How do I feel?
Regretful and ashamed.
I try not to think about it.
If I were to apologise i would worry it might stir up unpleasant memories for those I harmed.
I was a shy awkward child, not good at games or socialising with people. I kept to myself and was obsessive about my own interests but not really interested in many of the same things the other girls were..I had an unhappy home life but nobody would have had any idea about it because I wasn't poor or covered in bruises. I didn't have the words to describe what home was like because i t was the way it was and didn't know anything else than being scared of my dad's moods. I also struggled with certain school subjects and thing either children could do more easily but I could read very well and excelled at anything literary.
and since primary achool , other kids would exclude me, taunt me, make up nasty stories about me, cal me names. I ended up feeli mg defective, shameful , and like I was just an ugly mess. I was shouted a and punished at home, my dad had terrifying mood swings and my teachers shouted at me..
It was all low level stuf f.but it mAde me feel.worthless and angry 'll the time...and then in top gear at primary so boys and another girl pushed me to the ground and pinned me.down so they could take my clothes off, well my akirt.and underwear, and look at my body.
I felt.dirty all over.again, and stupid....around that time I had started hitting other kids when they made hurtful comments to me. Sadly.I started occasionally hitting my friends even if they gently teased me. Even friendly teasing I couldn't handle I was very sensitive and self pitying. Oh I could.give myself a slap looking back , for being so uptight about everything. My parents were very religious and used to tell me I had a big ego which was why I hurt so easily over minor things. If my dad called me fat and mocked me, which he did a lot, I would self harm by cutting or scratching.
At secondary school a couple of girls started bullying me and I lashed out one day during a hockey lesson at school. Hitting her ankle with my stick. a few days later she was diagnosed with blood clot .
I used to do weird things like after an incident of bullying, I would make things worse for myself . I started bullying other girls so I would be hated even more and punished...I don't know why because I hated being bullied but I didn't like myself either and I think I was trying to make other kids and also teachers feel.sorry for me b y setting myself up as a victim. Like I used to pretend to steal things so I would get told off and also then I would cry.and hope they'd feel sorry for me
I hated myself but at same time I wanted others to take care of me...and give me lots of attention but also see I'd been wronged. I didn't have high self esteem but I had some need to be vindicated and seen as a victim by other a
to this day when I meet others I don't expect them to like me. Ao!stones the bullies would pretend to be nice to me then they'd do something nasty so I never knew when to trust people or not... I am quite socially anxious by nature and struggle with feeling others are whispering about me and talking about me or judging me.
In my 20s I had been struggling with my mental health and was eventually diagnosed with a personality.disorder one of the symptoms was emotional dysregulation. I wasn't really helped much at the time just given high dosees of meds. I was also battling an illness I had had for some t ime physically and was gaining weight and had awful PMS. lATEr on, is be diagnosed with PCO S. My friend had for years been a good friend to me, sticking by me even though I was a bit of a birch to her at times and one day we had a massive.row...She was saying about how I was feeling sorry for myself and depressed all the time but my parents were so nice to me and I was so lucky.I just lost it with her. Started telling her how my father is verbally and emotionally abusive and had been violent with us in the past. She said she didn't think I was telling the truth because my dad always was nice when she was there. She said in was making up my health issues, something which she had told me before. I intended to slap her face but missed and ended up pus hing her into the road, she much smaller than me. so yeah that friendship ended because o f my self pity and nasty temper
So I do have a lot of shame when I look at how badly I treated people.
I know the bullying I went through still affects me to this day...I feel unsafe around most people.and just dirt. So I am guessing my victims felt the same.and may be still do
sorry this is badly written. I am a rubbish typist
I did get my karma though. I am now on disability and a size 26. My victims have grown up to have good careers and families. So in a way, justice has been served
Maybe they will never get over what one is to them...but they can look at their lives and know they have succeeded in spite of me being horrible
The girl I pushed into the road was so pretty but had quite bad acne for which she took medication. We went to a youth camp thimg, a christian thing, and one day she moved some of my clothes from our shared drawe r and I don't like when people rearrange my things , it feels chaotic to me, and I shouted at her, slammed the drawer in her hand and called her a spotty.little bitch
After that big row.we had years later she wrote to me and told me others had told her she needed to dump me but she said she hadn't the courage to do it until now. She said we had always had a destructive relationship, which amazed me because although I knew I was nasty to her, she never did dump !e until then so I didn't see our relationship as abusive. When I thought of abusive relationships I think of people like my parents. Violence and verbal abuse, my mother scared to leave and not being allowed to anyone because of their faith....why do I mention this? Because I didn't see myself
f.aS a bully. I felt like a monster and would cut myaelf.after.being nasty but I didn't see myself as an abuser. I wasn't a queen b sort of person with high self esteem or good looks.. I always saw myself as the under dog..
so sometimes I think we former bullies do lack empathy and insight. As a child in was shy and sensitive , cares about animals.but somewhere along the line I lost that sensitivity. My parents used to say it is because I have PCOS and therefore that makes me aggressive