To wonder how school bullies feel as adults?

[NeonIcedcoffee]

I'm just thinking about how people who were bullies at school feel about it as adults. I went to a really crappy comp which served a number of socially deprived areas. Bullying was absolutely rife. This included physical violence. There was also lots of general intimidation and taking of things from people.
I experience a bit of bullying but it was for a relatively short time. So I'm less thinking about personal experience or wanting closure for myself if that makes sense.

I left secondary school in 2003 for context. I'm not sure if bullying is less tolerated now?

Anyway somone who was really vile and an awful bully popped up on my people you may know on Facebook. She just looked normal now. It made me think do people who behave like this know they were bullies? Do they feel bad?

I'm not talking about the normal politics of friendships in teenage years. That obviously goes on all the time. We probably all behaved selfishly or unkindly as teenagers! I'm thinking of proper bullies here.

I absolutely despise bullies. I can't find it in myself to feel sorry for them, I'm just glad I'm not like them. I'm also in two minds about bullies who apologise to their victims. What is the purpose of the apology? Is it to acknowledge their disgusting behaviour and genuinely want to make the other person know they are sorry? Or is it to clear their own conscience? If any of the vile shits who bullied me ever attempted to apologise I can just imagine feeling as awful as they made be feel all those years ago. There are still power games at play. The bully can still hold the power to make the other person feel like shit. To give an ingenuine apology about how sorry they are/how they've changed/his they were also victims, etc. Just to make themselves feel better and also themselves on the back for 'doing the right thing'. None of which is relevant to their victims. You cannot undo years of abuse just by apologising to salve your own conscience and show what a great person you are now, it doesn't work like that.

I was bullied and then became a bully. It's no excuse but my reality at the time was that all the devastation to my self esteem caused by years of being bullied could be recovered by being vile to someone else. It's the most shameful episode of my life. Ive recently become friends with the girl I bullied and have apologised very genuinely. She's lovely to me and I'm confident that she's genuinely forgiven me.

@DestroyedByBullying

Name changed for this as even though I shouldn't, I feel embarrassed and ashamed, even now. I was severely bullied throughout high school. I was very quiet and shy and had a really big long nose. I'd say at least a third of the entire school (younger years as well) bullied me. Every day, at least on average 10 kids would mock me, call me names, etc. I would also hear them whispering and laughing amongst themselves about me.

I heard every comment. I heard every snigger. Indeed I can actually remember exactly where I was standing or walking, or walking in between classes when someone said it, and who it was. I am 44 years old. And even today, I still remember exactly where I was when some of the worst ones happened. I felt so depressed, so hurt, but mostly I felt ashamed of myself. I did not WANT to stand out. I wanted to be a plain Jane (apologies to anyone on here named Jane), I wanted to blend in and walk to school, flying under the radar, not noticed. Instead, I stood out for my looks, and I hated being ugly. I would wait til I got home and had a cry, then came out to see my parents (too ashamed of myself to tell them) or cry at night. I never thought you actually could - but I remember feeling a pain in my heart most of the time it was happening. I just wanted to be normal. I wanted to be invisible.

And it's not like it was one or two people - it was relentless. When it is several people, spread out over the day, it is an onslaught that never ends. It was everywhere I turned, someone made a nasty comment or sniggered. At times it felt like it was the whole school. It was a cumulative affect of many people emotionally wearing me down. Every day. To this day it still affects me and my relationships with others. I have Chronic Depression.

From my experience, the bullies came from good homes, and knowing of a few of the families, the bullies were quite close to their parents, went on and had successful careers, and were and are popular. It may be true in some circumstances, but I don't buy into the bad home life thing. That is not the experience I've had/seen. And unfortunately I don't think many regret it because as others have said, it wasn't a big deal to them. They were just one person mocking me. But that one person soon becomes at least 50 or 60, and it is relentless. Many probably have no idea that I heard them, but I heard every comment. Every one. To them, they were engaging in banter about the ugly girl. To me, it was more and more and more nasty comments that made me feel worthless. They don't realise the lifelong and lasting harm they cause. They have no idea. No idea at all. No idea whatsoever that there is someone out there that they have caused lifelong psychological and emotional harm to. And how could they possibly understand? They can never understand what they've done. That said, I would welcome any apologies that come my way, as a form of healing for me, but no one has contacted me so far.

I’m very sorry this happened to you 💐

Did you ever think about retaliation?

Have you sought counselling/ therapy?

I just wish I knew why I can see some people had reasons for their behaviour mine was just shitty at age 7 ?? What makes a child be so nasty so young and for just a short time I struggle tbh knowing I didn’t have any kind of excuse and what I said sounds pretty ‘tame’ but I did it with such hatred and feel so awful and guilty still there’s literally no excuse I just hope I didn’t cause lasting damage I made her cry every single day
It was dreadful for the poor girl

Some will feel regret others will write it off as “kids being kids” and think there was nothing wrong with what they did. A lot will not even realise they were bullies as they weren’t main ringleader and were just joining in or standing by and laughing.

I was bullied horrendously through school by most of my year group. I was seen as lowest of the low and at assembly I was the only person with an empty chair either side of me as people wouldn’t sit directly next to me. I was picked on verbally, physically and although I didn’t realise it at the time even sexually assaulted (more than once). I was painfully shy and scared of the repercussions that I wouldn’t name anyone to teachers so they told me I was wasting their time.

For what it’s worth, if anyone who treated me that way reached out and expressed remorse I would actually appreciate it. Ok, I’m never going to like these people but I know everyone makes mistakes and really do have respect for people who are accountable and try to do the right thing.

One of my DH's bullys moved into the house opposite my parents. He's still a prick who likes to make other people feel small.
There was a girl who bullied me at school, we were meant to be friends but she was nasty to me. Sly comments, and digs at my expense. Mainly cause I liked rock music so I was different. Luckily the school were quite good and I was given a safe space to go to if it all got to much and she was punished. She never saw what she was doing as bullying though she was "just messing about". As an adult she has never left our home town, she has 2 kids and a husband who I know has cheated on her. I know i should feel sorry for her but i can't find it in my heart tbh. Her mum went to school with my sister and she was a bitch as well so I think that sadly bullies tend to raise the next generation of bullies.

@DestroyedByBullying
I just read your post and I had EXACTLY the same experience at school. It was like everyone you came into contact would laugh and snigger. There wasn’t just one or few people doing the bullying. I got very paranoid all the time thinking that everyone was taking the piss out of me as soon as I heard anyone giggle. I’ve remembered everytime I’ve been made fun off. I too wanted to blend in and not draw attention. I was known as the ‘quiet’ one.

I wonder whether you have learnt to live with your nose or have you had a nose job? Unfortunately what I have can not be changed. I wish I actually had a big nose or ears so that I could get it fixed when I’m older.

I find it hard to believe that throughout their life any person has not both been
bullied and been a bully. It's so subjective you may not even know someone felt you were bullying them or know someone was trying to bully you? If you don't get upset by the things people say etc?

I honestly think they don't even realise they were bullies

I’ve just remembered, I met my bully’s distant cousin a few years ago, total coincidence. We chatted a lot and I took great pleasure in telling her about my awful time at school with her relative. She doesn’t know her but it’ll have got back to members of her family.
Not especially proud of that but she asked, I wasn’t going to lie to save the reputation of someone who’s a nasty piece of work.

There was this girl in my class at college. She was always horrible to me for no reason.
I happened to go on a holiday with her and another 2 friends. On the holiday I asked her bluntly why she was always so mean to me. Turned out she was jealous of me. She said I was beautiful and she envied my lifestyle and my friends. I told her I’m far from perfect. She obviously was very insecure of herself. We talked about it all and cleared the air.

@DestroyedByBullying @Spaghettibetty345
Same here! I've had a few cosmetic surgeries done and have had therapy but still dont feel great about my appearance. Bizarrely my DP of many years is stunning and an ex-model, would not have ever expected that to happen And yeah, my main bully lives in a council flat in a tower block and hasnt worked a day in his life, always makes me smirk...

I was thinking the other day about a situation which happened outside of school when I was on year 7.
I was sexually assaulted by a group of the lads in my year.... back then it wasn't seen seen as sexual assault, a teacher I told basically made it out to be my fault.
But anyway I do wonder what they think of it now they are grown men with children of their own....

This has been a really interesting thread to read through.

I was bullied through primary and most of secondary school, a few specific incidents I can recall, but it was generally far less that experiences at home.
It stopped to an extent when I was about 14 - I regularly used to see one of the main bullies, who'd never specifically bullied me, out of school when I was doing my paper round, and we got on OK. Although we weren't friends in school, the knowledge that we were friendly outside worked it's magic.

When I was about sixteen, a group of us bullied a girl that was new to the area, who we'd initially befriended, mostly saying she smelled (she did, of weed). I met her about fifteen years later - she approached me and started chatting, and was lovely and friendly, made me feel even more haunted by it, even after |'d been able to say sorry.
One of the worse things about it was that in the period of initially befriending her was learning that she had a shit homelife not dissimilar to mine, and that an element of my joining in with the bullying was wanting to distance myself from that.

it's still the few weeks of bullying i participated in, rather than the ten years of being bullied, that weighs heaviest on my mind - decades later.

I was a bully at school.
I'm not saying any this as an excuse, because I'm well aware that it's not.
I was massively, massively angry as a child. I had a very unhappy home life, parents were abusive. I was moved from the area I grew up in and school to a secondary in a totally different area with no one I knew and I found it very traumatic. I was also bullied myself by some older boys so badly it made me ill. One day I tried to befriend another student and during the conversation they said something that was quite hurtful, and something in me just flipped. So I started to pick on them.
I'm utterly ashamed of how I behaved now, and although I know it's no fix I got in touch with them to apologise.
But I know people say that bullies are horrible people, they're also children with no guidance and shouldn't always have to grow up to be branded as horrible forever. Bullies aren't happy people but people can change.

My best friend used to be a bully at school. Not defending her but she had a pretty messed up childhood. I think she feels pretty bad about it but excuses it for a number of reasons.

@Generalblah

You sound like an excellent teacher. Two boys singled me out and loudly belittled me throughout one particular GCSE class for two years. The teacher deliberately ignored it. I was a painfully shy teen and was loudly called all of the names under the sun every single lesson. They sang nasty songs about me on an hour long bus journey for a school trip and the teachers said nothing for the whole hour. I can still remember my ears burning in shame, 20 years on. We went to a prestigious grammar school where bullying was unheard of, and I think they were hoping if they ignored it it would eventually go away.

It has affected my self confidence (and in turn, my entire life) hugely, whereas both boys have gone on to have successful careers and have absolutely beautiful wives.

I very much doubt they're wracked with guilt over what they did.

I agree bullies are unhappy people and because they are unhappy they decide to take it out on someone else.
I always taught my son to never be a bully. In fact if he knew anyone at school was being bullied, he would always protect them. He would sort the bullies out personally. I got called to see the headmistress because my son had pushed a boy hard against the wall. The boy had taken my sons novelty keyring and was throwing it around. My son knew that he wasn’t a nice boy as he had a reputation for being a big bully and that’s why my son did what he did. Word got around to a few of the mother’s who silently congratulated my son for standing up to this horrible boy.

I have a lifelong friend who went to a different secondary school toe, apparently she was quite a vicious bully there (I have other friends who were her classmates). One girl mirror less left school in year 11 because of her. I have spoken to her as an adult and she genuinely had no idea that's how she was. She had a very sad and troubled homelife and I think her teenage years must have been pretty hellish. She's an awesome,kind, and very self-aware adult, but there are people out there who will never forgive her (quite reasonably).
I think it can be very complex.

Bloody mad typos!

I've been both bullied and on occasion have bullied others. I feel sick whenever I think back on how horrible I was to 2 particular girls, one of them was my friend, she was fairly new to our village and school and we hit it off straight away, I used to spend a lot of time playing at her house outside of school, she was a really lovely, sweet and generous girl. The other children in our school developed a dislike for this girl, started to bully her on a daily basis. I didn't join in with the name-calling and insults but I did stop talking to her in school and I didn't stand up for her, I just sat there like a little coward and ignored what was going on because I didn't want to be on the receiving end too. Then I would go around to her house after school and play with her like everything was fine. She and her family moved to another country before we started secondary school, I did find her on Facebook and we spoke and I acknowledged my shitty behaviour and apologised profusely and because she is such a lovely person she forgave me and we are still friends, but to this day I'm still haunted by her sad little 9yr old face all alone looking at me pleadingly as I pretended not to see her.

The person who bullied me the most was supposedly my oldest and best friend, she was extremely manipulative and controlling throughout childhood, do what she wanted and you were her best friend and she'd do anything for you, otherwise she'd make your life hell! I couldn't see for a long time just how toxic her friendship was, even when she called me a "jokey" name based on an aspect of my appearance and called me this nickname in front of everyone so they all started calling me the name, I spent years of my life sitting with my hand over my mouth all the time to hide my apparently massive lips I was so self conscious. As we grew up the "friendship" drifted and we don't speak these days. I'm pretty certain if I were to bring up her bullying she wouldn't see that her behaviour was bullying, she'd either downplay it as joking or deny it completely and try to make out that I have mental health problems.

Quite a number if posts from "ex" bullies in this thread.
Well sorry but a lame anonymous apology just doesn't cut it !
Nor do the " poor me I had a terrible homelife" excuses.

I had a terrible home life, terrible school life, terrible social life because of you, I have seen people not as strong as me completely wrecked even to this day through the way they suffered.

So I hope you do feel guilt but saying " oh I'm sorry" just says to me that you still do not have a clue.

I was the ringleader of a group of bullies in elementary and middle school. We always used to pick on this girl as she was a scholarship student and was very poor. My dad was the principal of the private school I went to so I suppose I felt "superior." I didn't bully her because I was jealous though- at the time my friends and I were just "bored" and just did it for fun. However I do realise now that it was horrible and never did it again after middle school
I met the girl again about 10 years ago as an employee who was under me when I became CEO. We get along quite well now and never really bring up anyting about the past.

Someone who bullied me at school tried to friend me on FB. I was shocked for a while, then I remembered we'd been quite friendly in 6th form so I must have forgiven her to some extent, but years later it was the nastiness from the years before that I remembered.

I was bullied at school. We had to call it being picked on in those days. It was only considered bullying if you were physically attacked or had your dinner money stolen. Being picked on was obviously more difficult to complain about and no teacher or parent would have done anything about it. Once, one of these drew a picture of me with labels to all the ugly parts of my face. When our form teacher found it he was horrified, but I was used to it. Kids were like that in those days.

I was more bullied than a bully, but I remember some nasty moments from my own past too and I struggle with those.

SassenachWitch:
I think bullies are such vile people, that they never see their wrongdoings. To regret bullying, you’ve got to admit to being the bully.

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