To be frustrated at people that think I'm too young to be TTC..

[vimtooo]

Hello,

So my partner and I have been together for 8 years. I'm 23 (almost 24) and my partner is 26.
We are engaged, own our own home without a mortgage (we are extremely lucky) and are always on time with our bills.
We both work full time.

Anyway. I ask this, because I've been told by a close family friend that we are way too young and irresponsible to be trying to have a baby, when we are just 'babies' ourselves.

This comment has really upset me. I don't feel as though we are too young or immature at all. We pay our own way for everything we have, we work hard and save hard and this is something we have waited for, until it felt like the right time.
Our wedding was called off due to COVID-19 and this is something we both want.. 💓

Maybe I'm being unreasonable, but I don't feel like this is the wrong decision for us.

I had my babies in my early twenties. Both pregnancies were extremely easy compared to what I hear from other school mums, who are all at least a decade older than me. I bounced back and got my figure back within a few months without trying.
Downside and lots of them

• inexperience! Lots of people felt comfortable telling me what to do as they are older. I guess respectability of motherhood comes with age?
• seeing same aged friends partying hard while I am stuck at home breastfeeding. Instead of 5am after party I am dying of lack of sleep with sore breasts and bleeding nipples. I did feel like I was missing out.
• some friends made huge career advancement while I was stuck at home raising infants. children’s needs trumps your career. You won’t be able to pull late nights to finish a project or jump on the train/flight at a moments notice because you won’t be able to sort childcare in time. It’s hugely frustrating.
• husband has to pull the weight in financial security and that will put you in a vulnerable position.
• difficult to find a mother my age in playgroups. Couldn’t find much in common as I didn’t suffer from any of the pains and my relationship with my husband was nothing like theirs. School mums were much easier to get on with, as the shared experience is less about bodily pains but more about children development, which puts me on a level playing field.
• catty remarks from older mums as I seem to have it sooooo easy for being younger. I still get the “you are still young, you will be fine” comment from well meaning older friends today.
• gradual disconnect from my good old friends. there is only so much funny poopy nappy stories I could share. And I genuinely didn’t have the energy to entertain “do you think he fancies me?” Conversations.

Now I am the baby guru though 😂

Ultimately, if you can afford to not to have a career early on, be financially secure even if the marriage breaks down, have a robust friends network to lean on, good childcare system, then go for it! Babies and kids are such fun. Having them earlier means you can enjoy them for longer and you will have so much more in common with them when they are teenagers because you will still be in your thirties!

what's the rush? why delay?
why not wait until you are married? their wedding has been cancelled due to covid
go on a few holidays and explore the world first you will see from their posts they've done this

By today’s standards you are young

By the standards of millennia gone by you are the perfect age.

Honestly, you are financially secure, in a stable relationship. I’m struggling to see why you wouldn’t TTC

@Trickyboy

I would be pretty horrified if my girls had babies before 30 but I'm not you OP (probably closer in age to your family member who is equally upset at the idea ) I do think it's a generational thing. My mother married at 21 and had my brother at 22 and myself and younger brother at 24 and 26. This is because it was expected that being a 'wife and mother' was a 'good' and 'expected' career choice for a woman in the late 50s early 60s ..and working outside the home definitely looked down on as a working class 'need' . Due to women's fight for equality - I think social beliefs have now turned to the opposite opinions. I am NOT saying this is a correct opinion but it's definitely something looked down on where I live (- affluent , rural south-east..) with having children young regarded as something young twenties do when they haven't got a 'worthwhile career' . (Subtext , didn't go to Uni and not very bright) . Of more than fifty young twenties I can think of (friends of DC 18-25yrs) I can think of not one who has had a child yet .

If you do decide to go for it. Depending where you live , be prepared for some very condescending behaviour towards young parenthood..

Meanwhile DO NOT get married if the mortgage was paid off with YOUR inheritance... and DO NOT EVEN THINK about TTC before you are married if it were paid off with his. Just look on here at the threads from women promised marriage that never appeared once a baby was already here .

I don’t think your views are widespread. I think your views are a product of your surroundings. As you pointed out, it’s not the norm where you live and there is a stigma attached to it - hence you don’t want your DC to fall pregnant before 30.

I think that view is extreme though. I could understand before 25, but the average age for a first baby is 29 anyway so still younger that what would be acceptable to you? I think 25-30 is a perfectly acceptable age to have children.

It’s ok saying wait until your over 30, but if they want more than one child things may become tricky. As it’s well documented, once you hit 35, fertility rate starts to drop.

These days women are putting their career over having children and then decide in their late 30’s to try, only to find getting pregnant isn’t as easy as they’d hoped.

I don't think it is too young... my mums generation, a women who was 24 and pregnant was considered a 'geriatric pregnancy' it's only in the last 20 odd years thats it's become the norm to be in your 30s and pregnant,

You sound sensible and grown up enough, sound like you know what you want, so go for it. I would advise that if you decide to be a sahm mum or sacrifice your career that you get married beforehand to ensure you are financially protected

It's a cultural norm in the west to have children later, is all. In Asia, you would be right on track. In China, women have babies early to mid 20s, so grandparents are still young and able to act as childcare.

Having children early has many benefits. You have lots of energy. Able to return to a career relatively early.

Women's bodies are made to reproduce at your age. Not in their 40s.

Hi op you sound great. There is a lot of judgement on this thread, which sounds a lot like jealousy or projection of insecurity. Biologically you are a perfect age, you sound financially and emotionally more mature then most 30 Yr olds. All this nonsense about travelling, it's not like you can go anywhere at the moment anyway!
We had our first dc in our 20s and 2nd at 30 and have done plenty of bucket list travelling with our dcs. We are now in our 40s with teenagers and enjoying being relatively young parents. We are still together (having met as teenagers) despite what the naysayers said when we married at 25. In future just don't tell people what your planning because it just invites these judgements. Whatever you do, dont discuss your baby's name before it's born that really is a can of worms 😉

it's only in the last 20 odd years thats it's become the norm to be in your 30s and pregnant,

Is that true? Certainly women had their first child much earlier but women historically had more children. My granny & her sisters were still having children in their late 30s/early 40s.

Surely before the 1970s & contraceptives & feminism advance maternal age for subsequent children was normal?

I was 22 and TTC and had our daughter when I was 23 and my now husband was 29. I think my hormones just kicked in knowing that he was the one and I always wanted to settle down and be a mum. I'm now 26 married with a 3 year old DD and a 6 month old DS. I'm so happy and wouldn't change a thing although sometimes I do think I should have waited a few years and done more travelling or appreciated what it was like to have a whole weekend to myself or just 10 mins lol! Goodluck! X

Thanks all.
As I said, not going into any further details of my
Home, how we got it, holidays etc. I've said a few times now that we have worked extremely hard, but this seems to get dismissed by most people thinking we 'won the lotto' meaning we have no sense of reality. I can confirm that is far from the truth

Someone commented that I was too young when I was pregnant with my first baby aged 26. I was the first of my friends to have a baby, and the person who made the comment was 10 years older, male and hadn't yet met anyone he wanted to have children with. This comment was made many years ago, but I still remember it as I was so taken aback.

If you're ready for a baby, you're ready, but I would suggest getting married first.

OP, you have been together a long time, you are in a good position financially and you want to be a parent. Go for it! You will still be relatively young when the kid/kids are old enough to fend for themselves.

The only thing I would say (from someone who is pregnant and had my wedding postponed because of Covid and has a 2yo) is that your wedding and honeymoon won’t be the relaxed carefree affair you might have imagined unless you wait a good few years so the child is older and less dependent on you. I will be breastfeeding and dealing with a clingy toddler on my wedding day if it goes ahead next year and we won’t be able to leave the baby in order to have a honeymoon. However I am late 30s so I didn’t want to take any chances with my fertility so it is worth it to us.

Good luck with TTC, sounds like you will be a fab mum.

OP you sound lovely, at the very least you've demonstrated on this thread that you have capacity for extreme patience and ability to take the high ground which will come in handy as a parent

My view is that you often only really value the pre-children freedom when you don't have it any more. I envy those who have it at times, but when it was me it was just...life.

As an aside the general ideal life projected on mumsnet always seems to be thus: you graduate (naturally), probably follow with a gap year and move to London. You spend your 20s climbing the corporate career ladder, all while partying, going on exotic holidays, having a few exciting affairs (but not too many). You turn 30, become an adult, instantly meet The One and then have a couple of kids by 35. You're a bit knackered but are able to look back fondly and without regret at all the lie ins, trips to the cinema and Maldives holidays you had in your 20s.

Reality? No one had this much control over their life. There are lots of paths we can take and all can lead to happiness. Including having a baby when you are 24.

I was 20 when I had my son. He was planned. I honestly thought I was with the love of my life and everything would be lovely. You won’t listen as you only want confirmation but having a child is a hard slog in ways you would never even think of. I ended up a single parent and am a totally different person to who I was age 20 when I thought I was secure.

I don’t regret my son, but my god, I wish I had him later

Its your choice when you ttc.

I'd like to offer some advice though. I had my first child at 30. In the time from meeting mh dh (23) we travelled, had a social life and many other things that become hugely limited to you once you have a baby.

I understand you're in a great position financially and seem to have a stable, mature lifestyle, so a baby may well seem the next logical step. However, I would never have given up the 7 years of life with my dh to conceive earlier if anyone had asked me.

When you have a baby life as you know it completely changes. You're no longer able to do what you want when you want.

Personally I believe its really important to live a life before having a baby. But everyone thinks differently, and your choice is your own

I've said a few times now that we have worked extremely hard, but this seems to get dismissed by most people thinking we 'won the lotto' meaning we have no sense of reality. I can confirm that is far from the truth

I think the lotto thing just makes more sense to posters because most people don't earn 6 figures (without uni?) at such a young age in order to be mortgage free.

I can’t believe the amount of people who are saying you haven’t lived your life enough yet etc. The fact you’ve been with your DP for so long and already had so many happy years together surely makes a difference. If you were starting a family with someone you only met this year then yes, it would probably be advisable to wait and spend more time just the two of you first. You’re financially stable, you’ve had loads of fun with your DP already, what’s the issue?

It isvery young today but a colleague I worked with 4 decades ago was considered a "geriatric mother" when she had her first baby at 27. My parents were older than most of my friends' and they had me at 24 and 26.

Personally I think if you are "ready" young it's the right time. There are lots of sensible (mostly financial) reasons to delay but younger is better in so many ways. You will be younger and fitter while raising your children and you'll be younger and fitter as GPs. You'll have more life "back" after DC are grown up too.

It really concerns me that if my DC have their children as late as I did, those children are unlikely to benefit from involved GPs, which have added so much to my DCs' life, as they did to mine.

@laxxy

I've said a few times now that we have worked extremely hard, but this seems to get dismissed by most people thinking we 'won the lotto' meaning we have no sense of reality. I can confirm that is far from the truth

I think the lotto thing just makes more sense to posters because most people don't earn 6 figures (without uni?) at such a young age in order to be mortgage free.

* Mortgage wise we have worked hard and put almost everything we earned combined, into our mortgage, this wasn't done by us alone of course - but a good chunk of it was. The rest, we came into some money and decided as oppose to going out, that would pay the house off so that we don't have this to worry about going forward, and always have somewhere to call home xx*

I've said a few times now that we have worked extremely hard

Can you not see though how repeating this over and over rubs people up the wrong way? You've been out of school about 6 years. Plenty work "hard" and can barely scrape a deposit after 10 years of low-paid manual labour or nursing or supermarket night shifts.

This is what I had said further down the thread

@hammeringinmyhead apologies that it rubs people up the wrong way. Everyone is different.
I've explained a couple of times now and people don't seem to listen.

@hammeringinmyhead

I've said a few times now that we have worked extremely hard

Can you not see though how repeating this over and over rubs people up the wrong way? You've been out of school about 6 years. Plenty work "hard" and can barely scrape a deposit after 10 years of low-paid manual labour or nursing or supermarket night shifts.

Yep me and my partner and plenty people I know work our fucking arsese off and have only just got a mortgage. It makes you sound very privileged.

Really you are asking the wrong crowd tbh.
However, my DD is 23 and 4 months pregnant. Been with her dp since teen years. Rents a place.
My reaction is good. It's right for her and her partner. She's very much a get on with your life kinda girl. I had kids at 27,29 and 39.
It's really important to know your own mind. From this thread you will find that others share your relatives view, because you asked them. But don't worry about what others think now your curiousity is satisfied. It's for you to live your life, may it be long and happy.