To be frustrated at people that think I'm too young to be TTC..

[vimtooo]

Hello,

So my partner and I have been together for 8 years. I'm 23 (almost 24) and my partner is 26.
We are engaged, own our own home without a mortgage (we are extremely lucky) and are always on time with our bills.
We both work full time.

Anyway. I ask this, because I've been told by a close family friend that we are way too young and irresponsible to be trying to have a baby, when we are just 'babies' ourselves.

This comment has really upset me. I don't feel as though we are too young or immature at all. We pay our own way for everything we have, we work hard and save hard and this is something we have waited for, until it felt like the right time.
Our wedding was called off due to COVID-19 and this is something we both want.. 💓

Maybe I'm being unreasonable, but I don't feel like this is the wrong decision for us.

It’s not ‘too young’ because of your age per se. Of course biologically you’re not too young, and from your post you don’t sound mentally too young either. Financially you’re clearly not too young either.

It’s that you haven’t experienced all that life can offer you yet. As in, there’s so much to see, do and experience. See the world, enjoy your time and freedom for hobbies and interest, travel, cook, enjoy time as a couple, stress free, work on your career, enjoy friends, stay up late, sleep in, sing, dance and have FUN. Enjoy your independence, your money, and just thinking about yourself! There’s more to life than just getting married, buying a house & having a baby.

Try to enjoy your twenties. I was desperate to grow up and be sensible. So it’s easy for me to say in hindsight :)

Having a baby makes all of the above so much more difficult. What’s the rush?

My sister had her eldest at 24 and his sister at 26. My DM had her at 22 and me at 25 - it used to be the norm. I have a friend who had her first at 19 and second at 21. By her mid thirties the kids were pretty much independent and she was free (and young enough) to do all the things she had supposedly missed out on. I had my DD at nearly 40 - horses for courses.

I wish I'd started younger. I didn't realise I would have issues. If you're happy and secure, what's the problem?

Why are you discussing your private decisions with anyone else? That does seem a bit immature!

Go for it OP. I think a lot of people on Mumsnet seem to think that everyone wants to spend their 20's going out and getting plastered. However, like you, that didn't bother me at all. I got all of my partying done and out of the way early.
Me and my DH were in a similar position to you and paid off our first mortgage when I was just 22 due to inheritance and it was such a relief not to worry about it. We started TTC when I was 24 as we felt it was the right time for us. I didn't end up conceiving until I was 25 and by then we had sold our house and got another mortgage to add to the pressure.
If you have your family home, good secure jobs and it is something you want, then I would say now is the best time to do it. I am so happy I have had my DD now as it means I will still be young enough to run around with them and do fun activities when they are older.

@katy1213 I've said numerous times below. I have discussed trying to conceive with ONE person. Someone that has been there for me throughout my entire life. I haven't told anybody else, just my partner, this person and I know about our decision.

@12frogsincoats

I'm not sure I would advise having a baby with a man who thought dating a 15 year old at age 18 was appropriate.

really depends. I was a very, very mature for my age teenager. I started dating an 18 year old when I was 15 and dated him until I was 18. He was too immature for me. I would agree with more 15 and 18 year old but this lady sounds very mature

It is young. But each to their own.

I was 22 when I got pregnant, DC is now nearly 6 months and having him is the best decision I ever made. I was expecting a long and arduous journey to conceive (PCOS and underactive thyroid) however he was a complete unplanned surprise! It has been hard at times, and I know that I will miss out on lots that my friends are doing but also when my son is 18, I’ll only be 41! By then his dad and I will hopefully be able to go back to enjoying our city breaks and romantic holidays, without being too old and withered, and my friends kids will probably be primary school age! In addition being a young mum is amazing, you have more energy and it’s easier to adapt. However, you absolutely must do what is right for you, it is really hard being a parent, especially if like me you’re the first of your friends and it can really have an affect your mental health, especially in lockdown! Best of luck with whatever you decide, you know what is right for you both, and make sure you have a good support system around you.

You're the perfect age imo.

Kids are hard work but teenagers are exhausting.......I really couldn't have been dealing with teenagerhood in my 40s or 50s.

There's a lot of positives to having children younger. Not everything is about money.

Sorry for your loss OP
Having a baby at 24 is fine 🤷‍♀️ your e not 14.
My X actually asked me to TTC at 24 and I didn't which was good as he was later rather abusive. But that's him and this is you.
But yes I would get married to protect yourself legally and then have a big wedding at a later date.
What do you do if you don't mind me asking?

@Lazysundayafternoons

I had my first at 23. I had been with dp for 6 years at that point, we really wanted a child and we just felt there would never be a 'right time'

After ds was born I went straight back to work after mat leave and worked hard and worked for my professional qualification. I now earn 4 times the salary I did when he was born 7 years ago. I think being younger and having lots more energy really helped me to help stay on track and I dont feel like I have missed out on anything by having a child at that age. We still do all the holidays we would have done but bring him with us.

I had my second at 29 and that was much much harder.

Depends on the person. I did this in 30s and had an easy pregnancy and worked throughout in demanding job then went back early and work now doing the same. You cant predict it though can you. I think you know yourself x

OP, I have not RTFT, but you are not too young. I was 30+ when I had my DC and I really, really wish I had had them sooner. I had all these ideas about all the wonderful things I was going to do with my 20s, but in fact I did very little of any note. Far better to have children in your early 20s - you'll only be in your 40s when they are grown up, and you will have more money and more time then to do all the things you will by then want to do.

@katy1213 you’re being quite mean spirited.discussing TTC in a long term relationship is pretty routine
Doesn’t render the op emotionally incontinent to discuss her plans

You are at peak fertility age, the perfect time to get pregnant. Your body and downstairs will (most likely) spring back to their original form. Go for it!

At 50 I am enjoying relative freedom and travel having had my girls in my twenties. A bonus that didn’t occur to me at the time is that hopefully, I will get to spend a lot more time with my girls in adulthood. We are very close and DD1 and her fiancé enjoy spending time with us and vice versa. If they have children, I stand a good chance of seeing them grow up. My aunt is 80 and pissed off with Covid because her big trips have been cancelled and she can’t attend her sculpture class.
I think when people are young they sometimes think that freedom in your 40s onwards as less good than freedom in your twenties because you are “old” but that isn’t the case for me. I did the sleepless nights when I was young and resilient, and I still managed to ram in nights out and weekends with friends. Now, I’m still fit and healthy enough to do anything I fancy and I give fewer fucks about other people’s opinions, so the things I choose to do I do because I really want to, not because I think it’s what I ought to be doing or what someone else wants me to do.
There are advantages either way, but I have no regrets.

It's a bit sad that you feel you have done all the travelling and sight seeing you feel you want to do at 23. The world is an extremely big place.

I'd had 2 by that age.

@ilikebooksandplants I can understand why you may think this, but honestly. We have been to many lovely places. We aren't particularly interested in travelling in the sense of backpacking / island hopping or anything like that. We go on lovely holidays to lovely destinations and have ticked many long haul and short haul destinations and city breaks off of our bucket list. We have been fortunate to be able to do this young.. I don't want this to sound like I'm trying to show off or anything like that, I'm really not at all. I just want to say, we are really content with our life experiences so far. X

I don't think you're too young at all - there are plenty of 30-somethings less sorted than you are and no one questions them having kids. My mum had had two kids by the time she was your age!

You're not too young at all if that is what you want to do. Both me and my partner have just had our first baby at 24 and it has been the best decision of my life. There are many benefits to having babies young. I think its important to be secure, we both have good, stable jobs, a mortgage, 6 years together. It is something we both really wanted so there was no question for us. We did not tell people we were TTC and instead just told them the happy news. Do what will make you happy, if you're ready then do it, which it sounds like you are.

I was pregnant 23. Baby born when I was 24. It was the perfect age. A woman that age is perfectly mature and more than capable of being a parent.

I can see this thread has covered plusses and minus, but I will say - when I was 25 and newly married, I mentioned to my mum that we were TTC. She was absolutely outraged and snapped that I was far too young and it was a very silly idea.

I'm now 36 with a string of fertility issues and I've spent more than I care to think about on treatment, and I am fairly sure she feels pretty bad about saying that now.

You don't know what the future holds but people who say 'you've loads of time, you're fertile for years' are playing pollyanna with your body and it's deeply tedious.

I have never back packed or had a gap year. Had no desire to do either
It’s a bit of middles class obsession, back packing and fat arseing around overseas

Having a baby is hard, but it doesn't get easier the older you get, quite possibly the opposite. It sounds like you're in a great position financially, you're in a loving relationship and you're not doing it for the 'wrong' reasons. If you want a baby, then do it. I waited so long, I wanted to be married and have the nice house and be financially stable etc but when it came to it, I was 34, owned my own house and had a good job but was in an unhappy relationship and had an unplanned pregnancy but I now have the most amazing little boy and wouldn't change anything. I only wish I'd started sooner because I love being a mum so much and I wish I had more time to have more babies! Not everyone wants to travel or have the relevant 'life experience'. If you feel it's right for you then do it and own it, you don't need anyone else's approval. Babies are a good thing, no matter what the situation. People will think what think and say what they say but as soon as your baby is born none of it will matter, everyone will love her/him. Good luck xx