To wonder how school bullies feel as adults?

[NeonIcedcoffee]

I'm just thinking about how people who were bullies at school feel about it as adults. I went to a really crappy comp which served a number of socially deprived areas. Bullying was absolutely rife. This included physical violence. There was also lots of general intimidation and taking of things from people.
I experience a bit of bullying but it was for a relatively short time. So I'm less thinking about personal experience or wanting closure for myself if that makes sense.

I left secondary school in 2003 for context. I'm not sure if bullying is less tolerated now?

Anyway somone who was really vile and an awful bully popped up on my people you may know on Facebook. She just looked normal now. It made me think do people who behave like this know they were bullies? Do they feel bad?

I'm not talking about the normal politics of friendships in teenage years. That obviously goes on all the time. We probably all behaved selfishly or unkindly as teenagers! I'm thinking of proper bullies here.

I think Teenagers are a difficult breed TBH! There is so much jostling for position /best grades /boyfriends and so on .Some of them may be getting a hard time at home of course but not all . Many of them have turned into THAT person at work, who no one likes and who takes great pleasure in upsetting the new girl/quiet person and so on .My DM used to work in an office ,and as usual 9/10 of the ladies were pleasant and friendly .Except one of course who upset her so much she would be in tears to my SD most evenings! My dear FIL used to say "theres always one dear" and its so so true!

One of mine joined the police! Yikes. Vicious little bully she was. Others have gone on to have kids of their own. I doubt any of them give me a second thought. Yet the effects of their bullying have lasted a lifetime for me. I struggle to make friends and I always assume friends will dump me in the end, because many of my school friends ended up bullying me. It triggered a lifelong eating disorder. But it was a long time ago and all i can do - what I should do - is focus on my own life and successful career. On the plus side, I left my small, dull home town and moved to a big city which none of them did.

@heronlanyan - I ended up working in human rights charity sector, so I definitely think my experiences have impacted on my desire to seek justice for others throughout my career.

One of mine tried to friend me on Facebook once. He and a group of friends had once followed me home, spitting at me the entire way. It was such a humilating experience for me, that I never told anyone, until years later. I don't think he even remembered. I ignored the friend request.

I know a bully personally because in my field of work I became friends with two people separately and when I posted a picture of me with one of them once my other (more long term friend) was shocked and upset as it was her childhood bully (teens to late teens) her bullying was so bad she has long lasting issues as a result and the things that happened to her shocked me!

By the point I found out I had got to know this other woman very well and what I know of her she is a very insecure person with a lot of personal issues herself now as an adult. I bought up the person and she didn't totally deny it but said "no no she's taken it the wrong way" and completely downplayed it. I am not very good friends with her but see her at work and get on with her pretty well. I am not excusing her at all but I can sort of see how bully's downplay it to protect themselves from facing what they did.

Does anyone remember quite an old episode now of "New Tricks" BBC1 now on Drama I think .Anyway its Sandras (Amanda Redman)old School reunion ,she doesnt want to go though.Jack(James Bolam) asks why not ,and she remembers being "not very nice back then" When he talks her into going, she stays about 2 minutes and rushes out to him waiting for her . Inside the School Hall photos of the girls were up, and someone had drawn horns on her face! followed by writing about how nasty she had been to them!

I had one apologise to me at a school reunion. She said she had never forgotten how horrible she was, and it had haunted her for her whole life, and she was deeply sorry. Another one (same reunion) didn't apologise, but she made a huge big deal of saying how great it was to see me, and she insisted on buying me a drink - I suspect that was her way of apologising.

But on the other hand, I met another group at the same reunion, and one of them said, "Oh yes - I remember you!" and laughed ... and I was standing there thinking, "What??? You're still laughing at me after twenty-five years??" So based on my experience, I'd say some of them totally change, and some of them are still the same vile little shits that they always were.

I like to think that the majority of them grow up, realise how small a world we live in, and feel some remorse.

The remainder are probably those really annoying idiots you come across in the workplace

There are a couple of things I did at school that I regret and that I wouldn't do now. That is all part of growing up and thinking more about others than yourself. I was bullied by a few girls at school; one of them has spent the last few years working for a friend of mine and I saw her regularly until Covid. She was eaten up by some of the things she did/said to me, but was too embarrassed to talk to me about it, and I've never brought it up with her. I got my friend to ask her two questions: (1) Do you regret it? (2) Would you do it again? Then the friend reassured her that we've all moved on since then, and it has wiped the slate clean.

I had a boy bully me everyday throughout school and it gave me terrible confidence issues. After school I got a responsible job and over the years it gave me my confidence back.
He got married and actually moved into the house next door to my parents. It soon became apparent that he was quite an insignificant and weak figure. My parents were shocked at the level of shouting coming from next door (terraced house) and were often on the verge of calling the police. The shouting and screaming was all from his wife at him, couldn’t help thinking there was a bit of Karma involved.
If I passed him on the street as an adult, he couldn’t look me in the eye and would stare at the floor. I even felt sorry for him!

One I know is still a bully. She was a very sneaky bully and you almost didn't know it was happening. Only now I'm older I realise how she gaslighted me and chipped away at the little confidence I had.

Another is now a minister's wife, she tells anyone who will listen how she became a Christian at 11. I went to school with her and she was a real nasty piece of work. Think she lied for so long she believes her lies. She's still not the most pleasant.

My mum saw her school bully at a Christmas dinner when she was 70, 60 years after the boy had teased her and name called because her Dad had died earlier that year and she was the only person in the class with no father, it went on until she left primary school. She was really shaken by it but by the next year she had decided to confront him and she did at the next Christmas dinner. She asked him why he had been horrible to her for losing her father and he couldn't remember it at all. He did however have the good grace to apologise, so 61 years later she had her apology and said she was glad she called him out on it.

I think
They are proud of themselves and continue to do it.

Interesting topic. I was bullied by a group of boys. Just general insults and nasty names all the time.

I saw them maybe 15 years ago in town and some
Of the girls with them were chatting to me (from school who were ok) and one of them was still smirking and laughing at me slyly.

I recently advertised something for sale on fb and his wife contacted me and asked to purchase (my surname has changed) I ignored her so he started messaging me instead.

In the end I just told him I didn’t feel comfortable either seeing him or having him at my house after the way he treated me at school and even when I saw him a few years ago.

He had no recollection and was completely take a back and surprised. He says he remembers the “others” being horrible but that was it. Can’t even remember seeing me in town.

I just blocked after that!

Had a stalk on my school bullies fb and she had a post where she was outraged that her daughter was being bullied! Saying how awful it is! She bullied me so much I left the school.

Mines achieved fuck all aswell it is pleasing 😂

A friend once told me a couple of 'funny' anecdotes about her school life. On one particularly hilarious occasion she forced another girl into a cupboard in a chemistry lesson and shut the door on her. This was a cupboard not a storage room, an actual cupboard. Every time the girl tried to get out she wedged the door closed again. On another occasion she broke another girl's arm.

I was incredulous. This person showed absolutely no remorse or even awareness that what they had done was awful. Not just awful, horrific. Broke someone's arm ffs. I stepped back from the friendship pretty sharpish. I was bullied myself, I can only imagine how those poor girls felt and how those events have affected their lives.

So in my experience, bullies don't see themselves as bullies.

I was horrifically abused (verbally, never physically) throughout my three years at university by a senior member of the student welfare team. Due to his position, nobody ever believed me and he got away with everything.

I still think about him from time to time and suspect that it wouldn’t even occur to him to show any remorse. As far as I’m concerned he can fuck off to the back of the far end of Nether Fuckington.

I was really very unkind to a girl at school who I was sort of friends with (we were in the same group). Completely my own insecurity. I feel awful still and think about it frequently. I hope she has gone on to better friends and a happy life. I hope she thinks badly of me as she should.

If my kids were like me I'd go crazy, while also trying to address the reason they felt the need to be so horrible.

@helloxhristmas

I think those that bully (mostly) have a really shitty home life. I don't think they realise what they've done. My best mate was mercilessly bullied, it's affected her whole adult life.

This is just an excuse.

Bullies know what they are doing,
Some may not know exactly why.

And they come from all backgrounds, and more often from well off backgrounds than not.

I was bullied by two of the most loathsome little bitches at high school, they made my life and several others a living hell. I believe one of them went on to become a nurse. They were absolute arseholes and what I went through has affected the person I've become in adulthood.
See, I don't think you can 'wipe the slate clean' as someone up thread said. I think a better analogy is like one of those old magnetic drawing boards. You can wipe the surface clean but underneath, the pictures stay on the black stuff forever. I think bullying is like that. It affects your whole life and becomes a part of who you are. I have no idea if those girls ever think about their actions at high school. In my experience, people who were arseholes at school just grow in to bigger older arseholes.

I had a group of friends/bullies ide never know if they were going to be nice or nasty to me that day. Out of them all there was one ringleader. Her ide tell to fuck off as when she wasn't there it was ALWAYS a nice day.
The others ide ask why? Did they either know or care how much what they said cut me? All I wanted from them was to fit in and be accepted, where did I go so wrong?
I dont think they could answer that so it would be about making themselves feel better not me.