To have made DH apologise to DS?

[PleaseLetItBeNapTime]

Sorry if this is a bit of a ramble...

I was in the kitchen making dinner. DS(4) has dinner at nursery and isn’t really hungry when he gets home so will just have fruit/ yoghurt/ crisps and be fine. DS decided that he wanted some wotsits. DS is particularly attached to the “rainbow” shaped ones and tends to leave them to the side and eat them last if he eats them at all. We’ve had tears before when he’s accidentally broken one. Rediculous I know, but he is only just 4 and he isn’t generally the sensitive type.

Anyway, DS is in the living room with DH and I hear him crying and he sounds inconsolable. I call him to the kitchen and he tells me “daddy’s eaten my rainbow”. DH follows and his attitude is so self righteous. I asked DH to apologise. He refused and said that DS’s reaction was disproportionate. I said he shouldn’t be eating DS’s crisps without asking. DH continues to refuse to say sorry, saying it’s not a big deal. I did tell DS that DH was being naughty at that point, which on reflection probably wasn’t appropriate. I told DH clearly it was a big deal for DS and he eventually says sorry and goes off in a huff. DS calms down, goes off to play, and is fine.

I asked DH to talk to me about the incident awhile later and he basically told me that he doesn’t believe I should have expected him to apologise to DS. He thinks I was out of line for labelling his behaviour as naughty and he was hurt that following the incident DS said he didn’t want to sit next to him.

I personally think the thought that he shouldn’t have to apologise is a form of toxic parenting - we need to mirror the behaviours we expect from DS and that includes admitting that we are wrong sometimes and apologising. DH has basically ignored me for the rest of the evening and still believes I’m wrong.

So WIBU? I’m genuinely interest to hear from people who think I was who can articulate why because I’m struggling to understand how DH is so firm in his position.

Thanks

My DH is a bit like this too... always thinking with his stomach (or about what it is that he wants) and failing to notice the subtleties of life for other people. In other words, putting rainbow shaped Wotsits to one side for special treatment.

Personally, I don't think YWBU but agree a term other than 'naughty' might have been preferable, in an ideal world.

I see that sort of behaviour as bullying; the equivalent of coercive control, where someone is always walking on eggshells, trying to work out what to do.

You sound sensible and grounded in your responses . Hopefully it's just something silly that escalated and no harm done as a one off

I standby my comment that some responses here are bonkers though !

I actually had to tell my husband to tell me off when I was being slightly rude to my daughter if I was extremely tired.

Adults really don’t need to be told off by other adults, if you thought you were rude, apologise.

I wonder how folk navigate the complexities of relationships if every single perceived trespass merits an apology and a telling off.

I apologise to my kids when I get it wrong, so does my husband. Sometimes I’ll acknowledge they were upset by whatever and move on because whatever it was is about people living together rubbing up on each other, and sometimes I’ll comfort them and he’ll then move on to something else. This is definitely one of the latter.

@OldAndWornOut
"I see that sort of behaviour as bullying; the equivalent of coercive control, where someone is always walking on eggshells"

Oh come on!

I was commenting about what someone had said about her father in law and his treatment of her little girl.

Lots of posts in between though.

Oops sorry @OldAndWornOut

My fault.

Just read the post about FIL. What a knob behaving like that

@StoppinBy I really feel for your DD! DHs dad was like that - he would take toys from DS when he was very small and would think it was hilarious when he would get upset. Absolutely awful. DH had a word with him and it stopped and he now plays so nicely with DS. I hope there can be a turn with your FIL too.

@Twistered - thank you

@OldAndWornOut Yep, it's exhausting visiting them sometimes and he no longer likes me very much as while I am more than willing to pull my kids up on their behaviour if they are out of line I also do not tolerate his behaviour towards my children if he is the one out of line and he isn't used to anyone standing up to him (because 'that's just who he is'...says my husband and MIL).

Unfortunately when people think it's ok to disrespect a child in a manner they would never consider treating an adult (because they know it's shit behaviour) they are teaching the child that they can't trust them.

Little things quickly become big things when they begin to add up.

He's 4 , it's his latest fun thing/ means something to him - it may be just a wotsit to some on here but to him it's a rainbow - in his shoes I'd be upset too.
I have some wotsits downstairs - tomorrow I am going to have a packet and I shall hope to have some rainbows amongst them. Reminds me why young children are so lovely - just their take on things . Give him a rainbow hug from me

@PleaseLetItBeNapTime Yes, my husband used to do these things as well, the refusal to apologise if he hurt the kids (stood on their toes or play got a bit rough etc) and take things they had etc because he saw it as normal behaviour.

We had many words over it and now he sees this as not normal at all.

My FIL wont change I don't think and it hurts my husband a lot as he sees what it does to our kids and he wants it to be different for them but nothing we say or do changes it, FIL just thinks it's me and our children that are the problem, he is an innocent 'playful' Pa .

We just have to be constantly watching and keeping an eye out when we visit to make it clear that we don't think it's ok.

I'd be worrying why ds is so obsessive over rainbow crisp. Touch of ocd? However, think whole thing so overblown as to be worrying about whose the control freak.

I imagine your DH took it in a cheeky, I’m snaffling one of your crisps way that is normal in families. Your son maybe is too young to respond in kind so had a mini meltdown.

End of story.

DH shouldn’t have taken a ‘favourite’ one and misjudged it. DS shouldn’t meltdown over a crisp and you shouldn’t escalate this into an incident requiring UN peacekeepers.

My first thought on the rainbow wotsits was actually whether your DS might be autistic OP. Sorting out his wotsits by shape and such distress over one being ate. However he is also very young, it just reminded me of my autistic son with his food.

Anyways, I do believe your DH should have apologised for eating without asking, however I also believe in showing a united front so probably would have been better to have spoken to your DH privately before in front of DS. Your DH may not have known it would upset your DS that much and some people become very defensive when they are actually feeling guilty!

DH and I have our own way of dealing with things unless it is something major (none that I can think in the past) then yes one of would step in.

In the case in the OP the yes I think the OP is being controlling

You really undermined your son's dad and that wasn't fair.

Your son did overreact. Your dh should have said sorry because his actions upset a small child. But your actions made it an issue and it would have been better to speak to him in private.

"I don’t completely agree with my husbands style of parenting and I don’t trust him 100% with DS in regards to ensuring his emotional well-being or physical safety (unrelated but he’s done stupid and dangerous things like left him in a bath unsupervised when he was much younger and didn’t understand why I was raging - I don’t think he’s deliberately reckless, just lacking in common sense and childcare experience)."

This is a far more serious issue and I'd focus on this type issue/thing rather than crisps.

Wise words from Jellycatspyjamas "For the record, undermining your spouse in front of your child is more damaging to their relationship than him pinching a crisp. Rupture and repair is massively important in relationships, you stepping in to fix it the way you think it should be fixed means your son and his dad never have the opportunity to learn how to work things out between them."

And I think it is totally right for adults to apologise when they get things wrong. I always do this with my kids, probably because my mum never apologized!

So he just took the wotsit that he knew his son liked, without asking, upset hI’m and then refused to apologise. Now he is ignoring you. What a lovely bloke. 🙄

It may only be a wotsit but he’s only 4. His dad shouldn’t have done it knowing the importance to his child. The next best thing was to apologise. Some people think they shouldn’t have to apologise to children. Those people are twats. It’s really important that children see adults apologise when they are wrong.

I’d have called him more than ‘naughty’. He needs to grow the fuck up.

Sorry, I wouldn’t apologise to a four year old over this. I think you’re making a mountain out of a mole hill.

What fresh hell is this thread?

In my house it goes like this:

Me: pinches crisp
DD(5): hey! Don’t take my crisp!”
Me: sticks out tongue with crisp on it
DD: laughs

Not everything needs to be a thing!! How will these children survive secondary school?! You need to build some resilience!

Sorry, I wouldn’t apologise to a four year old over this.

Why not? At age 4 they’re unlikely to have any major issues that you’d need to apologise for. These little things can be so important to them. By not apologising, you’re telling them that the things that matter to them are not important. Its about more than a bloody wotsit. Dad upset his son by taking something important to him. Of course he should just say sorry. I can’t imagine not saying sorry. He should have said sorry and given him a cuddle. Instead he’s sulking. What a twat. I can’t stand parents like this, they’ll have trouble coming there way in the future.

I would wager that he didn’t say sorry because he was fucked off at the Op’s reaction (or that she even involved herself at all). Because to be honest if my husband had done that, I’d have dug my heels in too.

I would wager that he didn’t say sorry because he was fucked off at the Op’s reaction (or that she even involved herself at all). Because to be honest if my husband had done that, I’d have dug my heels in too.

You need to grow up then. Husband was wrong. Say sorry. Move on.