To wonder how school bullies feel as adults?

[NeonIcedcoffee]

I'm just thinking about how people who were bullies at school feel about it as adults. I went to a really crappy comp which served a number of socially deprived areas. Bullying was absolutely rife. This included physical violence. There was also lots of general intimidation and taking of things from people.
I experience a bit of bullying but it was for a relatively short time. So I'm less thinking about personal experience or wanting closure for myself if that makes sense.

I left secondary school in 2003 for context. I'm not sure if bullying is less tolerated now?

Anyway somone who was really vile and an awful bully popped up on my people you may know on Facebook. She just looked normal now. It made me think do people who behave like this know they were bullies? Do they feel bad?

I'm not talking about the normal politics of friendships in teenage years. That obviously goes on all the time. We probably all behaved selfishly or unkindly as teenagers! I'm thinking of proper bullies here.

A girl who was absolutely vile to me at school apologised when we were 20ish.

One of my closest friends at school was horrible. She was just a really nasty girl. She'd turn on you and make your life hell (the line from Mean Girls about it was better to be in the Plastics hating life than not be in it at all, rang true with me), I often wonder how she'd feel if her daughter turned out like she did.

@NeonIcedcoffee

This!

I personally wouldn't appreciate an apology not because I'm unwilling to forgive but because I don't want any contact from people associated with that experience. I also wouldn't attend any sort of reunion.

I was bullied for my first year at secondary school. I've no idea why it stopped and it didn't actually affect me badly although I do remember it from time to time.
It was two girls in my year but not my form
They are now both Social workers and remain friends

I've had three heartfelt emails years afterwards from three separate people apologising for their behaviour to me. It felt good to be recognised and validated. But ironically they were far from the worst culprits. I had forgiven them long before they wrote to me.

If the minds of children and teens aren't formed properly until they're 25, then I received this bullying over around a decade of my own formative brain years.

So it's no wonder I'm still living with the aftermath.

If any of my bullies tried to apologise (chance would be a fine thing) I cannot and would not forgive them. My mental and emotional health has never recovered from what I went through.

It isn't about forgiving them for their sake. Remaining angry forever hurts you much more than it hurts them. I know this only too well. I stayed angry with my abusive F for many years but it hardly hurt him, especially as he's been dead for 22 years. One time (I was alone in the house) I was so angry that I kicked the bath panels and broke them. It was embarrassing to explain how they were broken when we called someone in to replace them.

Letting go the anger (well not completely, sometimes I still feel resentful for the damage he caused me) actually freed me from the power he had over me. Previously, it was as if he had a hold over me from beyond the grave. He was still in my head.

I had a couple of instances where s gang of girls used to be vile ( to everyone not just me). One was big tall and large so physically able to take on most people.

I later went to a different college but met them randomly one evening. The were lovely and quite posh (we had used the shanky home life scenario for their behaviour)l I think they enjoyed the bit of power and had no real ideal that threatening and intimidating a year group had long lasting effects.

for all those who have suffered and have painful memories.

Years ago now, when ‘Friends Reunited’ was a thing, a couple of people from my old secondary modern contacted each other - the level of ‘banter’ suggested they hadn’t evolved at all. I suspect for some (especially those from smaller communities) staying in your ‘gang’ as an adult is comforting, hence you’re going to recreate those roles in adult life, and not have cause to question your behaviour.

I grew up in a small community, and by the age of 17/18 I knew I couldn’t stay there - I’d been so badly bullied throughout school that there was no ‘gang’ my own age for me. Older adults tended to take a ‘didn’t do you any harm’ attitude, and if someone said that to me now I’d challenge them. It did a huge amount of harm and it has affected all areas of my life. The fact I’m standing upright, am functional and able to enjoy life now is down to me and quite a lot of therapy.

I’m at a stage in life now where there are fewer and fewer reasons to go ‘home’ apart from one or two decent people with whom I’m still in contact.

Sadly, the general stats’ suggest pure bullies go on to be happy enough adults; the groups who suffer lasting harm are the victims and people who have been both bully and victim.

I was bullied throughout secondary school. And like a couple of PP own experiences, it was relentless everyday drip drip from what felt like every child in my year group and a few on the year groups above and below. I was the accepted target for everyone. Even those bullied by others felt safe enough to bully me.

Someone else up thread said we shouldn’t blame the bullies as they were still developing themselves. Well you know what? SO WAS I.

And the same caused by 5 years of continuous emotional abuse (because that’s what we’re talking about here, whether it’s done by adults or peers, it’s ABUSE) has PERMANENTLY damaged me. During the years I was developing as a person, while my brain was developing emotionally, I was emotionally abused every single day.

And whilst I suppose for the most part you could say I’m ‘over it’ in that I don’t think about these people hardly ever, in many other ways it will be a part of me for the rest of my life.

It has shaped the person I grew up to be, for better and worse. I will never know who I might have been had I not suffered 5 years of this abuse. It has massively and negatively affected how I form relationships with others.

When I was at school, I would do anything to avoid having to go to the toilets during school hours. I would hold it as long as physically possible to avoid having to go. I didn’t always make it in time. And even now, after all these years, I still leave it to the last minute. And I still occasionally don’t quite get there in time.

The only time I ended up outside the headteacher's office was when my bully, who would pull my hair, pinch me, call me names, all pretty low-grade stuff, tried yanking a hair clip out of my hair. I snapped and attacked her. I hit and kicked her. I was not ever one to retaliate but she just pissed me off one too many times. The headteacher let me off with a detention. He knew the girl was a known bully and excluded her for the rest of the week. She still lives in my shitty home town, has the same name, but I don't have Facebook so can't do any more digging . But she was a class A bitch, she bullied others far worse than me. She didn't try bullying me again after I bruised her. I never got into trouble again after that.

@Mittens030869

It isn't about forgiving them for their sake. Remaining angry forever hurts you much more than it hurts them. I know this only too well. I stayed angry with my abusive F for many years but it hardly hurt him, especially as he's been dead for 22 years. One time (I was alone in the house) I was so angry that I kicked the bath panels and broke them. It was embarrassing to explain how they were broken when we called someone in to replace them.

Letting go the anger (well not completely, sometimes I still feel resentful for the damage he caused me) actually freed me from the power he had over me. Previously, it was as if he had a hold over me from beyond the grave. He was still in my head.

This is very wise. You can forgive and make the inside of your head a nicer place to be WITHOUT advocating being treated badly. I'm in the process of doing this and it took me to go to Buddhism class to know this was true. Not easy, however.

I'm sure they are just as pig headed now. I doubt they will have any idea of the hurt and damage they caused

@whattodo2019

I'm sure they are just as pig headed now. I doubt they will have any idea of the hurt and damage they caused

Sadly I think you're right. I would imagine many bullies never actually give their behaviour past or present a second thought.

I cant imagine 30 years or so later still being so bitter and angry about it. It was a different time and my life has moved on

That's fine for you. Everybody else has the right to feel how they feel. They are perfectly able to be angry 30, 40, 50, 60 years later. Would you say the same to a person who was abused by adults as a child? Bullying is abuse too.

And, my final post on this thread- I am, truly and genuinely sorry for what I did. I regret it every day, and I will regret it forever. If I could go back and change things, I would.
There are no excuses, no reasons for what I did. But I deeply, deeply wish I had not done it. I really hope that the people concerned have gone on to have happy lives.
So, some do feel regret. But they would be unlikely to post here if they didn't regret it, and those who are saying they do are probably in the minority, sadly.

@20mum

Genuinely confused by your post. Not dismissing it because everyone has the right to their viewpoint but I am completely at a loss. Are you blaming victims for being victims? I think you are saying bullies will always be bullies and find careers where they can perpetrate this?

”I cant imagine 30 years or so later still being so bitter and angry about it. It was a different time and my life has moved on.”

I envy you for being able to leave this so firmly in the past, @Dumakey - but I haven’t been able to do the same.

By the time I was 14, I was having suicidal thoughts - if I had been able to get at enough medication, I might not even be here. Sadly no-one realised at the time that I was clinically depressed - I didn’t get formally diagnosed until I was in my 40s, but looking back, I can see I have suffered from episodes of depression for most of my life. When I had my three dses, it was diagnosed as PND, but I think it was more likely to be episodes of depression complicated by PND - it explains why the hormone treatment I tried for PND didn’t really work, and why the PND didn’t lift as peop,e said it would, when my hormones returned to normal.

My life has been blighted by depression, anxiety and low self esteem - I do not even like myself. I despise myself - my weakness, my obesity, my inability to diet or to do anything to actually take care of myself. I am amazed when people want to be my friend, and don’t consider myself worthy of friendship or love.

I take antidepressants, and I have had both group therapy and individual Cognitive Behavioral Therapy, and I try to use the techniques I learned there to improve my state of mind, but it is a daily battle - and I blame the bullying and the bullies for all of it.

Can you understand why it is nigh impossible of me to ‘leave it in school’?

I cant believe someone wrote "bully magnets"!

I was bullied for a couple of years towards rne end of secondary school by a group of boys - really nasty and persistent bullying about my appearance. Noone has bullied me since and that was over 20 years ago now.

What is it about the phrase ‘bully magnets’ that you find unbelievable, @gypsywater?

@SDTGisAnEvilWolefGenius
Erm....the level of offensiveness, perhaps?

"I cant believe someone wrote "bully magnets"! "

I think you CAN unwittingly attract it in a way just by being weak and not confident. What really upset me about pp's comment was that she claimed it would be forever.

Saying that someone is a 'Bully magnet' implies that somehow it is their 'fault' and that they are attracting the abuse..that's quite devastating for a victim to hear.