Discussion on inheritance - is it sometimes ok to give children different amounts.

[Whattheactual20201]

Was talking to parents the other day and then DB
We are a family of 3 siblings, I am the youngest at 28 then the eldest is 36.
I have 2 children soon to be 3, my own house with a very small mortgage and not much left to pay. We survive and have luxuries. I do have savings
DB who is a few years older has 1 child but they are trying for number 2 and has a house with an affordable mortgage and a great income.
Eldest is DS who has one child and one on the way. She has always worked as hard as us but does earn a lot less and rents has no savings and lives a bit more day to day than we do.

My parents have always told us the grandkids will have their own “ pot “ which will be equal.

However us as their children will get different amounts due to circumstances.
They would want to leave the house to sister
With w smaller cash inheritance
Then a bigger cash inheritance to me and DB ( it wouldn’t be as much as what the house is worth by any stretch )

I am ok with this and see their point in a way however DB feels a bit hurt they would leave the house to only one of us ?

It should be an equal split.

I have stated that I have absolutely no problem with the “ gift “ being removed from my Inheritance. I am very thankful for my parents help thankfully neither of my siblings had been in the position of nearly losing their DC and home at the same time.
I would in a heart beat not expert any inheritance it wouldn’t bother me in the slightest. They are the sole reason my family are still together and forever thankful for them.

In my family there is a massive disparity of wealth between my mum and her two brothers. One brother is really well off, one is on benefits, my mum is in between.

My grandma (their mum) left her house and savings (not a huge amount but certainly a nice windfall) split evenly between them. I'm not saying that's the right thing to do - I don't know what I'd do. But I know a lot of people feel strongly that it's the only fair way.

All that said that’s just an uncle and it’s still caused some friction. Imagine it’s much worse when it’s parents not splitting evenly between children

I think your parents are trying to be fair. Fair doesn't necessarily mean equal.
They gave you extra financial and practical help when you needed it, presumably because of your DD. They now feel that your sister needs extra help because, despite all her hardworking, she is not in a good financial position and they are concerned for her. They don't feel that your brother needs extra help. They are being mature and open about this, discussing it with all of you in advance so no nasty surprises. It would be far more problematic if this was only discovered at the time of death.

I think it’s completely up to your parents, the only thing I think would be wrong is if one of the children really needed help and the parents could help but decided not to.

Very, very, very difficult. I can see it from all points of view but can also see it looks like favouritism and could leave a bad taste in the mouth.

I think your parents are trying to balance out all of your lifestyles. Some of you may have been more fortunate in your life choices, some of you may have had an injection of luck or a sudden shock of bad luck. My worry would be that by doing it the way your parents intend they are not taking account any of your situations changing. What if one of the more financially stable siblings suddenly became financially unstable through a bad business deal or ill health? What if the sibling that was renting suddenly won on the premium bonds lifting them into a fantastic situation where they could buy an amazing house? Anything could happen to anyone at any point, which is why I would still portion the inheritance equally with the exception of one of the siblings being a millionaire or similar. Then I would talk to them separately and ask for their permission to split the inheritance between the two less fortunate siblings and would hope they would be happy to say yes.

@rumandbiscuits

Unless it's under exceptional circumstances like one child disowned their parent whilst they were living then I think inheritance should be split equally.

You know, as a parent I think you'd still be at least partly to blame, and it's your responsibility to make a gesture, so I am not sure I would left any of my kids away.

Once your parent are dead, that's it, so including them with their siblings would mean they'll know we still consider them as part of the family. Better for their mental health in the long run.

You are not U to be discussing it as its good to plan for IHT issues. But inheritances should be equal and not compensate some children for their poor life choices.

Former PIL were quite irresponsible - they stayed in their 6 bedroom house until it was beyond practical for them to manage. During their lengthy retirement (late fifties early retirement packages and 2 decent sized inheritances) they lived a life of luxury, buying 2 holiday homes, multiple cars and motorhomes and having luxury holidays and cruises each year. Money on gardeners and cleaners for their big house. Nothing to their 3 children and no IHT planning. Former MIL died and PIL immediately decided he couldn't manage on his own, so moved into a care home and the entire lot is being used up to pay his care home fees. Obviously, it would have made sense to downsize into a smaller house earlier as leaving it when they went for months at a time to one of their holiday homes caused them a lot of stress. Its also a shame for their kids, as their grandfather and uncle who left the parents money wanted their grandchildren to get a share of it and trusted PIL to do that, but they got nothing as they spent it on themselves.

Your brother probably feels like he is a victim of his own success.

I’m in the split it equally camp but then I’ve been stung by a sister who sticks her hand out at every opportunity so I may not be completely unbiased.

I'm sorry your DF is so unwell.
As a veteran of several inheritance situations, my suggestion would be
a - he leaves everything to your DM to ensure she is comfortably provided for in the future, then she can
b - leave everyting to the three of you, split equally, minus your gift that you have already received
Grandchildren do not come in to it - what if you decide to have another three before they inherit? Why should a sibling family receive more or less depending on how many DCs they have? The parents/siblings can pass on directly if they can afford to at the time, surely. And if they cannot afford to, then the cash is used for family benefit anyway.
The only choice is if you go straight to b or not. IMHO.

Then I would talk to them separately and ask for their permission to split the inheritance between the two less fortunate siblings and would hope they would be happy to say yes.

how unfair to put them on the spot. Of course they'll think they have to say yes but you would basically punish them for being more successful.
And the business can collapse, they can have heath problems, accidents.

It's really unfair to treat your kids differently because of their financial situation.

It should be equal in my view. Circumstances change and the siblings doing “better” now may not be same as in the future. The poorer sibling could get an amazing job, win the lottery, meet a rich partner etc etc
Not worth the fall out between siblings and the cousins imo.

If DS had been fucking about and frittering money away on drink and drugs then I'd agree with your brother. But you've said she works just as hard as you two but has had different cards handed to her by life. I think its nice that they're giving her a home and you'll both get larger cash amounts so I think it's fair even if the total value you've all received is different. It may be her only opportunity to own a home, you two dont need it.

You don’t know what’s around the corner. You may have the rosier-looking life now, but unemployment, illness, etc could change that in an instant (not wishing this on you).

Equal definantly.

I think giving a higher amount of money in the will or to help out as you received, or a substantial contribution to a house deposit is one thing (you got 50k when you needed it, say your sister needed 60k to get a mortgage), but receiving an entire house is another thing entirely, and presumably if it was split equally 3 ways would still leave your sister with a comfortable amount of money.

As a couple with three children in their 30s, we have always tried to treat them all equally. Growing up, two went to uni and one lived at home for much longer. We supported the two at uni while the third lived at home cheaply. The third is now married with a home of his own while the other two only rent. All have a good work ethic but have chosen their paths in life. When the youngest got married we contributed to the wedding but gave the older two an equal amount to invest for their futures.

We continue to help all of them out on occasions because we can afford to and it gives us pleasure but none expect it or ask for it. There is no jealously.

We have recently received inheritance from both sides of the family, not huge amounts but we intend splitting most of it between our children. Pointless at our age just hanging onto it when the next generation could benefit. We will also update our will soon and leave the house and anything else between the three. What they do with it is up to them. If they decide to give any to any forthcoming children, their decision. At least we will have treated each of them fairly and their relationships will not suffer.

I don’t think it is possible to constantly try to ‘even things out’ in life. Our youngest started an apprenticeship at 16 while the older two went to uni. The youngest has been lucky to now be on a much higher wage than the others but they all made their own choices so none of them has cause to complain, not that they do. Just my opinion.

I don’t agree with this at all. Peoples circumstances can change. You never know in however many years time one sibling who didn’t get much could be made redundant (or something equally financially troubling) but sibling who got the house gets a massive pay increase, comes into some money somehow. What then?! It should be equal IMO!

It is shocking how greedy people can be with inheritance.
I'd say ''Divide equally'', being given a house is a huge gift!

Usually it is the house that is worth all the money.

I have seen people fritter and waste inheritances on 'silly' things {Brand new cars that depreciate the minute they are driven off the forecourt} Flying across the World Business class, just a way to rinse through money very fast indeed.
But maybe I'm too frugal.
A bloke I know of earns £8.5 million a year, and makes his wife purchase Tesco Value bleach out of frugal living.
It will be interesting to see where his money goes!

Your sister now knows that if she just bides her time she'll get the dream house with no effort while you and bro get nothing in comparison despite working your arses off.

@AlexisIsMySpiritAnimal

But the OP says her sister has always worked as hard as her siblings, she just has built a career in a sector that doesn't pay as much. I don't know if she has specified further but you can imagine someone working in the health/education services compared with IT/financial sector, for example. She hasn't sat back waiting for financial help and there's no indication that she now will. We all say we value lower paid workers for the contribution they make - OP's parents putting their money where their mouths are!

FWIW, I do think treating children differently with money/inheritance is loaded with problems. But equally, if you are relying on the death of a close relative to generate money, you have a whole different bunch of problems.

Why can’t your parents help your sister now? That way she buys a house and enjoys an easier life when her kids are young. The cash earns more invested in property than bank savings. And she may need it less when older.

Then it’s equal inheritance.

It seems greedy of your brother to be high earning and comfortable but wants even more.

We have SEN kids and asked for help for them, the wealthy grandparent declined because it would mean giving the other sibling the same, at the same time. However the sibling has told them they don’t need it, they had a big cash gift from in laws and high incomes and less kids. I’d feel the same the other way around and want them to help out a sibling.

Wealthy grandparent inherited money they didn’t need. They kept the money in the bank for 20 plus years, losing value and not making any lives better. That seems a waste. They didn’t spend it on themselves to make their lives better which is such a shame.

I like everything to be equal, regardless of different circumstances but I think you need to honour your parents wishes.

I can see the sense it trying to leave money or property according to need. I think the most important thing is to make sure that each child does not feel that the amount they receive is connected to the amount they were loved.

If any feeling of favouritism can be avoided, then it seems sensible to want one sibling to have a house they could never otherwise afford. I also think it was a good idea to tell you all this now, rather than it being a shock afterwards. It seems to me that nobody is being rejected here, and the parents are trying to do a very loving thing in helping their least wealthy child. This may well be her only chance to own her own home.

I agree with equal. It sounds like your sister could be in a position to have her own house, she's just made choices that means she hasn't. Plus none of us know what might happen in the future. You or DB could have an illness which reduces your earning potential; you could split from partners etc.

If your parents want to help your sister get their own house, I'm surprised they haven't (say) offered her a substantial deposit in a similar way that they did for you when you were struggling. That would seem to be much fairer (with of course the view that they would help DB similarly if he needed specific help at any point).

I think it should be equally split too. It's not your or your brother's fault that your sister chose a less lucrative career path. Who knows, in the interim period, she could have a dramatic career surge and earn more than either of you!