To tell my parents I know they lost a baby before having me?

[upbowcreek]

Name changed ad this is very sensitive.

I am in my 40s and researching my family history. I have discovered that my parents lost a baby in the third trimester.

They have never mentioned it to me.
Looks like my mum was already expecting when they got married although she may not have known.
I strongly suspect they would not have had me if the baby had survived.

It feels wrong for me not to acknowledge that I know this as I am usually quite open with them.

DH says if they wanted me to know they would have told me so I should keep up the pretence and not upset them.

WWYD?

YABU do not say anything
YANBU tell them you know

My parents also lost a child at a late stage - I was born 2 years later. My mother only mentioned it to me once and told me he would have been called Charles - that's all I know. I would never have pursued the conversation as it was obviously painful.

But how do you find out about a stillborn child on any family history websites? I am sure that they are not listed.

If the OP has deep feelings about this, if it's really upsetting her, then individual counseling might bring her peace.

Expecting her parents to provide that for her is not ok because they are the ones who experienced the trauma and they have the right not to have to talk about it to the extent the OP seems to need (based on her assertion that she might not have been born if the baby had lived).

@oblada

Turtle - sorry about the terminology but yes those skeletons can be related to death (in some form) sadly. Those are the traumas we tend to (naturally) struggle the most with. I am sorry for your losses. Your losses are very much part of your child's history. You don't have to share if you don't want to but if you felt able to then it can only be good for your children to understand where they come from. They will know somehow anyway as children feel our losses even when they cannot put words to them, so openness is best, if possible. History tends to repeat itself when it is not acknowledged sadly. It's just psychology, not my view per say, though it is my understanding of human psychology.

Did you seriously just tell @Turtleturtle81 she is wrong to deal with her pregnancy loss the way she has chosen to? That she is wrong it is her trauma and not that for her children to bear? Have some empathy, I can't believe you responded as if you are talking to a child explaining what grief does to people. Those of us who have experienced it know what it has done to us. There is no universal "right way" to deal with grief, it is not your place to tell someone they are grieving wrong or passing on something that means history will 'repeat itself'.

My sister and I are eight years apart and we are currently 58 & 50.

After both our parents died, we decided to sell the family home. As we were cleaning up the house, we came across a photo of my parents and my aunt & uncle in a frame. It's always been around so my sister took the photo out of the frame to make a copy and behind the photo was a copy of their marriage certificate (they married after my sister's birth) and details of their stillborn son, our brother. The document had his details (he was 34 weeks) and buried in a special cemetery. Had he lived, he would be 54.

They held two secrets from us and even worked hard at making sure we did not find out. We asked our relatives about these two revelations and they said that it wasn't their business to tell and that was that. I did wonder if I would have been born had our brother lived but I've not really thought much about it. It must have brought shame to them about my sister's birth being out of wedlock since my mother was a devout Catholic and probably deep sadness at their loss of a baby. My sister doesn't remember our mother being pregnant with our brother as she was nearly four. However, she does remember that our mother kept her pregnancy with me very quiet. Now we know why.

Like my relatives have said, it was their business and if they didn't want to share, they're entitled to keep that to themselves. I suggest you do the same, OP.

Op I can appreciate this is tough. Probably should out a tw on this.

My parents lost my little brother very late in pregnancy when I was about 18months. I have always known he was there, but no real details. I have considered many times asking my mum about it, and she did discuss it briefly with me a decade ago.

I would like her to know that someone (other than her, obviously) cares and remembes him but then I remember when I was about 15 I found a letter, or diary, she wrote at the time. I clearly didn't understand the significance of it all but I remember her utter heartbreak and catastrophic pain, mental and physical. She was badly treated in hospital (moved to a cancer ward, in case what was happening "upset other mothers") and the only reason I would consider raising it with her is to demand a formal apology from the hospital.

Please also consider your dad in this. 40 years ago there was no care or counselling, they were literally left to go home. It's likely he has never spoken a word about it. You do not know the circumstances of your parents' loss, because they have chosen not to tell you. Remember your sibling in your own way, but please don't raise it with your mum.

How do you envisage the conversation going, Op, if you did bring it up with your parents? Is there more information you think you should know, or...what? What response are you looking for?

@oblada

Turtle - sorry about the terminology but yes those skeletons can be related to death (in some form) sadly. Those are the traumas we tend to (naturally) struggle the most with. I am sorry for your losses. Your losses are very much part of your child's history. You don't have to share if you don't want to but if you felt able to then it can only be good for your children to understand where they come from. They will know somehow anyway as children feel our losses even when they cannot put words to them, so openness is best, if possible. History tends to repeat itself when it is not acknowledged sadly. It's just psychology, not my view per say, though it is my understanding of human psychology.

A skeleton in your family closet is finding out your nan got caught shoplifting - not a baby loss.

I said that my losses are not part of my daughters history, so I’m not sure why you have decided that they are. How on earth is she supposed to know if I don’t tell her? Do you think she has a 6th sense? And how will history repeat itself if I don’t tell her? What history do you think will repeat?

@Bluntness100

I really don’t think you have your parents best interests at heart here. You’ve made it all about you.

Your parents have a right to a private life, this is nothing to do with you and could still cause your mother pain. It is not a piece of gossip. If they wished you to know they would tell you

Your husband is right. Let this go. What you’re planning is unacceptable.

I couldn't agree more. What on earth do you hope to gain by telling your parents what you've discovered OP? Like a PP I'm also puzzled as to how you discovered this while researching family history.

It's a difficult and sad situation.

I would say; you have a right to talk about and grieve for your lost baby sibling.

But, your parents wishes to not tell you should also be respected. With respect, they are the ones who lived through losing a child.

The solution then is for you to express this information to someone you can confide in who will not tell your parents, if you need to do that.

I understand this is a shock for you, but honestly the fact they wouldn't have had you is irrelevant. Every single person on this planet is here by chance. My mum was considering an abortion with me. If they had DTD on another night it would be someone else here and not me. It's really not something worth guilt tripping your parents over IMO.

what will revealing you know do?for you?for them?

I honestly don’t think you should talk to them.

Your mum told you.

Let it sit.

I just feel dishonest by not telling them I know this. Like spying as I said in a pp.
They know that you know that they lost a baby as your mum talked to you about it a few years ago. If they wish to discuss it further it's up to them. YABU OP, leave it.

You wouldnt have access to any records from doing a family tree to inform you that your parents lost a baby. Unless the baby died during or after birth. Not sure why you think you wouldnt be here if the baby had survived?

My cousin didnt know her mum and dad lost a baby due to still birth. the parents were very private. They adopted after that and then had a child naturally. This was a few years later. It is very private. I havent shared my many miscarriages with my DC. Why would I?

A baby which was born early, lived a few hours and then died - because 40 odd years ago there wasn't the technology there is now - would have been recorded as a birth, then a death. These are public records.

That's a different scenario to a stillbirth. I am assuming the OP is talking about a very prem baby which lived a very short time.

I have a similar situation with my parents (DF now deceased).
When I was about 9yo my grandmother told me that I was actually my parents third child and their first child had died. I never said a word and never asked any further questions.
I too have been doing my family tree and can see the records for a baby being born in one year and dying the following - probably a few months old. I haven’t obtained the certificates so don’t know any further details.
My DM knows I’ve done our family tree, but she’s in her 80’s now and I don’t think she realises that I could find this out (without GM’s help).
I still have no wish to bring it up and open old wounds.

Sorry OP I hadn't read the full thread and seen your replies before commenting.

Perhaps you views this differently to me not least because you have also had a miscarriage?

Is there a chance that on telling you about her experience she didn't want to come across like she was minimising your experience by explaining that her baby loss happened at a much later stage?

With kindness, our mothers do not owe us every part of them. My mum didn't tell me she had had an abortion until I told her I was pregnant with my unplanned third DC and wasn't sure what to do. Painful and personal memories should be respected and I can't imagine how hard it must be to lose a baby. :(

I wouldn't say anything OP. Without meaning to sound rude, this has nothing to do with you - it is between your parents. And as other PPs have pointed out, it may be painful for them to talk about it. There's a reason your mum has never mentioned this to you. Leave the past where it belongs.

My mum told me a few years ago that she lost a baby "early on". This was not early by anyone's definition though.

Didn't you ask her about it then? I can't imagine you would've ignored a comment like that, so you must have replied and your mum changed the subject. It's pretty obvious she doesn't want a conversation about it.

Op, you've had a miscarriage yourself. How do you want to talk about that with your children in future? Do you really view the miscarriage as an extra opened door?

Okay, so many messages and I can't acknowledge them all, sorry.

To clear up a few things...

I am not hoping to gain anything.
I am not having an existential crisis.
I am certainly not being selfish or spiteful.
I am just trying to do the right thing.

My dad nearly died this year. I think that got me even more inspired to research the family history while there are still people around to talk about it with.

The idea of losing my parents without them knowing I know this just somehow doesn't sit right, but neither does the idea of upsetting them. That's why I came here for advice. Thanks to the posters who have responded in a calm way without being spiteful.

To Papertowels and others who have implied I am indeed spying and that I have found this out in some underhand way: I have an unusual surname. I have been systematically ordering all birth marriage and death certificates with that surname and that's how it turned up. The loss was post-24 weeks so there was a death certificate with a name and other details. I did not go looking for this and did not expect to find it. Perhaps I was naive. But that does not make me a bad person. Why don't you try treating other people with a bit of kindness and respect?

@Honeybobbin

How did you find this out while researching family history? Where are miscarriages (as recently as 40 years ago!) accessible as public information? I think it's really important that women know the answer to that.

Quoting this just because yes, it is important and I really hope it won’t get lost on this busy thread.

I hope the OP will acknowledge it

I wouldn’t say anything. If they wanted to talk about it they would have told you.

The idea of losing my parents without them knowing I know this just somehow doesn't sit right, but neither does the idea of upsetting them. That's why I came here for advice. Thanks to the posters who have responded in a calm way without being spiteful.

I think there's a huge risk of opening up old wounds for them. If they wanted to discuss it in more details they would have done already. They don't need to know that you know.