Page 8 | PIL huge dissapointment

randomer · 19/11/2020 09:13

There is a huge spectrum from people who live in each others pockcts and people who seem to think once kids are adults they owe them nothing.

I would say it is just common decency to offer help to a person with a broken bone and 2 small children. Even more so in these times.

usernamers · 19/11/2020 09:15

@NiceGerbil

This is one of those interesting MN posts.

Broken bone is extremely painful and etc I would think?

If family are near then it seems natural to say can you keep an eye on the kids while I run x to hosp who has obvious broken bone.

I mean my family aren't like that and I don't tell them or bother them about anything.

My friends say that they are definitely unusual and eg like op most family would say oh god yes we'll pop round and look after the kids while you get it sorted.

Seems on this thread though that's not right. Which is weird.

I thought that normal families did look out for each other like this? My husband's family would do something like that without a second thought.

Mine would say no as per op. Your problem you sort it.

I thought that mine were odd but reading this, maybe not?

Very interesting thread.

Normal families would do this for each other! I would help out friends and family. I can't understand anyone who wouldn't. I have family who are a bit similar and we either have no relationship or the relationship isn't close. Everyone I know who has close relationships help each other out when they need it.

I'd help a friend if they asked too, I can't imagine not helping.

I really don't get the attitude on here sometimes. You are meant to do every little thing for your children, practically kill yourself doing it but when they are 18 that's it, no help ever again. Of course they need to be independent but it doesn't mean never helping out, ever again. There is a world of difference between someone taking the piss and helping out when they are stuck and being a good friend or family member.

Friendsoftheearth · 19/11/2020 09:18

You now know you can't rely on them, that is good to know.
My parents and in laws were just the same, never supported us and couldn't care less, selfish doesn't cover it.

You need to make your own plan B arrangements with your friends in case of emergency - this is what we did - and we have never called them again for any reason.

We have also taken a big step back generally from the relationship, as it has been one sided for too long. We are LC. In laws now dead. So actually now we feel much better, they don't owe anything to us, and we owe nothing to them. No expectations, no commitments - we are self sufficient and lets hope they are too.

Personally I would move heaven and earth to be there for my children, and gc if needed, so I will be a far better GP and parent than my parents have ever been. I will never let them down. Thats okay, I am a decent person they are not. Yes it is disappointing, but now you know you can factor that into your relationship with them.

Fair weather family - there for the good times, disappear in the bad.

Zilla1 · 19/11/2020 09:22

His parents did txt him the day after saying they felt bad - says a lot. did they express any interest in your recovery or diagnosis, OP?

moresugarpls · 19/11/2020 09:22

YANBU

I’m baffled by a lot of the replies actually. I wouldn’t hesitate to do the same for my kids.

wildraisins · 19/11/2020 09:24

@Ilovepancakes6

OK so a few weeks ok I had a medical emergency and needed to go to the hospital (broken bone) I have 2 young children under 3.

This was at a weekend and my DH was at home with me, we decided to call his family to ask if they would come to watch the children whilst DH took me to the hospital (covid restrictions so he was only dropping me, would have been 45mins maximum). They weren't very keen as they were going to the pub said they would come if we couldn't find anyone else. We made other arrangements and I was home within 3 hours. NHS ❤

His parents did txt him the day after saying they felt bad and DH said dont worry about it (he is very forgiving and doesn't hold grudges or like being cross with ppl).

I am absolutely livid!!! I basically don't give a flying f**k about them anymore, they always say they are there for us blah blah bullshit ive been apart of this family for 16 years, to me actions speak louder than words. AIBU being so angry and hurt??

So you rang them, they explained they had plans but would come if there was no one else who could do it? I don't see what they've done wrong. They didn't refuse to come. They are allowed to have plans.

This sounds to me a bit like a "straw that broke the camels back" type thing - it doesn't seem that bad but I wouldn't be surprised if you have a thousand other examples which have contributed to your over-reaction this time.

ancientgran · 19/11/2020 09:24

As a MIL I feel sorry for you. I would be there to support any of my children and their partners. I wouldn't put myself out for them if I was you, be polite, don't sink to their level but don't forget.

Hope you are getting better.

Amammi · 19/11/2020 09:25

I’d be cross with them. It’s unbelievable to me that when asked to help they chose the pub. Re the longer term grudge - have they offered you help now? A broken leg takes ages and I assume you are on crutches for the next few weeks? Not easy to manage with small children in these circumstances.
If they were half cut on the night and too comfy to leave the pub that’s not great but if they still are not offering to help your family that’s far worse and totally selfish in my opinion.

Scottishoats · 19/11/2020 09:25

I hear you OP. I come from a family where we would all do anything for each other and it was a massive shock to find that not all families are like that e.g. DH's. We moved to his home town for his job when our DC were young and 500 miles away from mine. We had some really tough times with illness, no money and various crises and PIL would never do the slightest thing to help us. His mum was of the view that they had it tough in the 1960s so why should we be mollycoddled, on the basis that we had a washing machine and disposable nappies and she had had neither. I think this is actually a very common view but people don't admit it.

BloggersBlog · 19/11/2020 09:28

Basic human kindness. Doesnt matter if family or not.

In a difficult situation - need help for 45 mins - who the hell would say No???? But there are obviously loads that do. Incredible.

What selfish people. Yet I bet if Bill down the road needs help these people wont say "Oh sorry - you're an adult now - you chose to grow up, sort it yourself" because others will hear and they will get plaudits for it.

ancientgran · 19/11/2020 09:29

Normal families would do this for each other! I would help out friends and family. I can't understand anyone who wouldn't. I have family who are a bit similar and we either have no relationship or the relationship isn't close. Everyone I know who has close relationships help each other out when they need it. I agree with you. I'd do it for a neighbour, I'd do it for a new neighbour I didn't know. Some people just seem weird to me. One day a new neighbour was rushed to hospital having a miscarriage. Her ten year old was home alone all day. I was horrified, I didn't know them but I'd have had him in my house, he was close in age to one of my kids and they could have watched videos or played on the computer and I'd have fed him. I'd never have knowingly left a child in that situation so the chances of me not doing it for my GC is beyond belief.

ancientgran · 19/11/2020 09:31

OP I had a broken leg when my kids were little, my saviour was an office chair in the kitchen, I got really good at scooting round on it and it was easier than trying to cook when on crutches. Good luck.

thinkingaboutLangCleg · 19/11/2020 09:31

I wouldn’t go to the pub if a friend was rushing off to hospital with a fracture and asked me to look after the kids. OK, you could have found other childcare, but I would want to show sympathy and concern. I’m not surprised you didn’t take two toddlers with you, when you didn’t really know how long you’d be in A&E.
Hope you’re feeling better now, OP.

Chalfontstgiles · 19/11/2020 09:32

For me, this would depend on the nature of the emergency and whether or not you were frequently down A&E. broken bone is serious and if you’re not often down at a&e then yeah, I can see why you’d be pissed of. But if your DH couldn’t enter with you anyway, why couldn’t he just bundle kids in the car?

blackcat86 · 19/11/2020 09:36

Well you know how they really feel about you and your family don't you. My PIL will regularly say how they don't see DD enough, would love to have her more, would do anything for her, please just let them know about babysitting. So having started a small business and still trying to stay in my old job to pay the bills I asked them for a couple of Fridays over the next few months and if they could like watch DD for a few hours in the morning. They described my message as strange and said they may be able to do it (can't take bookings with a maybe). At least I've tried and actually took great delight and making alternative plans and showing them they are not needed. Just be aware that they will likely rewrite history with you as the bad guy because most people like to think of themselves as good and prioritising family

BuggerationFlavouredCrisps · 19/11/2020 09:49

YAB completely U.

It wasn’t the sort of emergency where the children can’t go with you and your husband in the car. He can’t go inside the hospital with you, so he may as well supervise the children in the car.

I have a hospital appt later today and the Hospital is a 100min drive away. I’ll be collecting DS from school at lunchtime to take him with me as we’re in lockdown. I’m not going to ask someone else to collect him, as that would be unnecessary and increases the risk of passing on the virus.

MeowMeowLikeACow · 19/11/2020 09:53

BuggerationFlavouredCrisps

YAB completely U for not reading the thread. OP had a broken leg and had to lie across the back of the back seat of the car. No room for the kids.

Savourysenorita · 19/11/2020 09:56

It's shit. But at least you know, where you fall on the priorities list now. Lower your expectations of them from now on and don't bend over backwards for them. Keep it all nice and civil but just bare in mind how unhelpful they are in future

Shortfeet · 19/11/2020 09:57

You are massively overreacting.

Hope your bone gets better soon

Beautiful3 · 19/11/2020 10:00

I'm pretty shocked at some of the responses on here. Of course they ought to have helped instead of whining about the pub?!🙄 I think their reaction is hurtful as you now know where you stand, which is at the very bottom of their list of priorities. I wouldn't bother with them from now on. I'd let dh do his visits with the kids, but I wouldn't bother anymore.

nevermorelenore · 19/11/2020 10:00

Well, at least you know now that you can't rely on them, so can make other plans.

And once they start to get older, and need more help, you can treat them the exact same way they treated you when you needed a favour.

Spinakker · 19/11/2020 10:01

Yanbu, pil definitely should have helped. You had a broken leg ! When someone is injured it's surely obvious the person helping them needs to be able to do so without looking after toddlers at the same time. My parents were the same, we had problems in the past with my son having to go into hospital with breathing difficulties (asthma). My husband would be working night shift and I'd be alone with 2 kids needing to get one to hospital. They always treated me as if I had overreacted and it was just a "cough". They made it very difficult, lots of times I just called an ambulance straight away as I knew they wouldn't help despite living near by. I wasn't risking driving my son 30 mins to hospital with him in the back having breathing difficulties. Someone needed to be with him constantly watching and if necessary giving him his inhaler, they just didn't get it. It makes a difficult situation so much harder when family don't rally around to support. Well OP no point getting angry just know this is who they are, they may be ok for fun times with you but they will not be with you in times of difficulty. To their credit they have apologied and it may be worth maintaining the relationship with them for the sake of your DH hapiness and the kid's but just make a mental note you can't rely on them x

Beautiful3 · 19/11/2020 10:02

I hope you feel better soon op.

BrumBoo · 19/11/2020 10:06

You were seen, xrayed, put in a cast, signed off and back home (45 mins away) all in 3 hours?! Wow, the NHS is working well at the moment!

Hope you're better soon.

HoppingPavlova · 19/11/2020 10:07

@HoppingPavlova - have you broken a bone recently (rather than just treated them). Round here, the wait for an ambulance for a broken ankle in a Sunday afternoon was over 4 hours.

@badpuma - admittedly it’s 3 years since I broke a bone so, no, not yesterday. Yes, it can be painful, extremely painful with some breaks but no one has died due to a painful 25min car trip which is the time OP indicates it would take. Sounds like it would have taken PIL longer to gather themselves together and head on over. Sure, having it elevated would feel better but again we are talking 25mins so not exactly the emergency posters are making it out to be that she needed to wait for PIL to faff around and get there so she could lie across the back seat. And yes, I do understand breaks can, in cases, lead to complications but again we are talking a 25min car ride here so it’s moot. If breaks were the medical emergency people here are making them out to be with the mediate embolisms and the like then you wouldn’t be okay waiting the prolonged time it takes for a bus to get to you. People have to wait because it’s really not that much of an emergency for most breaks. SME breaks are the exception to the rule there but that’s why you are asked certain questions to determine whether these scenarios apply and level of urgency. For the majority of breaks there really is no urgency. And yes, people will be offered paracetamol for most standard breaks these days. Anyway it’s obvious the OP’s was not serious as no one with a break presenting serious complications is left to dance off home 3 hours later.

As I said I have adult children, and I have the joy of some being seriously sporty. Have had the full range of breaks apart from neck and spine (thankfully) as adult sport is far more brutal than kids sport. If I’m home I also get the pleasure of being called down to where they are playing/training if local when someone else on the team or opposition has a suspected break or serious injury. If serious obviously an ambulance is called but I’m happy to assist meanwhile. Ambulances are not called for breaks/suspected breaks or dislocations unless neck/spine or certain types of open fractures (not all). Instead the person is bundled into a car and taken off to A&E where they are often in for a long wait. Anyone I’ve taken or seen off goes in front seat pushed back to give additional room to assist in and out, not hard. Second last break one of my own had was lower limb, serious, requiring surgery. I was available and picked them up, drove them in front seat, was extremely painful for them, they lived. No dramatics.