To think my boss's wife is being paranoid

[Hop27]

Work closely with my boss, I'm the most senior person in his management team. We had a big win recently so went out to celebrate (with partners), it ended up being a boozy night. As I went to leave with my DH I hugged everyone goodbye. The next day my boss was worried that he'd been a little over familiar, because his wife pulled him up on it saying he'd been inappropriate.
A few weeks later, we are in another city with work it had been a big day and we had a late dinner in the hotel bar, with a couple of drinks. His wife called around 10pm and said again he was being inappropriate drinking with me alone. He then got the cold treatment for the rest of the trip, she wouldn't take his calls etc and you could tell he was upset. I am doing the wrong thing? I enjoy his company, but that's it I am very happily married. Is she paranoid or am I over stepping the mark by having a drink with him?

Are you attractive?

@BreatheAndFocus

Perhaps your boss is sharing his wife’s discomfort with you as a discreet way of letting you know your behaviour is making him uncomfortable?

I’d drop the hugging and keep things more professional (with everyone).

There are a few paranoid wives, but IMO most of the women expressing such concerns aren’t paranoid or possessive - just astute or informed by bitter experience.

Why would you choose to continue when you now know she - and possibly he - is/are uncomfortable? It’s common respect surely - especially if you have nothing to hide.

First sentence is exactly what I originally thought. I am shocked that some posters think he is putting out feelers, because I am sure if he was, he would not even mention his wife - as that reminds the OP he is married. I also don't understand why it's wrong for him to mention his wife's feelings on the matter. I just don't get it. It's not a betrayal or breaking of confidence (unless she asked him not to speak about it), it is a way to clarify things, and many colleagues talk about their relationships/marriages and the problems. If he was interested in her, he surely would not be mentioning his wife being upset, because that would only make the OP cautious and feel guilty - and run the other way. If his wife doesn't have an issue with it (and it seems she does), then I would presume he was warning you off in a 'back off, I'm married, my WIFE isn't happy' type of thing.

And then ‘she’s just been on the phone again complaining that i spend too much time with you and now is giving me the silent treatment’? Why would he confide in that particular colleague that his wife had a problem with her

Except that OP didn't say he said this. This is probably why we have a different opinion. I am not making up facts, I go by what OP says. He said she thought it was inappropriate to have drinks. Fine. The silent treatment, also known as abusive (I learned that on MN) and upset is very easily observable over the rest of the trips. You would have to have a head up your arse not to see that on someone you are spending considerable time with.

Maybe she is concerned that at some point you might be coming up with accusations he would have to defend himself against.

If I was her, I would also ask him to steer clear of situations that could be used against him.

It’s sad, but the way the world is now, I understand her.

@SchrodingersImmigrant

And then ‘she’s just been on the phone again complaining that i spend too much time with you and now is giving me the silent treatment’? Why would he confide in that particular colleague that his wife had a problem with her

Except that OP didn't say he said this. This is probably why we have a different opinion. I am not making up facts, I go by what OP says. He said she thought it was inappropriate to have drinks. Fine. The silent treatment, also known as abusive (I learned that on MN) and upset is very easily observable over the rest of the trips. You would have to have a head up your arse not to see that on someone you are spending considerable time with.

Still doesn’t make sense - how could the OP know she was ignoring the calls and giving him the silent treatment unless he told her? How could the OP see the silent treatment?

Why would he say his wife thinks it’s inappropriate in the first place?

This is one of the ways in which women continue to be disadvantaged at work: they are shut out from the informal networking opportunities open to men. If the OP's boss gets banned (by his wife, or some of the posters on here...) from socialising with the OP, what are the odds he will NOT be banned from doing the same with his male colleagues?

Also @SchrodingersImmigrant I wish you’d stop using this thread as a way to beat abuse victims around the head. This is a third-hand account of someone’s marriage - the OP didn’t post out of concern for her boss but for her own behaviour (which I think is fine). What’s not fine is telling your colleague that your wife has a problem with that relationship.

Doesn't make sense to you. Makes easily sense to me. 🤷🏻

@peardrops1

This is one of the ways in which women continue to be disadvantaged at work: they are shut out from the informal networking opportunities open to men. If the OP's boss gets banned (by his wife, or some of the posters on here...) from socialising with the OP, what are the odds he will NOT be banned from doing the same with his male colleagues?

Is he hugging his male colleagues too though? Is he telling his male colleagues that his wife thinks their relationship is inappropriate?

@SchrodingersImmigrant

Doesn't make sense to you. Makes easily sense to me. 🤷🏻

In a way you can’t explain?

He wasn't bitching about her, it was more....

To be honest that would be my main issue - he IS reporting back to you what his wife is saying to him. That's not on really. Those conversations should be between him and his wife, not shared with his colleagues! It sounds disrespectful to be doing so.

Personally I don't like the whole hugging and kissing for work colleagues. I think it is better kept for family and friends. Not everyone enjoys being hugged by random people - but in a work situation it would be uncomfortable to tell your colleague you'd rather they didn't hug you.

And tbh in Covid times I am surprised anyone is hugging work colleagues at present, even if not in the UK. Surely even elsewhere in the world there are some restrictions and advice for keeping it at bay??

@Pumperthepumper

Also *@SchrodingersImmigrant* I wish you’d stop using this thread as a way to beat abuse victims around the head. This is a third-hand account of someone’s marriage - the OP didn’t post out of concern for her boss but for her own behaviour (which I think is fine). What’s not fine is telling your colleague that your wife has a problem with that relationship.

I am nkt beating abuse victims over the head here. I am saying that silent treatment is part of an abusive behaviour. The fact that it's a woman giving it after the partner did something she doesn't like, yet is a perfectly normal behaviour actually, doesn't mean it is not that.

@SchrodingersImmigrant

Can't wait to go tell all the women who come here asking about their partner not letting them spend time with colleagues and giving them a silent treatment when they do, that it must be their own fault because they obviously made them this insecured by cheating or being flirty👍🙄

Controlling behaviour is not ok. Silent treatment for normal colleague interaction is not ok. No matter what sex the person is.

Your posts are here for all to see. Can’t wait to use this thread as a gotcha for women!

How did the OP see the silent treatment? You once again haven’t said.

As others have mentioned, if his wife is suspicious then your colleagues most likely are too. You should consider how this impacts on people's professional assessment of you.

Really? Why should OP's colleagues not be suspicious equally of their boss and what he may or may not be up to? His wife may be suspicious because he has past form, or because she's that way by nature.

I agree with PPs that it was inappropriate for the boss to discuss his wife's insecurities.

www.health.gov.au/news/health-alerts/novel-coronavirus-2019-ncov-health-alert/how-to-protect-yourself-and-others-from-coronavirus-covid-19/physical-distancing-for-coronavirus-covid-19

The Australian government website says that there is still social distancing in place. I guess it could be out of date though. I was just surprised there isn't SDing and any restrictions otherwise.

---

Physical distancing in public means people:
keep 1.5 metres away from others wherever possible
avoid physical greetings such as handshaking, hugs and kisses
practise extra care if you are using public transport
avoid crowds – if you see a crowded space do not enter
avoid large public gatherings
practise good hygiene
stay at home if you have any cold or flu symptoms. Seek medical advice and get tested for COVID-19

You aren't doing anything wrong OP. I am fond of my work colleagues and boss - we have worked closely for over a decade and I hug them at the end of a work celebration with no issues whatsoever. HOWEVER, be careful when a male colleague starts sharing details about his marriage that are tantamount to complaining or venting about his other half in any way. In my experience that sharing itself can be an opener for exploring more personal discussions and it's one I've seen many times before. It's tempting to engage because it feels like privileged information, but be careful. Not your job to manage this - it's his marriage and he's the boss, but in reality I would advise some caution just because you don't want to end up in an awkward situation.

The next day my boss was worried that he'd been a little over familiar, because his wife pulled him up on it saying he'd been inappropriate.
A few weeks later, we are in another city with work it had been a big day and we had a late dinner in the hotel bar, with a couple of drinks. His wife called around 10pm and said again he was being inappropriate drinking with me alone.

How do you know all this detail, from the exact time his wife calls, to what she exactly said to him? Has he got his speakerphone on when she's talking or something?

It's an interesting problem.

I found myself in a similar-ish situation to the OP's boss's wife - DH was travelling for work (this was pre-covid) and was up late, like really late (10pm is late in some parts of Australia!) drinking with 2 colleagues, one of whom was female.

I was suspicious, I have to say. Turns out that I was right to be - but not on DH's behalf - she's having an affair with the other colleague, who is also married.

Now I know that is just one example and in general I have no issue with colleagues drinking together, but I do think it leaves people open to suspicion when it's one male and one female.
I don't think the wife's reaction (ignoring him) was a good one and hardly likely to improve any situation - but I agree with everyone who is saying he really shouldn't have told you about that, and is maybe testing the water by doing so.

I don't know which part of Australia you are in but we're certainly still encouraged to maintain social distancing in NSW, regardless of how few cases there are around at the moment - so the hugging was not the best idea!

@bumpitybumpbump

You aren't doing anything wrong OP. I am fond of my work colleagues and boss - we have worked closely for over a decade and I hug them at the end of a work celebration with no issues whatsoever. HOWEVER, be careful when a male colleague starts sharing details about his marriage that are tantamount to complaining or venting about his other half in any way. In my experience that sharing itself can be an opener for exploring more personal discussions and it's one I've seen many times before. It's tempting to engage because it feels like privileged information, but be careful. Not your job to manage this - it's his marriage and he's the boss, but in reality I would advise some caution just because you don't want to end up in an awkward situation.

It may not be the OPs responsibility to manage her boss' marriage but it's showing zero emotional intelligence to get involved in huggy work "celebrations" and feel surprised when someone's wife/partner objects to that. Urgh, I can't imagine getting that close up to people at work.

What's inappropriate is him telling you, putting himself of your team instead of hers so to speak.

Maybe he has form for bad behaviour / sniffing round the office and his wife knows what he is like. It might be that he talks about you at home and what a great part of the team you are - so maybe she is a bit jealous that he rates you. Or she might just be over protective of her man as she know that sometimes things happen on boozy work do's....

I don't think you are doing anything wrong. It's a trust issue between them. Of course, you will know if he is being flirtatious and if it was more than a normal hug - in which case she is is not in the wrong for trying to check his behaviour.

@daisychain01

*The next day my boss was worried that he'd been a little over familiar, because his wife pulled him up on it saying he'd been inappropriate. A few weeks later, we are in another city with work it had been a big day and we had a late dinner in the hotel bar, with a couple of drinks. His wife called around 10pm and said again he was being inappropriate drinking with me alone.*

How do you know all this detail, from the exact time his wife calls, to what she exactly said to him? Has he got his speakerphone on when she's talking or something?

Hey Daisy, look I'm sorry if I over stepped the mark last night, I certainly didn't mean to What do you mean Poppy reckoned it was inappropriate I hugged you good night last night, I don't want there to be any issue at work through.

Sorry Daisy I just need to take this call...
...
What's up?
It was Poppy wanting to know if o was back in my room. Told her were just having a drink and she's gone mad at me
Why? It's not late, it's what, 10??
I think it's because it's just the two of us, I told you she was unhappy is hugged you good night the other day right?

I mean that conversation seems perfectly reasonable to me between someone op has a friendship with as well as being senior management with. He's not moaning to his secretary whilst making her work late and telling her the wife doesn't have sex with him anymore whilst staring at her breasts is he?

It was Poppy wanting to know if o was back in my room. Told her were just having a drink and she's gone mad at me

It’s this bit though - why would he say that? Why burden the OP with this instead of just ‘ah nothing’?

It may not be the OPs responsibility to manage her boss' marriage but it's showing zero emotional intelligence to get involved in huggy work "celebrations" and feel surprised when someone's wife/partner objects to that. Urgh, I can't imagine getting that close up to people at work you can't be that surprised that people have friends who they know from work surely? I once hugged a male colleague whilst slightly tipsy... at my wedding! No dry humping, no popping to the loo for a quickie. And yes even in a big room with lots of people and me in a big white dress his wife probably would have stropped (if she'd been there) because she was massively insecure of him working in a female dominant industry and no, he was never inappropriate or shagged or snogged anyone (and yes, I'd know. I was the only one his age and it DEF would have got out of he's done anything with one of the older members of the team 😂😂).

@Pumperthepumper

It was Poppy wanting to know if o was back in my room. Told her were just having a drink and she's gone mad at me

It’s this bit though - why would he say that? Why burden the OP with this instead of just ‘ah nothing’?

Because he's friends with her and people do talk about what's on their minds to their friends. Plus he's now trying to decide if he should abandon his pint and send a selfie to his wife of him in bed alone.

If he was a she and her husband was complaining or her wife, would we automatically assume he's a dog and op must be up for it? (I mean generally across the thread, not pp specifically)? If DH called at 10 to make sure the wife was alone in her room sober would they be ok or a bit controlling?