To wonder how school bullies feel as adults?

[NeonIcedcoffee]

I'm just thinking about how people who were bullies at school feel about it as adults. I went to a really crappy comp which served a number of socially deprived areas. Bullying was absolutely rife. This included physical violence. There was also lots of general intimidation and taking of things from people.
I experience a bit of bullying but it was for a relatively short time. So I'm less thinking about personal experience or wanting closure for myself if that makes sense.

I left secondary school in 2003 for context. I'm not sure if bullying is less tolerated now?

Anyway somone who was really vile and an awful bully popped up on my people you may know on Facebook. She just looked normal now. It made me think do people who behave like this know they were bullies? Do they feel bad?

I'm not talking about the normal politics of friendships in teenage years. That obviously goes on all the time. We probably all behaved selfishly or unkindly as teenagers! I'm thinking of proper bullies here.

Name changed for this as even though I shouldn't, I feel embarrassed and ashamed, even now. I was severely bullied throughout high school. I was very quiet and shy and had a really big long nose. I'd say at least a third of the entire school (younger years as well) bullied me. Every day, at least on average 10 kids would mock me, call me names, etc. I would also hear them whispering and laughing amongst themselves about me.

I heard every comment. I heard every snigger. Indeed I can actually remember exactly where I was standing or walking, or walking in between classes when someone said it, and who it was. I am 44 years old. And even today, I still remember exactly where I was when some of the worst ones happened. I felt so depressed, so hurt, but mostly I felt ashamed of myself. I did not WANT to stand out. I wanted to be a plain Jane (apologies to anyone on here named Jane), I wanted to blend in and walk to school, flying under the radar, not noticed. Instead, I stood out for my looks, and I hated being ugly. I would wait til I got home and had a cry, then came out to see my parents (too ashamed of myself to tell them) or cry at night. I never thought you actually could - but I remember feeling a pain in my heart most of the time it was happening. I just wanted to be normal. I wanted to be invisible.

And it's not like it was one or two people - it was relentless. When it is several people, spread out over the day, it is an onslaught that never ends. It was everywhere I turned, someone made a nasty comment or sniggered. At times it felt like it was the whole school. It was a cumulative affect of many people emotionally wearing me down. Every day. To this day it still affects me and my relationships with others. I have Chronic Depression.

From my experience, the bullies came from good homes, and knowing of a few of the families, the bullies were quite close to their parents, went on and had successful careers, and were and are popular. It may be true in some circumstances, but I don't buy into the bad home life thing. That is not the experience I've had/seen. And unfortunately I don't think many regret it because as others have said, it wasn't a big deal to them. They were just one person mocking me. But that one person soon becomes at least 50 or 60, and it is relentless. Many probably have no idea that I heard them, but I heard every comment. Every one. To them, they were engaging in banter about the ugly girl. To me, it was more and more and more nasty comments that made me feel worthless. They don't realise the lifelong and lasting harm they cause. They have no idea. No idea at all. No idea whatsoever that there is someone out there that they have caused lifelong psychological and emotional harm to. And how could they possibly understand? They can never understand what they've done. That said, I would welcome any apologies that come my way, as a form of healing for me, but no one has contacted me so far.

I can't remember any bullies at school, (and I wasn't one, in case that's what everyone's thinking - like that old joke that every group of friends has a psycho and if yours doesn't, it's you). At my last work place however, there was a poisonous person who always drew attention to anyone being late even though he spent a full hour in the toilet every day. He also killed two other people's friendship by bad mouthing one of them whenever he was out of the room, and made "joking" comments about another person's weight all the time even though he was quite hefty himself. It was that that made me think someone had made those exact weight comments to him at school and this was his way of dealing with it. I could be wrong and he was always a prick.

One of the worst in our school wrote an apologetic post on Friends Reunited, when social media first started. She'd been through something very traumatic and it had shown her how awful she'd been.

It was interesting to read but I can't say 13 year old me forgives her.

There are a lot of really crappy adults around. I suspect that truly awful teenaged bullies grow into truly awful adults.

I don't like it when people make excuses for bullies, either. Kids being kids is one thing. We all remember times that we could've stood up and helped another kid or been kinder. That's normal. Being an awful bully, either through physical threats/violence or verbal attacks, is something else. I don't believe that's just being a kid. It's horrible, no matter how old you are.

When I was 11/12 I bullied two girls. I did it simply to feel powerful; I didn't have a bad home life or any other excuse except self esteem that liked the boost.

We moved into high school at age 13 and I never spoke to either again, nor did I bully anyone else after that.

I feel very bad about it as an adult. I am obviously quite a bit more mature now and more conscious of the impact my actions can have. Quite simply, I've grown up.

One of my school bullies is married to someone my husband knows and used to work with. Of their 3 kids he is the father of only 2. He took on the other child who is the result of an affair because he believes it's not the child fault.

Her sil cheated on her brother. Cue her posting all over fb about how much of a skank she is, she is a disgusting cheat, her brother deserves more and when she gets her hands on the woman no one will want her again. So she clearly hasn't changed and it's still one rule for her and another for the rest of the world.

The only thing that media be going some days is the belief that one day those types of people will get their just deserts and I am able to hold my head high knowing Ive never hurt someone or made their lives a misery just so I can feel better about myself.

I think a lot of them don’t even realise what utter wankers they were tbh.

I’m friends with some people who definitely low-level bullied me on Facebook. They just seem to have grown out of it. I’m actually pretty friendly with a couple as we have kids of similar ages. I don’t really hold their teenage behaviour against them, it was just part of the culture at the school at the time. There was this attitude that anyone slightly different or individual people as a complete freak which I don’t think exists so much anymore.

There are other people who were absolutely hideous that I am definitely not so forgiving of though. And I’d imagine they are still utter arseholes. One in particular was always very clever and I’d imagine he’s a really successful business type now. Probably still a complete misogynist and fits in very well in the corporate world.

I am certain many bullies simply don't realise the impact their behaviour had, and just remember things that to them were funny, silly, jokey etc.

I read in a book (sorry can’t remember the title) that in high school we were all the bully and the bullied.

I did some pretty horrible things as a teen through high school. I look back now and see that some of it was most definitely bullying.

Looking back I’d been treated pretty rubbish at Primary School so my way of stopping that happening at High School was to make myself look big and tough.

I obviously regret it now as an adult. I haven’t meet any of the people involved since leaving school and growing up but would hope I’d be a big enough person to apologise if I did.

@D4rwin

I don't know. You could ask a tv / radio presenter down in the south west. She had a lot of front. She'd probably find a way to further her career out of it. I've been contacted by her since school, as far as I could tell it was to glorify her involvement with a charity as all her own brilliance. I'm glad she found a job that gives her the attemtion she craves. I hope she has No one junior to her. I doubt she's ever reflected on things. Cold as ice.

Her name doesn't begin with J does it? If it's who I think it is she bullied me out of a house purchase about 30 years ago. Still a bully

Tbh, in terms of bullying at younger ages (probably sort of pre teen) I hold the various adults who were around at the time more responsible.

Schools have changed. At my school teachers were almost joining in at worst, at best openly turning a blind eye to the way some girls in particular behaved like Regina George.

I found that physical bullying was rapidly squashed, but anything else simply got ignored.

I was a horrific bully to a girl in the year below me. I have no idea why I did it. I was hateful. I think I was about 7.
I would call her the same name every playtime it was quite a stupid name not swearing or anything so not obviously offensive which is how I think it wasn’t noticed but I was relentless and spiteful with it and I literally done know why I did it
I feel terribly guilty about it still

Carolines100

Brave confession.

I was mostly subject to the bullying but the worst thing about bullying is it makes you miserable yourself so you say bad things back. I once had been hounded relentlessly about my appearance all day and having been ignoring it as best as I could, snapped and retaliated saying something really sharply to the ring leader that drew attention to a facial feature that I'm sure bothered her. Now as an adult I look back and it's the one thing I regret saying, it was merciless and two wrongs didnt make a right.

I had a school friend who was awful to me, I won’t give details but sneaky, turning friends against me, that sort of thing. She has had a pretty normal life, but she’s one of those people who thrives on drama and with it is abusive. Back in the 80s/90s it was seen as all right for a girl to sulk, cold shoulder, belittle, cry to get what she wants, it was ‘schoolgirl behaviour’.

Once we left school she did it to her boyfriends and I regularly got all the news from her about how awful she behaved towards them and their families. Of course I was filtering it through my experience of her but she wasn’t to know that, she thought she was just living the soap opera-tastic dream 🙄

From what I see on FB nothing has changed and tbh it gives me a little bit of pleasure to see that she’s still a really unpleasant spoilt child at almost 50. She’d have a label now - probably narcissistic because that’s what we call anyone manipulative but I think she’s just a hideous person, and clearly fairly unhappy. Good.

TensandUnits it's good of you to admit it but the sad thing is that age 7 adults should have intervened.

If you're the type of person who gets off on humiliating others, you wont be the type of person who later feels remorse. It's a different breed.

@noidontwatchloveisland yes that's it physical bullying they are shit hot on. The verbal drip drip drip is ignored.

@destroyedbybullying that sounds absolutely horrendous. I too know how badly a comment from someone can make you feel even if you weren't meant to hear it.
I hope you are happier in your life now, but know this, you have been put on this earth to be you and only you. Regardless of what you look like, you are special and you are worthy of any life you want to live.
You are not defined by what others think about you as that says more about them than you. I hope you've managed to have some successful therapy about your awful experiences because life is too short for you to always think of yourself as that person x

I don’t think they realised sadly. I have absolutely no idea why I did it in a way I wish I knew.
I feel absolutely awful to this day I never bullied before or after that but for some reason for a few months I made someone’s life hell and I actually feel dreadful I can see her face now and if that was my child now I’d be heartbroken I was a really shitty child at that stage

I was bought up in a very rural village there were only 4 or 5 other girls everything was fine until a new girl moved on. Somehow she very quickly turned everyone against me I have no reason why.
My life was awful for many years.
Now and again I still see her in town. I glare at her, in my head just willing her to try and engage with me hopefully I make her feel really uncomfortable.
I doubt she feels any remorse though,probably still surrounds herself with people she can control.

A school bully from my school, now in her early 40s was recently seen on Facebook ranting about how her son's school had been so unfair suspending him for bullying - 'normal playground antics' as she put it. So from my experience school bullies grow up to raise the next generation of school bullies sadly!

Mine (or at least one of them) was diagnosed as schizophrenic in her twenties.

Not sure what to take from that except to be angry at the illness....

doubt any of them give me a second thought. Yet the effects of their bullying have lasted a lifetime for me.

This is so true, they give you a death sentence whilst they get on with their lives. I can also see that they’ve done so well for themselves, still the best of friends, have boyfriends, some married and with children etc. Whilst I have none of these things. I disagree that they had problems in their home life. They were just nasty and liked making fun of everyone. I really don’t think they realised how they were and there is definitely no remorse. I had a lot of people make fun of me because of a distinctive feature. The things I’ve heard Haunt me everyday. Many would laugh and snigger behind my back. I could’ve done so well at schooo but I just had no motivation to study.

I don’t believe people have changed unless they apologise. It’s great to see that some of people’s bullies have reached out.

I was picked on from age 10-18.
A close relative of my husbands is engaged to one of the girls who used to pick on me.
Long story short we can now be in the same room together and just about deal with it. She has apologised although she claims it was just “childish pranks” and “being funny” my physical scars bear brunt to her not being funny at all.
She is still engaged, although she’s definitely not very popular amongst her fiancée family.