If you pour yourself a glass of wine, must you also pour one for every adult in the house?

[ElephantsAlltheWayDown]

Genuinely curious. My husband and I don't see eye to eye on this. I think if I'm cooking (it's almost always while I'm cooking) and I fancy a glass of wine, and no other adults are in the room, I should just pour myself one and drink it. DH thinks this is the height of bad manners, and to be truly civilised one must hunt down every other adult in the house, inquire whether they too would like a glass of wine, and fetch them one if so.

I think this is ridiculous, and if it were enshrined in law I would rather forego the wine than have to traipse around asking other people if they too want a glass and then delivering it. Of course if someone was in the room with me I would absolutely offer them a glass.

If it matters, neither of us are big drinkers. The bottle in question tonight had been half empty for over a week, so it's not like we both share an evening glass at the same time every night and I was breaking some tradition (in contrast to coffee -- we always take turns bringing each other a morning cup). He just thinks it's plain weird and bad manners that I'll pour a glass without offering him one.

YABU: Not offering wine? Absolutely vulgar.
YANBU: Wtf is this weird idea

I think some kind of megaphone announcement would be best in this situation OP. Particularly if your DH is standing next to you!

If by “every other adult in the house” you mean one and it’s your other half of sways offer him a drink and he’d offer me one if he was cooking. More accurately I’d pour us both a glass and he’d pick it up if he was passing through the kitchen. If you have a whole host of other adults, I’d expect one of them to be helping me in the kitchen and they’d be on drinks duty.

It’s really not a hardship to pour another glass for my DH.

If we open a bottle of wine it always gets shared out. Usually it is just DH and me, but when DD is home we always offer her some.

With wine I think the rule is this.
If you ask 'would you like one' at a normal volume and they hear you and say yes, then you should pour them one.
If they're too far away to hear you ask at a normal volume then they're too far away to be considered in the pouring process

Funny one because thinking about it I wouldn’t get a drink for myself without offering my DH one - but don’t ask all 3 DC if they want one and also don’t expect DC to make me a drink of any sort (but do expect DH to offer a coffee or wine if he makes these) so it’s not necessarily rude I don’t think if it’s not expected across the board.

Don't know if you are exaggerating,sounds like you have a big house full of people all in separate rooms,in that case yanbu.However,if it is just your dh in the next room,then tabu

@YellowPostItPad

Do you not like your partner? If not - fair dos. If you love him - why would you not see if he wants some wine? It would be the kind thing to do.

I'm pretty relieved my husband and I aren't this needlessly kind to each other.

We do lots of nice things for each other without acting like bloody butlers. There happens to be more to our relationship than menial acts of service we're well able to do for ourselves.

If you're cooking the HE should be getting you a drink, not the other way round.

As we live in a small flat. I generally shout do you want wine if I'm having one. I wouldn't go and look for any other adults. Presumably if they want a drink they would pour one.

Hell no nobody drinks my wine ,seriously though unless I'm hosting my family are perfectly capable of deciding they want a drink or not and if I want a glass of wine I get myself one .

I always ask if DP wants one however we do live in a flat so it's hardly a big house to traipse around and I wouldn't be bothered if he didn't ask me if it was the other way around.

Five adults in a big house- hell no.
No one can hear even if I try to shout from the kitchen to the living room..I'm not hunting everyone down to ask if they want a glass of wine.
Besides if everyone says yes there won;t be enough for me to have a second glass.

@UniversalHadIt

YABU to drink wine that’s been open for over a week! Surely not delicious?!

Wine that has been open for over a week? Sorry, I've never come across that before.

Why isn’t he helping you to cook? He should be pouring you the wine. CF

If I was in the kitchen and my husband was elsewhere in the house no way would I offer him drink if I was pouring myself one. I'm cooking.

If I boil the kettle, I’ll offer a hot drink. If I open a bottle of wine, I’ll offer my DP a glass. Glass of water, probably not.

If I lived in a house that so big that I would have to ‘ hunt down’ others, I probably wouldn’t offer any beverages at all!

I always offer. It feels like a communal kick start to the evening / weekend. After all, ‘Darling, Babe, Term of Endearment of Choice, I’m pouring a glass - fancy one?’ is not exactly taxing.

@speakout

Five adults in a big house- hell no. No one can hear even if I try to shout from the kitchen to the living room..I'm not hunting everyone down to ask if they want a glass of wine. Besides if everyone says yes there won;t be enough for me to have a second glass.

Buy more wine.

The bottle in question tonight had been half empty for over a week probably no better than vinegar, then.

No way in hell would I track down my husband to ask if he wanted a glass of wine while I'm cooking. He knows where its at and neither his arms nor legs are broken.
If we were all hanging out in the same room and I was getting myself something I would offer

I would probably call up the stairs 'opening wine in the kitchen if you want some' but would not be going up and down stairs offering/serving. YANBU it's not a big deal.

I would yell up the stairs (or send a WhatsApp if shouting would wake a sleeping child) that wine is being served in the kitchen for them as wants it. Any adult who can't be arsed to come to the kitchen to fetch a glass doesn't really want any wine.

I’d offer. Also btw red wine lasts 5 days max and white & rose three days in the fridge once open. Offering wine that has been open ‘more than a week’ has potentially explosive consequences for anyone who has it!

My mum would just bring me a glass of wine rather than waste time asking. Why don’t you pour two glasses and then if/when your DH comes into the kitchen, his is there ready as you can claim you were just about to go and find him and take it to him? If he doesn’t come in, then you get a second glass.

This is utter genius.

Thank you all for your fair and balanced input. Reading the responses reminds me that not everyone has a husband quite like mine -- while I'm cooking he's generally ensconced in his mancave, headphones on, on the other end of the house. Simply calling out "hey, wine!" is pointless. Obviously if he were within earshot it would be a totally different story.

If I'm honest though I do feel a little prickly about it. Like a lot of people I barely get to sit down until dinnertime and being told I also need to deliver drinks in order to "be civilised" gives me a small amount of rage.

On the other hand I probably am a bit uncivilised. I think people who are going about their day and not being social at that particular moment should make their own drinks and get their own snacks. I make a million cups of coffee for myself a day and the idea that I should be checking every. single. time. whether DH wants one (he doesn't, this is in response to some of the comments on this thread) is just... no.

Also covid. It's one thing if you only see your partner before or after work, but now that a lot of us are working from home every day, the number of possible cuppas and snacks that must be offered is extraordinary.

Also I've shared this with DH and he's rather disappointed that only 18% of you agree with him.

After all, ‘Darling, Babe, Term of Endearment of Choice, I’m pouring a glass - fancy one?’ is not exactly taxing.

Well it is if it involves me leaving whatever I was stirring, going up two flights of stairs, listening at the door to see if he is in the middle of delivering some kind of presentation I don't really want to pop in to, then asking him, then coming down those 2 flights of stairs, pouring the wine, taking it back up, and coming down again. Obviously by which point whatever I was stirring would have stuck to the pan / dried up / burnt / gone off in some other way.

@YellowPostItPad - that post is ridiculous.

As I said previously. obviously if we are together, and one gets a drink, they offer the others, but we are not so intertwined that one of us falls to pieces if the other one has a brew / glass of wine when they aren't around / involved in doing what the drink maker or pourer is doing.
In same room / close proximity - of course you offer
Doing separate things / out of earshot - no, not necessarily