To think my boss's wife is being paranoid

[Hop27]

Work closely with my boss, I'm the most senior person in his management team. We had a big win recently so went out to celebrate (with partners), it ended up being a boozy night. As I went to leave with my DH I hugged everyone goodbye. The next day my boss was worried that he'd been a little over familiar, because his wife pulled him up on it saying he'd been inappropriate.
A few weeks later, we are in another city with work it had been a big day and we had a late dinner in the hotel bar, with a couple of drinks. His wife called around 10pm and said again he was being inappropriate drinking with me alone. He then got the cold treatment for the rest of the trip, she wouldn't take his calls etc and you could tell he was upset. I am doing the wrong thing? I enjoy his company, but that's it I am very happily married. Is she paranoid or am I over stepping the mark by having a drink with him?

Ignore all these bonkers people on here saying its inappropriate/lame etc.

You did nothing wrong.

This is for your boss to resolve.

@Lilybet1980

It’s a really sad world we are in now if a woman can’t have a drink alone with a male colleague.

Long way to still go for us to really be able to live without ridiculous shackles. Made by other women...

I'm with his wife on this. Also the fact he's telling you that his wife's concerns shows a complete lack of loyalty to her. Next he'll be telling you she "doesn't understand him".

Feeling assured that I've done nothing wrong, neither has he. We get on well and it's not unusual for us to talk about our lives outside of work. I'm the only senior female in the team, so often it's me and other men. Sorry for the social brag about being out of lock down, I'm hugely thankful that we are past that stage.
And to whoever suggest me heading off to the gym or for a swim instead or dinner with my boss to debrief on a session. Well that seems rude and unprofessional.......more so that giving my team a hug to celebrate an award of a multi million $ contract.

Out of respect for his wife and other reasons, I'd dial it back a bit, OP.

Why does she automatically deserve the respect? Respect is earned. Otherwise we could say that out of respect to OP the wife should stop presuming her and the boss will shag🤷🏻

YANBU - it is completely normal to have male colleagues that you are close to and socialise with. If you hugged everyone else it would have been weirder not to hug him... (although I wouldn't be doing this during Covid even if 'allowed'). And having a drink together after people have left is fine too - she sounds paranoid, but unfortunately if your boss has explicitly said to you he wants to tone it down a bit you should respect that. I work in an industry where this happens all the time, people often have to go away for work together for weeks/months, to not be able to socialise with someone of the opposite gender would be ridiculous.

I’d not be up for hugs - especially not a boozy one.
Are you slightly enjoying the fact his wife is annoyed, OP?

It’s a really sad world we are in now if a woman can’t have a drink alone with a male colleague.

It's not so cut and dry as that though, is it? The guy's making the OP share guilt with him over their 'behaviour'- being a bit tipsy and overly huggy and making his wife uncomfortable. None of us can say whether they were OTT or not (it sounds like they were not too OTT, but who knows?).

@Hop27

Feeling assured that I've done nothing wrong, neither has he. We get on well and it's not unusual for us to talk about our lives outside of work. I'm the only senior female in the team, so often it's me and other men. Sorry for the social brag about being out of lock down, I'm hugely thankful that we are past that stage. And to whoever suggest me heading off to the gym or for a swim instead or dinner with my boss to debrief on a session. Well that seems rude and unprofessional.......more so that giving my team a hug to celebrate an award of a multi million $ contract.

again were you the only merry one kissing/hugging everyone ?

The idea that men and women can't have dinner together because they must have some sort of sexual attraction is ridiculous. One of my best friends is a man I have zero desire to shag him, can't think if anything worse tbh. My husband boss is a woman, last night he had a meeting with her after work. I was annoyed when he got back but not because he had a meeting alone with a woman but because he forgot to pick up a package on his lunch break.
The op has done nothing wrong, if the boss is having marital problems it is on him to modify his behaviour, he shouldn't have even mentioned it to the OP. Going for a meal with a colleague on a work trip is not unusual at all, and neither is having a drink with them. It's up to the person in the marriage to solve the problem by changing behaviour, putting in boundaries etc not his work colleague.

[quote Cheeseandwin5]@Crustmasiscoming
As PP's have said, I would bet that there have been infidelity issues in the past, so now his wife is on high alert.

Why?? Because we are either victims or scarlet women trying to steal husbands ( even in front of our own partners in this case).
It is more likely she is just a controlling and insecure![/quote]
Why? Because the advice which is often given in couples counselling after infidelity and in self help books or forums is for the betrayed and straying spouse to have an “accountability agreement” where these sorts of boundaries are set out.

Speaking for myself, I was very relaxed and laid back about my husband working late, having dinners with female colleagues and hugging and cheek kissing at will until I discovered he’d been unfaithful and there are now very firm boundaries in place around all of this both to ensure that I feel secure AND so he isn’t being wrongly suspected of straying again.

Some women may be controlling from the outset but I think it’s a stretch to say that’s the most likely explanation here (not least because the husband has betrayed his wife’s confidence with the OP)

I think a lot of women on this thread are incredibly insecure. Not sure why drinking with your boss or hugging someone goodbye makes you look “lame” . It’s good to have a good relationship with management and I go out drinking one on one with my female manager all the time. Not only do we go out drinking after work, we’ve gone for meals and gone to do many other things. Nobody has ever batted an eyelid about this. Why is it different that your manager is male? A male and female being alone together doesn’t automatically mean they’re going to start ripping each other’s clothes off.

However, she is perfectly entitled to have whatever boundaries she wants in the marriage. If she isn’t comfortable with him drinking with another woman (suggests to me there’s something that’s caused that issue) then that’s something they need to sort out between themselves. Nothing to do with you.

Why does she automatically deserve the respect? Respect is earned.

Pray tell how this wife can 'earn' the OP's respect? Go on. I am all ears.

Well, he is doing something wrong really if his wife has asked him not to physically hug his junior colleagues, (it upsets her and is generally ill advised) and he is just planning on ignoring her and continuing for no real good reason.

Another angle on this is that he's taking a risk by allowing you to hug him, and having late night drinks with you on his own. My ex was always v careful to avoid these scenarios, to avoid any accusation that he had sexually harassed his female staff

Yes- some ridiculous responses on here.

Having a few drinks when you are on a work trip is totally normal. I don't see anything wrong with hugging if that's company culture and you've worked together a while.

Totally between them - she may have cause due to previous or may be very insecure. I'd avoid the hugging in future but it's up to him how he wants to play the socialising on work trips to manage his relationship.

OP, I don't think you will get the replies you are hoping for on MN. I don't think either of you have behaved inappropriately. If this was the other way round and a husband was behaving in a jealous and oppressive way then everyone would be shouting "abuse". Having said that he clearly has a problem and needs to resolve the issue with his wife, as it is her behaviour that is inappropriate. I work in an office with 4 female colleagues, I am the most senior, we are always discussing our relationships, including the very occasional whinge about our partners, this is perfectly normal.

As a feminist I will defend your right to drink and hug and wear whether you want etc.
But the latent Presbyterian in me says that you might want to moderate your behaviour.
It's a struggle.
As a younger woman I was in a very male dominated environment and drinking together with men was normal. Looking back, I was a pretty 20 something year old and they were probably flattered and if I had been their wives I would probably not have been impressed. But that doesn't mean that I did anything wrong.
If you were a man would the wives have an issue? If they wouldn't have a problem with their husband drinking with a young male colleague then YANBU.

Perhaps your boss is sharing his wife’s discomfort with you as a discreet way of letting you know your behaviour is making him uncomfortable?

I’d drop the hugging and keep things more professional (with everyone).

There are a few paranoid wives, but IMO most of the women expressing such concerns aren’t paranoid or possessive - just astute or informed by bitter experience.

Why would you choose to continue when you now know she - and possibly he - is/are uncomfortable? It’s common respect surely - especially if you have nothing to hide.

It's actually irrelevant wether they're shagging or not. From what OP has said, it seems that the boss is wandering into emotional affair territory, which is equally as devastating.

He's crossed a line by confiding in OP that his wife has raised a concern. What he's done is rally OP around a common enemy. Already your are casting her as paranoid, rather than examining what about his behaviour has caused her to raise this concern. He's setting it up so that he can have you as a confidant when he starts with the "she doesn't understand me, my life is so hard" shite. It won't be long before he starts seeking validation from you OP.

So whilst YOU have done nothing wrong, you still need to consider if you want to be this person for him. As he starts disassociating from his wife and clicking out of life at home, do you want that burden transferred to you?

Out of interest, what is your DH's take on this?

@PersonaNonGarter

Drinking alone with him is inappropriate, yes.

What? @emilyfrost That’s ridiculous. OP can drink with who she likes.

You may have confused ‘drinking with’ and ‘shagging’.

This. If my partner policed my behaviour like this I'd be furious. It's their issue, not yours, but I'd pull away from any future hugs to remain a bit more professional.

SchrodingersImmigrant Just to add, I don't agree with you in the least about your earned respect comment re: the wife, but I always like seeing you on MN and enjoy your comments and insight/thoughts.

You've not read the replies properly if you still think he's not doing anything wrong.

He shouldn't have told you what his wife said and she might have good reason to think he's being unreasonable. You might be friends and get on well but you don't know what he's like as a spouse- you only know what he says he's like.

@Katrinawaves

Fine - so are you saying men who acted in this manner, would be due to their DH likely infidelity? Or is this view only one way?

I would be interested to see a post where you have made similar points where the genders have been reversed.

You've not been inappropriate. I have had many "late night boozy dinners" with male colleagues. In my previous department we'd usually travel in pairs, we'd finish work late and have dinner together over a bottle of wine before retreating to the bar. Totally normal in my industry and no wives of my colleagues ever complained to my knowledge. DP certainly didn't care. The hugging sounds like something over nothing.

The problem here is your boss's wife isn't comfortable with it and for all you know it could be for a legitimate reason (he's a shagger, previous form etc) or as you say she could be a paranoid/insecure type.