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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To think my boss's wife is being paranoid

445 replies

Hop27 · 20/11/2020 08:01

Work closely with my boss, I'm the most senior person in his management team. We had a big win recently so went out to celebrate (with partners), it ended up being a boozy night. As I went to leave with my DH I hugged everyone goodbye. The next day my boss was worried that he'd been a little over familiar, because his wife pulled him up on it saying he'd been inappropriate.
A few weeks later, we are in another city with work it had been a big day and we had a late dinner in the hotel bar, with a couple of drinks. His wife called around 10pm and said again he was being inappropriate drinking with me alone. He then got the cold treatment for the rest of the trip, she wouldn't take his calls etc and you could tell he was upset. I am doing the wrong thing? I enjoy his company, but that's it I am very happily married. Is she paranoid or am I over stepping the mark by having a drink with him?

OP posts:
Nessashanessa · 20/11/2020 11:21

@RedToothBrush

Regardless of whether you were right or wrong its wildly inappropriate for the boss's wife to ring a more junior member of staff and rant at them for their behaviour. Its potentially intimation and harassment and she leaves her husband open to scenarios like constructive dismissal.

Its simply not her place to contact you. And unless you had given her your number in the uk that would be a data breech for her to contact you at all.

What she is happy or unhappy with is a private matter between her and her husband and quite frankly not your fucking problem.

Where has the op said that her bosses wife rang her and ranted? You've just made this up. Projection much? @Hop27 I don't see anything wrong with your behaviour. However your boss is being totally inappropriate by telling you about his wife's concerns. It's not your business.
Roselilly36 · 20/11/2020 11:28

She sounds insecure, and who knows perhaps she has good reason to be, you don’t know about their marriage.

I don’t think you have done anything wrong. It’s about her and their marriage rather than you. Perhaps his wife is jealous.

InJest · 20/11/2020 11:30

Well this thread is depressing.

OP, ditch the hugs, only because judging by this thread this wont be the only time in your career that you'll encounter women who view you as a threat for it. Otherwise, carry on as you are.

pessimistiquerealistique · 20/11/2020 11:31

Maybe he isn't as attentive as he used to be and his wife tries to find out the reason.

TatianaBis · 20/11/2020 11:32

As others will have said without knowing whether he has form for over-familiarity/emotional/physical affairs it’s unknowable whether she’s being paranoid or cautious.

If he has no previous she’s being paranoid, if he’s strayed before she’s keeping an eye on him.

Aneley · 20/11/2020 11:33

I do agree with those who say that a brief goodbye hug given to everyone present or a dinner/drink with a colleague is nothing wrong.

However, 'boozing' is a different category in my book. Someone here said 'I bet those people are real fun at parties' - well, for most people professional value is not determined by how fun they are at parties (unless they're a DJ or a hostess). Regardless of hours - this is still a professional relationship and the behaviour should reflect that.

Re: hugs - only you will know if it was inappropriate because there are hugs (quick, light) and 'hugs' (longer, lingering, pressing body parts to someone else's). From what you wrote, it seems it was wife's overreaction rather than an overstep from you... and maybe you just had an unfortunate choice of words to describe having 1-2 drinks after a meeting with your boss. But if you genuinely went 'boozing' with him, then yes - his wife has some grounds to be unhappy.

He on the other hand is totally overstepping by sharing his marital problems and hiccups with you.

BlueThistles · 20/11/2020 11:34

I’m really shocked by the responses here and disheartened to see how many quite frankly nasty people there are on here!

It doesn’t sound like you’ve done anything wrong at all OP, but maybe just try and be sensitive to her feelings especially if you’re out together as a group.

Agreed.... 🌺

Mittens030869 · 20/11/2020 11:43

There’s nothing to suggest that you did anything wrong, OP, but your boss really shouldn’t have told you what his DW said; I would be very upset if my DH did that. Their marriage issues should be kept between them.

The hugging would make me feel uncomfortable, especially if you hugged everyone, because I would then feel pressured into having a hug as well and I’m definitely not touchy freely. I hug close friends and immediate family, but work colleagues? Just no.

Mittens030869 · 20/11/2020 11:46

And with a pandemic going on, hugging isn’t wise anyway, considering that this is a virus that spreads from people who are asymptomatic.

GoodbyePorpoiseSpit · 20/11/2020 11:50

URGGH THIS THREAD!!!!

It's the very worst of mumsnet distilled into a few judgy, misogynistic, nasty and pious posts.

OP - if you are still there don't worry there are some kind, thoughtful and nuanced posters on here. Just not on this thread.

CovidAnni · 20/11/2020 11:53

@borntohula

As other posters have said he's testing the OP's boundaries by introducing the concept of infidelity and 'inapporiateness' but not 'owning it'
Pay attention @Hop27

Badger342 · 20/11/2020 11:56

I read the first few pages, but honestly some of the responses are so weird. If his wife doesn’t like it, then I do think she’s being overly paranoid but that’s their issue and his to resolve, and very much not your problem. You’ve done nothing wrong OP. Since your husband was also present, I don’t see how hugging could be inappropriate. Maybe she sees it as crossing boundaries and being overly familiar with a work colleague? Maybe she also wouldn’t be happy with him being too pally with male colleagues if she’s used to more of a separation between work and home friends? Their issue to deal with. If he isn’t comfortable with hugging then he needs to say something at the time.

I don’t see why two colleagues working away together wouldn’t have a drink and meal together in the evening. It’s not a date. It’s necessary food and drink with the only other person you know there. It’d be a shame if that was banned in the future, but either way you’ve done nothing wrong and their trust issues are their own.

TidyOmlette · 20/11/2020 11:58

Jesus there are some right judgy ass women on this post!

OP you have done nothing wrong and there is NOTHING wrong with drinking alone with him. His wife has trust issues and that’s down to them not you to fix. If you suddenly change your behaviour she would think you are trying to hide something.

Aridane · 20/11/2020 12:00

Ugh - blurred boundaries . Unprofessional

TagMeQuick · 20/11/2020 12:07

If your husband was off for a large part of the week and in another city and celebrating out until late drinking alone with another woman and you're at home looking after the kids, had a busy busy day making sure they're all fixed up, done school, got home, given them dinner, done loads of washing etc and then you find out your partner is living it up in a hotel bar with someone else it would probably make me feel a bit insecure.

I'd want to know why a large part of his time and success and happiness was being shared with someone else.

I'd expect him at 10pm to cut it short, come home, phone me and talk to me for at least 30 mins and reconnect.

No wonder his wife feels insecure. I'd give my husband shit too if he was always celebrating the high times, good times, out with someone else, even if it was a man - it would get annoying.

There comes a time in everyone's life when you have to grow up and put family first.

There's nothing wrong with drinking with a man alone but it's everything else.

Perhaps she's a stay at home Mum? Perhaps he really doesn't spent enough time with her to make her feel valued - and if you're a really kind person - you'd reflect that question back to him to help him work out if he is doing enough and help that marriage and take the onus off you and it being all about you doing something wrong and help that woman feel better about herself.

People may say oh it's not your problem - but maybe it is. Maybe he doesn't do enough at home. Why else would she be worried. No smoke without fire - usually.

Brefugee · 20/11/2020 12:08

Blimey. I used to go for boozy meals with my boss and colleagues, no hugging because I'm not a hugger, but boozy nights out? sure thing. The men in my job did it, no reason why i shouldn't

but sure, continue to hold women back because... why?

TagMeQuick · 20/11/2020 12:08

With a woman alone...

AryaStarkWolf · 20/11/2020 12:10

Maybe your boss has form for cheating/being inappropriate with women and that's why the wife is worried, it's probably more about him than you

SchrodingersImmigrant · 20/11/2020 12:13

Temptress and plague spreader😁 Op, op... Go sit in a naughty corner.

Kalula · 20/11/2020 12:14

I too, am from Australia, and from what I've gathered, the UK has a more straightlaced sort of 'prim and proper' attitude. Where as Australians are more relaxed about these things. There is absolutely nothing wrong with giving a colleague a quick hug. And it's not like the OP said they hug every day, they were celebrating a huge contract win, and they were tipsy, so I think that explains it. Unfortunately yes I do think the wife is quite paranoid. She may have reason to be, she may have no reason it's just her. So, I do not think you are being unreasonable.

Please note; we only get a handful of cases - if that - sometimes only 4 cases a day, throughout the entire country of Australia. Many places in Australia still have some restrictions but they are no where near as strict as other countries. Because we've basically got it under control and are on the verge of complete elimination of the virus in the country.

Crustmasiscoming · 20/11/2020 12:20

*As PP's have said, I would bet that there have been infidelity issues in the past, so now his wife is on high alert.

Why?? Because we are either victims or scarlet women trying to steal husbands ( even in front of our own partners in this case).
It is more likely she is just a controlling and insecure!*

No, because he's told the OP that his wife has raised concerns, and said he hoped that he wasn't overly familiar with her. That just screams creep to me. Sounds like he's hoping to stir something up.

Scbchl · 20/11/2020 12:26

I dont see the issue with it. She needs to deal with her insecurities. My boss came back to ours after a night out at xmas last year and my husband went to bed and left the two of us chatting and having a drink..why is it women who are insecure about things like that.

chocolatesaltyballs22 · 20/11/2020 12:29

Before lockdown boozy nights and team away days were a regular occurrence in my team. Men and women mixed. And we were a very huggy team. Everything completely innocent, in fact my best fried at work is a man.

I can only imagine that the people commenting that this is inappropriate have never worked in a corporate environment with a team.

luckylavender · 20/11/2020 12:30

The red flag for me is that he told you. I would hate that. Their marriage is their business but he's made it yours too.

Bookworming · 20/11/2020 12:30

Good to see the Covid police out in full force!

Plenty a boozy night out spent with many colleagues often! Some men, some women, some alone, some i groups.

I work in a male dominated sector and if I didn't mix with men, I'd be on my own a lot.

Please note that hundreds and thousands of men and women are able to work together, socialise together and act appropriately whilst having a drink.

The paranoia of MN is unreal.

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