To think my boss's wife is being paranoid

[Hop27]

Work closely with my boss, I'm the most senior person in his management team. We had a big win recently so went out to celebrate (with partners), it ended up being a boozy night. As I went to leave with my DH I hugged everyone goodbye. The next day my boss was worried that he'd been a little over familiar, because his wife pulled him up on it saying he'd been inappropriate.
A few weeks later, we are in another city with work it had been a big day and we had a late dinner in the hotel bar, with a couple of drinks. His wife called around 10pm and said again he was being inappropriate drinking with me alone. He then got the cold treatment for the rest of the trip, she wouldn't take his calls etc and you could tell he was upset. I am doing the wrong thing? I enjoy his company, but that's it I am very happily married. Is she paranoid or am I over stepping the mark by having a drink with him?

I have some information that a few posters may need to sit down for.

Not every man cheats and not every woman is after your husband!!!!

@TidyOmlette

I have some information that a few posters may need to sit down for.

Not every man cheats and not every woman is after your husband!!!!

😱

@TidyOmlette are you certain? I think you must be mistaken .. surely!!!

Who cares if your boss has “past form” or whatever.
It’s not your fault.
Nor is his wife’s thoughts or feelings or behaviour on you in any way.
It’s not in the least unprofessional to socialise or Etta or drink with work colleagues.

On MN spouses (often) are treated as property- he should be talking to me by X time etc. Really?

And the sanctimonious family first blah blah. Why shouldn’t someone be able to enjoy other human company other than their spouse and children (if they have them)?

What’s “grown up” about controlling people?

@Scbchl

I dont see the issue with it. She needs to deal with her insecurities. My boss came back to ours after a night out at xmas last year and my husband went to bed and left the two of us chatting and having a drink..why is it women who are insecure about things like that.

tbf though all the OP has to go on is whatever her boss told her, the wife may be insecure for good reason, maybe her husband has cheated on her before or crossed lines with women before. It's weird that he even told the OP about it tbh

Etta?? I meant eat out

@Aethelthryth

Women like your boss's wife make it really difficult for women in business to form the sort of work relationships that men do. I'd avoid the hugging but there's nothing wrong with having a drink together- he'd do the same with male colleagues and you with female.

This.

It’s weird everyone is getting stuck into the boss’s wife when we only know what he chose to pass on to the OP. Which is odd enough, but becomes even odder when the argument was about the OP - why would he do that?

A simple Google search would tell the Covid Police what restrictions (or not) are in place in New Zealand...

As a female , if i knew that his wife was upset i would back off a bit. Maybe she is being paranoid but that's life. Tone it down.

Ferrari- Op is in Australia where I believe there's massive variation in the rules.

It may be that his wife has been given a reason to be paranoid - maybe she's been cheated on in the past, maybe by him or by orevious partners, maybe she's already experienced other women trying to come on to her DH or partners in the past and it has made her very wary. Maybe she is picking up vibes from you that she doesn't like. There are some women my DH works with who I have met and who are salt of the earth trustworthy and decent with whom I have no issue with him going for a drink to catch up, however there are others who would get my hackles up instantly and to whom I would object. You get different vibes off different people and act accordingly.

No idea why he told you.

I don't think it really matters whether she is being paranoid or not. Either way, it's causing a problem and that is unlikely to change. I would step back from this kind of contact with your boss...I realise it can't be completely avoided but it can be significantly limited. If he doesn't have any hidden agenda with you then he will probably be very relieved as it will lessen his issues with his wife, and if he does, well...all the more reason to do it as that won't end well for you whatever happens.

@DrinkFeckArseGirls

No idea why he told you.

Yes, I wondered. Could be trying to gauge your reaction to the idea of something happening between you.

It depends what their relationship is like. Maybe he's cheated before. Maybe he treats her poorly. Maybe he's absent too much for her to handle. And your relationship with him is just the icing on the cake.

That what I think too

This sort of thing sorts the girls' girls from the menz's girls.

This sort of thing sorts the girls' girls from the menz's girls

No it sorts the women from the girls. Who has time for this nonsense?

@CovidAnni

He’s being quite canny isn’t he? Testing the water and keeping his powder dry.

Completely agree with this, sounds like he’s putting out feelers...

Can't wait to go tell all the women who come here asking about their partner not letting them spend time with colleagues and giving them a silent treatment when they do, that it must be their own fault because they obviously made them this insecured by cheating or being flirty👍🙄

Controlling behaviour is not ok. Silent treatment for normal colleague interaction is not ok. No matter what sex the person is.

@SchrodingersImmigrant

Can't wait to go tell all the women who come here asking about their partner not letting them spend time with colleagues and giving them a silent treatment when they do, that it must be their own fault because they obviously made them this insecured by cheating or being flirty👍🙄

Controlling behaviour is not ok. Silent treatment for normal colleague interaction is not ok. No matter what sex the person is.

Why would he tell his colleague this level of detail? You’ve been asked a few times and won’t answer, which makes me think you’re more than aware of how shady it is to (supposedly) fall out with your wife about your behaviour with a colleague and then tell that colleague all about it.

You’ve been asked a few times and won’t answer, which makes me think you’re more than aware of how shady

I haven't realised I have been asked that few times?
However, I have replied earlier that if you are spending all day with someone, and something, like an abusive behaviour, is upsetting you, it is often hard to hide it and not talk about it. The explanation that he said about the forst instance is absolutely too plausible. "just checking I was over familiar last night DW thought I'd been inappropriate when you left. Was I ? Sorry i probably shouldn't have had that last wine." is absolutely fine to say. 🤷🏻

As a rule I think it’s preferable if married men don’t spend much time away from home in hotels drinking and dining a deux with female colleagues. It certainly crosses a line that he’s shared a private conversation between him and his wife by discussing her concerns. In her shoes I’d be far more angry about that than the dinner.

@SchrodingersImmigrant

You’ve been asked a few times and won’t answer, which makes me think you’re more than aware of how shady

I haven't realised I have been asked that few times?
However, I have replied earlier that if you are spending all day with someone, and something, like an abusive behaviour, is upsetting you, it is often hard to hide it and not talk about it. The explanation that he said about the forst instance is absolutely too plausible. "just checking I was over familiar last night DW thought I'd been inappropriate when you left. Was I ? Sorry i probably shouldn't have had that last wine." is absolutely fine to say. 🤷🏻

And then ‘she’s just been on the phone again complaining that i spend too much time with you and now is giving me the silent treatment’? Why would he confide in that particular colleague that his wife had a problem with her?

I don't think anything you've done is inappropriate.

However...you don't know the whole story.

For all you know he could have had an affair with a colleague previously for example.

It's their marriage and for them to work through.

If I were you I would continue to act as I normally would and leave colleague and his wife to work through whatever is going on.