To wonder how school bullies feel as adults?

[NeonIcedcoffee]

I'm just thinking about how people who were bullies at school feel about it as adults. I went to a really crappy comp which served a number of socially deprived areas. Bullying was absolutely rife. This included physical violence. There was also lots of general intimidation and taking of things from people.
I experience a bit of bullying but it was for a relatively short time. So I'm less thinking about personal experience or wanting closure for myself if that makes sense.

I left secondary school in 2003 for context. I'm not sure if bullying is less tolerated now?

Anyway somone who was really vile and an awful bully popped up on my people you may know on Facebook. She just looked normal now. It made me think do people who behave like this know they were bullies? Do they feel bad?

I'm not talking about the normal politics of friendships in teenage years. That obviously goes on all the time. We probably all behaved selfishly or unkindly as teenagers! I'm thinking of proper bullies here.

I went to a very posh school and we had one particular absolute piece of work in my year. I have never come across anyone so foul before or since. Completely over indulged little shit who never had heard the word no.
I had a very visible eating disorder in my mid/late teens and she always used to make snide little comments along the lines of “you’re looking well queen, put on some weight?” Knowing full well what she was doing. She seemed to know the entire years Achilles heel and would do the same for everyone, she was highly manipulative and when someone tried to do something about it her parents threatened to sue for deformation of character!!
She’s a corporate lawyer now, she had the bloody guile to show up to a school reunion a few years ago and was surprised that no one wanted to waste any oxygen talking to her. Absolute cunt. I don’t hold a grudge generally but she was fucking nasty.

Or Boris Johnson

The father of a child at my DC school is very vocal about anti-bulling week etc in schools being a waste of time because it's just part of growing up/helps kids toughen up etc etc. He very openly told a room full of people that he used to bully other children, especially in senior school, and it didn't cause them any lasting problems. He claims to see some of them in the pub occasionally and they all smile, say hello and he buys them a pint- apparently the fact that they don't ever mention the bullying means it was no big deal. I suspect in reality, if his story is true, they probably wait until he has left and talk about what a prick he is.

I saw my school bully recently. I was suicidal and terrified for years because of her when I was a teenager.

She's now obese and works in the local chippy in my shitty hometown.

The bully from my year at school is now an a&e nurse.

I pray I’m never in a medical emergency and she shows up at my side

Do you think they care? Probably still nasty bullies now. I was bullied so badly I left school early.

I ran into a girl through a mutual friend 5 years after we'd left school. I'd known this girl at school and thought we'd been friends, not close but I certainly had no bad feelings toward her. She refused to speak to me and said to our mutual friend that I had bullied her at school. I was mortified! I spoke to her, apologised profusely and its still something that dwells on my mind now 20 years later. I deeply regret ever making someone feel unhappy whether I remember it or not. Thankfully this girl forgave me to the extent that we were bridesmaids at each others weddings and are still close friends nonow. I honestly never thought of myself as a bully, bitchy teenager maybe but that was rife in an all girls school! It just goes to show you never know how you are perceived by others and what affect you have on their lives.

I wouldn't say I was a bully but I was certainly unpleasant at times - I didn't realise at the time as I was surrounded by horrific behaviour at home. I grew up surrounded by DV and drugs, was mentally abused, etc etc and had a pretty shitty time. It's only when I got out of that, that I realised being a shitty person was not the norm. I now work in the public sector helping others and am so remorseful for anyone I upset in my youth. I was very good at pushing people away as I thought everyone was awful... turns out I was wrong. Bullying is never, ever ok but there's usually a reason that a bully is a bully.

I've name changed to reply, because I am a coward.
I was a school bully. I was vile and cruel to several people and I deeply regret it as an adult. I am ashamed of myself and my actions.
I can't justify what I did with any excuses. Yes, I had my own problems, but that didn't give me the right to be as cruel as I was.

I was bullied by a girl at school who I bumped into many years later at a social dinner. She came to me and apolagised that she had been such a bitch at school. I pretended I didn't remember her. She spent ages trying to convince me that I must remember her as everyone knew her before I excused myself.

There were a pair in my year and from what I've heard, they're still vile but outwardly present a sickly sweet and successful life with the obligatory vomit worthy mummy blogger stuff. I think they owe a lot of people a very big apology and did a huge amount of damage to a lot of people's confidence. Someone who's DC have come across their DCs said they're horrible kids so the apples haven't fallen far. I'm not surprised because their mother was a queen bee bully too.

@JustAnotherUserinParadise
I honestly would not like my bully to apologise. It wouldn't change anything I still hate him. And I don't think it would give me closure.

I was bullied and the school did nothing, they all knew. 15 years later a girl slashed her wrists at the same school due to the bullying she was the recipient of. That school was rotten to the core.

@lurkingfromhome agree re the no-one thinking themselves the villian or rather no-one WANTS to think of themselves as a villian. I was a bully in primary school but I was also bullied (probably more so) but I feel awful every day for the people I bullied and also for being bullied. Secondary seems different because it feels like you should have grown up more by then?

The definition of bullying is also difficult to ascertain. Someone could joke with one person and they joke back or "give as good as they get" but with another they retreat into themselves. It's how the person feel about the comments surely? And physical bullying is always wrong (unless in self defence of course). The trouble is, someone could seem unfazed and joke back but be really affected by the comments. You may not know how someone really feels. Equally some joking is in good humour and to make everyone laugh and it's hard to know the line. I'm extremely sensitive and find it hard to know when people are joking with me or at my expense.

I just don't think that they have any concept of what they did when younger. One of the two girls who made my life a living hell at school has turned into some guru. She posts things on Facebook about how school mum playground cliques affect women's mental health, loving yourself and is an anti vaxer. I wish I had the guts to call her out on it.

I remember a few years ago I was teaching a particularly horrible class of year 11s. The majority were mouthy, cocky and generally unpleasant. There were a few who worked hard and kept to themselves.
I had sent 2 boys out of the room for intimidating a lovely young girl. Making silly comments that were visibly upsetting her and belittling her. When I told them that their actions were those of a bully one turned to me in disbelief of what I said. The other protested that he hated bullies and was not one. They genuinely believed they were just having a laugh but at another person’s expense.

One of them was diagnosed with autism very late and that upset him to the point of leaving education early and the other had a terrible home life. I think bullies just pass on their own anger and sadness onto others; like it’s the only way to feel better.

@JustAnotherUserinParadise

I wouldn't. What would an apology achieve? The damage has been done and is still being felt over 30 years later. The anger I feel towards my bullies is really strong, if any of them came near me I'd absolutely wipe the floor with them and tell them some home truths.

DH admits he was a little shit in early secondary school.

He was bullied himself in the last year at primary (this was never addressed) and then when he moved up to secondary he became a bully.

How does he feel now? (40) Ashamed and unsure exactly what made him do it. He remembers it all clearly. His home life was a bit weird. Not abusive, no poverty, but neglectful emotionally.

@Homemadearmy fair enough, I'm projecting I guess. I'd like it if mine did - it wouldn't make it better but I'd like to know that they still felt some guilt about it and that would be some punishment for them!

One of mine became a local beauty queen and later a successful model.

To me, she will always be ugly.

Got to laugh when they’re sharing anti bullying and be kind nonsense on Facebook

I joined in on one occasion making fun of a classmate when I was about 7 ish. In a way that was bullying. Minor and lasted minutes and for me was isolated.
Now as an adult and all through my adult years I’ve been embarrassed and ashamed and wonder if that classmate was bullied routinely. Makes me sick to my stomach and I wish very strongly I hadn’t and could somehow say sorry. I remember her name and can picture her far more clearly than friends at school. It Probably on it’s own wasn’t something she would remember but may have been a pattern for her. That’s really what worries me to this day.
I was later bullied myself at around 13 at rough comprehensive and fought my way to gaining respect from my bullyers.
I was also once suspended from school for telling a teacher to stop bullying a fellow classmate.
Ended up at the criminal bar - mostly defence. Think that’s not unconnected.
Complex.

I wasn't a bully but over 30 years ago at primary school my friends and I made up a poem about the school prefects and we called one who had braces "ugly" and I am so sorry and ashamed of doing that and have been for years. It was a one off thing and I have absolutely no idea why we would do that. Just thinking about it now is making me feel awful again.

People like to talk about bullies as these evil awful people but a lot is just kids being kids. It doesn't make it less awful for the victims but most mean teenagers grow up into normal adults.

I dont think they realise, as quite often, theyre bullied or abused at home, so to them, it’s normal.

I know of three. One is a yoga instructor, one is an electrician and another is a professional boxer - now retired. All came from deprived, abusive homes. The electrician was sexually abused by a stranger when he was 14.