To be frustrated at people that think I'm too young to be TTC..

[vimtooo]

Hello,

So my partner and I have been together for 8 years. I'm 23 (almost 24) and my partner is 26.
We are engaged, own our own home without a mortgage (we are extremely lucky) and are always on time with our bills.
We both work full time.

Anyway. I ask this, because I've been told by a close family friend that we are way too young and irresponsible to be trying to have a baby, when we are just 'babies' ourselves.

This comment has really upset me. I don't feel as though we are too young or immature at all. We pay our own way for everything we have, we work hard and save hard and this is something we have waited for, until it felt like the right time.
Our wedding was called off due to COVID-19 and this is something we both want.. 💓

Maybe I'm being unreasonable, but I don't feel like this is the wrong decision for us.

It's up to you but surely you can think of something more interesting to do with you're 20s?

Wow. Having children isn't uninteresting for everyone. Having children has, for me, been inspiring, exhausting, frustrating, monotonous, hilarious, life-affirming, love-filled, energising and pretty good fun. Particularly given she has a stable relationship and plenty of money, it's likely that the experience won't be all doom and gloom for OP, either.

@janetmendoza A lot of London/SE mums on mumsnet. it is quite hard to have a baby young in those areas! Average FTB is 33 for a start.

So your wedding was called off so you're want a baby instead?

If you have no mortgage, I presume that you haven't both worked, saved and paid it off, rather you have both benefited from financial support and be that inheritance or wealthy family gifts? Managing to survive when not got the biggest outgoing of accommodation costs is easy.

I know plenty of mums that young. Many will readily admit years later, that at this age they weren't the best parent they could be in comparison to when they were even just a 3 to 5 years older.

Fwiw, my sisters and sils had their babies at around 25. All but one had some resentments of what they had to "give up" and unrealistic expectations of what life would be like. One sil still has not really managed to acclimatise and mature, putting the children first. And that's 8 years later.

Had my first at 24, was a perfect time for my own circumstances. Young enough to run around after them, and still young enough in the future if there are any grandchildren to see them grow up hopefully.

Had my youngest at 34. Bleugh. Big difference.

Who gives a hoot. I met my husband in college and married him at 18. We have been together 15 years and have 5 children. Had our first at 20, second at 26, 3rd at 28, 4th at 30 and now I'm expecting our 5th. It's all down to glorious God.

You do what makes you happy.

@janetmendoza

Mean age to give birth to a first child in uk is 28. So those guys were presumably ttc the year before at 27. Or even younger. OP go for it if you want- its not unusual at all to be pregnant at 24 or 25. On mumsnet it is unusual though, god knows why.

I think it varies so much in the country.

I'm from North where it's normal to have children in early 20s but live in London where at 29 I was the youngest person I knew by a big margin. Average ftm around me is about 38. Huge cultural difference. I'm constantly made to feel very young and asked if I'm my son's nanny!

Some of us in life don't care for holidays, having the fastest car, fancy house etc. It depends what you enjoy in life I suppose. Having children young shows you are not taking fertility for granted. You don't get a second shot at life. We have to just embrace it and grab the bull by the horns, so to speak. Unfortunately not all couples meet their partners early enough to start a family this young (my own parents) and wish they could.

Yes, life is stressful with children at times but it's great always having company around. They do bring a lot of joy. I have four DC so it is not all that bad🤣

"It's up to you but surely you can think of something more interesting to do with you're 20s?"

Nope. Just wanted a family. Thank goodness we all have different interpretations of interesting 😉

Age doesn't factor in to how good a mother you will be, but some of the comments are likely from experience or their own thoughts. I wouldn't have wanted a child in my early 20s, and a lot of my friends who had them young do feel that they wish they had waited; but that's not to say you will. It matters that you and your partner are ready, financially secure and you're ready for the lifelong commitment of a child. And if you are then go for it!

It's young these days but was super common 30 years ago so crack on if you're both sure about it. Can still take fabulous holidays with children. We took DD1 on our trip of a lifetime and having her with us actually enriched it I would say.

Do you have parents for support with childcare if you want a weekend away or an evening out though?

I genuinely never thought of 23 being young when I had my first and never came across anyone that patronised me like I was a teenager 🤔 if anything first time mums in their late 30’s and 40’s were rarer. I’m late 30’s now and the even the thought of having a baby knackers me out 😖

I suppose these days it is considered young (20 ears ago it was common for people to be married and having babies at that age)

Clearly you're not irresponsible, but is there nothing you want to do together before having a baby? I say this because I had dc young, and with hindsight wish we had travelled more before we settled down with a baby.

I was married and on my second mortgage at 24 and honestly, when I look back I realise how young I was even though at the time I knew what I was doing.

It’s not like you’re 15. If you got pregnant at the beginning of next year you’d be 24/25? That’s only 5 or so years younger than the average. Do what you want!

@Neron

They’re jealous

Or the person OP told could see what a wonderful and privileged position OP and her partner are in, and could afford to wait a few years. They have time on their side to have a family.

Also, people know what it is like being the first to start a family within their friendship group. You only have to read some of the threads on here about those friends drifting away etc.

All this is mute anyway. Only 1 person in RL said they were too young, and they are still going ahead with TTC.

Moot.

But wait for what? Op feels ready now. They have travelled. They have a home.

Friends drift away at times. That’s life. Good ones will re-connect again later.

It would have been too young for me - DH and I met at 19 and had DS at 34.

It's your life. But it's not just about nights out and clubbing. What do you do together in your spare time? For example, we had cinema passes and used to go a few times a week. I used to get the train to a nearby city for brunch with friends. Every few weeks we would go and visit family 4 hours away and stop off somewhere for a night.

Absolutely everything becomes more difficult with a baby and anything beyond the basics of cooking and sleep can feel impossible for quite a long time. If you have such a full life now, your relative probably knows how much of that will change for a while.

@hammeringinmyhead

It would have been too young for me - DH and I met at 19 and had DS at 34.

It's your life. But it's not just about nights out and clubbing. What do you do together in your spare time? For example, we had cinema passes and used to go a few times a week. I used to get the train to a nearby city for brunch with friends. Every few weeks we would go and visit family 4 hours away and stop off somewhere for a night.

Absolutely everything becomes more difficult with a baby and anything beyond the basics of cooking and sleep can feel impossible for quite a long time. If you have such a full life now, your relative probably knows how much of that will change for a while.

Maybe it’s because they can’t do any of those things for the moment 😋

You aren’t too young what rubbish, huge benefits to having children in your twenties! I said that as someone who had mine in late 30s.
Better for you physically
Grandparents (if around) younger
You just get more freedom in you 40s than in 20s

You are more financial stable, as home owners and mortgage free, than most people ten years your senior so I don't see a problem. I had my first at twenty three and I became a granny at forty nine, all worked out great.

@Valkadin

It is young and as you are so young wait until the covid situation has improved. Assume both your names are on deeds?

I think the opposite...not many opportunities to travel and have fun now.... probably won't be anyfestivals, clubs etc for a good long while. So why not go for ttc now as you feel ready, and have a wild time in your forties/fifties instead?!

Go for it. I waited until I was 30/31 and it took me 4 years to have a baby by which point I was 'old' to have my first. We had been together years. I wish I had started younger.

What a great position to be in with the house. You sound really sensible.

Do what suits you!

Never tell anyone you are TTC. Always best in private

Don’t delay, I wish we’d been ready with good jobs etc earlier.

what's the rush?
why not wait until you are married?
go on a few holidays and explore the world first

We were 23 when we bought, 26 with dc1. Had been together since 18.

I see stuff on here loads about how we should all use our 20s to travel and party and climb the corporate ladder and anything remotely family related should wait til after 30 otherwise you've wasted your youth.

Well, it wasn't that way for me. We travelled and partied to the extent that we wanted to and were happy to "settle down" at 23 and start our family at 26. If and when the kids are up and out we will look and see what fresh adventures we fancy then. We did what we did, when we did, because we were ready.