To be frustrated at people that think I'm too young to be TTC..

[vimtooo]

Hello,

So my partner and I have been together for 8 years. I'm 23 (almost 24) and my partner is 26.
We are engaged, own our own home without a mortgage (we are extremely lucky) and are always on time with our bills.
We both work full time.

Anyway. I ask this, because I've been told by a close family friend that we are way too young and irresponsible to be trying to have a baby, when we are just 'babies' ourselves.

This comment has really upset me. I don't feel as though we are too young or immature at all. We pay our own way for everything we have, we work hard and save hard and this is something we have waited for, until it felt like the right time.
Our wedding was called off due to COVID-19 and this is something we both want.. 💓

Maybe I'm being unreasonable, but I don't feel like this is the wrong decision for us.

@vimtooo

Thanks everyone. As I say, only told the one person. They are extremely special to me and I do share everything with this person. I wouldn't want to go through this without them and have shared most of my life with them. But nobody else knows. Just her, and my DP and I. X

Are you planning on marriage?

Is everything in your lives joint? (house, savings etc?)

You are in a totally different financial position to most people your age so I don’t think you can be compared to your peer group in terms of advice. If you’re ready then go for it. I am sorry you’ve already experienced a loss. That might make some of the comments on this thread feel very raw.

The only thing I would say is that while my children bring me so much joy, they also being a lot of stress and worry. It really is relentless in the early years but I think people forget or have rose tinted glasses. Thinking of my own circs, I’m glad I didn’t have them in my 20s as I had time to be selfish and to focus on me. Since having children that time to dedicate just to me has gone but I have an underlying confidence that came from progressing my career, finding out more about me and just growing a bit more as a person.

Did you win the lotto?

Mortgage free at 23! My parents gave us 100k deposit & although that only made a small dent in our home they would have been disappointed if we had got pregnant so young Im sure.

23 & 26 is not too young, especially when you seem to have your heads screwed on.

Personally, if you were my daughter though, I would encourage you to maybe do some travelling or try new things while you can as once children come along they do restrict you. Saying that just do what you feels best for you, if that’s starting a family, go for it x

Where do you live because what persuaded me to start trying is all my friends were & we all had newborns at the same time. Not much use in having freedom back in your 40s if all your peers are still dealing with younger kids.

Why are you telling people that you’re TTC.
Is nothing private anymore.

I'm shocked at how many people have said you are too young on MN?! Not too young at all, you do what feels right for you. We left it until I was 27 to TTC, being a little cocky thinking of course we will get pregnant quickly... It took us 4 years. It was a difficult time, almost ending our marriage but finally we have a DS. We are so lucky to have him and he is absolutely worth the wait. But I believe we waited too long as clearly we are not a particularly fertile couple (unexplained infertility). So you know yourself what is right for you and if it's having a child, then that's what it should be :)

I meant DH at 20 & we have been together ever since. Didn't buy a home & marry till our late 20s though as we were pretty consumed by our careers, qualifications etc.

Stop listening to everyone else and do what you want.

This is bonkers, you're both adults. People will ALWAYS have bloody opinions, no matter what age.

I would be pretty horrified if my girls had babies before 30 but I'm not you OP (probably closer in age to your family member who is equally upset at the idea ) I do think it's a generational thing.
My mother married at 21 and had my brother at 22 and myself and younger brother at 24 and 26. This is because it was expected that being a 'wife and mother' was a 'good' and 'expected' career choice for a woman in the late 50s early 60s ..and working outside the home definitely looked down on as a working class 'need' .
Due to women's fight for equality - I think social beliefs have now turned to the opposite opinions. I am NOT saying this is a correct opinion but it's definitely something looked down on where I live (- affluent , rural south-east..) with having children young regarded as something young twenties do when they haven't got a 'worthwhile career' . (Subtext , didn't go to Uni and not very bright) . Of more than fifty young twenties I can think of (friends of DC 18-25yrs) I can think of not one who has had a child yet .

If you do decide to go for it. Depending where you live , be prepared for some very condescending behaviour towards young parenthood..

Meanwhile DO NOT get married if the mortgage was paid off with YOUR inheritance... and DO NOT EVEN THINK about TTC before you are married if it were paid off with his. Just look on here at the threads from women promised marriage that never appeared once a baby was already here .

I had my first at 23 having been with my partner for 6 yrs, it was the right time for us, like you op I wasn’t into drinking or partying, it was no loss not going out and having to pretend to enjoy myself.
We had done a bit of travelling before we had our first child and lots since but my fondest memories are of the camping holidays in Devon we did when our children were young.
Having children does mean a huge lifestyle change, but brings different joys and experiences.
By the way, we got married last year when I was 50, having been together as a couple for 33 years.

Not too young but I would get married first, there are numerous legal protections this will afford you both. You really want your partner to be your next of kin before having a baby.

Just gona add on (not like it matters) but my cousin was 26 when she has her first and only child and the whole family were shocked as they thought she was 'too old' and that she wouldn't be having children as obviously she was past the 'normal' age 😅 (this was about 12 years ago) but still!!

I think around the 25 mark is a great age to start a family. You never know how many kids you'll want or how easily you find conceiving. I used to think 30 was a good age but if you're able and willing then 20s is definitely better.

I don't understand if you are so sorted you need to ask a bunch of strangers if you should have a baby or not?

If you have lived already and are financially secure and feel it's the right time - then go for it. There is a lot to be said about having kids young. Too young for me would be when you are a teenager. At 23 I wouldn't think it was too young.

Get married first, do it soon and have the party later. Don't ever listen to anybody who tells you to put your life on hold. People can wait their lives away. If you're ready, you're ready.

Or you could find out at 30 that he's fed up of 'feeling so old' and wants to force the sale of the house so he can travel the world, go out lots, get a job somewhere else, work abroad - or set up with somebody who isn't boring encumbered by children.

That's what I would be worried about, a very early midlife crisis.

I don't get how you've managed to pay off a mortgage and travel to quite expensive places without winning the lottery or substantial family help at the age of 24 to be honest. That's a very short time to have done at least one long haul holiday a year from what you've stated, and they aren't cheap.

I would be pretty horrified if my girls had babies before 30

Why?

@vimtooo I don't think you are being unreasonable. If you were both still teens or had unstable living conditions I'd say yeah but that doesn't sounds the case

I got married at 22, had my 1st son at 23 and now pregnant with 2nd at 24.

Just concentrate on what you want and go for it. Noone knows what's around the corner. Life's for living.
I can see the advantages of being a younger parent, more energy, more of your life to spend with DC. Some older parents I know are unlikely to see their DC far beyond mid 20s if they are lucky, which I think is quite sad really.

She seems to have worked very hard from a very young age to get her finances sorted - bet that wasn’t fun

I can't believe you are seriously suggesting that, by 23, someone can had at at least 5 long haul holidays to expensive place, bought a house and paid of a good chunk of the mortgage (before the inheritance), because they "worked hard".
I know a lot of people that work hard without that sort of income.

Perhaps the point of this thread was to brag a little ?

She is probably just a bit concerned about you.
I know quite a few couples who were together from a young age...say 16-17 and often around 10+ years in one person (usually the man) thinks the grass might be greener and they settled down too soon and never got to experience playing the field a bit....or a lot of the relationships seem to be almost dead but what holds them together is that they have been together for all of their adult life so they don't know any different and are scared to split up....or what often seems to happen in the mans case is that even though he wants to play the field he doesn't want to let go of his partner either because he feels quite possessive towards her and doesn't want her to be with another man because she has always been his!!

I'm not saying that this always happens or that it would happen to you, but I know as a parent (you said she's like a mother figure to you) I would be concerned if my daughter settled down so young that this might happen to her too because I have seen it happen so many times!

Not too young at all! You’re in a far better position than most. I had my first at 19. Yes he was planned, I had a miscarriage before him too. I knew I wanted to be a mum young as I grew up with a mother who was unwell and couldn’t do as much as she’d have liked to with us. So glad I made that decision a she is now 13 with a 11 and 9 year old sister and I was diagnosed with a lifelong medical condition 3 years ago and I wouldn’t have been able to take the meds daily and have a pregnancy at the same time. Good luck and do what you both want, there is no “perfect time” to start a family.

Hi, I married at 22. We bought our london flat much later than you, last year when I was 27 and he was 29. We haven't had the party yet, I wanted it to be after we bought our flat but now it is delayed because of covid.

You know what? I desperately wanted a baby when I first got married. But unlike you, as I didn't own my home and was fresh out of university, I couldn't realistically do it. Perhaps if I owned my own property and had a well paid job, I would have done it. But i don't think it would have been right. Even now even though I own my own place, I want to wait around 6 more years to TTC so that we would have more money and resources for our baby and cos its going to be an only child, i feel we can afford to wait.

Research parenthood and the cost of full time childcare in your area. Also read up about raising and caring for a baby, prenatal care. Owning a home and being able to pay your bills doesn't necessarily mean that you are ready for parenthood, even if they are good things. You need to be able to afford childcare/have suitable family support for childcare as you shouldn't stop working as such a young age. The first option is expensive. You need to have savings to cover the period of your maternity leave. You also need to be emotionally ready to give up your life to care for your child.

Mean age to give birth to a first child in uk is 28. So those guys were presumably ttc the year before at 27. Or even younger. OP go for it if you want- its not unusual at all to be pregnant at 24 or 25. On mumsnet it is unusual though, god knows why.