To wonder how school bullies feel as adults?

[NeonIcedcoffee]

I'm just thinking about how people who were bullies at school feel about it as adults. I went to a really crappy comp which served a number of socially deprived areas. Bullying was absolutely rife. This included physical violence. There was also lots of general intimidation and taking of things from people.
I experience a bit of bullying but it was for a relatively short time. So I'm less thinking about personal experience or wanting closure for myself if that makes sense.

I left secondary school in 2003 for context. I'm not sure if bullying is less tolerated now?

Anyway somone who was really vile and an awful bully popped up on my people you may know on Facebook. She just looked normal now. It made me think do people who behave like this know they were bullies? Do they feel bad?

I'm not talking about the normal politics of friendships in teenage years. That obviously goes on all the time. We probably all behaved selfishly or unkindly as teenagers! I'm thinking of proper bullies here.

@D4rwin

I don't know. You could ask a tv / radio presenter down in the south west. She had a lot of front. She'd probably find a way to further her career out of it. I've been contacted by her since school, as far as I could tell it was to glorify her involvement with a charity as all her own brilliance. I'm glad she found a job that gives her the attemtion she craves. I hope she has No one junior to her. I doubt she's ever reflected on things. Cold as ice.

Intrigued! Esp as I live in the SW.

I was never a bully, but I was with a group of girls who made nasty comments to a girl in our year who was deemed to be "slow". It only happened the one time, but my best friend made comments to her and although I felt uncomfortable about it, I laughed along with everyone else. To this day I feel guilty about it and wish I'd stopped it. I wish I'd treated her like everyone else and made an effort to befriend her. I just didn't have any concept at the time of special needs, which I now know that this girl definitely had. It makes me feel even worse knowing that my own daughter with SEN might experience the same in her teenage years.

I was quite bullied at secondary school - I went to quite w tough school and all those who bullied me had miserable home lives (I didn't and they could see that, which is one of the reasons I was a target). I later worked with the sister one one of the bullies. When the bullies (one of the really top tough girls) son was starting secondary school my colleague told me her bully sister was desperate for her son not to go to the same school because she was worried about him being bullied because he was so sensitive. So I guess she must be aware that she was bullying people, but it was "normal" back then, along with racism and sexual harassment

DD was bullied by a group of mean girls at secondary school. I only recently found out how bad it was. I did once complain to the school, only to be told 'oh no I can't believe she would .. her mother is so lovely'. It verges in victim blaming.
Bullies are loathsome and I do not buy into the 'it makes you stronger' theory. DD's subsequent bulemia and depression is directly attributable to her experiences. She is a beautiful high achiever who is also quiet. And those girls just couldn't cope with that so did everything they could to take her down. Two great examples - held a celebration party in the 6th form common room when she didn't get an Oxford offer, and earlier deliberately bought tickets to a concert so they could snogger and point when she performed a solo. And so many smaller slights. And nothing done.

Bitter? You bet I am!

Oblivious, I think a lot of the time. I see a lot of comments about bullies being scum etc. from people who I remember not being so nice to others at school. There wasn't really anyone the was consistently bullied (from my POV and as far as I'm aware), but a few girls who liked to try and intimidate people they thought were weaker than them.

I was bullied by the usualsuspect at school, she is still doing it but online. They never change.

The lady that I booked to do my hair and make up for my wedding turned up for my trial and I realised that she was in the group of girls that were awful bullies. I sit. Never remember her doing more than laughing / glaring etc but I used to feel physically sick when I saw any of them out and about.
The ring leader was physically agrees and literally stays in my nightmares.

She seemed nice and started to do my nails. A few weeks in she suddenly told me she could remember me from school. She told me it was terrifying being in that gang and that she was either with them or against them but she never, ever joined in.

She brings it up, a lot. And I’ve found I had to tell her that I was over it and she needed to forgive herself and let go.

Ill never be over the horrific bullying from school. I’m a teacher now and when I discuss anti-bullying week with my young people I openly discuss the impact that bulling can have.

I found out that my school bully died suddenly earlier this year. She had become a prominent social figure. There was an out pouring of grief and reams of comments about how she was such a lovely person. Whilst it was tragic she died young, it really shook me as I wondered why everyone thought so highly of her and made me question if I deserved it, as all I could remember was her snarl and the sadistic look of pleasure on her face as she cornered and threatened me with violence for being a ‘posh bitch’. I doubt she gave me a second thought tbh.

I experienced a small spell of bullying until I opened up to my mum about it and she tried to sort it with the school ,to no avail, so she reluctantly told my father who dealt with it his way, with the bully's father. It stopped instantly.

But the school tried to pass it off to my mum as the girls family was dysfunctional and she was being brought up in a "broken" family - no excuse, I believed, my mum and father were in the middle of their relationship drastically failing and its wasn't a bed of roses within my own home, but that was unbeknown to anyone.

I doubt the bully thinks twice about it, I doubt she amounted to much but I may be very wrong.

I do really worry about my son going to school, my husband thinks it irrational, but he is only petite and kids are cruel and they have social media now, I worry terribly for him where my husband just says he will be fine, no need to worry.

I bumped into an ex bully from primary a couple of years after leaving school. She told me she was so sorry she was horrible to me when we were at primary. She had spent most of her teenage years in a home, I vaguely recall going to her house and it was horrific, and her mum appeared to be mentally ill, so she didn’t have a good life.

As an adult she posts on Facebook about hating bullies (looks like her daughter is getting bullied at school). Her partner has also beaten her up a few times. I don’t feel smug or as though she deserves any of it: I feel so sad her life has turned out like this

Only one of my bullied apologized to me. He sent me a Facebook message a couple of years ago and said how genuinely sorry he was for what he did and that he just didn't have a backbone back then and that he wasn't strong enough to stand up against the group.

I didn't appreciate the apology at all. It opened up all wounds and in an instant made me feel like the helpless teenage girl I was back then, abandoned by her dad, with a shit home life and a shit school life, with no safe space.

He also coincidentally went through a divorce at the time when he apologized and said he'd like to visit me where I live and if I've got somewhere to sleep for him in the house. Probably he felt quite down and low at that point in his life and thought the best thing was to contact the girl he relentlessly bullied for therapy and a soul massage to give him an absolution. I felt abused all over after his apology.

I was bullied in primary school year 1- year 4 after I moved to a new area after my dad died. name calling mainly for being a little bit plump. No wanting to play with me ect The bullying stopped but I was always made to feel abnormal till high school.
End of year 7 to year 9 I became a horrible person and was a bully. I had a horrible lack of self esteem and confidence. Towards the end of year 9 I developed an eating disorder and this changed my behaviour and I realised what I had turned into. I feel horrible guilty for being so awful for them 3 years and think about it often.
I now have children of my own and I Instill in them the importance of being kind to others. I never got my confidence back after being bullied in primary school so to think I did the same in highschool really makes me so unbelievably angry at myself.

I believe most people have the capacity to bully when they're at their lowest.

Their are some people who are just awful through and through but I actually think those people are quite rare.

I had a fall out with my friendship group at 15 and it made me a bit of a target, but mostly low level, survivable bullshit... Just a bit lonely. I moved to a different 6th form and there was one girl there who made my life an absolute fucking misery, day in day out, threatening to beat me up (she was a big fucker, rugby player type) and destroying me from the inside out with an orchestrated "don't hang out with Meat shake" campaign. To this day I've got no idea what her problem was, her life seemed so perfect. I was a bit of an odd duck but fairly harmless and totally out of my depth in a new school, it was like that bully scent scene off the Simpsons. One sniff and that was it she was on my case morning noon and night.

Do you know what, just in case she ever reads this... Holly, you're a fucking sociopath.

Having had round about chats with some of my bullies they have no recollection or idea of the damage they did.

One of my bullies apologised to me on Facebook messenger years later. I've suffered from very low self esteem for years and it meant a lot to me that she apologised. She had been through a hard time herself and got to thinking about the past and decided to try and make amends. Since I was bullied and been very low I've always tried to help people who need it and always be kind. Tbh I can be a bit to forgiving at times but that apology meant a lot.

School bullies are vile people who don't change when they become adults.

I really don't think they do. My daughter was bullied on and off through secondary school although it really escalated in year 11. To the point that she was self harming an having dark thoughts. She's coming up to 18 now and it still affects her. She lost lots of time at school,missed exams and spent most lunchtimes crying in the toilet because she had no friends (which still breaks my heart now). The bitcges just waltzed around school like nothing had happened. In years to come they'll look back at it and think it was just a bit of teasing but it's scarred my daughter for life.
I hope,in years to come that these bullies have something happen to them that may make them have a taste of their own medicine. And I don't care if that sounds mean or cruel,but when you're scared to go into your child's room in case they've hurt themselves, and you don't know what you're going to find....well.....karma is a good thing.

I saw one of the worst school bullies about 5 years ago back in my home town. A Grandmother to twins at 46. She looked grim for her age, has never left the rural backwater we grew up in, still had a scowling face. I actually stood up to her but she made many people’s lives miserable. I am not going to lie I am glad she looked like shite.

I was verbally bullied in year 7. One girl in my form wrote 'I hate Bobby' on the whiteboard at lunch one day. In year 11 I ended up sitting with her in maths and we became friendly. I plucked up the courage to ask her why she did that, as we didn't even really know each other at that time. She didn't even remember doing it.

Goodness me, I can pretty much remember every unkind comment I ever made at high school! It shocks me that proper bullies would lack the self-awareness to recall what they were!

Oh god I don't think I've started a post with this many comments before! Glad to provide a topic of discussion. I actually wasn't thinking of Ptiti Patel when I posted although I'd listened to plenty of radio 4 today so was well aware of it. I actually wasn't really thinking of adult bullies either but I suppose there's plenty of those around too! So many will just turn into adult bullies.

Thinking about school there were kids who clearly had mental health or neuro diversity. There were also the ones living in poverty and or with crappy home lives. I imagine a good few who's family would resolve conflicts through shouting and fighting. So they probably learned lots of behaviour from there.

There were also loads of kid who came from families where no one worked. I think you learn a lot of coping mechanisms through working, managing emotions and conflict or negotiating social groups. Maybe the kids had no one to model that kind of real world behaviour?

Also what pp's have said about the bullies being bullied is true to some extent in my experience. There was a kind of alpha group and various ring leader withing this with various fights and falling out. So I wonder if some of these kids where kind of scared too?

I'm not sure it is as simple as bullies are vile and stay vile. Obviously some do! I don't know loads about behaviour but it does seem situation and context are important. So lots of bullies perhaps behave in a way looking back in they are ashamed but it seems normal at the time? I bet some though continue to be fucking awful just like they were at school.

I suspect the bullies simply remember it as if they were the victims of someone or something- and are very out of touch with their own aggression and unpleasantness meted out to others.

I don't think it excuses bullying for a moment, but I do think it's true that happy well adjusted children from warm supportive and authoritative families don't feel the need to bully other kids.

I know a bully. She was a consistent bully aged 9 to16. She only had two friends and theybwere only her friends because they were scared of her.
She had a breakdown aged 25. Turns out she was going through hell at home and had big mental health problems growing up.
Now she’s a child psychotherapist.
One of my friends still won’t forgive her for what she did to her aged 13.