To tell my parents I know they lost a baby before having me?

[upbowcreek]

Name changed ad this is very sensitive.

I am in my 40s and researching my family history. I have discovered that my parents lost a baby in the third trimester.

They have never mentioned it to me.
Looks like my mum was already expecting when they got married although she may not have known.
I strongly suspect they would not have had me if the baby had survived.

It feels wrong for me not to acknowledge that I know this as I am usually quite open with them.

DH says if they wanted me to know they would have told me so I should keep up the pretence and not upset them.

WWYD?

YABU do not say anything
YANBU tell them you know

I think you are between a rock and a hard place op.
My DD died in childbirth 6 years ago now. I was allowed to hold her and acknowledge her. I was given the space to grieve for her. As time had gone by society sends the very strong message that we need to ‘get over it’ It is not something I will ever get over. Most days my life has got back to a new normal I laugh and joke and have many reasons to be thankful. Some days, completely out of the blue I grieve hard. I am swept back to the hospital, my own animalistic screams ringing in my ears.
I wish I could speak about her more, as time goes on it gets harder to be brave and raise the subject? But some days talking about it would open wounds in ways that are just too painful to bare.
My advice open the conversation, maybe by talking about your own miscarriage, if she wants/feels able to tell you she will. If not respect her silence and the pain that is behind it.

@justicedanceson

I would absolutely talk to my parents about this. It might be healing. Families weren't given any support then. My granny lost a baby due to cot death and every photo or memento was burnt and nobody was allowed to mention their name. That was what Health Professionals told men and women the best way to "cope" would be. So it might be actually good for you to ask about it. I would say something like "Mum, I see from x that you had another pregnancy quite far along that didn't survive, that must have been very tough. Do you feel up for talking to me about it?". BUT I wouldn't say until after your baby is born. Asking your mum about I when you are heavily pregnant might upset her or you more.

It’s her mothers trauma and she gets to decide what would be healing for her, no one else. Deciding to bring it up because you think it will be healing is an incredibly selfish act.

@IHateCoronavirus

I think you are between a rock and a hard place op. My DD died in childbirth 6 years ago now. I was allowed to hold her and acknowledge her. I was given the space to grieve for her. As time had gone by society sends the very strong message that we need to ‘get over it’ It is not something I will ever get over. Most days my life has got back to a new normal I laugh and joke and have many reasons to be thankful. Some days, completely out of the blue I grieve hard. I am swept back to the hospital, my own animalistic screams ringing in my ears. I wish I could speak about her more, as time goes on it gets harder to be brave and raise the subject? But some days talking about it would open wounds in ways that are just too painful to bare. My advice open the conversation, maybe by talking about your own miscarriage, if she wants/feels able to tell you she will. If not respect her silence and the pain that is behind it.

I'm so, so sorry you went through that

Let it stay in the past

I'd go against the grain here and mention it if you feel it's right.
I also disagree that it's the OP's parents' hurt/grief/issue solely. Far from it. Our children are very much affected by our traumas and to keep skeletons in the closer affects people's mental health. Yes it is their trauma initially but when they chose to have another child, that loss became part of that child's history. It is therefore relevant to the OP. As the mother has briefly mentioned it, I would suggest bringing it up gently. She may be fine discussing it further.
OP - of course you also need to think of why you want to discuss it but if it is important to you then yes I'd go ahead.

I strongly suspect they would not have had me if the baby had survived

Look, if your dad's swimmers hadn't met your ma's egg on the particular day you were conceived, they wouldn't have had you either. You wouldn't be here if your dad had had a skinful or your DM had a headache that night. If they both married different people rather than each other, you wouldn't be here.

You are here. Were you loved? Were you cared for? Fed, clothed, bathed and watered? Of course you were. You were loved just as much as the miscarried child would have been. You were your DM's 'rainbow baby'. A source of much joy after a painful time.

Let sleeping dogs lie.

This is quite different from discovering that your ggg grandfather was in prison, or your granny's parents weren't married in 1920 when she was born.

We are talking about living people with feelings and the rights to privacy. Your mum did tell you that she had had a miscarriage. She - for whatever reason - decided to leave it at that and not go into details. That's her right not to want to share her medical history with you. You MUST respect that.

Even going further back, lots of genealogists go through this sort of thing with clients before starting research, asking them to think about all sorts of things which could come up and deciding whether they would like to know.

I’m trying to put myself in your shoes and am imagining how I would feel to have made such a sad discovery. I think I would feel some guilt knowing something so personal about my Mum that she doesn’t know I know. But I would probably leave it be. I’m not sure anything is to be gained, by you or your Mum, by talking about it.

One of the problems with losing a child is the total lack of control.

There is nothing about that situation you can control.

Now you want to take the control of who knows what, and her option of being faced with it away from her too?

She has the choice to tell you any time she likes, she has the option to discuss it, any time she likes. She is actively choosing not to, for whatever reason, but they are her reasons.

Don’t say anything, it’s your parents business, not yours. Your DH is right, if your parents wanted to discuss it with you, they would have. I’m sure most of our families have secrets.

This whole thread is weird. From the title, you made it seem that they had never told you about the baby they lost.

But your mother had told you.

And you've never mentioned how you got hold of the information about the length of the term of her lost pregnancy, or what that information was.

And you said you felt like it was "spying" not to tell her. What and where have you been digging around, exactly

In the gentlest possible way, I would leave it alone. Your mum has told you whatever she was comfortable in telling you. If she wanted to tell you more she would have done.

You say you are close but they haven't told you.
She did mention an early loss and didn't go into detail.

Please have some respect for them.
They have chosen not to discuss this. What do you hope to gain from bringing this up now? Leave it be, it would be cruel to do anything else.

@oblada

I'd go against the grain here and mention it if you feel it's right. I also disagree that it's the OP's parents' hurt/grief/issue solely. Far from it. Our children are very much affected by our traumas and to keep skeletons in the closer affects people's mental health. Yes it is their trauma initially but when they chose to have another child, that loss became part of that child's history. It is therefore relevant to the OP. As the mother has briefly mentioned it, I would suggest bringing it up gently. She may be fine discussing it further. OP - of course you also need to think of why you want to discuss it but if it is important to you then yes I'd go ahead.

I pretty much disagree with everything you've said there.

Why on earth do you want to bring it up, and why on Earth are you bringing it up in the context of ‘if they’d have had this baby, I wouldn’t be here’.

Well, yeah. That might be true. But if they’d have tried to conceive the next night or the night before you might not be here, either? You are here. And that’s that. It’s just chance, isn’t it? Aren’t we all here because of chance?

What’s your end game, OP? Coz this just looks a bit spiteful and silly.

@oblada

I'd go against the grain here and mention it if you feel it's right. I also disagree that it's the OP's parents' hurt/grief/issue solely. Far from it. Our children are very much affected by our traumas and to keep skeletons in the closer affects people's mental health. Yes it is their trauma initially but when they chose to have another child, that loss became part of that child's history. It is therefore relevant to the OP. As the mother has briefly mentioned it, I would suggest bringing it up gently. She may be fine discussing it further. OP - of course you also need to think of why you want to discuss it but if it is important to you then yes I'd go ahead.

“Skeletons in the closet” is a horrible term, especially when referring to child loss!

I’m pregnant after 3 miscarriages. Are you suggesting I need to inform my child of my “skeletons in the closet” so she can share in my trauma later in life? My miscarriages are not part of my child’s history, they are part of mine.

@ShortSilence

Wait, what? So she did mention to you about losing a baby, and you want to bring it up again because ... you don’t feel she described it accurately? You want to make sure she knows that you know it was a third trimester loss, in the name of ‘honesty’?

I can scarcely imagine how you could put that into words sensitively. It’s all about you wanting a conversation, centring yourself. She has already told you what she’s comfortable telling you.

I’m sorry but I have to agree with this post

"I might never have been born" is a strange way to look at it. Almost as if you have some resentment of them for having a child before you.
We always wanted 3 DC, we are so lucky have 3 now, but it was a rocky path to get them. I am not one for secrets (my DD knows I was attacked by a stranger and raped at 18) but I couldn't tell them about our miscarriage. Some things are just too painful to talk about and I dont want them to be part of that grief, that sadness.
I love that child as much as my other DCs, I dont expect them to understand that. Its between me and her.

Do you know that you were a planned child & that the pregnancy they lost was planned, OP?

I didn't understand why you felt like their 'choice' to have you was relevant to whether you have this conversation.

in my family it would be fine to ask about, and not a too painful thing to ask about. You know your family, we don't.

@oblada

I'd go against the grain here and mention it if you feel it's right. I also disagree that it's the OP's parents' hurt/grief/issue solely. Far from it. Our children are very much affected by our traumas and to keep skeletons in the closer affects people's mental health. Yes it is their trauma initially but when they chose to have another child, that loss became part of that child's history. It is therefore relevant to the OP. As the mother has briefly mentioned it, I would suggest bringing it up gently. She may be fine discussing it further. OP - of course you also need to think of why you want to discuss it but if it is important to you then yes I'd go ahead.

Using the phrase skeletons in the closet about pregnancy loss is jaw droppingly insensitive. That phrase is used to describe shameful or embarrassing secrets, it has no business being used to describe trauma that is absolutely that of the trauma victim to disclose or not. OP referenced that if the baby had lived, she may not have been born as if that is relevant to telling her parents... making their trauma and loss centred around her when it shouldn't be.

As me and others have said I have no idea how OP could have found this out by researching the family unless discussing with people who knew first hand, so I'm dubious as to whether this is as it seems.

Turtle - sorry about the terminology but yes those skeletons can be related to death (in some form) sadly. Those are the traumas we tend to (naturally) struggle the most with. I am sorry for your losses. Your losses are very much part of your child's history. You don't have to share if you don't want to but if you felt able to then it can only be good for your children to understand where they come from. They will know somehow anyway as children feel our losses even when they cannot put words to them, so openness is best, if possible. History tends to repeat itself when it is not acknowledged sadly. It's just psychology, not my view per say, though it is my understanding of human psychology.

You are being really selfish. Simple.

I think a lot of posters on here have been unnecessarily harsh on the OP, when she has a deep and understandable pull towards communicating with her own parents about a very big thing that happened in her family.

That child was her sibling, she is absolutely allowed to have feelings about this information.

Whether it’s best to bring it up now, or not, kind or thoughtless to do so, or whichever, the OP has done nothing wrong in wanting to express this here and wondering if she dare open a conversation about it.

Openness can be a good thing. The OP’s mother has already told her daughters about the loss. I would tread very carefully, and I’m not sure I would attempt it, but the OP doesn’t deserve the anger displayed in a lot of these posts.

I would acknowledge it, gently, with them. Especially as you say your sister was aware. Just that it must have been hard for them. I don't talk in much detail about my losses with my children because I wouldn't want that to be a burden for them, but it does het mentioned vaguely. I remember talking to my gran about her losses, after my own. I was told things she never shared with her children simply because as you see over and over again on this thread the fear of death and especially loss of a child, she looked me straight in the eye from the depths of her dementia and said she still wondered, so she knew I would, who they might have been. There aren't many words. Not many are needed. But an acknowledgement of what someone has been through can be very meaningful. But very carefully done. Open the field about loss, talk about others lost to your family, not necessarily just the baby. Within the context of family history it deserves a mention. It's part of your families history.

It’s their news to share, not yours. If they want to discuss it with you they’ll bring it up.