To wonder how school bullies feel as adults?

[NeonIcedcoffee]

I'm just thinking about how people who were bullies at school feel about it as adults. I went to a really crappy comp which served a number of socially deprived areas. Bullying was absolutely rife. This included physical violence. There was also lots of general intimidation and taking of things from people.
I experience a bit of bullying but it was for a relatively short time. So I'm less thinking about personal experience or wanting closure for myself if that makes sense.

I left secondary school in 2003 for context. I'm not sure if bullying is less tolerated now?

Anyway somone who was really vile and an awful bully popped up on my people you may know on Facebook. She just looked normal now. It made me think do people who behave like this know they were bullies? Do they feel bad?

I'm not talking about the normal politics of friendships in teenage years. That obviously goes on all the time. We probably all behaved selfishly or unkindly as teenagers! I'm thinking of proper bullies here.

@gottakeeponmovin I'm so sorry to read of your terrible loss Your poor DSis, and you, and all of your family

@Hellomynameismary

But the child could have been called th t every day by strangers or their own parents. so even mild bullying in top of that, if the name calling was ongoing.

Sorry, I've only just seen this comment. Yes, that's true. I was fat shamed by my DM at home a lot as well, that was far more damaging than being called 'Fatty' at school. It's left me with lifeline food issues.

I know that it was a misguided attempt to help me, but it had absolutely the opposite effect, probably because my self-esteem was so poor because of all the other things I was going through.

I'm so sad to read all these accounts of bullying that PPs have been through.

@gottakeeponmovin

[quote Mittens030869]@Hellomynameismary

But the child could have been called th t every day by strangers or their own parents. so even mild bullying in top of that, if the name calling was ongoing.

Sorry, I've only just seen this comment. Yes, that's true. I was fat shamed by my DM at home a lot as well, that was far more damaging than being called 'Fatty' at school. It's left me with lifeline food issues.

I know that it was a misguided attempt to help me, but it had absolutely the opposite effect, probably because my self-esteem was so poor because of all the other things I was going through.[/quote]
For me, my food problems started when the school/teachers reported me to social services for being fat. My parents never mentioned it, nor did my school friends - I had a very happy childhood and happy school days until the age of around 9 when the school reported me.

We we summoned to see a "school doctor" at the local social services office. The doctor abruptly told me and mother that I was far too fat and needed to go on an immediate and strict diet.

That started my life long food related mental health issues.

Parents put me on a strict diet which I rebelled against. I started stealing money from the house to buy crisps etc at the school tuck shop. Obviously, my weight increased. Teachers then reported to the schools doctor that I was buying crisps at the school tuck shop. So we were summoned back to be told off for that and the school banned me from buying. So I gave my friends money to buy things for me and ate them hidden in the loos at breaks and lunchtimes.

My weight just kept going up and up. As soon as I left primary school and went to secondary, the schools doctor lost interest and we never got called again. My new "friends" at secondary were pretty nasty and that's when the bullying started for being fat, as, now I really was huge - due to binge eating because of the actions of the schools doctor!

That completely ruined my teenage years, as it quickly developed from name calling into physical abuse, being hit/kicked, cigarette burns, and having property damaged stolen (school bags, books, etc). I was clearly an easy target after the initial name calling which allowed the more serious bullying to become acceptable among my peer group. Teachers ignored it when I reported it, as the bullies were the popular/extraverted kids involved in school sports, school plays etc who were pally with the teachers!

So, thank you, teachers and social services and schools doctor - you didn't help at all, in fact you made it worse!

As for the bullies in adult life, I've come across a few in real life and on social media - they don't have a clue how they nearly drove me to suicide - they're in denial - they obviously thought it just just a bit of harmless fun - bullies do tend to try to minimise the effects of their actions.

Question for those with school age DC, especially secondary schools, are schools and teachers any better at dealing with bullying than they were 20+ years ago? I honestly dread sending mine into that environment at 11.

@user1497207191 that sounds well intentioned but terribly handled. I remember the "have a go" attitude towards mental health issues by people who weren't adequately trained in the issues they were "counselling" vulnerable children and teenagers about.

Dds school hot on it. “Statements” taken bystander liability they are all over it. Girls school the head is slightly military very strict but good approach. That said neither of mine been or have bullied so haven’t had to deal with it personally

The girl who subjected DD to some really nasty psychological bullying in year 10, resulting in DD becoming depressed, self-harming and borderline anorexic, is still a self-opinionated loudmouth. She dropped out of university and shows pay per view online videos of her having sex with her boyfriend.

She is also very vociferous about bullying and claims poor mental health very publicly online.

I don’t doubt that she has poor mental health, but she is also very narcissistic, so I struggle to feel any empathy towards her, especially after what she did to DD.

I just wonder as I'm sure my old school would have said they had robust anti-bullying policies and such behaviour wasn't tolerated but in reality it was a really toxic environment where there was no joined up strategy for the teachers and all sorts was allowed to happen.

And my school was considered the "good school" as opposed to the nearest one in special measures. I think this was just because the majority of us had the sort of parents who made us revise and do homework so the exam results were good. I don't think it was run any better than the other schools.

This is such an interesting thread, especially mention of the great system at one school to treat people as guilty by collusion for Failure to Report.
Even using the word 'snitch' means, by inference, approval of colluding with continuing harm.

What would @user1497207191 do differently, looking back at herself, and those who might have ensured she didn't get fat in early childhood? Her parents in particular were buying the food and watching her little body swell up. They must have known she would be bullied, must have known she was being set up for a lifelong miserable relationship with food, and above all must have known how dangerous to her health it is to be obese.

The sugar and junk food lobby has a lot to answer for, with a two thirds obese population and still a country worshipping and encouraging extra consumption of calories. Even the American Halloween has been promoted in U.K., to send children to the doors of strangers to beg for sugar. (Incredible) Baking competitions and any of the endless food programmes never have calorie information. How can people know that the supposedly 'lovely' food or cake has enough calories even on the 'taster' plate for a day, or would need fifteen hours' walking to work off?

By comparison, what if people were being shown T.V. encouragement to take drugs and cigarettes and high proof alcohol as an acceptable habit and to give them to their children as 'little treats' daily, and full blast oversupply consumed with full adult and societal approval, for birthdays and numerous other occasions ("Such a Treat, Such Fun, So Naughty, but we all Deserve it")