Discussion on inheritance - is it sometimes ok to give children different amounts.

[Whattheactual20201]

Was talking to parents the other day and then DB
We are a family of 3 siblings, I am the youngest at 28 then the eldest is 36.
I have 2 children soon to be 3, my own house with a very small mortgage and not much left to pay. We survive and have luxuries. I do have savings
DB who is a few years older has 1 child but they are trying for number 2 and has a house with an affordable mortgage and a great income.
Eldest is DS who has one child and one on the way. She has always worked as hard as us but does earn a lot less and rents has no savings and lives a bit more day to day than we do.

My parents have always told us the grandkids will have their own “ pot “ which will be equal.

However us as their children will get different amounts due to circumstances.
They would want to leave the house to sister
With w smaller cash inheritance
Then a bigger cash inheritance to me and DB ( it wouldn’t be as much as what the house is worth by any stretch )

I am ok with this and see their point in a way however DB feels a bit hurt they would leave the house to only one of us ?

The huge problem with inheritance is that it becomes a proxy for the love of parents once they are gone. Only families that are very secure in their relationships can cope with an unequal division. It’s not about the fairness of distributing material goods it is the message it seems to send if you are a grieving child. Practical parents often seem oblivious to this and need it pointed out to them.

It's irrelevant how much your sister earns. You all chose different paths and if you are from a normal family, by definition you all have been given the same opportunities.

It's rather rare one child is sent to a top private school with unlimited access to all the clubs and travel whilst the other child is stuck in the awful local comprehensive and banned from any opportunity!

The thing is, she hasnt worked less hard than you has presumably has same opportunities you have had but has chosen to earn less. You are all adults, I don't think your parents need to even up adults life choices.

@Whattheactual20201

It should also be said that I am also the only child so far who has had a substantial money gift from parents so maybe that’s why I see different from DB.

So your parents have given you a substantial amount of money, are planning to give dsis their house, what has dh had? Surely he should then get your part of the inheritance to make it totally fair then? If you're going on your theory that you agree that sis getting the house is fair.

Only families that are very secure in their relationships can cope with an unequal division.

I don't see how you can have a healthy relationship when you don't treat your children equally.

Db* sorry.

The problem we have is the wills were changed 5 years ago to make sure that only one person gained. He was made executor and took them to the solicitor. It’s very sad. Manipulation and can’t even get a look at the old will, had to pay online to government to see this one. I think it’s important people have discussions and make their wishes known, even if it’s an awkward conversation

Nobody is entitled to anything. It's up to the person leaving the will where they want their money to go and how it's distributed. If that means different amounts to different siblings, so what 🤷‍♀️ not your money, not your business. People need to reign their expectations in.

Different in household incomes ( if we include partners incomes in this as a household as well is )

Is about 100k a year difference between DB and sister.

And about 80k difference a year between us.

Isn't this all a bit moot, as if your parents are in good health it's likely at least one of them will probably live for another 20-30 years. By which time your sister might be in a totally different financial position.

Unless they're going to update it according to everyone's financial situation later, it seems fairest to make it equal.

I would say it’s probably fair. I get that you should really leave equal amounts but as a parent I’d find it hard to see one of mine struggling compare to the others through no fault of their own (would be different if they were lazy etc) and not try to find some way to make it more equal.

I think unless there is disability or a reason for it then things should be equal

Life choices should affect inheritance. Life circumstances can sometimes

@peboh I have absolutely no issue with them taking out the money I received previously from my inheritance.
They gave me 50k to help keep my house a float when DS2 required a heart transplant and I had to take substantial leave from work. I have absolutely no issue with them removing that from my inheritance.

@BertieBotts unfortunately my dad is not in good health and my mother doesn’t want his money.

@ElizaDeee

Nobody is entitled to anything. It's up to the person leaving the will where they want their money to go and how it's distributed. If that means different amounts to different siblings, so what 🤷‍♀️ not your money, not your business. People need to reign their expectations in.

obviously

but as it shows what your parents think of you, can you not see how hurtful it would be when one sibling gets more?

It's not an expectation about amounts, parents can spend it all on the cruise of a lifetime if they want, it's about treating your children equally - or making it clear you have a favourite.

As a parent, I cannot understand how you would do that.

I’d always do it equally- a family friend’s Mum died a few years ago- and left him her house. His sister got money but it was less than the house’s value. This was a complete shock for them both- he had just been through a divorce and suspects his DM did it to give him security.

It’s totally destroyed his relationship with his sister unfortunately- she wants nothing to do with him, even though he’s offered to give her the ‘difference’. She must be very hurt and angry.

I think that's fair that she gets the house when you both already have one. Usually I think it's not right but if you say she's worked just as hard as you and you're both getting more cash and her the asset I think it works.

Sorry to hear about your Dad's life limiting illness OP.
Maybe some legal advice around the best way forward would be appropriate in the first instance before making a final decision?

When DM died, she left the house equally to all three of us. DSis and I then sold our shares to DB, and he was able to use his share as his effective deposit. It worked well for all of us, though if that was doable for your DSis would probably depend on house prices in your parents area.

Unless it's under exceptional circumstances like one child disowned their parent whilst they were living then I think inheritance should be split equally.

Siblings should inherit equal amounts. No question. My sons/grandchildren will get the same.

One is better off than the other but no one's fault or lack of effort. And circumstances and situations could change either way for either of them.

Of course you can be magnanimous about it because you’ve benefited from financial support already. I can understand why your DB is hurt... he’s penalised by having his shit together and standing on his own two feet.

@Whattheactual20201

It should also be said that I am also the only child so far who has had a substantial money gift from parents so maybe that’s why I see different from DB.

I think that changes things totally. It means your brother is the only one missing out and you’re ok with it. It needs to be fair and your gift taken into account.

It’s difficult when things aren’t split equally. My uncle had no kids so chose to leave his money with 5% to each of his 8 nephews and nieces and 60% to my mum & dad. In fairness my mum & dad had done a huge amount for him (including having him live with them for months at a time on several occasions when he was out of hospital/infirm over the past 10 years). Some of the family couldn’t have done that because they live far away and others just didn’t do it even though they were really no less able to. While he was alive my parents suggested multiple times that it might be fairer to split the money evenly and tried always to persuade him to give some of it away while he was alive so he could enjoy hearing what everyone did with it but he wouldn’t budge. My dad cut their share down to 40% and allocated an extra 20% between all the nephews and nieces by doing something to alter the terms of the will. My mum feels a quite bad about not splitting it evenly but my dad just said that realistically had they not stepped in to care for him at various points the chances are he’d have spent the majority of the last 10 years in a home and there would have been a lot less money to inherit so in the end all the nephews and nieces are all still better off and they are also sticking broadly with the spirit of what his brother wanted. It’s caused a bit of resentment but I think in the end most of the family are relatively ok with it since none of them really need or were counting on the money.

*Inheritance should be equal. No ifs no buts.

It’s wrong to favour one child over another.*

I disagree.

I have a elderly family member who has two adult children.
One lives abroad, and has done for 40 years. Has come back to the UK twice in that time, sends his mother no birthday cards, no christmas cards, the occasonal phone call.

The other child has stayed close all that time ( no other extended family) makes sure his mother is included in all family events, spends time with grandchildren, never spends christmas alone, takes her to doctors appointments, visits several times a week, does shopping and is a lifeline.

Child 2 who l has stayed close for decades will inherit 90% of his mother's estate.
I think that is pretty fair.