Things not to say to a pregnant woman

[UnicornAndSparkles]

"If you think you're exhausted now..."

"Gosh you look shattered!"

"Sleep deprivation isn't real in pregnancy, it's after the baby is here that you'll feel awful!"

Helpful?! No! And yes, I remember the sleep deprivation and exhaustion post-baby very well, as my "baby" is only 3. But pregnancy + HG + a toddler is exhausting!

What happened to "if you dont have anything nice to say don't say anything?!"

I dislike the 'was it planned?' question. It's a bit too personal for my liking. Why do people ask this?

For me it’s the opposite of the birth horror stories- I had a really traumatic first birth that started in the birth pool and ended in emcs, sepsis etc. I’m booked for a section for this one as I just can’t risk the same thing happening.

So apparently absolutely everyone has to start telling me about their perfect water births with minimal pain relief needed. Even people who know what happened at my first birth and that I’m booked for a section

Thanks, I really needed to hear that. Cheers for making me feel shitter about never experiencing a natural birth.

On the other hand, I once met a homeless drunk fella who was so excited that I was pregnant and tried to give me a tenner for the baby, which I managed to dissuade him from doing while telling him I really appreciated the gesture. He was really sweet and just wanted to do a kind thing. That was one of the nice ones!

@Brandaris absolutely this. One particular crowing facebook post about one man's wife achieving a natural birth through sheer will and determination made me want to reach through the screen and slap him senseless while I told him how offensive he was being. Not his story, not his right to posit that the rest of us just didn't try hard enough. Fuck that shit in the eye.

My Dsd had some lovely ones - 'My mum says no point getting excited because you might lose the baby' then lots of creative ideas about how that might happen, from when we told them at 14 weeks right up until I gave birth. The best was after I bought a big issue and was told, 'If that man stabbed you in the belly the baby would die AND you might die!' said with absolute glee and right in front of the big issue seller who looked as horrified as me at that suggestion.

Your bump is tiny is everything ok in there

It was the end of pregnancy that people would piss me off. I had huge bumps with each and went past the EDD with them all and spent the last 6 weeks or so of every pregnancy being asked why I hadn't had the baby yet.

Also with the second, I didn't tell work for a while because I was going for (and got) promotion. When I did announce, one of the co ordinators said "I thought so when I saw how much your boobs had grown". I almost punched her.

I've enjoyed this pregnancy so much more with wfh for most of it and social distancing. See a lot less people so get a lot less idiotic comments and no one can touch my stomach

Bumped into a nursery mum on the nursery run the other day though, "I hope you don't mind me saying but you're absolutely HUGE!".
I'm really not, I'm measuring spot on and have only gained 1.5stones. Exactly how small do you expect my stomach to be at 9 months pregnant?!

@Mashingthecompost oh I hate that, my sisters partner insisted on telling the whole room at her 30th about how she didn't make a sound giving birth and he was sooooo proud, just no need for all the screaming and dramatics other women do. Cue her looking really embarrassed and saying "Well I had an epidural" and him cutting her off to say that makes no difference and has nothing to do with anything. Got to love arrogant, ignorant men!

“Look after my baby, and for you just put on baby not fat!”

My Mum to me when I was 3 months pregnant!

Don't have sex or you'll have a miscarriage was a great one.

“Is it the same dad as last time?” Asked really loudly in a crowded shop by a former colleague. God only knows what people must have thought of me given the tone in which the question was asked

I also hate horrible gory birth stories. My mum is the worst for those.

Any kind of sly put down like “not to worry. You’ll have more time to make yourself nice when the baby gets into a routine and then you’ll have no excuse to look so ropey and not lose that baby weight! Don’t want X’s (her son) eye to wander! Hahaha.” My ex MIL is a bitch.

I found that people (my DM, DSIS, DGM and MIL thought it was their right to comment on my appearance, even by people I barely knew (from work). “Oooh you’ve put some weight on.” “You’ve put some extra pounds on your thighs.” I ended up feeling vile and enormous. When I look back at the photos of me I actually looked fine and not as massive as they said

I don’t have children nor are pregnant and this even annoys me, just reading it! Why do people think any of this helps or is w good thing to say!

I agree. I'm third trimester just now and fucked. Feeling sick, backs killing me, can't get comfortable at night at all, can't have a bath because I can't get out the bath as my joints are fucked, heartburn constantly, can't even have a coffee to wake myself up because it makes me feel so sick. At least when the baby is here ill feel a bit more human.

Have you not had that baby yet 🙈🙈🙈

Yes I feel you! I'm definitely more tired right now pregnant than I was with my newborn. Not sleeping well at all. We had the 'was it a mistake' question from OH family 😲 and I had people comment on my small bump last time. Its the opposite now, my bump is big at 20 weeks so looking forward to these comments 🙄 also one of OH's male friends commented on how easy pregnancy is the other day.... wow.

Although no one apart from dp has commented on my weight and he doesn't do it in a bad way just really goes on about how big my boobs have got this time 🙄

Literally 2 days before I went into labour with my first baby, a stranger stopped me in the street to say:

"have you read up about birth complications that can lead to your baby being brain-damaged for the rest of their lives?"

I was so shocked and upset - cried on the bus going home! And then did read up about it (of course) and stress levels were sky-high...

Not cool, lady, whoever you were.

"Don't you worry you'll regret it?"

Yes, shocking isn't it, but that is exactly what people often ask child free people. Just as offensive.

Going on about what I should or shouldn't be doing to look after their grandchild.
I am a person not an incubator for your grandchild.
Also "oh no I wanted a boy" on being told it was a girl

I remember someone telling me that she and another friend had been discussing the shape of my bump and had agreed it looked like the front of the Bullet Train. It was in the last month or so of the pregnancy, and I felt like I was walking around in someone else's body. I went home and cried. I wish I'd just said, "actually, that comment is really hurtful" because she would have apologised. She's a nice woman.

After I'd had the baby, a man in my church (who is mentally impaired) said, "ooh you've still got a big tummy though" and poked my tum. I just said, "speak for yourself" and poked his beer gut right back.

I do think that most of these comments are inadvertent - people get overexcited/awkward and say whatever guff comes out of their mouth first. I once, on hearing that a friend was expecting twins, said, "that's a bit daft of you - it's going to be loads of work" as if she had made a conscious choice to have a multiple birth. I felt like an utter pranny but I didn't know how to dig myself out of the hole. I still cringe now, and it was about 6 years ago.

"I've got a couple of paracetamol in my bag." (Said to me by my male manager when I was 8.5 months pregnant.)

"He's a pudding!" (Said to me by a work colleague during later stages of pregnancy.)

"Big babies deliver themselves. He'll fly out across the room." (Said to me by my male colleague at work.)

Agree, so many of the above, particularly feeling completely free to assess and comment on my body. Wish I was assertive and quick enough to challenge people! Most mean well but it’s a bizarre norm.

What I find most irritating is at the end when DHs family message me many times a day asking what is going on, why I have not had the baby yet and to report back any little twinge. One text from one SIL along the lines of ‘my child is waiting for a cousin so hurry up and PUSH!!’ Meant to be funny, but Not. Even. A. Tiny. Bit

"Still pregnant then...."

Well it does last for 9 months generally.