To have made DH apologise to DS?

[PleaseLetItBeNapTime]

Sorry if this is a bit of a ramble...

I was in the kitchen making dinner. DS(4) has dinner at nursery and isn’t really hungry when he gets home so will just have fruit/ yoghurt/ crisps and be fine. DS decided that he wanted some wotsits. DS is particularly attached to the “rainbow” shaped ones and tends to leave them to the side and eat them last if he eats them at all. We’ve had tears before when he’s accidentally broken one. Rediculous I know, but he is only just 4 and he isn’t generally the sensitive type.

Anyway, DS is in the living room with DH and I hear him crying and he sounds inconsolable. I call him to the kitchen and he tells me “daddy’s eaten my rainbow”. DH follows and his attitude is so self righteous. I asked DH to apologise. He refused and said that DS’s reaction was disproportionate. I said he shouldn’t be eating DS’s crisps without asking. DH continues to refuse to say sorry, saying it’s not a big deal. I did tell DS that DH was being naughty at that point, which on reflection probably wasn’t appropriate. I told DH clearly it was a big deal for DS and he eventually says sorry and goes off in a huff. DS calms down, goes off to play, and is fine.

I asked DH to talk to me about the incident awhile later and he basically told me that he doesn’t believe I should have expected him to apologise to DS. He thinks I was out of line for labelling his behaviour as naughty and he was hurt that following the incident DS said he didn’t want to sit next to him.

I personally think the thought that he shouldn’t have to apologise is a form of toxic parenting - we need to mirror the behaviours we expect from DS and that includes admitting that we are wrong sometimes and apologising. DH has basically ignored me for the rest of the evening and still believes I’m wrong.

So WIBU? I’m genuinely interest to hear from people who think I was who can articulate why because I’m struggling to understand how DH is so firm in his position.

Thanks

super Exactly! DD will do the same to me...steal a chip or something...we just laugh. it's not like the Father took the bag and scoffed them and told the kid to piss off or anything! One crisp!

You completely undermined your DH in front of your DS over a wotsit. Apologising over that? FFS. It won't kill a child to have their wotsit taken now and again. If that was my 4yo reacting like that I'd tell him to stop being so silly it's only a crisp.

Unless you want an oversensitive entitled brat come school time I would really knock this pandering in the head.

And people wonder why children have no resilience skills these days.

I can't believe some posters are "heartbroken" over this - only on MN 😂

I know a mother who accidentally ate her child’s saved sacred rainbow wotsit. She reached down into her own stomach and ripped it back out.

That’s just what mother’s do.

Unless you want an oversensitive entitled brat come school time I would really knock this pandering in the head.

My kids seem to have managed fine at school, despite us apologising to them when we’ve got things wrong. I’d call it showing your children respect and kindness, not pandering.
My children soon learnt that many people in life are total arseholes, they don’t like it but they cope just fine, probably because they know as their parents we won’t act that way. Very happy my children’s dad isn’t childish like the OPs, it’s a very unattractive quality.

Yes adults should apologise if they do something wrong. Your husband took 1 crisp, your 4 year old was fine, no big deal. You turned this into an 'incident', consider how your child saw your actions - something tiny happened and you acted like it was the end of the world. You could have just said: 'DH, DS is tired stop winding him up. DS, it's just a crisp you can have some more tomorrow, you will be fine.'

@ClaireP20 I'm not sure why a child at nursery is a 'poor child'? He is probably very well looked after and has a great time. What a weird comment.

Yanbu. My ds also 4 does stuff like this. Keep his favourite stuff to the side or save something for later. I can't imagine my dh being so childish and just eating it knowing it would upset ds. Besides he finishes school at 5:30 I'm sure he was overtired. Why go antagonize a child who is tired??
And more importantly, why does he have a problem with saying sorry.

Wotsitgate is funny as fuck. But still, a valuable leaning opportunity.

You are driving a wedge between your son and his father. In a year’s time you’ll be on AIBU complaining about how DH doesn’t do enough childcare. In private, you two should always be discussing and refining a mutual parenting approach, and offering constructive criticism if necessary; in the moment, you should leave DH and DS to negotiate their own relationship without you hovering around, ready to rebuke and dish out justice. Let your DH find a way to deal with an ‘inconsolable’ child as you describe him. Then discuss in private.

Also:

• The principle holds true that you should ask before snaffling someone’s food. Something to be later established with DH.
• It is also true that the home environment sometimes erodes those boundaries of what ‘mine’ is. Teasing uncles, unruly siblings, accidents and crushed crisp packets...these things happen. Nursery is a carefully managed social setting that doesn’t always allow for these things to trsnspire.
• Dont encourage an attachment / preciousness to certain food items. A bit of fun with rainbow shapes; sure. If it turns into hysteria, it’s a sign that it’s gone too far.

You are driving a wedge between your son and his father.

OPs husband will be the one doing that if he continues to do things that upset his child and not say sorry.
When he heard his son upset, it should have been a natural response to say sorry, OP shouldn’t have needed to prompt him.

@BadTattoosAndSmellLikeBooze

You are driving a wedge between your son and his father.

OPs husband will be the one doing that if he continues to do things that upset his child and not say sorry.
When he heard his son upset, it should have been a natural response to say sorry, OP shouldn’t have needed to prompt him.

No, OP will do that if she calls her husband naughty and rebukes him in front of the child. The bigger parenting picture is this: try to present a united front, soothe in the moment without arguing with each other; avoid undermining a parent even if they have committed a minor transgression. Discuss and argue later.

The secondary point is: should DH have apologised? Probably, but with a caveat of putting the child’s exaggerated reaction into context. Her son has cried before when he’s accidentally broken his own rainbow crisp. Shit happens. This predilection runs the risk of being overindulged.

No, OP will do that if she calls her husband naughty and rebukes him in front of the child. The bigger parenting picture is this: try to present a united front, soothe in the moment without arguing with each other; avoid undermining a parent even if they have committed a minor transgression. Discuss and argue later.

No, the bigger picture is this. He saw he had upset his son yet his natural reaction was to behave like a fucking child himself. How on earth do people have relationships with adults that behave like children. I really couldn’t.

My partner and I always present a united front. But that’s because he doesn’t behave like a child. If he did, I wouldn’t be united with him on anything.

I knew there would be a load of people scoffing about it only being a crisp and children growing up as snowflakes and entitled brats. I wasn't disappointed.

If I had saved my most favourite part of my meal/snack until last and then my DP swooped in and pinched it, I wouldn't be impressed. Depending on what kind of day I'd had, I could very well feel murderous about it.

It doesn't matter that it's just a crisp or you think it's silly. We model the behaviours that we want our children to adopt. If you upset someone, even accidentally, you apologise. That's the mature thing to do. It's good for children to see that behaviour. It's about teaching them that everyone deserves to be respected.

What isn't good is for a child to see someone take something of theirs without asking, and then the grownup refusing to apologise.

It's not about the bloody crisp FFS. It's the principle.

And yes, the OP calling her husband naughty was daft, but I imagine it came out in absolute frustration because he was acting like a petulant dickhead.

Dear me. It was a crisp.

If I was eating some crisps and my DH or DS took one, or some nuts or whatever, that would be fine. We’re a family, it’s a snack. Don’t raise a brat, OP. And don’t patronise your husband.

When children are young we need to model the behaviour that we want them to emulate as much as possible. Whilst ‘pinching a crisp’ is nothing in the big scheme of things, if a child did that at school - pinched a chip off a friends plate, or biscuit from their lunchbox then it would be a problem, 1) because it is wrong/stealing/unkind and 2) children cannot share foods at school due to cross-contamination and allergies.

If DH needed the wotsit he really should have asked first.
OP shouldn’t have scolded DH like a child.
DH shouldn’t have sulked about it.

exLtEveDallas

But surely we can show children the difference (which is a reasonable one) between the child taking something from another, unrelated child, and his dad taking a crisp. Doesn’t family mean something a bit different? It does in our house.

@Nottherealslimshady says it well

Children need to know that adults make mistakes too and he should have apologised in a sensible manner. I would not have called him naughty though, you are belittling your husband in front of your child.

@flaviaritt yes, of course it does, but the child in question is 4 and unlikely to be able to differentiate. Easier to leave that sort of lesson until he is a bit older (I see it all the time at school, children doing the “but my mum/dad says...” when they are told they cannot do something at school that they can do at home. It makes the job that little bit harder!

If you upset someone, even accidentally, you apologise. That's the mature thing to do. It's good for children to see that behaviour.

Really? That implies if someone is upset, I’ve done something wrong that I need to apologise for, or that I should be responsible for their feelings which leads to those bullshit “I’m sorry if you’re upset” apologies. I’m not going to teach my children to apologise their way through life or to be responsible for how other people react.

I can think of situations where I’ve upset someone and an apology would have been entirely the wrong thing to do because it would imply I was at fault for someone else’s completely disproportionate reaction to a situation. In this situation it would mean dad apologising to the child for taking his crisp, mum apologising to dad for making an international incident out of it, dad apologising go mum for going in a huff and chef apologising to dad for not wanting to sit with him. Or you can just say “in families sometimes we’re not at our best” and —grow the fuck up— move on.

child apologising to dad - I’m assuming there was no chef involved in the wotsit incident.

exLtEveDallas

But this doesn’t leave the lesson. It actively teaches the wrong lesson.

Your husband acts like a child, and you act like his mother. Not sure which came first, but if you don’t tackle that dynamic, your marriage is doomed.

I knew there would be a pile on of ‘it’s just a crisp’ on this as soon as I read it but let’s remove for a moment that this is a 4 year old and their dad.

Imagine you’re in your work canteen eating loaded nachos. There’s one particularly good looking one right on top and you eye it up whilst scoffing a few of the slightly dryer ones around the sides. (Come on who doesn’t sometimes save the best for last even as adults). Then out of nowhere a colleague comes and swipes your food off your plate without asking.

NOT OK

Doesn’t family mean something a bit different? It does in our house.

It means I don’t do things which are unnecessary and I know will upset them. It means if I upset them and it’s my fault, I apologise.
He’s 4, he won’t feel this way about his special shape wotsits forever. Whilst he does, don’t take them. Simple really. 🤷🏻‍♀️