To think my boss's wife is being paranoid

[Hop27]

Work closely with my boss, I'm the most senior person in his management team. We had a big win recently so went out to celebrate (with partners), it ended up being a boozy night. As I went to leave with my DH I hugged everyone goodbye. The next day my boss was worried that he'd been a little over familiar, because his wife pulled him up on it saying he'd been inappropriate.
A few weeks later, we are in another city with work it had been a big day and we had a late dinner in the hotel bar, with a couple of drinks. His wife called around 10pm and said again he was being inappropriate drinking with me alone. He then got the cold treatment for the rest of the trip, she wouldn't take his calls etc and you could tell he was upset. I am doing the wrong thing? I enjoy his company, but that's it I am very happily married. Is she paranoid or am I over stepping the mark by having a drink with him?

I think you are out of order with all this hugging. It's not professional. I don't like huggy types.

@Aethelthryth

Women like your boss's wife make it really difficult for women in business to form the sort of work relationships that men do. I'd avoid the hugging but there's nothing wrong with having a drink together- he'd do the same with male colleagues and you with female.

Exactly this! If women can't socialise with their colleagues the same way men can then they will fall behind in their careers. Sad (and perhaps wrong) but true.

My company's culture is also very boozy, and sometimes it's all of us and sometimes just me and a colleague, 99% of the time a man.

In your case, there is clearly some history there where maybe he's been unfaithful in the past hence why she's not very trusting. It really is non of our business though, leave it between him and his wife.

If he was a she and her husband was complaining or her wife, would we automatically assume he's a dog and op must be up for it? (I mean generally across the thread, not pp specifically)? If DH called at 10 to make sure the wife was alone in her room sober would they be ok or a bit controlling?

But it’s irrelevant whether or not she’s controlling, she may well be! It’s the fact it’s now a third-hand account of what she actually said, and the boss felt the need to tell the OP about the argument when it was about her. He wasn’t asking for advice or help, as far as we know. Just dropping into conversation that is his wife is insecure about the OP. Why?

Interesting. Wonder if his wife is actually annoyed or if he's making it up in order to plant the seed in your mind that you two could actually get it on. Don't discredit that, some men are weirdly manipulative. He's setting himself up nicely for 'My wife's a complete psycho, I'm so trapped. Have sex with me so I can taste freedom.'

Fuck me, I appear to have woken up in the Middle Ages. Two people on a work trip, having a meal and a drink. Both in clearly committed relationships where everyone has met everyone’s partner. Travelling for work is a huge drag, are we saying women that travel for work must not drink alcohol, and must stay in their hotel rooms of an evening.
Next it’ll be women who aren’t married aren’t allowed to travel for work at all, the husseys!!

Give, me, strength!!!

Ps. Their relationship is their business, I’d just shrug my shoulders. Nothing to do with me.

@crosstalk

I 100% agree that he has crossed the line by revealing these little tid bits to OP and have said so further down the thread.

Unfortunately he's the boss in this scenario, so people won't really be judging him. It's horrific and I hate that this is the state of the world, but the judgement will most likely be on OP. I personally wouldn't want to be in a position where colleagues MAY have the assumption that I'm leveraging one on one time with the boss. Particularly if it's not true, which appears to be the case here. OP doesn't appear to have done anything wrong, but the boss isn't coming away smelling of roses. For my own piece of mind I'd be pulling away slightly to ensure he doesn't get the wrong impression.

I also asked upthread what OP's partners makes of this, but she hasn't been back to clarify yet so doubt she's seen it. It will be very telling if OP has confided in her DH... if not it suggests it may not be as innocent as she believes it to be.

That should say partner... Plural not intended

@Pumperthepumper

If he was a she and her husband was complaining or her wife, would we automatically assume he's a dog and op must be up for it? (I mean generally across the thread, not pp specifically)? If DH called at 10 to make sure the wife was alone in her room sober would they be ok or a bit controlling?

But it’s irrelevant whether or not she’s controlling, she may well be! It’s the fact it’s now a third-hand account of what she actually said, and the boss felt the need to tell the OP about the argument when it was about her. He wasn’t asking for advice or help, as far as we know. Just dropping into conversation that is his wife is insecure about the OP. Why?

Because he's possibly come back to the table and necked his drink and said he'd better go and ops asked what's up. Or he's checked with her that he hasn't made her uncomfortable and unable to tell him. Or he's whining so op will give him a pity hand job in the stationary cupboard. Who knows. But people do talk about their relationships to people outside of their coupling, why is that inappropriate? He's not in a board room saying "so the other day I copped a feel of Daisy's ass and then my wife started on at me so I've been on the sofa for three nights"

@SomeoneInTheLaaaaaounge

Fuck me, I appear to have woken up in the Middle Ages. Two people on a work trip, having a meal and a drink. Both in clearly committed relationships where everyone has met everyone’s partner. Travelling for work is a huge drag, are we saying women that travel for work must not drink alcohol, and must stay in their hotel rooms of an evening. Next it’ll be women who aren’t married aren’t allowed to travel for work at all, the husseys!!

Give, me, strength!!!

Surely a female chaperone would solve the problem? Women can only travel in two's sharing a twin room.

@NotSurprisedReally

Interesting. Wonder if his wife is actually annoyed or if he's making it up in order to plant the seed in your mind that you two could actually get it on. Don't discredit that, some men are weirdly manipulative. He's setting himself up nicely for 'My wife's a complete psycho, I'm so trapped. Have sex with me so I can taste freedom.'

That's very likely too. I work with a creep who does that and have come across more than a few of them.

Because he's possibly come back to the table and necked his drink and said he'd better go and ops asked what's up. Or he's checked with her that he hasn't made her uncomfortable and unable to tell him. Or he's whining so op will give him a pity hand job in the stationary cupboard. Who knows. But people do talk about their relationships to people outside of their coupling, why is that inappropriate? He's not in a board room saying "so the other day I copped a feel of Daisy's ass and then my wife started on at me so I've been on the sofa for three nights"

It’s inappropriate because the OP then comes on to mumsnet to ask complete strangers to then get stuck into his wife for being paranoid. Regardless of his reasons for telling her, he’s the one who included the OP in his argument with his wife.

People will judge you on how you present yourself. If you're all over other men, they're going to smirk and make assumptions, if you're all over their husband, they have a right to tell him they don't want a creep who let's you feel them up.

Indeed, if you have allowed men to see you ankles or been near a man unchaperoned then the lurid imaginings of others and the hostility you may receive are your fault. I bet you don't even cover your hair you hussy.

The 1950's women are on MN.

It's quite interesting. About 1/3 of these type of threads get normal responses but the majority attract a pile-on of hyacinth buckets who think men and women can never be friends.

Unless, of course, if the poster is a bloke- then it's unanimous.

I think you are out of order with all this hugging. It's not professional. I don't like huggy types.

There we go, OP. Someone in the internet 'doesn't like huggy types'. You can't argue with that- you need to amend your behaviour immediately.

There we go, OP. Someone in the internet 'doesn't like huggy types'. You can't argue with that- you need to amend your behaviour immediately.

@Pumperthepumper

Because he's possibly come back to the table and necked his drink and said he'd better go and ops asked what's up. Or he's checked with her that he hasn't made her uncomfortable and unable to tell him. Or he's whining so op will give him a pity hand job in the stationary cupboard. Who knows. But people do talk about their relationships to people outside of their coupling, why is that inappropriate? He's not in a board room saying "so the other day I copped a feel of Daisy's ass and then my wife started on at me so I've been on the sofa for three nights"

It’s inappropriate because the OP then comes on to mumsnet to ask complete strangers to then get stuck into his wife for being paranoid. Regardless of his reasons for telling her, he’s the one who included the OP in his argument with his wife.

But then that's on op not him. If i tell by bf my DH is mean and ate all the cake and she comes on my MN and says should I tell my friend her DH is a dick for eating all the cake, my original discussion about the cake isn't what's inappropriate.

@donquixotedelamancha

I think you are out of order with all this hugging. It's not professional. I don't like huggy types.

There we go, OP. Someone in the internet 'doesn't like huggy types'. You can't argue with that- you need to amend your behaviour immediately.

I was gonna reply to the original comment bit was t sure if it was serious or not

But then that's on op not him.
If i tell by bf my DH is mean and ate all the cake and she comes on my MN and says should I tell my friend her DH is a dick for eating all the cake, my original discussion about the cake isn't what's inappropriate.

Except that’s not the same thing - the equivalent is you telling your bf that your DH says it’s her fault you ate the cakes. The OP wanted to get stuck into the wife for being paranoid, when she has absolutely no idea what was said. She only has what he told her. And it’s very odd to tell someone they’ve caused a fight between a couple.

For those accusing some of us of pearl clutching for doubting the boss' motives, imagine this was the post instead:

DH spends a lot of time away from home with a female colleague. He has told me the regularly stay up late drinking and share intimate details of our marriage. He would rather stay up with her than go back to his room and give me a call. I've met the colleague and she comes across as a bit touchy feely and hugs my DH. I'm not sure what to make of it, but I've told him their closeness makes me uncomfortable, he has reassured me there is nothing to worry about and they are just friends, but something isn't sitting right with me. I've since found out that he has told her that I've told him not to socialise with him. Should I be concerned about this?

What would you advise the DW of the boss? Would you honestly reassure her that she needn't worry or would this set off alarm bells for you?

I was gonna reply to the original comment bit was t sure if it was serious or not

Sadly I don't think it's remotely extreme enough to parody the archaic views expressed by the chunk of MNers represented on this thread.

I keep the irony box checked in settings so I avoid that mistake- no matter how OTT I try to be to make it clear I still get lots of people arguing with my sarcasm.

@Glamflimfloogety

For those accusing some of us of pearl clutching for doubting the boss' motives, imagine this was the post instead:

DH spends a lot of time away from home with a female colleague. He has told me the regularly stay up late drinking and share intimate details of our marriage. He would rather stay up with her than go back to his room and give me a call. I've met the colleague and she comes across as a bit touchy feely and hugs my DH. I'm not sure what to make of it, but I've told him their closeness makes me uncomfortable, he has reassured me there is nothing to worry about and they are just friends, but something isn't sitting right with me. I've since found out that he has told her that I've told him not to socialise with him. Should I be concerned about this?

What would you advise the DW of the boss? Would you honestly reassure her that she needn't worry or would this set off alarm bells for you?

I would tell her to get a grip and that men and women can be friends, and unless he has form for being unfaithful that she's worrying about nothing.

I would tell her to get a grip and that men and women can be friends, and unless he has form for being unfaithful that she's worrying about nothing.

And if he has a form for it, she should think of herself better and dump his cheating arse anyway.

@Pumperthepumper

*But then that's on op not him. If i tell by bf my DH is mean and ate all the cake and she comes on my MN and says should I tell my friend her DH is a dick for eating all the cake, my original discussion about the cake isn't what's inappropriate.*

Except that’s not the same thing - the equivalent is you telling your bf that your DH says it’s her fault you ate the cakes. The OP wanted to get stuck into the wife for being paranoid, when she has absolutely no idea what was said. She only has what he told her. And it’s very odd to tell someone they’ve caused a fight between a couple.

Well I don't see that he's told op that she has, he seems to have told op that his wife has had a moan about his behaviour.
"I don't like you sitting with Jenny" "I don't like Jenny sitting with you" are not the same.

He told her she was giving him the cold treatment. He’s involved the OP in that argument. The OP thinks it’s because she’s paranoid so it’s irrelevant whose behaviour is in question. The only thing we know is that the boss told the OP about the argument that she was involved in. That’s odd.

And if he has a form for it, she should think of herself better and dump his cheating arse anyway.

how would OP know any of this 🤔