he is a victim of his own success.

Yes, he's effectively penalised for doing well in life.

You get £50k cash.

Your sister gets a HOUSE.

He gets ?????

You might think it's fair, but it is a sore subject. I am by no means well-off, but DP and I went to uni, have professional careers and bought a house. SIL and BIL work min wage jobs which they love, had 4 DC from their early 20s and are having a jolly good time renting. DP's parents help BIL & SIL out constantly because they're poor and have DC they have never considered the future, nor the consequences of their actions, just chased their dreams and popped out babies because they know the safety net is there so there's no motivation to get a better paid job etc. They get things like a new fridge-freezer for Christmas from PILs and we get a box of chocolates and wine because we can look after ourselves. To be clear, we don't WANT appliances for Christmas, but the disparity is hard to swallow and it feels like we're being punished for making sensible life choices. It smarts even more that we're having fertility issues now that we ARE financially stable and older.

Your parents risk alienating your brother from his sisters with this.

It is no one's business except your parents how they decide to split their assets. All you can really do is let them know that whatever they choose and decide you will repect their decision. It has no baring on your relationship with either sibling.

Just make sure your.mum is looked after first....she may not want his money but has she provided herself accommodation, living expenses and enough money to cover any care she might need in the future? (If she has surplus she can give it away after she goes).

I think it should be equal unless there’s something like a lifelong disability

Your parents will hopefully live for many more years, yours and your siblings situations may reverse. If they’re still able to, of course they can change their will. But if they lose capacity they won’t be able to.

And of course, they may end up with not much to leave any of you if they end up having to pay for care.

I think it’s easier for you to just say ok as you have already had 50k.

Your sister is going to get the most left to her.

Your brother hasn’t had anything like the amount you have had and he’s expected to get less after just because he’s done well in life.

I don’t really think that’s fair.

Your sister is getting a house plus cash.

Your parents will split the remaining cash equally between you and your brother - but you've had a substantial financial gift already.

It's quite clear who your parents favour, and that there is a pecking order, and I feel incredibly sorry for your DB. He must feel really hurt.

By the way absolutely no one begrudged there 50k I got.
I have absolutely no issue with it coming out inheritance either.
However I don’t think either of my siblings or parents would request it but maybe I should suggest it.

If your parents are worried about one of their children, it would be better to offer help now. It can be discussed & negotiated.

To leave a will divided unequally is really not the way to do it - too much potential for misunderstanding. Anything could change in any of you and your siblings' circumstances - your well-off DB could become ill long term & unable to work; your less well-off DSis could win the lottery. And so on ...

I'm the higher earning sibling.

Inheritance should be equal. Both of my siblings have made life choices that limit their earning potential.

Why should I be penalised because they choose the "easy" option.

My DF died recently. Inheritance was equal.

My DSis got a cash advance to help her buy a place a few years ago (the only one of her friends to do so) and that has been taken into account in the will.

My brother got one of the cars. The value of that is coming out of his share.

I’m in the situation where I’m divorced and have 3 DSes but DS2 has ASD. The oldest has a degree and is in a really good job, the youngest is at university. DS2 is unemployed and applying for jobs but having no luck. DS1 and 3 know that DS2 will get more from any inheritance from me, simply because he’ll never be able to earn enough for himself to buy a house. I’m thinking 50:25:25 if I have anything to leave. DS2 will always live with me until I need care, as he wouldn’t be able to manage that, but I think he’ll be able to look after himself fairly well, with the other DSes keeping a weather eye on him.

My own parents left money equally between the 3 of us, and that seemed entirely reasonable, despite differences in our incomes. I was nominally the poorest, being left with my 3 DSes and a single parent in my mid forties, but only a few years before I’d been the best off with a H in a well paid job. Circumstances can change, but DS2’s ASD is lifelong and won’t miraculously get better.

The cash won’t be equal amounts
My dsis would get less cash inheritance I will offer my 50k back out of Inheritance.

It wasn’t favouritism in the slightest it the situation had been either if my siblings and their grandchild who was extremely sick ( 14 months in hospital ) they would have done the same in a heart beat.
My siblings both know that.

I think it should be split equally really .However while I do understand that not all children will reach the same place in life .It does seem that you and DB are working in what I would imagine are hard stressful jobs, while she is simply cruising along? Apologies if that sounded unfair.

@IceCreamAndCandyfloss

Equal is the only fair way. Adult children will make different choices regarding jobs, children etc so one shouldn’t get more as they chose a different path.

Exactly, if they've had the same opportunities then leave everything equally to siblings, grandchildren can be given a part of their parent's share, especially if the number of grandchildren varies wildly between siblings.

The problem is that if the money is eaten up in care but the house is still left to her then your sister would get that and you and db would get nothing. It might not bother you but it seems it will bother db. Also it could be 20 years before your sister has secure housing when presumably she would benefit from it now.

If your DM is happy to move I would suggest that she move somewhere more manageable. Money is given to dsis for a deposit and then her rent money can be diverted into mortgage. The disparity (your 50k, her house deposit) is addressed in your mother's will with db getting more then assuming the proverbial bus hasn't tracked him down first.

Fair doesn't mean equal.

Another one who thinks equal unless there is a disability. Or unless one child has already been given some inheritance upfront