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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To tell my parents I know they lost a baby before having me?

429 replies

upbowcreek · 18/11/2020 17:08

Name changed ad this is very sensitive.

I am in my 40s and researching my family history. I have discovered that my parents lost a baby in the third trimester.

They have never mentioned it to me.
Looks like my mum was already expecting when they got married although she may not have known.
I strongly suspect they would not have had me if the baby had survived.

It feels wrong for me not to acknowledge that I know this as I am usually quite open with them.

DH says if they wanted me to know they would have told me so I should keep up the pretence and not upset them.

WWYD?

YABU do not say anything
YANBU tell them you know

OP posts:
Wanttolearnmore · 18/11/2020 19:48

Still birth was not dealt well with years ago, people did not get to meet the baby and didn't always get to know the gender from what I've heard. People were encouraged just to have another baby and move on. Your mum may have been on the receiving end of comments such as "oh well you're still young enough to have another one..." and other awful remarks like that. It was swept under the carpet and not acknowledged, which must have made it incredibly hard to bear. I wouldn't bring it up , let your mum discuss it if she wants to but don't push it on her. I don't like people bringing up my own loss, they invariably say the wrong thing, and it takes me by surprise, bit in a good way. I prefer to bring it up when I want to talk.

Regularsizedrudy · 18/11/2020 19:48

But you ARE being selfish! You want to do this because it “doesn’t sit right” you are only interested in making yourself feel better and not considering the pain you may cause.

Suzi888 · 18/11/2020 19:48

My mum told me a few years ago that she lost a baby "early on". This was not early by anyone's definition though.

She’s already mentioned it to you? Why open old wounds? What exactly do you want to know?

Wanttolearnmore · 18/11/2020 19:48

*not in a good way

saraclara · 18/11/2020 19:49

The idea of losing my parents without them knowing I know this just somehow doesn't sit right,

I don't get this. I really don't. Usually I can see all sides of an issue, but my empathy is failing me here.

Why should they know you know? Your mum already knows you know as much as she wanted to tell you.
Personally, losing my parents knowing I'd distressed them unnecessarily would bother me hugely. Not this.

Meowchickameowmeow · 18/11/2020 19:50

Why would you want to open up old wounds for your mum? That just seems cruel.

youvegottenminuteslynn · 18/11/2020 19:50

@saraclara

The idea of losing my parents without them knowing I know this just somehow doesn't sit right,

I don't get this. I really don't. Usually I can see all sides of an issue, but my empathy is failing me here.

Why should they know you know? Your mum already knows you know as much as she wanted to tell you.
Personally, losing my parents knowing I'd distressed them unnecessarily would bother me hugely. Not this.

This. OP she did tell you as much as she wanted you to know. You need to find peace in that.
saraclara · 18/11/2020 19:51

@Regularsizedrudy

But you ARE being selfish! You want to do this because it “doesn’t sit right” you are only interested in making yourself feel better and not considering the pain you may cause.
Yes. YES. Entirely this. This is entirely about you, and you're not giving them a single thought.

This event is THEIR story. They've chosen how much you know/don't know. So respect their privacy. Please.

Constance1 · 18/11/2020 19:52

The idea of losing my parents without them knowing I know this just somehow doesn't sit right

You say you're not being selfish, but this statement shows that you are on some level. You want to talk about it because it doesn't sit right with you. Why does it not sit right with you? As many people have said if your mother wanted to share this with you and discuss it, she would have done by now. I just can't see what benefit would be had by bringing this up other than to satisfy your own curiosity.

Remona · 18/11/2020 19:52

It’s none of your business. If they’d wanted you to know, they would have told you.

Say nothing. In raising it you would only cause unnecessary pain and upset to them and I’m sure you wouldn’t want to do that. We all have secrets and skeletons in the closet. Leave it be.

Hkyvvse · 18/11/2020 19:52

If they wanted you to know they would’ve told you my 3 children know there was a miscarriage between one and two because that baby Needs to be remembered by me

Pinkbubbles12 · 18/11/2020 19:53

My auntie had a full term stillbirth about 50ish years ago, absolutely shocking the way it was handled back then. She was told to "stop crying and get over it as it's done now" and to not make a scene, she wasn't even aloud to see or hold the baby.
She is very very messed up by this and still cries.
Maybe something similar happened?
If it was my mum i would proberly leave it.

ElizaDeee · 18/11/2020 19:54

You want to talk about sensitivity and respect op?

Wheres yours for your parents?

Leave well enough alone and mind your own business.

Jesus christ.

LoveMyKidsAndCats · 18/11/2020 19:55

OP YABVU

CorianderLord · 18/11/2020 19:55

I'd mention it. Just say you stumbled upon it without meaning to and wanted to ask about it as it felt weird not to tell them you might know.

LoveMyKidsAndCats · 18/11/2020 19:57

You are being very selfish on this.

TheStripes · 18/11/2020 19:59

@upbowcreek

Okay, so many messages and I can't acknowledge them all, sorry.

To clear up a few things...

I am not hoping to gain anything.
I am not having an existential crisis.
I am certainly not being selfish or spiteful.
I am just trying to do the right thing.

My dad nearly died this year. I think that got me even more inspired to research the family history while there are still people around to talk about it with.

The idea of losing my parents without them knowing I know this just somehow doesn't sit right, but neither does the idea of upsetting them. That's why I came here for advice. Thanks to the posters who have responded in a calm way without being spiteful.

To Papertowels and others who have implied I am indeed spying and that I have found this out in some underhand way: I have an unusual surname. I have been systematically ordering all birth marriage and death certificates with that surname and that's how it turned up. The loss was post-24 weeks so there was a death certificate with a name and other details. I did not go looking for this and did not expect to find it. Perhaps I was naive. But that does not make me a bad person. Why don't you try treating other people with a bit of kindness and respect?

To date, 93% say not to tell them and you still don’t come across as listening. It sounds like you want to know the answers and that’s the important bit, not that you could be bringing up something that your parents will have and in some way still are devastated by. Your mum told you as much as she wanted to tell you and quite possibly, she doesn’t know a huge amount more because of how things were dealt with back then.

When your baby dies, especially so far on in a pregnancy (and I’ve had a first trimester and second trimester miscarriage, as well as a close to term baby die after birth) talking about it should be on your terms because it’s your story to tell or not to tell. Please respect your parents’ silence.

Wherethereshope · 18/11/2020 20:00

Could you mention it in a gentle way.. your mum has already shared a little bit with you, maybe saying you remember her saying that and you could see that on the family tree research. Then you can take your mums lead on whether this opens up more of a conversation.

PaperTowels · 18/11/2020 20:02

Well at the risk of being called spiteful again, it seems to me that you're more interested in your own feelings than those of your mother. You talk about "respect" and "sensitivity", but only it it's coming your way. You're showing very little for your mother.

It doesn't "sit right" with you because on some level you seem to resent that your mother didn't spill all the beans in the way you think she should have. That resentment also spills out in your statement that they wouldn't have had you if your sibling had lived.

Mydogmylife · 18/11/2020 20:02

@oblada

I'd go against the grain here and mention it if you feel it's right. I also disagree that it's the OP's parents' hurt/grief/issue solely. Far from it. Our children are very much affected by our traumas and to keep skeletons in the closer affects people's mental health. Yes it is their trauma initially but when they chose to have another child, that loss became part of that child's history. It is therefore relevant to the OP. As the mother has briefly mentioned it, I would suggest bringing it up gently. She may be fine discussing it further. OP - of course you also need to think of why you want to discuss it but if it is important to you then yes I'd go ahead.
Sorry, I disagree completely. Op's mother has told her, it isn't a skeleton in the cupboard . She doesn't want to discuss the detail which is entirely her perogative and is nobody's business but hers and her husband's
sophandbridge · 18/11/2020 20:02

I wouldn't mention it, my neighbour had a stillbirth back in the 1960s and how it was dealt with by the hospital was awful. It wasn't great in the 1980s either.

Diva66 · 18/11/2020 20:04

YABU, that would be really hurtful.

Sadbadglad · 18/11/2020 20:06

Again this is all about you.

You are selfish but you want everyone to say go ahead and talk to her about it.

Happygogoat · 18/11/2020 20:06

So she did mention a loss to you... it's not your place to dredge up that it wasn't "early on" - this will have been painful and traumatic for them and you should respect how they have chosen to manage and communicate it.

They had a life before you, and some of that is private.

VivaMiltonKeynes · 18/11/2020 20:07

The problem with your family searching is that you seem to have missed out the section called Ethics . Perhaps you need to google the Ethics of Genealogy .

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